Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dream about John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono Oct. 10 2010



Oct. 10, 2010

With it being John Lennon’s 70th birthday, I had read an interview with Yoko Ono the day before.  In my dream, I was talking with Paul McCartney, who told me he was going to write a book about the Beatles, and he was going to call it “Help! I Need Somebody.” I thought it was nice that he would use a John song for the title, and he said he either knew John but didn’t know the Beatles, or he knew the Beatles but didn’t know John.  I didn’t understand and didn’t know why it had to be an either/or.  Then I suggested Yoko Ono could help write the book, but then I said it might not be balanced because she was too close to John.  Yoko chimed in at this point and agreed.  Weird dream.

Subway Encounter with Another Older Man Sept. 2010

Recently I was getting off the subway and about to exit the turnstile when this man called out to me and ran up behind me.  I thought I had left something on the subway and thought it was very nice of him to come after me like that.  He was tall, black, probably in his 50’s.  I couldn’t hear what he was saying because I had my music in, so I paused the song and asked him to repeat. 

He said he thought I was cute and he had gotten off the subway so he could get my number.  I asked him if that was the only reason he had gotten off the subway and he said, yes, for he still had to get downtown.  I told him I don’t give my number out to strangers, and I forgot that I had met someone on the subway about a year and a half ago, and we ended up dating.  Though it didn’t last – that was right after my religious turnaround and I wouldn’t sleep with him and I didn’t really know what I wanted.  With this guy, he seemed nice so I took his number but I knew I wouldn't really call him.  And I haven’t. 

Now, I relate these stories not to show how desirable and attractive I am.   Considering how often I am on the subway, these are very low statistics.  I know people who get hit on almost everyday.  I am pretty, but dress very plain and don’t feel the need to deliberately try to draw attention to myself.   
But I share these stories because I think it’s worthwhile that I at least took their numbers.  I am definitely not anti-man.  I really hope someday I can fall in love with a man and live a normal life and totally forget about women.  If women really can fall in love with men, that is, and it’s not some fantasy that has been fed to us.

But at the same time, I’m wondering if a girl will ever hit on me on the subway?  I am on the subway all the time and I have seen so many pretty girls.   But I really want to see what other women see in men.  Or do they really see anything? Isn’t it society-dictated?  That’s my theory.  But I’m too afraid to test it out and ask my friends. 

A dream about the Steven Hayes murder trial



A dream about the Steven Hayes murder trial

Wednesday, Oct. 6, 2010

I am so bothered by this murder by Steven Hayes and his accomplice.  I try not to write out what they did because words are powerful and etch graphic images into my mind.  My mind can’t handle it.  I went through so much crying after reading those words that I can’t bear to write them myself. 

Last night I had a dream that his accomplice was talking to me and he was telling me he wasn’t going to go to trial for another year.  I told him he had better not do what he did to those poor girls to anyone else during that time (I don’t know why he wasn’t in jail, nor do I know why we were at a house together, with other people around as well).  He said he wouldn’t.  We actually had a conversation but I don’t remember what it was about. 

It is very hard for me to read the news when something horrible has happened to someone.  It is bad enough if someone dies a horrible death due to nature or some accident, but when it’s caused by another human, I can’t handle it. 

Many years ago, after the OJ Simpson trial, I had a dream about Nicole, and somehow I was talking with her after she died.  What bothers me the most is the terror anyone must feel as their life is about to end.  Why would anyone want to make anyone else feel that way?  I really can’t comprehend it. 

Murder Trial of Steven Hayes

Monday, Oct. 4, 2010

Trial of Steven Hayes in Connecticut Home Invasion and Murder
When I first read about these indescribable (for me) murders, I cried non-stop. Everytime I had a spare moment in my thoughts, I thought about the poor girls he killed. I thought of their terror. No one should die like that. I have sleeping problems as it is, but this horrible murder upset me so much that my sleep was even further disrupted. All I could think about was those poor girls and what they must have been feeling.
I am against the death penalty, but what is justice in this instance? Cruel and unusual punishment would be to kill Steven Hayes and his accomplice in the same way they killed those girls. I don’t want anyone to suffer like that.
I am very disturbed at the mindset of these men. When I read that one of their texts said he “was chomping at the bit” to do this, I cried even more. I don’t understand that mindset. Pure evil. Even the barbaric part of my brain, although it is willing to mete out punishment, it does not relish pain for anyone.
Several years ago, I read an article about a woman who was killed by a man and his step-son in a similar manner. I cried for days about that. The barbaric part of me wanted the men to experience some of that poor woman’s pain, even if just a hand, or an entire arm. I was so angry that anyone could do anything like that to anyone else. No one should have to suffer that. It’s the worst way to die.
With these two men, the barbaric part of me feels the same. But mostly I don’t think about the men. I think about those two daughters. I am so sad for them. I wish somehow they could have felt no pain, that somehow they could have died before any pain hit them – I wish this wish could come true.
But the bottom line is I don’t want anyone to suffer pain. Although I do have a barbaric part of me, it is very small. It is getting smaller each year. But it’s still there, unfortunately. Yet the part of me that doesn’t want anyone to suffer pain is the largest part of me. I don’t even like watching movies where the villain suffers a horrible death. I hate when the audience cheers. No one deserves a horrible death.
I don’t know what kind of justice can be done to these men. I don’t want them to do to anyone else what they did to those daughters. But I don’t want anyone to do that to them either.

Sexual Dreams – Sept. 7, 2010

September 7, 2010

Last night I had a dream that a girl I had met was sitting with me and some of my friends from my church. The implication in the dream was that this was a girl who I was interested in and was likewise interested in me. As she sat next to me she started kissing me, and it made my friends from church uncomfortable, so they asked her to stop. I told her we could go somewhere private but we never made it there. This dream occurred because I was planning on meeting a girl I had met on CraigsList and I was hopeful that things would develop between us. I gave up on trying to be a good Mormon, at least for a little bit.

Subway Encounter with Older Man – Aug. 27, 2010

Subway Encounter with Older Man

August 27, 2010

As I was walking to connect to a train, this older white man in a suit passed by and said he liked my hair. Of course I said, “Thanks,” and then he said he would give me the best sex I ever had, but he said it in a cruder way. I was surprised because people usually don’t approach me like that. I dress very plainly and very conservatively and I don’t draw attention to myself with my clothes. I was in my usual uniform of a plain skirt and shirt. Then he said, “Is it because I’m too old? Too white? I’m 47, but I can [censored].”

(I don’t know how he knew white men are not attractive to me, although black men are not attractive to me at all either, and no men, really, but if I have to choose I would assume a brown Islander would be attractive to me? Since I've still never enjoyed sex with a man and never been attracted to a man, I don't know for sure who would be attractive to me. But I know who's not!

And older men are definitely not attractive to me, but I don't know how he knew that because I didn’t say anything. Truth be told, if he was young, handsome, brown-skinned, I might have taken him up on it. That is due to my illogical logic. I had slept with an idiot about a week prior and that was because I was missing women so much, and I thought this idiot guy was going to have another girl with him, so we could have a threesome, but it was just me and him.

 And I’m so frustrated with not being with women I would have slept with this older man just to get back at G-d for keeping me away from women, and maybe tell him he needs to pay me, or at least get a free meal while I'm at it. But he was white and older, so punishing G-d would be punishing myself as well, and wouldn't be worth it.)

