tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5934193578406149992024-03-12T18:03:11.453-07:00Mormon Lesbian Prostitute? Remnants of a Threadbare Mindthe purging of an unstraight but Mormon mind on politics, polyamory, prostitution, lesbianism, bisexuality, dreams. some bad free verse thrown in for good measure.Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.comBlogger100125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-3075835784643449262015-03-07T16:38:00.001-08:002015-03-07T16:53:48.176-08:00Why I Write - Writing For My Children – written March 21, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Talking with “Mahmoud” about children and how life is
meaningless without them got me thinking about writing in my journal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my church, we have been taught to keep
journals from the time we were young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Partly to see our own growth and to record our spiritual experiences,
but also to provide a record for our descendants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We want to share our histories with our
descendants so they can really know us.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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In my case, I post my journal entries on blogs (I only type
my journal – can’t do the hand-written journals anymore, though I do keep
detailed handwritten notes on my calendars and day planners).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This is partly because I want to be involved in discussions
about lesbianism, prostitution, swinging, and polyamory without using my real
name, but also so my descendants can read my journals and know what I was like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In blog form, I change all the names and
identifying information because I don’t want my children getting any ideas and
tracking down Robert Hannibal’s children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I want to protect everyone who I write about, but especially Robert
Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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However, lately I’ve been thinking that I don’t I want my
children to read my journal entries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Especially after my conversation with Mahmoud reinforced how important I
think mothers are for their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
my children to just think of me as a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t want them to think of me as anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But the same goes for my grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only want them to think of me as a
grandmother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grandmothers are the best
thing in the world (unless the mother is wonderful, which mine wasn’t), and
even though I love seeing pictures of my late grandmother when she was young
and pretty, and I was so happy when she would tell me that I look like she did
when she was young, her primary identity to me is as Grandma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want my grandchildren to only think of me
as Grandma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So I’ve decided that these blog journal entries should only
be read by my great-grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s far enough down the line and I’ll be far enough removed from history
at that point (I’m so old now and have not had any children yet, and I will
most likely die before I have any grandchildren).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But even though I’ll likely be dead before I have any
grandchildren, I still want them to think of me as “Grandma.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My great grandchildren, therefore, should be
the first in my family to read these entries and to know of my shadow
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I want to emphasize that this is not because I’m embarrassed
by any of this shadow life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the
contrary, I am not at all ashamed of any of it, but I know some of the subject
matter might make some people uncomfortable, which is the main reason I keep it
secret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And I especially think women should not be ashamed of
prostitution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think sex work is a very
logical way of making money and I hate that there is such a stigma attached. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But my most important role in life will be to be a mother,
and so that is all that my children need to be know. No child wants to know
about the sex lives, past or present, of their parents, and my children aren’t
going to want to know about mine either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nor will my grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
these journal entries include too much of my sexual life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When I’m older, I’ll go through my entries and designate the
creative writing ones<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and the ones that
talk about spiritual matters and politics for my children and grand-children.
But I’ll leave the ones about my personal life for my great-grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps my great-grandchildren won’t want to
know about my personal life either? In any case, we’ll see. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know how I will make sure that only my great-grandchildren
read these entries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what
blog-hosting services will be in place in the future, and I don’t know how to
ensure that my great-grandchildren and beyond can read this but not my children
and grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there is plenty of time for this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not even close to having any children at
this point. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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In the meantime, I enjoy the catharsis of purging but also
reliving when I write down my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
I love being part of polyamory and lesbian groups online under my pseudonym
that I could never be a part of in real life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The internet is a great way for my shadow life to emerge from the
bifurcation that I am. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-19320656316086102502013-06-07T18:01:00.001-07:002013-06-07T18:22:58.666-07:00Mormons, Sex, and Violence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Last night I was with my Mormon friends at an informal
discussion group – one of our other friends was talking to us about theater in
NYC and recommending shows, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of
my friends lightheartedly mentioned an experimental show where there was a red
velvet cake representing someone’s dead bloody body and people started eating
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I exclaimed my disgust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing about me – I can never hide my
emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone laughed at me and another friend mentioned a show
