Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sexual Dreams – May 2009

May 2009

Okay, now I’ve had my second sexual dream about a man, and again this is occurring many months after I had made my promise to God that I would be celibate until marriage and would abstain from women.

What necessitated this promise was the realization that an affair I was having with one of my married friends was wrong, and was unfair to his wife and family, and also that a somewhat simultaneous (though extremely short) affair with another (unmarried) guy, which was really a series of orgies and threesomes with him and his (often married) friends (though all the girls were unmarried) was likewise wrong.

I believed that my only hope for a marriage with a man would be an open marriage, a truly polyamorous relationship (and hoping with the orgies that I would finally orgasm with a man, but I never did), so I wanted to try it out.  Plus, I thought if we did have to get married, he would just be my first husband (as I am still haunted by a palm reader who said I would be married twice and the first marriage would be short and she looked at me and said she was sorry).

And I was going to help him get to America with a fiancé visa, and I would want his kids to be here also.  I would still want to keep the connection with the Philippines, and since my step-grandmother is Filipina, I have long felt a real bond to that country.  But I really wanted his kids to live here in the States and have the opportunities America can provide.  I really love his three kids – they are the most beautiful, adorable kids ever.

But I finally realized my relationships, both with my married friend and with the guy in the Philippines, were wrong, and my ideas were wrong.  Even though I love his kids so much, his kids didn’t come first to me – I was always wanting to have a girlfriend or be in an orgy and so the kids weren’t priority.  That’s very selfish.

So when I left the Philippines, I promised God I would be chaste (I wasn’t completely faithful in that promise, as it took a few more months to completely end the adulterous affair with my good friend, but I have been faithful since).

So this dream I just had was a threesome, with some guy’s sex organ (sorry – I hate all names for it, whether legitimate or slang – I think the names for it are as ugly as it is) inside both me and another girl at the exact same time, which is obviously impossible, but he had two! Can you imagine two of the ugly sex organ men are so proud of (for some strange reason) on one man?  The man in my dream was certainly proud to have two of these ugly sex organs.

And I was disgusted, but I wanted to be with the girl so I let him go inside me and he was showing off that he had two sexual organs.  The whole thing was as unsexy as could be, but I put up with it, because I liked the girl.  I thought of how this was kind of like reverse double penetration.

But when I woke up I knew the dream was referencing the times when I’ve had two guys inside me at the same time (sometimes both vaginally, which never last as long, and sometimes one vaginally, one anally). I don’t find it particularly exciting to be doubly penetrated, whether both vaginally, or vaginally and anally at the same time – but guys love it so much.  Guys are so lame.

Thus my second sexual dream with a man, years and years apart from the first one!  And, just like the first one, another woman was in the picture.  I can’t picture myself ever having a sexual dream with a man where I’m actually turned on, especially if there is no other woman.  But I know it’s possible.

I hope so, anyway. I would really like to be normal, for once in my life.

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