And the man said if I look this good how I am now, he can only imagine how I look when I dress up and put on make-up. I told him I never get dressed up and I never wear make-up, and he said with my legs and my eyes I didn’t need to. And he gave me his number and said to at least let him take me out for dinner. I said, “Okay,” because I was hungry and I was thinking dinner sounded good. But I’m not hungry anymore.

Subway Jealousy – Aug. 2010

Subway Jealousy

August 2010
I have heard my very straight friends talk about other girls hitting on them, and I wonder why don’t these women ever hit on me? The other day on the subway I was sitting down, engrossed in reading the news on my iPhone and listening to my music, when I suddenly heard the young woman standing next to me near the pole say, “No, I’m straight.” I looked up to see the other young woman, dressed in dark clothes and talking to her say, “Well, keep taking care of yourself. You have such a great body.” And then she kept talking to the straight girl.

I was so annoyed by the woman in dark clothes. She wasn’t attractive to me, so I wasn’t jealous that I wanted this particular woman to hit on me, but I was jealous that no women hit on me. And I wanted to tell this woman to stop talking to the straight girl and get a hint. But of course I didn’t. Though I don’t think I have ever been so annoyed.

Sexual Dreams – All-Girl Orgy – June 24, 2010

June 24, 2010


Last night I had a dream that I was in an all-girl orgy. I was so sad when I woke up, wishing it was real. The closest I got to an all-girl orgy was with two other girls, but my polyamorous friend ended up joining us and then they spent the rest of the time with him. I wish I would stop having these dreams. I don’t know how I’m going to be a good Mormon. I can control my thoughts during the day but what good is that if I can’t control them at night?

Judge Walker’s Prop 8 Ruling – Aug. 2010

Judge Walker’s Ruling on Prop 8

Aug. 5, 2010
While most in the LGBT community are rejoicing over Judge Walker’s ruling that Prop 8 is unconstitutional, I am not rejoicing. First of all, I have read writings questioning Judge Walker’s impartiality because he himself is gay, stating that the ruling would have carried more weight coming from a straight judge. Now, I would hope that judges would be impartial no matter what, but I have seen far too many “activist judges” and “legislating from the bench,” so I don’t want to completely dismiss those concerns.

Rachel Maddow’s reaction to the Prop 8 ruling mentioned that people come to America “for the religious liberties.” The great irony in all of this “equal marriage for all” debate is that those who believe in plural marriage are not able to legally pursue their own religious liberties.

My issue with celebrating this ruling is this: If you are in favor of same-sex marriage, why are you not in favor of plural marriage? If one is fighting for equal marriage rights for all, shouldn’t “all” really mean “all” and not just one’s own group? The very language used in the ruling, referring to marriage as something “couples” do, is discriminatory in its face. Why can only “couples” marry? Why is plural marriage not a legal option? If we want marriage to be inclusive, we shouldn’t set limits that favor what we want.

I used to want same-sex marriage, and then polyamory, and by extension I was in favor of plural marriage, but now I just try to think of what is fair and equitable and best for society. If we want to make the standard of marriage as one man and one woman, fine. If we want to be all-inclusive, fine. But then “all” must really mean “all” and “inclusive” must really mean “inclusive.” Plural marriage must be considered in the equation.

Cameron Diaz – Bisexual Comments – (written June 24, 2010)

Cameron Diaz – bisexual comments

So Cameron Diaz makes some comments about ‘being sexual’ with another woman. The women on “The View” devote a whole discussion to a tiresome topic. Why are people surprised anymore that a female celebrity mentions being sexual with another woman, or finding other women attractive? What young hot celebrity hasn’t said this? It would be more newsworthy if a young female celebrity said she has never kissed another girl and had never looked at other women.

I have said this before, and I’ll say it again: there is nothing unusual about a woman finding another woman attractive. It only means she has good taste. The way society functions, however, women have traditionally needed the help and protection of men to survive, to start families.

When women have financial freedom, however, they are also more sexually free and can pursue who really attracts them. Why does it seem that the percentage of female celebrities who are bisexual is greater than females in the general population? Could it be that they have more access than we do to explore their desires? If given a choice, wouldn’t anyone choose women?

Sexual Dreams – June 23, 2010

June 23, 2010

Last night I had a dream that I had met this really cute girl with dark skin and I was so attracted to her, even though she had short hair. I normally like long hair but this girl was so cute. We were flirting and then I had to leave and I was regretting incredibly that I hadn’t gotten her number. I came back and she was there! We were going to spend the night and then suddenly some random guy appeared and asked me if he could stay, and I said it was up to her, gesturing towards the girl. I wanted the girl all to myself but I didn’t want her to know that in case she wanted the guy there too.

Then luckily the guy disappeared and the girl and I were together. In the morning I was carrying her with me everywhere I was going because I was so afraid of losing her but she got heavy so I put her in a suitcase on wheels. Very strange!

I wouldn’t mind so much having dreams about girls if they meant nothing to me and I could just shake them off. But they always leave me aching for a girlfriend, or even just a one-night stand. But really a girlfriend. I miss women so much!

Salon.com article by Andrew O’Hehir (Polygamy vs. Gay Marriage) – (written June 2010)

Re: Salon.com article “Polygamy vs. Gay Marriage” by Andrew O’Hehir

I don’t even know where to start.  This article is so obviously one-sided.  Of course the two filmmakers would bring an intimacy to the project if they both identify as gay.

Prop 22 (the California Defense of Marriage Act) was passed by California voters in 2000.  This proposition prohibited the state from recognizing same-sex marriage.

However, the California Supreme Court disregarded the voters and ruled that banning same-sex marriage was discriminatory.  When Proposition 8 passed, it was a re-assertion of the passage of Proposition 22, which had already been passed by California voters.

The LDS (Mormon) church used to practice polygamy.  In order to get statehood, the church had to abandon this practice, and in 1890 the Manifesto was issued, which abolished polygamy.

The irony is that the Mormon church did what it had to do for Utah to become a state, but those in favor of same-sex marriage want the state to bend to them.  Joining the protection of society often involves giving up some of one’s individual rights.  You can choose to play music at loud decibels all night long, but your neighbors have the right to call police on you for disturbing the peace.  You may want to stand out in front of a store at all hours, but the store-owner has the right to demand “no loitering” in front of his store.

The early leaders of the Mormon church fervently believed that plural marriage was ordained of God, yet they recognized the rule of state law and gave up this practice.  Those who want to marry someone of the same gender are putting their own individual desires above those of society’s.  California society spoke in passing Prop 22, and it spoke again in passing Prop 8.  No states where same-sex marriage is legal arrived at this through popular vote.  Only through the courts.

Now, I have been engaged to another woman, who is the person I have loved more than I have ever loved anyone else.  But had we married, I wouldn’t want to impose our marriage on churches, nor would I want to force churches to recognize our marriage or even to marry us in the first place.

Also, I understand that the definition of marriage would have to change to allow same-sex marriage. Throughout history, marriage has never included same sexes marrying each other.  If same-sex marriage becomes legal, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that the definition of marriage has changed.  This isn’t a values statement, rather a statement of fact.

Logically, I think it is easier for people to be contributing members of society when they are in a marriage, union, partnership, or any arrangement that offers some sort of commitment, be it same-sex, opposite sex, and/or plural.  So it is in society’s best interest to encourage such commitments. And eventually, I think most people will realize that and would vote for same-sex marriage to be legal (much farther down the line do I see people ever voting for legalization of plural marriages, but I hope it happens soon).