she had seen where someone smashed a pumpkin that was supposed to represent a
human head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I can’t handle it!” I cried
and covered my ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, everyone
laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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People think I’m just overreacting or being funny, but I
really cannot handle such gross depictions of violence to the human body, even
allegorical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then they started discussing the immersive theatre piece
<a href="http://theater.nytimes.com/2011/04/14/theater/reviews/sleep-no-more-is-a-macbeth-in-a-hotel-review.html" target="_blank">“Sleep No More.”</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girl who led the
discussion intoned in a very serious voice, “I have to warn you, there is
eroticism and sexual connotations.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Another of my friends, who’d seen the show, agreed that there was
nudity, but she didn’t feel the scenes she saw were particularly erotic (since
the show is interactive, each person can see a different show, depending on which
character they follow, which rooms they end up in, etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They both thought the show was excellent but emphasized
that one should be prepared for the sexual inferences. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I remember reading about “Sleep No More” when it first came
out a couple years ago and was instantly intrigued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still need to see it, but what will be
uncomfortable for me will be the violence, not the sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This theatre discussion only reinforced to
me how different I am from my dear Mormon friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was dismayed, as I usually get, at hearing
my Mormon friends exercise caution in all matters sexual but think nothing of
violence. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My friends know I can’t handle violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we watch movies, they always tell me
when I need to cover my eyes and (sometimes ears).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when we’re choosing movies, if there is
too much hint of anything sexual, someone will invariably voice concern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I feel like I am the only one who
protests at violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I will never understand the Mormon culture’s over-concern
with sex and under-concern with violence (I specify culture because our
doctrine is pretty clearly against violence).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even my roommate has often complained that guys in New York are worse
than guys in California because they’ll cheat on their women (I could never
tell her the full story about <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/08/talking-of-robert-hannibal-with-my.html" target="_blank">my beloved married Robert Hannibal</a>), and guys in
Cali are faithful, but they all have guns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t press her on this because I didn’t want to get in an argument
with her, but I’m so tired of this kind of thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this theatre discussion, I remembered a meeting with my
bishop this past December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was trying
to understand how I can have a testimony of the LDS church but not a testimony
of the law of chastity. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He asked what I thought about the human
body and the sacred creation that it is and the sacred respect that we should
give the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him I have so much
respect for the human body that it upsets me to watch any kind of violence and
I don't even like watching fights because I can't handle bodies getting hurt.
He seemed surprised and said it was commendable that I feel that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he said he wants me to work on getting a
testimony of the law of chastity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m still trying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I would like all Mormons to get a
testimony of the beauty and sacredness of the human body in the full sense, not
in their limited sex-outside-of marriage-is-bad sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-65175498630362075972013-01-02T18:58:00.000-08:002013-06-19T15:33:06.618-07:00Frank Discussions of Sexuality in a Bedouin Shop in Jerusalem – written March 21, 2011<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">This Saturday morning after
“Abdul” took me to breakfast, he brought me to a Bedouin shop that his brother
co-managed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His brother, “Mahmoud,” spoke
nearly perfect English. Mahmoud told me Abdul had told him I was Mormon and a
journalism student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Mahmoud I was
writing about nonviolent resistance and asked if I could talk with him about
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me, “I am against fighting
and against danger, except in bed.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">So I knew this wouldn’t be an
ordinary interview.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Initially I tried to
steer the conversation to my story topic, but he kept asking me questions,
wanting to know about me, especially my being Mormon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me he had worked at the BYU Jerusalem
Center twelve years ago, and even dated a Mormon girl for 18 months. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He asked about my dating
life, and at first I only told him about “New,” the Indian from New Jersey I
met at my swing party job, as that seemed the most normal of my dating (though
of course none of my dating is normal).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somehow he deduced that I was not a typical Mormon girl and had mostly
dated non-Mormons and had had sex outside of marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So you’re a bad Mormon,” he said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I was a little taken aback,
because even though I may not follow all the commandments, I still have a very
strong testimony of the Gospel and eventually I do plan on being completely
faithful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I have signed a </span><a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/06/part-4-contract-remember-lots-wife.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">contract</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> otherwise stating that eventually I will be
fully committed to the Lord?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">However, as soon as I
protested, he responded, “You break the rules, you’re a bad Mormon. It’s okay,
my ex-girlfriend was a bad Mormon too, back then.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Mahmoud calling me a “bad
Mormon” released the secrets of my shadow life, and I spoke very frankly with
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that even though I
believe the LDS Church is true, I don’t understand the law of chastity, so I