And to go off on a bit of a tangent, I certainly believe that same-sex couples should be allowed to adopt children.  There are children who need good homes – my main concern is that all children are loved and supported.

I grew up in a supposedly ideal Mormon household, with a father who had a good job and was even Bishop of our ward, and a mother who stayed home to raise us.  However, I never felt love from my parents, nor did I ever feel support from them.  In fact, the emotional abuse I suffered from my parents damaged me and greatly depressed me and I don’t wish that on anyone.   I understand that the ideal is to be raised by a mother and father, as I know the sexes are different and offer unique qualities, but what does it matter if they don’t love you? If I had a choice, I would definitely choose to be raised by a same-sex couple or by a single parent or by a polyamorous household, or even in an orphanage, instead of being raised by my parents, as long as I would be loved in any of these scenarios.

End of tangent.

Regardless, I feel if we do allow same-sex marriage, we should allow plural marriage as well.  Either we have one standard of marriage, or we expand what marriage is and can be.  I am fine with both – but let’s be consistent. 

Psychology Today article – Bisexual Girls – April 2010

RE: Psychology Today article “Why are so many girls lesbian or bisexual?” April 3, 2010 from Sax on Sex blog (written by Leonard Sax, MD, PhD)….


A fundamental answer is missing from this article.  Girls are simply more aesthetically pleasing than guys – why wouldn’t we be attracted to each other?  As I’ve said in other writings, I used to think I was unusual in that I liked other girls, and I was so afraid to admit it.

As I’ve gotten older and have seen the preponderance of celebrities who are lesbian or bisexual, and have read about the increasing number of girls who are experimenting sexually with other girls, I think it is normal to be attracted to girls.

I even think women aren’t really attracted to men, at least not naturally.  I think society has taught us that we should be attracted to men, that we should like it when they have a bigger package, but their package, at any size, is ugly.

If  women can choose between something beautiful and something ugly, wouldn’t we choose something beautiful?

Now, I think it is necessary for society for men and women to marry and raise children together.  If we all choose beauty and sexual and emotional love for our partners, wouldn’t everyone choose a woman?  What would happen to the men?  

Wall Street Journal article “The Masculine Mystique” – March 2010

“The Masculine Mystique” by Jena Pincott in The Wall Street Journal (Saturday/Sunday, March 27-28, 2010)

“New research suggests that women from countries with healthier populations prefer more feminine-looking men.”

“A study led by psychologist Fhionna Moore at the University of Andrews finds that as women’s level of ‘resource control’ increases – that is, they become more financially independent – their preference for good-looking men increases.”

Interesting research. When women have the luxury of health and financial freedom, they choose less masculine-looking men and opt for the more feminine-looking men.

Yet, I don’t find any of this research surprising. Again, when women are able to indulge in choice, why wouldn’t they choose someone more aesthetically pleasing to look at? Who is more aesthetically pleasing to look at – a woman or a man? A woman, and if one must choose a man, one would prefer a more feminine-looking man.

I did find it strange that James Dean was listed as icon for “brooding masculinity in 1950s films” – I always thought he was more androgynous in his films. His characters were not typical leading men but had contrasting elements of neediness and strength. His face, in some pictures, was quite pretty. His strong jaw gave him the requisite masculine strength, but his lips were very feminine.

Also, it is well-known that he had many affairs with men. In fact, his bisexuality was one of the reasons I considered him my idol when I was a teenager. I admired that he had the daring to be sexually adventurous (one of his quotes is something to the effect of “I’m not going to go through life with one hand tied behind my back”), something I longed for with my friends.

Again, this research just reinforces what I believe – women are the aesthetically superior sex – who wouldn’t choose a woman?

Walking in Washington Hts (written Spring 2009)

Walking Home in Washington Heights

Spring 2009
In this neighborhood, there are always people standing around and watching as people go by. Several of my friends tell me how guys are always saying, “Hey, baby,” etc. to them, or telling them how beautiful they are. I don’t get that very often. Occasionally I will get a “God bless you,” but that’s it.

 I’m very plain in how I dress and very conservative-looking, and although I may stand out in the neighborhood because I’m white, I don’t think I get catcalls, and even if I did, I know it doesn’t mean anything because most guys in this neighborhood will call out to women just virtue of the fact that they are women, not because the woman is so hot or so beautiful. So it’s not really a compliment and doesn’t mean anything if a guy does call out to you.

One recent time for me, though, it was a compliment. I was walking home wearing my plain uniform of jeans and a jacket, and I saw this guy and girl standing and talking in Spanish. I looked at them to pretend I understood what they were saying and then walked past them. I then heard the girl say, “She got pretty eyes and a nice butt.” It’s really only a compliment if it comes from another girl.

But the problem is, I wonder if she was just giving me a genuine compliment or if she would have been interested in actually doing something with me. I think Latina girls are so hot. I didn’t get a good look at the girl but I could tell she was cute. If I had turned around and… And what? What would I have done? Nothing. I’m the most pathetic person I know.

Celebrity Dream – Jessica Biel – April 2010

April 2010

I just had a dream that somehow I was luckily enough to be making out with Jessica Biel. Then we ended up spending the night together and she enjoyed it very much.

In my dream, she had never been with a woman before, but I don’t know if that’s true in real life. Then, as a reward to me, she was going to arrange a threesome with her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. I was so disappointed, because I wanted to just be with her alone.

Somehow all my Mormon friends were there when she was calling him to tell him about it, and they were all so excited that I would get to be with Justin Timberlake. I wanted to tell them they were crazy but then I woke up. This dream is totally rooted in reality.

Jessica Biel is so hot – I’ve had a crush on her since she was jailbait in “Seventh Heaven,” and she just keeps getting hotter. And I have never understood what women find attractive in Justin Timberlake. At all.

Young Girl on Subway – April 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

As I was going home on the subway today with a few other people from church, a young girl, probably about 10 years of age, told me I was “glamorous.” I laughed and said I get that all the time, and my church friends laughed, because I am very un-glamorous – I dress as casually as I can, I don’t wear make-up, etc. Even my church dress today was very plain. Then the girl said, “No one’s ever called you glamorous before?” And I said no, and smiled, but kept talking with my friends.

The girl kept staring at me, and then she asked if I was an opera singer. I wondered if it was because I had two small braids in my hair, and I thought of the opera trope of the big fat blond lady opera singer with braids. Maybe that was this girl’s idea of glamorous? And if she thought I looked like that, how insulting!

So I told her no and kept talking with my friends. Then the girl said, “I want to sit by the glamorous girl” and walked past my guy friend who was sitting next to me and sat in between us, grabbing my hand. My guy friend got up and the girl kept holding my hand in my lap, still sitting next to me. Then the girl’s father came over and took her back to their side of the subway and told her (very nicely, though) to sit down and color her in her book.

I kept talking with my friends, and when it was my stop, I said good-bye to my friends and also said “bye” to the girl. She said “Bye, glamorous girl.”

I couldn’t help thinking of how I was when I was her age and even younger, how I was fascinated by the teenage girls and young women, how I would have loved to sit by a woman I thought was pretty and hold her hand.

I didn’t know if this girl was just having a girl crush on me, where I was someone she wanted to be like when she was older, or, like me as a child, wanted to get close to me. When I was a child, it was a combination of being attracted to girls because I wanted to be like them but also because I wanted to be with them, whether to kiss them or hug them or just be near them. Is it really that unusual? Women are beautiful.

Sexual Dreams – March 2010




March 2010


I’ve had quite a few dreams where I find out that younger girls that I know (in my dream) are having girlfriends, and it’s no big deal. I’m always so sad in my dream, wishing I had been able to have those experiences when I was a teen. Had I been born even 10 years later, I am sure I would have, as acceptance of bisexuality has grown enormously among teens in the past ten years. But when I was a pre-teen and a teen, it was completely forbidden and I was the only one I knew who wanted it.

Sexual Dreams – Jan. 2010




Jan. 2010
Now this was an interesting dream. My married friend had told me once that when I spend the night he sometimes wonders what would happen if there was a fire and we had to evacuate the building – would we have time to get our clothes on, how would we explain to his neighbors and roommate, etc.
So I just had a dream that he and I were about to go to bed when I realized that there was a gas leak and we would die in our sleep. I was so sad because I thought of his poor wife not only finding out her husband was dead, but also that he had been having an affair.

Now, after we first started the affair, almost two years ago, I asked him about his wife, and he said that she had told him that if he cheated, she didn’t want to know about it. I felt she was, in effect, giving permission, so I was okay with continuing the affair. But in my dream, I was so sad, thinking of the heartache I would bring her on top of her grief. And I also thought what a horrible way for me to be remembered! Who would dare cry at my funeral?

Sexual Dreams – Dec. 2009

Dec. 2009

I still keep having dreams about women who are so into me and all over me, and waking up is such a cruel surprise. I really can’t take this anymore. But I don’t know what to do.

Sexual Dreams – Nov. 2009

Nov. 2009

I resumed the affair with my married friend a couple months ago, partly because he is the only one I can talk to about my crushes on girls and my sexual frustration. So I broke my promise to God as far as remaining celibate until marriage. I don’t think God will ever trust me again because I’ve broken so many promises to Him. But I don’t regret resuming the affair. For one, when I’m with my married friend, I’m able to sleep better because his apartment has better insulation and the sound doesn’t carry through as much as it does in mine.

And also I just like being able to talk freely and frankly about my desires and frustrations. I’ve told him about how upsetting it is to have so many dreams about women, knowing they will never come true anymore. He’s the only one I can tell this to. I do care about him very much and would never want to hurt his wife or daughter. In my mind, and certainly in his, his wife and daughter come first. Always. But since they’re away and I’m here, I substitute. I’m a placeholder. I’m well aware of that.

Sexual Dreams/Rat Dream – Sept. 2009

September 16, 2009

Last night I had a dream that this really cute and adventurous girl and I were making out and having sex and in the morning I kept wanting to hold onto her but I was worried she would think I wanted a relationship with her, and she was just having fun. It made me sad that I had found someone I was so sexually compatible with but who I was afraid to be honest about wanting a real relationship with because then I thought she wouldn’t ever see me again.
When I woke up, I was so frustrated to have had another sexual dream about women. This is never going to end. When I went back to sleep, my dream was about rats – I hate them! So in my dream, every time a rat was coming towards me, some other animal (a brand new animal) would appear and eat the rat. The rats in this dream had fangs and probably could have hurt me, but the new animal always appeared at the right time.
My subconscious is so weird. I could say my sexual dream about the girl meant nothing, but I know the rat dream is very real – my roommate had said that when they had a cat in their apartment, there were no bugs or anything (and we’ve never had a rodent problem but that’s always been my fear, that I’ll live somewhere where they are a problem), but that the cat required care and feeding and shed like crazy. So I told my roommate that there needs to be some animal that can eat mice and rats to get rid of them all, but that doesn’t require any care from humans (so we don’t have to worry about feeding it) and that doesn’t shed (like the cat). So I can see where that rat dream originated.
But the dream about the girl, I’d been so good about not thinking about girls. Well, that’s not exactly true. Sometimes I like to think about it, either remembering times past or wishing for new times. What can I do.

Sexual Dreams – August 2009

August 2009

I had another dream of a woman I know coming on to me, but this time it was one of my friends from church, an active LDS woman. I think she’s attractive, but I try not to look at women like that anymore regardless, especially LDS women. But in my dream she took me in a room away from our friends and got on top of me, but then our friends were coming into the room so she pulled away. I spent the rest of the dream trying to get alone with her again, but it didn’t happen. I know it was just a dream, and I know she would never do anything like that in real life. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish her to.

Sexual Dreams – Summer 2009

Summer 2009

Why did I have to have another dream about a girl falling in love with me? She was so adorable, though probably only 16, but she had dark skin and long dark hair and we were in bed and I was going to be her first and she was all over me and I was all over her. I was so in love with her in my dream.

Why can’t my unconscious pay attention to what my conscious mind and conscience have agreed upon? I don’t know how I will go through life without ever being with another woman again. But as long as I stay active in the LDS church, and keep my social circle within the church, I won’t have any opportunities to be with women. But I’m so sad. The girl in my dream was so adorable!

Sexual Dreams – Mormon Lesbian List – May 2009

I’m still on this Mormon Lesbian mailing list, even though I won’t be with another woman again, because I still feel connected to that community.  One of the ladies wrote about her ideal sexual experience being completely spiritual at the same time, as in every touch is a spiritual touch, and the minds are connected in a deeper way.  I think this is what I will need to have happen in my (future) marriage.  

With this spiritual aspect, I really think if I get married to a man, I can be sexually fulfilled by him.   If we are joined in the minds, then our sexual lives can be tantric in quality, and I think we will reach spiritual heights.  


I think if we do yoga together that will help and I think we should always shower together.  For one it will conserve water but also, everyone likes showering together and I like showering with someone else more than showering alone, and it’s a good way to start the day as a married couple (after starting the day with sex, of course).  


And I think intimacy can and should always be there in the marriage.  Whenever he wants to have sex, I will be willing.  Even if I’m tired.  Sex brings the couple closer together, and what do I have to gain by withholding something that fosters intimacy in our marriage?  It’s a small sacrifice to make for the good of the marriage.


In the polyamorous affair, I would sometimes withhold sex from the guy I was supposedly dating as a power tool, and then have sex with one of his friends, right next to him, just to make him mad.  It was very immature.  


If you really love your husband (which obviously I didn’t with that guy) then why not just have sex with him when he needs it?  Men are so grateful to come. The small amount of time and effort on the wife’s part reaps dividends in closeness and intimacy and thankfulness
 on the part of the husband and furthermore on the marriage itself.  

Sex in a marriage should be constant.  And adventurous.  Wives should be willing to do anything the husband wants, as long as it isn’t demeaning to her, and husbands should likewise do anything the wife wants, with the same caveat.  All areas of sex should be tried (oral, anal, vaginal) in all possible different positions.  

And neither should feel ashamed at straying from the traditional missionary position, but both spouses should look at sexual exploration as a way to further bond and be closer.  


This may sound controversial, but I think it’s okay to get a little rough with your wife during sex – never to hit her or do anything that would harm her or make her feel demeaned, but sometimes a little roughness is okay.  


Sometimes the men would think they couldn’t be rough with their wives, which is one reason they could do things with us – we were kind of like the escape route for men to try out their fantasies with instead of with their wives.  But I think men should look at sex with their wives as everything from tender to rough (though I don’t agree with violence or bondage – never even wanted to try it).   