don’t keep it, though I plan to in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I also told him that all my
life I thought I was a lesbian and was only attracted to women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him this is why prostitution is easy
for me because I could never imagine any woman wanting to have sex with a man
unless she gets paid for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained
that I felt this way until I met Robert Hannibal, whom I met at my
prostitution-like job, where I’m paid to have sex with the men who attend the
swing party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I even admitted that a couple
years ago I was going to marry a Filipino guy just to get him to the States and
to make me seem a somewhat normal Mormon by being married, since I’m an
unmarried woman and that makes me not a normal Mormon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him how “Dan” and I had an agreement
that if we got married, it would only be for a year, and I told Mahmoud that
most of the time Dan and I did not have sex alone but rather in group
settings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love of orgies and women –
that’s all Dan and I had in common.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I told Mahmoud I never
enjoyed sex alone with a man before and always wanted women there to make it
enjoyable for me, and that was why I liked orgies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him Robert Hannibal was the first man
I ever enjoyed sex alone with, the first man I ever was attracted to, the first
man I ever loved, the first man I ever made love to. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Mahmoud laughed and said
that’s because I’d dated an Indian and a Filipino, and he said “they’re not
real men.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked if I’d ever been
with an Arab, and I said I had been with Arabs and they meant nothing to me,
same as with every other man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him
that through my job in college and my current job, in addition to my limited dating, I’ve been with hundreds of guys, that I’ve been with every single race, actually, and many
different nationalities: black, white, Asian, Latin American, Iranian, Arab,
Kurdish, Dominican, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I told
him I wasn’t sure if I’d been with a Pacific Islander.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He asked what race Robert
Hannibal is, and when I said he was from Jamaica, Mahmoud said that he’d heard
black men are good in bed. I told him I’d been with many black men and none of
them were any good; only Robert Hannibal is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t consider Robert Hannibal
black.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or any race.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Robert Hannibal is in his own category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Mahmoud asked what I like
about sex with Robert Hannibal and I said I didn’t know how to explain it but I
love sex with him so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love him so
much I want to be as close as possible to him and the closest way is through sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But during sex with every other guy I don’t
feel anything (unless it hurts).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He asked if I ever orgasmed
with Robert Hannibal and I told him I’d never orgasmed with any guy, only with
women, but with Robert Hannibal I loved being with him so much that I didn’t
need to orgasm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel so wonderful
having sex with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the best
feeling in the world, but it’s not an orgasm, it’s something else entirely.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He asked if Robert Hannibal
had gone down on me, and I said yes, a few times, but I prefer to have him
inside me because we’re closer that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He asked how I feel when guys go down on me and I said, “again,
nothing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked what about when I go
down on guys and I said I have done that, but I don’t like it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I said, “In my job now, I
don’t do anything – I don’t give hand-jobs or blow-jobs – I just have sex. I
just receive, but I’ll receive any kind of sex – vaginal, oral, anal – it
doesn’t matter.” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I figured you out – you don’t
want to do any work,” Mahmoud said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“You’re lazy.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“You’re right,” I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And why should I work when I don’t need
to?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need to do anything at all, and
they have a good time and they cum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
why <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i> I do any work? I don’t
need to and I don’t want to.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He said he would take me to
the King David Hotel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ll treat you
like a princess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll do everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just lay there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t need to do anything.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“No. Journalists can’t do
anything sexual with their sources – that’s unethical.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Don’t quote me in your
article and I’m not a source.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Regardless, I’m not gonna do
anything with you, or with anyone, while I’m here,” I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m here for a school trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s all.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I didn’t want to tell him
that I only have sex for money because I was worried he may offer payment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want that temptation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, even though it was clear from our
first moment of conversation that he was not going to be one of my sources for
my story, I still considered him a source in the general sense of helping me
get acquainted with Arab life in Jerusalem. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He asked if I wanted to marry
Robert Hannibal, and I told him Robert Hannibal was already married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I told Mahmoud I wanted to keep seeing
Robert Hannibal even though I knew there was no future with him because this
was my first time to like a guy, to love a guy, and I wanted to experience
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d only known what it was like to
be a lesbian and I wanted to experience actually loving a man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I said I was still mostly a
lesbian because so far Robert Hannibal was the only guy I liked, but I liked
him more than any of the women I’d dated, even the ones I was currently dating
(as far as women, I’m really only seeing “Cinnamon” and “Desire” from my