Sex should be explored in every way as a married couple, but I can’t advocate threesomes or orgies anymore, though I really want to! It’s so hard for me to imagine a monogamous marriage but I have to if I’m going to keep my promise. 


My fellow Mormons believe that if the couple is really in love and committed, sex should be fulfilling enough for just the two of them, especially if they have sex as often as possible.  My married friend could have sex all the time, and I was always available until I understood why it was wrong, since he was married. 

 But I will use the model of constant sex and intimacy in my (real) marriage.  My married friend felt spirituality in our intimacy, and always said that what men and women create together in sex (what he’s experienced with me and with his wife) is the greatest and most powerful feeling.  

I never felt it with him, or any man, but I would like to have that feeling with my husband.  Although I’ve never felt a level of spiritual ecstasy, I’ve had a couple of girls reach it with me, and my married friend who I was having an affair with said he’s reached it with me. 


I’ve never reached it with anyone because I’ve been too selfish.  I think I’ll reach it when I’m married because I will really want to reach it and I will be thinking of my husband, too, not just of me.  


Plus, I can only marry someone who challenges my mind and I will be committed to him spiritually, sexually, emotionally, mentally.  I might not be physically attracted to him the way I am to women, though I hope he has brown skin as that will definitely increase his attractiveness to me, but as long as our minds can meld, then we will be sexually and spiritually uplifted. 

 But I trust that God has someone in place for me who can fulfill me spiritually and sexually and intellectually and emotionally, and for whom I can be just as fulfilling in every way.   I am positive it’s possible.  

Sexual Dreams – May 2009

May 2009

Okay, now I’ve had my second sexual dream about a man, and again this is occurring many months after I had made my promise to God that I would be celibate until marriage and would abstain from women.

What necessitated this promise was the realization that an affair I was having with one of my married friends was wrong, and was unfair to his wife and family, and also that a somewhat simultaneous (though extremely short) affair with another (unmarried) guy, which was really a series of orgies and threesomes with him and his (often married) friends (though all the girls were unmarried) was likewise wrong.

I believed that my only hope for a marriage with a man would be an open marriage, a truly polyamorous relationship (and hoping with the orgies that I would finally orgasm with a man, but I never did), so I wanted to try it out.  Plus, I thought if we did have to get married, he would just be my first husband (as I am still haunted by a palm reader who said I would be married twice and the first marriage would be short and she looked at me and said she was sorry).

And I was going to help him get to America with a fiancĂ© visa, and I would want his kids to be here also.  I would still want to keep the connection with the Philippines, and since my step-grandmother is Filipina, I have long felt a real bond to that country.  But I really wanted his kids to live here in the States and have the opportunities America can provide.  I really love his three kids – they are the most beautiful, adorable kids ever.

But I finally realized my relationships, both with my married friend and with the guy in the Philippines, were wrong, and my ideas were wrong.  Even though I love his kids so much, his kids didn’t come first to me – I was always wanting to have a girlfriend or be in an orgy and so the kids weren’t priority.  That’s very selfish.

So when I left the Philippines, I promised God I would be chaste (I wasn’t completely faithful in that promise, as it took a few more months to completely end the adulterous affair with my good friend, but I have been faithful since).

So this dream I just had was a threesome, with some guy’s sex organ (sorry – I hate all names for it, whether legitimate or slang – I think the names for it are as ugly as it is) inside both me and another girl at the exact same time, which is obviously impossible, but he had two! Can you imagine two of the ugly sex organ men are so proud of (for some strange reason) on one man?  The man in my dream was certainly proud to have two of these ugly sex organs.

And I was disgusted, but I wanted to be with the girl so I let him go inside me and he was showing off that he had two sexual organs.  The whole thing was as unsexy as could be, but I put up with it, because I liked the girl.  I thought of how this was kind of like reverse double penetration.

But when I woke up I knew the dream was referencing the times when I’ve had two guys inside me at the same time (sometimes both vaginally, which never last as long, and sometimes one vaginally, one anally). I don’t find it particularly exciting to be doubly penetrated, whether both vaginally, or vaginally and anally at the same time – but guys love it so much.  Guys are so lame.

Thus my second sexual dream with a man, years and years apart from the first one!  And, just like the first one, another woman was in the picture.  I can’t picture myself ever having a sexual dream with a man where I’m actually turned on, especially if there is no other woman.  But I know it’s possible.

I hope so, anyway. I would really like to be normal, for once in my life.

Sexual Dreams – Jan. 2009

Jan 2009

This is so unfair. I changed my values and made a promise to God that I would only have sex again when I was married and that I would never have sex with a woman again. So why did I have to have a dream about one of my friends who I had a huge crush on? I’d had dreams about her before, and once very unsuccessfully tried to seduce her in real life, at which point she stopped talking to me and I don’t know if she knew what I was trying to do (as we had a cultural barrier), and it took months for her to be my friend again, but I still was in love with her.

But when I made this promise to God, I thought my unconscious would keep the promise as well. But it didn’t! Why did I have to have this dream? In this dream, she was the aggressor and wouldn’t leave me alone and I was so happy. And it felt so real that when I woke up it took me awhile to shake it off. And it just made me miss women, and her especially, even more. If I ever see her again, I will die if she decides to come on to me. I don’t know how I would handle that. I would probably run away crying. Because I made a promise to God. I’ve made promises to Him before and broken them, but I can’t break this promise this time. I’ve been through too much. And He’s given me too much.

Beautiful Vs. Hot* (written 2005-2008)


Beautiful Vs. Hot*


Yes, there is a difference –
Hot, being more readily apparent,
is much easier to spot from a distance,
yet can lose appeal in close-up.
While beautiful may not be as
noticeable from far away, it
is undeniable up close.

Men, the dumber sex,
are more likely to be attracted to the hot
than to the truly naturally beautiful.

Though women can appreciate both,
they usually lean towards the beautiful.

Yes, truly beautiful women
can also be hot,
depending on the outfit
or hairstyle or make-up,
but someone who can be hot
is not necessarily beautiful.

Hotness is more about the clothes,
hair, make-up, attitude.
Hotness is attainable.
Hotness can be achieved by anyone,
but not stunning beauty.
Beauty is in-born.**

(And then there are those
who are anointed as beauties
simply because they’re famous,
but take away the fame, and
you have very plain women).

The women who seem
to be the most naturally
beautiful (to me) are: Indian women (who
are the most beautiful women in the entire world,
though, in contrast to Bollywood’s ideal, 
I much prefer the darker-skinned Indians to the lighter-skinned!),
Polynesians, South Asians, Persians, Filipinas, Arabs, and Latinas,
because these women have
brown skin (which looks better without
foundation make-up than does white skin,
which almost always
requires some sort of foundation, thus
not naturally beautiful), 
can grow long black hair, 
which I think is the prettiest hair
(though I also love natural red hair!),
and have dark eyes and
strong dark eyebrows,
which means they don’t
need eye make-up.  Beauty
is more about the eyes
than almost anything else
(most important
are the facial features
and how they fit
together, but
beautiful eyes
do me in everytime),
and strong eyebrows
and dark eyelashes
are vital to beauty (for me).

(Pretty is what people usually
mean when they call a
woman beautiful.  Many
women are pretty, very
pretty.  But truly beautiful? 
Universally beautiful? 
That is a rarity.  As
it should be).

Hot women need cosmetics,
Beautiful women don’t.
Hot women have to
work at being hot and
when they don’t try,
they can be unhot.
But beautiful women are
always beautiful.
Beautiful women are.

Hotness fades.
Hotness dies.
Hotness takes effort.
Beauty lasts.
Beauty lives.
Beauty is.

Screen Legends:

Greta Garbo – not pretty or beautiful in the traditional sense, not hot, but an interesting face
Jean Harlow – Hot, not beautiful
Jane Russell – Very, very, very Hot, not quite beautiful, though certainly striking
Betty Grable – Hot, not beautiful
Rita Hayworth – Hot, not quite beautiful, though certainly Pretty
Yvonne deCarlo – Hot, not beautiful, but Pretty
Lauren Bacall – Beautiful, and almost hot, but not always hot (though in “To Have and Have Not” she was smoldering)
Grace Kelly – Beautiful, exquisitely beautiful, not hot (I normally don’t find blonde women beautiful, as I like dark eyelashes and eyebrows, but her face is so beautifully formed, ah that face!)
Brigitte Bardot – Very very, very, very Hot!  Very Pretty, but not beautiful.
France Nguyen (Vietnamese actress who played the Polynesian Liat in film version of “South Pacific” – I know she’s not considered a legend, but there are so few Asian movie stars or Polynesian movie stars, which is ridiculous because they are such beautiful women) – very Pretty, almost Beautiful, not really Hot
Audrey Hepburn – Pretty, but not beautiful (to me -- even with those eyes), not hot
Jayne Mansfield – Hot, not beautiful (but her body was beautiful, as was Marilyn’s)
Tuesday Weld - Hot, not quite beautiful, but very Pretty and Crush-worthy!
Dawn Wells – Pretty, not hot, not quite beautiful
Tina Louise – Hot, very Pretty, not quite Beautiful
Sally Field – Pretty, not beautiful or hot (but another childhood crush!)
Stevie Nicks – Hot, but not traditionally pretty or beautiful (she was my first celebrity crush – I fell in love with her when I was in first grade and saw her photo on my parent’s Rumours album cover – I recognize that she doesn’t cultivate an image of being “hot” but I consider her hot, and this is my list of beauty and hotness)

Debbie Harry – Beautiful and Hot – that face! Wow! (also when I was in first grade, I was in love with the song “The Tide Is High,” but had no idea what the singer looked like – if I’d known, she and Steve Nicks would have tied for the title of my first celebrity crush! Also, the best compliment I ever got was when I was in high school and a guy in one of my classes told me I looked like Debbie Harry – I’m not worthy! – since then, I’ve been told I look like Daryl Hannah, Kim Basinger, Sharon Stone, Molly Sims, but never again like Debbie Harry. Also, I understand when we’re told we look like celebrities, we don’t actually look like them, but there’s just enough of a resemblance, even if it's just hair color, to make the comparison))

Marilyn Monroe – Very, Very, Very Hot, Blazing Hot (subject of my first sexual dream), but not beautiful at all, not even truly pretty, even after the nose job and chin implant, but oh-so Hot and Sexy!
Elizabeth Taylor – Absolutely Beautiful and Very Hot (so stunning, she can’t be missed, but the beauty is true in long view and in close-up, with and without make-up, truly the most beautiful woman who has ever lived -- when I see pictures of her I get so overcome that I cry)

Today’s Actresses/Singers/Models:

Pamela Anderson – Hot, not beautiful
Jennifer Lopez – Hot, not beautiful (but one of the sexiest women who’s ever lived)
Shakira – Hot, not beautiful (but another contender for sexiest woman)
Cindy Crawford – Definitely very Pretty, but not sure about beautiful?  Definitely Hot, though!
Julia Roberts – Very Pretty, but in an unusual way, not beautiful, but with the right look, can be quite Hot (as in “Pretty Woman”), but not always
Courteney CoxVery Pretty, not quite beautiful (but almost!), not hot
Salma Hayek – Beautiful, not always hot, though sometimes
Christy Turlington – Beautiful, not always hot, but (the most?) beautiful face -- even though she’s blonde, her features are so perfectly formed, quite breath-taking
Robin Wright – Beautiful, not hot (beautiful face even though she’s blonde)
Michelle Pfeiffer – Beautiful, not always hot, though certainly can be Hot (beautiful face even though she’s blonde)
Tia Carrere – Hot, not Beautiful
Jessica Biel – Very, very Hot, not quite beautiful, but Very, very, very Pretty
Gisele Bundchen – Very, very, very Pretty and Very Hot, not quite beautiful
Eva Mendes – Very, very, very Pretty and Very, very, very Hot, but not quite beautiful (in fact, compared to Angelina and Elizabeth Taylor, it really is quite difficult to call other women beautiful)
Alicia Keys – Pretty, not beautiful, not hot
Gwen Stefani – Hot! Not traditionally pretty or beautiful, but so hot
Padma Lakshmi – Beautiful and Hot
Rachel Roy – Beautiful and Hot
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Beautiful, no question, and Hot, no question
Angelina Jolie – Very Beautiful and Very Hot (the closest you have to an Elizabeth Taylor in this day and age)

Discuss amongst yourselves.

*    (I myself am fine with being neither, though I was called pretty and sometimes beautiful (though never hot!) when I was younger, but now I’m too old, and I fully admit that I am neither, and, in my advancing age, I enjoy being plain, actually, but in other women, I appreciate Beauty much, much more than Hotness).

**  Also, please note this beauty of which I speak differs from the natural beauty we all have as humans – look at any human face and you will see nature’s hand at work in carving a beauty that can’t be replicated nor improved upon with plastic surgery – the natural beauty of the human face, which every human has, is quite remarkable. Now, not all are going to be model-beautiful or actress-beautiful, or attractive (and we all have our own taste of attractiveness) and that’s okay – the natural beauty of all humans is different than the beauty I am describing of the women I find attractive.


*** Also, please keep in mind that the actresses/models I've included are generally considered to be pretty, beautiful and/or hot, though this is certainly not an exhaustive list of all the pretty, beautiful and/or celebrities. These are who immediately came to my mind.

**** Also also also, please remember that I think all women are beautiful just by virtue of their being women.  This beauty is different than the beauty I speak of that all humans have. The beauty of women is a special category because there is a reason women have long been referred to as “the fairer sex.” This doesn’t mean women should be objectified – not at all. But women are inherently more beautiful than men are.  Yes, all humans are beautiful, and all women are especially beautiful, but taking those as givens, my list of beauty vs. hotness is my preference and merely my opinion of beauty and hotness in regards to what attracts me.  For example: All flowers are beautiful, but roses are more beautiful than daisies.  And of roses, I may prefer red roses above all.  This isn’t a perfect analogy, especially for me, because I don’t really care to receive flowers as a gift because I don’t think it’s practical – I’d rather receive chocolate or something I can actually use, but just trying to have an analogy for my list. 