job).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said I hoped I could love another
guy sometime in the future, and I didn’t want to live a lesbian life anymore
like I used to when I was younger. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He told me of his friend who
was a lesbian, and she didn’t want children (he seemed to think that all
lesbians wanted to be childless).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s
a good thing you’re not a lesbian anymore because children make everything worthwhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t have children, what are
you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What have you done in this life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve done nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children are everything and you could be the
richest and most powerful leader in the world but if you have no children, you
are nothing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I completely agree,” and I
tried to explain that even when I was living primarily a lesbian life and not
seeing any men, I still wanted children in my future, but he kept going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was saying how he felt sorry for his
lesbian friend and he was glad I was realizing how important it was to have
kids before it was too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Children
are your only legacy,” he said. “You are nothing without them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life has no meaning without them.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I loved seeing how passionate
Mahmoud became discussing children. I didn’t ask if he had any.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come to think of it, I didn’t even ask if he
was married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t even ask Abdul if
he was married, though I don’t think so, since he took a photo of me and him
together on his phone, and if he was married, his wife would likely see the
photo (the photo was simply me and Abdul standing next to each other, but
still, if he was married, I’m sure his wife wouldn’t like it, so I’m certain
he’s not married).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">We also discussed religion
and politics in his beautiful shop. Religion, politics, and sexuality are my
three favorite topics to discuss, but they can also be the most divisive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I love meeting people who can discuss
these subjects with me, and I really enjoyed talking with Mahmoud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He introduced me to one of
his business partners or co-workers, who asked if I was “a believer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said yes, and he smiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love the connection that believers
have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may have different ideas of God
and the purpose of this life, etc. but the fact that we believe in God provides
an immediate bond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">(I remembered how the night
before, when I met Abdul, I met another Muslim shopkeeper also on Salaheddin
Street who spoke very good English.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
talked about God and when I told him I was Mormon, he told me about the BYU
Jerusalem Center and he said he was impressed with how nice the students there
were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a great little conversation
– I love talking about religion and spirituality with people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I met Abdul, but I wish I would have
gotten the other shopkeeper’s contact information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me he sells pictures near the Garden
Tomb, but I didn’t have a chance to see him again before our class left
Israel.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I took pictures of Mahmoud’s beautiful
shop inside and outside – my horrible photography skills were helped by the
beautiful antiques and fabrics in the shop and the effect nightfall had on the
shop outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I met more of Mahmoud’s
co-workers and spoke a little with them, and despite the language barriers, everyone
was just so kind to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Mahmoud took me driving a
little bit to see the city and we passed by the King David Hotel a few times –
each time Mahmoud said, “Do you want to be a princess? You don’t have to do
anything at all.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each time I said
no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">What men don’t understand is
I get no pleasure out of having things done to me if I am not attracted to the
person doing them to me – man or woman (though women do have a better touch).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I’m not attracted, there’s absolutely nothing
that can be done to me to give me pleasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Therefore, it is a waste of my time - even if I am just laying there - unless
I am being paid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">But I didn’t want to keep
reminding him that I’m a lesbian except for Robert Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So each time he made the suggestion, I just
said “No.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s very nice and fun to talk
with, but also persistent. But I’m glad I met him. </span></div>
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Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-9895222394276203922012-12-27T16:25:00.001-08:002012-12-29T20:59:35.215-08:00Talking with Arabs in Jerusalem/ Book of Mormon analogy? – written March 21, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Our class just got back into
the city today, and I am exhausted. Israel
is beautiful, and we all wish we could have stayed longer. It was an amazing trip, with so much packed
into such a short timeframe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">We each have to write a major
feature story, and I’m writing about non-violent resistance. Not about whether it’s good, bad, needed, or
even helpful, but simply about how it’s being done and who’s doing it. [A
reporter] from the <i>Global Post</i> had
suggested to our class that someone write on that topic, so I decided to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I wanted a variety of perspectives,
and had already spoken with some Israeli Jews and some Palestinian Christians
and Muslims. Since we had free reporting
time in Jerusalem this past Friday evening and Saturday during the day, I
figured it would be a good time to interview Arabs, as most Jews would be
observing Shabbat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Friday night I walked along Salaheddin
Street in East Jerusalem, where there were many Arab shopkeepers. I met “Abdul,” who spoke a little English and
when I told him what I was writing about, he took me driving with a few of his
friends. They took me to Sheikh Jarrah,
where I had been last Friday for the protest, and showed me houses they
said were “Arab houses, taken by Jews.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">As a journalist, I have to
get each side’s perspective honestly and accurately, and of course, verify what
people say, and still do my own research.