Wives – Nov. 2008

Wives

Don’t be upset –
you’re the ones they really choose
You come first and last
We are just in the middle
a perpetual middle
and not the whole middle
just a piece of it
a diversion, an
entertaining bite
Don’t be jealous –
they can’t live on us without you
they won’t subsist
We’re just the sinful dessert
the forbidden snacking
while you’re the
main course
the substance
the meat
the sustenance,
we’re just sugar,
chocolate frosting,
potato chips
Don’t be selfish –
you get the legal benefits,
the respect
the ring
we get a few dollars
a few outings
a few meals
You want them all to
yourself? All the
money and entertainment
to yourself?
We only take a nibble
You get the full protection
You get the stability
We’re just tottering on waves
Let us have some of the pie
Though we’ll never be
legitimate or recognized,
let your husbands enjoy
themselves with us.
Give them a break
and us a night out
And don’t shirk
your responsibility -
things they would
never dare do with you
they expect of us;
they can always
count on us
because they can’t
count on you.
But we don’t have a
claim on them,
we don’t really count -
What title do we have?
What will our
Gravestones say?
We are hidden
You are public
They can talk of you
in strong, confident tones –
“My wife, my wife…”
while we must be
whispered if uttered
at all.
Be glad you are spoken,
written, acknowledged.
Be glad for visibility,
for ownership.
Be glad you can have
real children with them.
How would we explain it?
To our friends?
To our family?
To our children?
We can’t even talk
about your husbands
unless to others like us.
If our friends knew,
people from church,
what would they do?
Condemn us and
disown us.
We must always
be vague:
“I’m working late”
“I’m seeing other friends tonight”
“My job takes all my time”
“Oh, no one gave it to me.”
You get to say
“my husband.”
We don’t get to
say “my” anything. Yet
you use them just as
we do, only your
payment is far greater.
So don’t complain.
Don’t simmer in anger.
We get them off
your hands for a few
hours or a few nights.
And we can never
muster a headache.
We must always be “on.”
Beautiful.
Witty.
Entertaining.
Willing.
Waiting for them.
Worth their time and money.
We are cut no slack.
So cut us some.
Interest and patience
lost in us rarely return,
while we merely
temporarily replace
their lost interest in you
for but a morsel of time,
being chewed and
digested with no
guarantee of a
tomorrow.
Your payment and
status are fairly
secure
Ours exist only
in the dark room
where time and light
threaten our very safety.
So don’t whimper.
You know they’ll always
come home to you
Maybe not tonight
or tomorrow
or even next week
but they’re yours.
They already chose you
for good.
So let them choose us
for evil.

Jack, Jane, and Jill – Nov. 2008

Jack, Jane, and Jill

Jack, Jane, and Jill
Grew up alone
On an uninhabited island
No movies, no phone
It matters not how
they arrived, these three,
Just that they’re alone,
No interference, no referee,
But fruit was abundant
And vegetables, too
And fish freely swam
In the river so blue
Their shelter was formed
In a beautiful cave
The island provided for
Any need they could crave
As the three children aged,
The girls’ beauty grew -
Jill’s lovely blonde curls,
Her eyes sparkling blue,
Especially twinkling
Each time exotic Jane,
With her striking dark features
And wavy black mane,
Would hug her and kiss her,
And both their soft breasts
Against dewy skin
They eagerly caressed
Jack, on the other hand,
His hair straight and brown,
eyes with no mystery,
smile looking down,
(comparatively) plain features
And body like a square,
Did nothing to intrigue
Jane and Jill to care
For him like they cared
So deeply for each other,
(Though they truly adored
Jack as a surrogate brother)
For dear Jill and Jane
had such a strong bond
Jack just couldn’t penetrate
With any kind of wand
(though he thought it
magic, glowing with light,
Jane and Jill saw its ugly
form as a blight),
They could snuggle together
And not say a word
Yet still convey meaning
Which Jack found absurd,
And their laughter and jokes
Jack didn’t understand,
nor their secret sly smiles
As they walked hand-in-hand
With no outside forces
To say Jack was cute
Or the “Big Man on Campus”
Or wealthy, to boot,
Or to raise up their status,
Make them envied, desired,
Jack was left out of
Jane and Jill’s sensual fire
Being a young man,
Jack had his needs
His pent-up yearning,
Sprouting like weeds,
He could release by himself,
But who can resist
The eyes of a woman,
Her delicate wrist,
Her supple, sweet body,
Her lovely face, pure,
And Jack had two in
His sight, to be sure!
Do men learn to force
Or is it inborn, innate?
Did Jack give in
(unable to wait)
To his lustful wishes
And use his great might
To make them give him
What he wanted that night?
Did he take just one
Or both of them on?
Did the young women struggle,
Did they fight? Or yawn?
Did they laugh it all off?
Did they grow with child?
Was the island still peaceful?
Or chaotic and wild?
Did Jack have a favorite?
Did Jane and Jill resign
To Jack’s brawny strength?
Did they threaten and whine
And come up with arrangements
Like a figurative wall,
but let Jack think he had
the best bargain of all,
and appeasing Jack simply
Like a rare side of meat,
Jane and Jill’s time alone
Was most precious and sweet?
No matter the ending,
Whatever the refrain,
All women are Jill
And all women are Jane,
And when allowed access
To our desire’s pure will,
Jill will always choose Jane
And Jane will always choose Jill.

Ode to Women – Nov. 2008

Ode to Women

Luscious curves
Sweet lips
Soft skin
Drops of honey
Endlessly fascinating
Endlessly satisfying
Endlessly pleasing
Should be touched
kissed
tasted
explored
Slowly
softly
lingeringly
quickly
urgently
passionately
Always a new experience
Even a little is a lot
Beauty for the eyes
hands
mouth
Beauty in cold
and beauty in hot
Manifestation of divinity
Sighing
Breathing
Breath-Stopping
Gift to humankind

Ode to Men – Nov. 2008

Ode to Men

It all seemed the same
(it really couldn’t change)
only quickies, I guess,
even if not,
and not that many, actually,
and I always got something
whether money or dinner
(though I prefer money)
or a ride home
and the self-deluding
consolation that
I’m just like other girls,
and who’s to say I’m not?
I didn’t feel anything,
bad or good
I often couldn’t tell
(do I realize?)
they’re inside at first,
it didn’t affect me
or bother me, really,
but their release is my relief too
And they could do
whatever they want to me
wherever they want on me
in any way they want
for I’m very flexible
and can be bent
and stretched and pulled
and twisted and warped
and nothing hurts
(and I prefer not having to see them)
anything
except demean me
or debase me
above all on my face
(why do some girls?)
and the more of them
at once gives me
space from them all
but their coarse tongues
and rough touch
and ugly members
had no chance of
awakening me
so nothing lingers for me
and pleasure is absent
so no meaning appears
and thus no sense of shame
or sin
I just receive them
but not be there
anywhere
ever

Dreams of My Ex-Girlfriend (written Fall 2008)

I had a few dreams that I was performing in a play I had been in in college, but this time my ex-girlfriend was in the audience. All I could think about was if she would think I did a good job and I hoped to impress her and make her want to take me back.

I had several dreams that my ex-girlfriend would appear on my campus all of a sudden and I would run up to her, so excited to see her, and she would ignore me and walk away from me. I would be so upset that she would travel so far, and end up in the same place I was, yet not want to see me.

I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend and I were driving and fighting and suddenly we got in an accident. Then I realized that there was going to be an oil tank explosion and we would all be burned. I ran away and hid somewhere and my girlfriend stayed on the road. The fire didn’t happen, or at least not before I awoke, but I woke up with such a sense of foreboding and concern for my ex-girlfriend, who I will always love. I don’t know if we survived or not.