But my story isn’t going to discuss who is right or wrong (or half-right
or half-wrong), but how is non-violent protest carried out, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">But more than trying to help me
with my story, my new Arab friends told me that they wanted me to have fun
here, my last Friday night in Jerusalem. They took me up to Mount Scopus to see
the view of the city at night. They
showed me the BYU Jerusalem Center, since I told them I was Mormon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Abdul and his friends kept
asking me if I wanted to drink, and I would tell them no. Since I’m Mormon, they asked if that’s why I
don’t drink, and they said they are Muslim, but they still drink! But I told
them I’ve never had any interest in drinking regardless of my religion. They never pressured me to drink, but they
said they didn’t want to be rude and drink in front of me, but I said it was
fine, as long as the guy driving didn’t drink too much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">They wanted me to get the
experience of Arabs in Israel, so they offered to show me around more
neighborhoods, and they took me to get falafel sandwich. They wanted to pay for
it and I thanked them but said that in journalism, I couldn’t accept free
meals. They said they would be offended
if I didn’t accept it. I again said I wanted to be ethical, but they said they would
be deeply offended, and so I accepted the falafel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">This reminded me of last
summer in 2010 when I was getting acquainted with my class reporting beat, and
met the Arab owners of a grocery store in a predominantly black and Jewish
neighborhood. The owners wanted to give
me bottled water and make me a sandwich from their deli, and at first I thanked
them but declined, then I finally accepted. I am aware of how hospitable are
those in Arab lands, but I didn’t want to be unethical as a journalist. Each
situation you have to just weigh. The
grocery store owners were such gracious hosts, as were my new Arab friends in
East Jerusalem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">After we ate, Abdul and his
friends took me to a hookah bar. I was
the only female in the entire place, but no one appeared bothered that I was
there. My friends sat and played cards
and smoked hookah, offering me some, though I declined. But I had fun just being around them. The owners of the hookah bar were very
respectful, allowing me to use their own restroom (there were living quarters
behind the customer area) instead of the customer restroom, since there was
only one public restroom and all the customers were men. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The next morning Abdul took
me to breakfast with one of his friends, and again I accepted breakfast after
first refusing it. This friend, “Ahmad,”
spoke very good English, so I was able to have more of a conversation with
him. My conversations Friday night were
limited with almost everyone I met, and indeed with Abdul, who was introducing
me to everyone, because their English wasn’t strong and my Arabic is non-existent,
unfortunately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Nearly all the Arabs I spoke
with were Israeli citizens, most of whom had Jordanian passports, but they told
me they identified as Palestinian. Ahmad
said flatly, “Palestinian in everything.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I have studied but still don’t
fully understand all of the dynamics, all the histories, of the
Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I know each side has its own narrative, and facts
on the ground can get emphasized or diminished, depending on the objective. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">However, in the simple part
of my mind, I think that Arabs and Jews should most definitely be friends. Not least because Abraham is their common
ancestor, through Ishmael for the Arabs and Isaac for the Jews. Though perhaps the close ties and diverging
paths engender more enmity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Whenever I think of Jews and
Arabs, I’m reminded of the people in <i>The
Book of Mormon</i> - the Nephites and the Lamanites. Brothers Nephi and Laman, sons of Lehi, an
Israelite. They all emigrated from Jerusalem
to “the promised land” – in the Americas.
Laman and his brother Lemuel resented Nephi, who was the good boy, and
tried to kill him. After their father
died, Laman and Lemuel drove Nephi and their other brother Sam and their
families out of “the land of their first inheritance.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Thus the “Nephites” and
“Lamanites” separated, and their descendants hated each other. Told from the
Nephite perspective (and it would be interesting to read the Lamanite side),
the <i>Book of Mormon</i> characters talk of
the Lamanites believing the traditions of their fathers - that the Nephites
hate the Lamanites, and so the Lamanites want to destroy the Nephites. After hundreds of years, the Lamanites killed
off all the Nephites (except Moroni, who wrote the final pages of the <i>Book of Mormon</i>). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I don’t suggest that <i>The Book of Mormon</i> is analogous to the
Israeli-Palestinian conflict – it’s not.
For one thing, Nephi and Laman shared the same mother, but there are
many more differences beyond that. And I’m not saying that one side represents
the Jews and the other the Palestinians, or Arabs in general. But the
similarity that always strikes me is that both sides, descendants of the same
father, thought the other hated them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Ahmad told me Saturday
morning that “if you invite a Jewish person for coffee here, he would not come
in.” Is that really true, or is that
what they’ve been taught to think? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">In another conversation with
Ahmad, he said that if Israel ended the occupation and there were two states, “Israel
would be more happy.” Now, I know it’s not as simple as that, as there are many
issues regarding borders, etc., and I want Israel to be secure, but if all of
that could be agreed upon, I think Ahmad is right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Just as it’s better for each
person to be on friendly terms with his neighbor, and each of us has to
compromise as we navigate this social world, the same goes for nations. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">It’s in everyone’s interest and in every nation’s interest for all
nations and people to be stable, secure, happy. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Both the Israeli people and the Palestinian people need to compromise,
and it’s in their own best interests to do so.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><br />
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Plus, in my own experience,
I’ve found that the more I get to know someone, the more I care for them. Yes, as we know people better we expose our
deficiencies in a greater manner and we better know others’ quirks. But this vulnerability also allows us to
humanize each other. To really want the
best for each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I think most people are basically
good, if flawed, people. Last week on
our trip a member of Hamas spoke to our class.
In his talk to us, he said he didn’t believe in killing innocent people,
but reiterated the need for Palestinians to defend themselves from their enemy
Israel. As one who remembers reading
with horror about suicide bombings during the Second Intifada, which truly
haunted and angers me, to this day, even, I knew as a journalist I still needed
to listen to all sides, </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">even though I will never condone anyone encouraging someone to be a suicide bomber and kill innocent civilians.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I had a very good, rational,
enjoyable conversation with him after his speech, and I got his contact
information so I could meet with him for lunch next time I’m in Israel. I recalled how, minutes earlier in his speech
to our class, he had tried to deflect a question from one of my classmates
about whether he thought the Holocaust happened or not, and finally admitted
that he thought it did happen, but he didn’t know if 600 people or 6 million people
were killed. Somehow it seemed that it
was preferable for him to ignore facts in order to keep his ideology strong. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Everyone on this trip has
been a joy for me to speak with. We met
rabbis, Palestinian priests and nuns, Muslim Sheikhs, a Qadi (Sharia law judge
– Israel has Sharia courts for Muslims) in Jerusalem, many everyday citizens in
Israel, Jewish and Arab, many people in the West Bank, and a Palestinian
Christian non-profit leader who is probably the most compassionate man I’ve
ever met in my entire life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I’m of many minds. But I am not naïve and I know some people
hate others simply because of their race or nationality or religion. I know some countries hate other
countries. And I know fault is not equal
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I don’t have any answers but
I can honestly say I generally like most people (some people annoy me, and some
people I like more than others!). But even
people I don’t like as much I don’t want bad things to happen to them. I really want the best for everyone. That includes me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">How does this end? I don’t know, but I know
how I don’t want it to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-44965283161315088312012-09-29T14:22:00.002-07:002015-05-09T18:41:29.574-07:00Kevin Stea Ruled the Gap Go-Go Commercial<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I will always remember seeing the Gap Khaki Go-Go commercial
in the late ‘90s. Usually when watching
dancers, I only notice the females. Not
just because I think women are beautiful and more visually appealing than men,
but I also think women are better and more interesting dancers. <o:p></o:p></div>
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When I saw the Gap Go-Go commercial, I loved it immediately
for two reasons. One, the music. It was the first time I’d ever heard James
Clarke’s “Blow Up a Go-Go (Wild Elephants)” and I was in love with that
music. I could not get enough. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBkG43VZzQO-buIjg_iBw8E0y08BWNSimNk13bYgJecKO7nAVs_xH849GebLNuUyrCS8Yp78yRoOYZeSEngJVnP4mM5Zv_WkJ-fR_l6EP0kMmK2ppsRNe0271w5lUh6Svxv8IBHYmvWjA/s1600/Kevin+Stea+Gap+Go-Go.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBkG43VZzQO-buIjg_iBw8E0y08BWNSimNk13bYgJecKO7nAVs_xH849GebLNuUyrCS8Yp78yRoOYZeSEngJVnP4mM5Zv_WkJ-fR_l6EP0kMmK2ppsRNe0271w5lUh6Svxv8IBHYmvWjA/s1600/Kevin+Stea+Gap+Go-Go.jpg" /></a></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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But even more, the man in the center was amazing. My eyes drew to him and did not see anyone
else. He was such a captivating dancer,
with such charisma. And the way he looked at the camera in the beginning was so
powerful that I could not look away from him.
When he briefly disappeared offscreen, I hoped he would reappear soon. I
was so surprised that a man could take over my attention that I, a lesbian, did
not even see any of the women. </div>
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I couldn’t understand how this dancer affected me so
much. I was not attracted to him (for
me, attraction means I want to kiss the person, etc.), and I didn’t want to
kiss him or anything. I wondered if he
was gay, though I hated to stereotype him as gay just because he was a
dancer. But my lack of sexual attraction
for him did not negate from the electricity I felt when he danced. I wanted to continue to watch him dance. And only him.<br />
<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/z4kfS4rQi3M?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Fourteen years later, and someone recently happened to mention
old commercials and music from the ‘90s. I thought of the Gap Go-Go
commercial. Finding it on youtube, I saw
that the man in the center still affected me in the same way. Through the wonders of the Internet, I was
able to find out his name, Kevin Stea. Since
I love giving compliments (though I cannot give false compliments), I sent him
the following email:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">hi kevin, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">i just feel i should tell you that
over a decade ago when the gap go-go commercial came out, i was transfixed by
your performance. normally i only notice women in dance groups, for i'm
lesbian. but when that commercial came out, you had such charisma, not to
mention the most captivating dance performance, that i only noticed you in the
whole group. i was often amazed throughout the years that there was a male
dancer that could draw me away from all the females, not in an attraction-based
way, but due to the power and charisma that this man had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">recently someone was talking about
the gap commercials from the 90's and i remembered the gap go-go commercial,
and looked it up on youtube. again, i was loving your performance and, again, i
only saw you! so i wanted to know you are! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">i even asked a question on yahoo
answers to find out and saw that someone had already asked this question in 2007:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 21.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Lead male dancer from Gap
"Khaki-a-Go-Go" commercial?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What is the name of the lead male
dancer in the "Khaki-a-Go-Go" Gap commercial from 1998? He's the guy
in the black t-shirt with dark, curly hair who is the star at the beginning of
the commercial and fades into the chorus of dancers. I think he was also in the
Gap vests commercial from around the same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #35ae00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Best Answer</span></b><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> - Chosen by Asker<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Kevin</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Stea</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">•<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">6 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">•<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #005189; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://answers.yahoo.com/answer/report;_ylt=AsGX_uZViluUtghrlxtcv6fQxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20070104213348AAPJE8z&kid=RsUnWTC1AjLzdX7mX3zJmGqmJ3F8O1lokX6Mm7ALsaWvOqFFnj3u&.crumb=.F95/AFHQmiT"><span style="color: #005189; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Report Abuse</span></a></span><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Asker's Rating:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Asker's Comment:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Thanks. I found some </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Kevin</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Stea</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> fansites and now I'm pretty sure he's the right guy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #55cb00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Other Answers</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Don't know, but he was HOT!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">•<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">6 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">•<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Then, when i went back to the youtube
clip, i saw in the comments section that others noticed you particularly as
well: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Agreed re: the man in the center.