Dream of My Child (written Fall 2008)

Dream of My Child

I’ve always wanted dark children. I’ve always been fascinated with dark skin. When I lived in Utah, there was one girl who was Native American, and I thought she was so cute.  When I stayed in a small Peruvian village as a teenager for a charity trip, I thought the children were adorable.  I loved their big brown eyes and black hair and brown skin.  I wanted to take them home with me and adopt them, but of course I couldn't take them away from their families! And of course I was just a teenager and could not provide for them.

A few years later, I had a dream that my first baby was a baby with brown skin, and the father had dark brown skin, with long thick black hair and bangs that kept getting in his eyes.  However, he was very ugly with a huge nose and he was tall and skinny. Not what I would find attractive.

The baby was also very ugly, with hair coming out of his ears and crying the whole time. But regardless of how ugly the man and the baby were, I’ve always felt this dream was a premonition, that, if I’m supposed to marry a man, and I have been brought up believing this my whole life, that the man will have brown skin and I will have brown children.

That is what I’ve always thought will let me know if a man is to be my husband – he will have brown skin. And I hope I would be sexually attracted to this man but that’s not a guarantee. So if he is to be my husband, I want to make sure that I will be a good wife and enjoy sex with him but my main goal with him would be to get pregnant. If he even exists.

Sexual Dreams – Fall 2008

Fall 2008

I just had another dream of a woman I know coming on to me and trying to have sex with me. In my dream I then began to be attracted to her. But in real life, next time I see her, I really can’t imagine that my feelings will change. I’m not attracted to her. Though now I wonder if I will look at her differently, just because of this dream?

The one other time I had a sexual dream with someone in real life who I wasn’t attracted to, which was years ago, my feelings never changed for that lady, but this latest dream was so vivid, I don’t know, and plus this woman is around my age instead of being so much older.

I wonder if when we have dreams about someone, are they having the same dream about us? Or any dream about us? Could our minds be connected somehow? So strange. Never in a million years would I have thought this woman is someone I would sexually dream about. Maybe this just further shows that dreams for the most part are only random. Who cares, right?

Sexual Dreams – Spring 2008

Spring 2008

I thought I was beyond having dreams about a girl chasing after me and wanting to be my girlfriend, but I just had another one! I can’t stand this. I am so happy in the dream and I wake up so disappointed. And she was so pretty, so beautiful! She was Polynesian and Native American mixed or something similar (a combination I’ve wanted for many years now) and she had her hair in two long braids. I always wanted to have a girlfriend like that. I thought I was past this stupid fantasy but I guess my unconscious is reminding me through my dream. I’m really sad now.

Celebrity Dream – Eliot Spitzer (May 2008)


May 2008

I haven’t had any celebrity dreams for years, but not long ago I had a dream that I was at a restaurant with some friends when the former NY governor Eliot Spitzer, who unfortunately recently resigned, and his wife sat at a table not far from us. My friends immediately began to whisper. I started to say something in his defense but then I woke up.

What I wanted to say was that I thought he had been a good governor so far, and I wished he hadn’t resigned. Yes, people (themselves hypocritical, really) thought he was being hypocritical for prosecuting prostitution rings and then he ended up getting caught as a client, and maybe that is hypocritical, but he shouldn’t have resigned for it. (I know prostitution is illegal in NY, but I’ll address that in a minute).

He paid for the services himself; he did not use state funds. I think what the new governor, David Paterson, did is much worse, for he charged hotel nights (when he was having an affair, of which he’s had several) to his campaign fund. That is so much worse! I can’t stand when people (politicians or executives or celebrities or anyone, actually) use business accounts or government funds or anything but their own money to pay for things, anything, for themselves, especially when it’s *our* money they’re using. That’s so wrong! That’s the worst! A deliberate misuse of public funds and the public’s trust! So what Spitzer did wasn’t so bad.

And yes, he cheated on his wife, but as I said, so did Paterson. Besides, I think monogamy holds an exalted and undeserved position in our national psyche. I don’t get it. There’s only been one person where I never even thought of anyone else. But that was also my only real relationship, and even then she broke up with me so many times so we weren’t even together for a consecutive length of time very often! So I have no track record to speak of in terms of relationships and I’m probably the last person to have a right to say anything about monogamy.

But personally, I’ve never been able to imagine marriage, only if it’s open, and even if it’s open, it’s hard for me to see. And maybe open marriages will never fully work in this society. I don’t know.
(But I do think it’s natural for men to want to cheat, and I don’t necessarily mean it’s biological with men, but just that there are so many beautiful women out there. If wives would open themselves up to the idea of being with other women, I bet they would all want to cheat, too, and would better understand where their husbands are coming from.

When a woman wants to cheat with another man, I think it’s just because the other man gives her attention that her husband isn’t giving her. I remember a truly wonderful and very religious lady telling me that the pull of adultery affects even her — when her husband is putting her down or making her feel unattractive or unwanted, if another man gives her attention, regardless of what the man is like or who he is, she is tempted. Women just want to be loved. And they should be.

But they should also get to love each other, and then they will feel better. So I really can’t see monogamy working on either side. Though in some cases, it does, as with my parents. I know my parents never even considered cheating, and I know they really loved each other, and I think this is true of a lot of Mormon couples, though certainly not all of them. But the idea of one man and one woman literally eternally married to each other is so ingrained in the current Mormon psyche, where polygamy is relegated to the far distant past, that it practically eradicates any idea of adultery.)
At any rate, let’s not be so quick to judge, when what Spitzer did was outside of his job (with Clinton, the concern, or what should have been, was that he committed perjury, regardless of what for). Technically speaking.

Besides, prostitution should be legal, anyway. Workers aren’t protected otherwise and have no legal rights that other employees have. Child prostitution and forced prostitution could be eliminated if prostitution were legal. And madams and pimps wouldn’t get to keep all (or most) of the money.
And workers who independently have sex for money (whether on their own or in a club) would have legal protection, whereas now there is no guarantee the guy will pay unless he pays upfront. In what other sort of work would non-payment for a service performed be tolerated?

(Also, I think if prostitution were legal, the overrated idea of virginity, especially in terms of vaginal intercourse, which is the most boring, might go away as well. It’s all so ridiculous, the idea that prostitution is so heinous, that vaginal virginity is so essential and must be protected and rescued. It’s been made into too big of a sometimes deadly deal.)

Offering oneself for sex shouldn’t be looked down upon or seen as such a lowly prospect. People give exorbitant hours of their time in exchange for money. (What is more valuable and irretrievable than time?) Some people work for a horrible supervisor in exchange for money. Some people have jobs they hate in exchange for money. A lot of college grads spend two grueling years in investment banking, making beaucoup money, then go onto something else where they aren’t slaves.

Prostitution, likewise, can be a temporary fix to get someone on their feet or just to get ahead. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to do it for 40 years, though surely many do, but it’s okay in short doses. And nevertheless, it shouldn’t be thought of as wrong. Everyone works, in one way or another, for money. How you use your own body, your own time, is up to you.

But without legal protection, choice might not factor in. If prostitution were legal, sex trafficking could be stopped as well. And the stigma wouldn’t be so much on the prostitute as on the john if this service were legalized, or maybe the stigma could be wiped out altogether.

Politicians really need to look at supply and demand and legalize prostitution, especially since they all seem to avail themselves of this service at one time or another.