Normally the women in any dance group hold my</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> attention but in this ad, the man in
the center has so much charisma and dance power that he is the only one I
notice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/look1492"><span style="color: #0938c4;">polly olga yobek</span></a> 1 day ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">i love the man in</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> the center<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/shogokawahara"><span style="color: #0938c4;">shogokawahara</span></a> 2 years
ago 3 <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">What is the name of</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> the dancer in the center at the beginning with the curly hair?
He's really good!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/bellier"><span style="color: #0938c4;">bellier</span></a> 3 years ago 2 <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_3"
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><img border="0" height="3" src="file://localhost/Users/klb2113/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0clip_image006.png" v:shapes="Picture_x0020_3" width="3" /><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">He really is, and</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> cute too! :P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ekomancer"><span style="color: #0938c4;">ekomancer</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/bellier"><span style="color: #0938c4;">bellier</span></a>
3 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Kevin Stae. He's toured with Madonna, walked runway</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> for CK, Tommy, Coultier, and was in
"Naked Boys Singing" if you want to see...ahem...More of him :-P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ruggeddusty"><span style="color: #0938c4;">ruggeddusty</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/bellier"><span style="color: #0938c4;">bellier</span></a>
3 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Oh god... this is already 10 years old?!?!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I'm feeling my age.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Gotta love the Fosse-esque choreography and wow</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> Kevin Stea?!?! sweet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Earthmage"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Earthmage</span></a> 4 years ago 5 <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_4"
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">who is</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> Kevin Stea? is he the
guy in the first part...looks Asian?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/maryquant1967"><span style="color: #0938c4;">maryquant1967</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Earthmage"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Earthmage</span></a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4kfS4rQi3M&feature=bf_prev&list=FLySitmVaZ0HdCwvyH3YW0fA"><span style="color: #0938c4;">(Show the comment)</span></a> 3 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Yep!</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> That's the one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Earthmage"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Earthmage</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/maryquant1967"><span style="color: #0938c4;">maryquant1967</span></a>
3 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">he's ssssssssssssmokin'</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/maryquant1967"><span style="color: #0938c4;">maryquant1967</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Earthmage"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Earthmage</span></a>
3 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">if youre talking about the guy in the middle its</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> kevin stea-he was in newsies! LOVE him. hes
in a show called naked boys singing right now.... :)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/FallKABOOM"><span style="color: #0938c4;">FallKABOOM</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Ratdog93"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Ratdog93</span></a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4kfS4rQi3M&feature=bf_prev&list=FLySitmVaZ0HdCwvyH3YW0fA"><span style="color: #0938c4;">(Show the comment)</span></a> 4 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Kevin Stea is asian.. the</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> cute boy in the middle isn't..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Ratdog93"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Ratdog93</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/FallKABOOM"><span style="color: #0938c4;">FallKABOOM</span></a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4kfS4rQi3M&feature=bf_prev&list=FLySitmVaZ0HdCwvyH3YW0fA"><span style="color: #0938c4;">(Show the comment)</span></a> 4 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">well the one in the middle is definitely kevin stea...it's</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> for sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/momoprincessxo"><span style="color: #0938c4;">momoprincessxo</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Ratdog93"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Ratdog93</span></a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4kfS4rQi3M&feature=bf_prev&list=FLySitmVaZ0HdCwvyH3YW0fA"><span style="color: #0938c4;">(Show the comment)</span></a> 4 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">does anyone know</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> the name of the cute
main male dancer??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Ratdog93"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Ratdog93</span></a> 4 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">if you're refering to the one with the big hair in the middle he
was one of madonna's dancers. he was in her Truth or Dare movie. he was also a
dancer in the movie Showgirls but had just a few lines in it. but i don't know
his name. he's a</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> great dancer though.
total flamer but hey....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/nobhiller"><span style="color: #0938c4;">nobhiller</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Ratdog93"><span style="color: #0938c4;">Ratdog93</span></a>
4 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I absolutely love Kevin Stea! He's such a</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> talented guy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/wannabesurfahgirl"><span style="color: #0938c4;">wannabesurfahgirl</span></a> 6 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Funny thing is</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> that Kevin is also in
the Austin Powers movie doing about the same dance moves during the opening
credits...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/choitoy57"><span style="color: #0938c4;">choitoy57</span></a> in reply to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/wannabesurfahgirl"><span style="color: #0938c4;">wannabesurfahgirl</span></a>
5 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I've always got my eyes locked on that male dancer in the
center. Man, he</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Noteworthy Light"; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noteworthy Light";"></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"> is cuuute!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/mikey42"><span style="color: #0938c4;">mikey42</span></a> 5 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">So I just wanted to share this with you to let you know that
your appearance in that Gap commercial stayed with me all these many years, and
obviously with others too! I think it's pretty amazing that one person in
one commercial can have such a lasting impact for so many people, so i just
want to let you know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Now I've read of some of the other work that you are doing and
i'm even more impressed with how extremely talented you are. i wish you
all the best in your future endeavors, and thank you for being the wonderful
dancer that you are!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://1.gvt0.com/vi/gVVn_83UEjk/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/gVVn_83UEjk&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/gVVn_83UEjk&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I
am still amazed that a male dancer had such an effect on me that I never forgot
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-24410626958119554922012-08-02T16:16:00.001-07:002015-05-09T18:41:09.001-07:00I Love Fred Willard!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fred Willard has
always been one of my favorites. I first
became a fan while watching the talk show parody “Fernwood 2 Night” (which
later changed its title to “America 2-Night”) on Nick at Nite with my
brother. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Martin Mull, who
played the host of the fictional late night talk show, was so funny, truly
great, but Fred Willard was, if possible, even better. Perfect.
He was mine and my brother’s favorite part of the already hysterical
show. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fred Willard has
shown his amazing comedic talents in everything he’s been in. He was my favorite part of “A Mighty Wind,”
and I loved that entire movie and every song.
I even faithfully watched a show that no one else saw, called “Maybe
It’s Me,” simply because Fred Willard played the dad. He was, of course, hilarious in the role. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Obviously, I’m
writing about Fred Willard at this time because he was recently arrested for
“engaging in a lewd act” at Tiki Theatre in California. Now, it is no surprise that people go to Tiki
Theatre to watch porn and masturbate.
That is known. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">So why would
cops waste their valuable time arresting someone who may have been masturbating
at a porn theater? Don’t they have
better things to do, real crimes to investigate? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yes, I know that
under California Penal Code 647, it is against the law to publicly engage in lewd
acts. Presumably such a law is in place to
protect the larger public from being subjected to such a lewd act. However, is a porn theater really considered
a public place where lewd acts would be offensive to those in such a venue? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anyone who is
offended by someone masturbating likely would not go to a theater that shows
porn. Whether Mr. Willard did or did not
“engage in a lewd act” at the theater (and given that no one else was arrested,
the only lewd act that comes to mind is masturbation), is not important. He was at a porn theater. Who cares if he was masturbating? Isn’t that what people do at porn theaters? Or should do, at any rate? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Police arresting
someone masturbating at a porn theater reminds me of my jobs in the sex
industry, where there’s frequently the nervous undercurrent of fear of an
undercover cop showing up and busting everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But that should
not be a fear. Voluntary sex work,
especially in the controlled indoor venues where I’ve worked, should be
legalized. No one in the public space is
affected, for the sex all happens indoors. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anyone paying to
attend a sex party knows that they are likely to see sex acts performed, and
most people expect to actually participate.
They may not realize that we girls are paid to have sex with the party
attendees, but it doesn’t matter. No one
is harmed by what goes on at these parties.
There is no reason for me and the other girls to have to worry that we could
be arrested merely for having sex for money.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Likewise, anyone
should lawfully be able to freely masturbate in a porn theater. The movies
shown in a porn theater would not be shown at your corner AMC theater. And the customers at a porn theater understand
that – they are paying for porn. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Somehow this
country’s laws need to evolve when it comes to matters of sex. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Regardless, Fred
Willard, the gifted comedian, will now likely always have this pointless and
stupid arrest tied to his name, even if he is later cleared. Truly, I’m ashamed that he was arrested for
something so ridiculous, something that should not even be a crime. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-5974579658817941522012-07-11T14:57:00.001-07:002012-07-11T15:28:50.052-07:00Two Hours with the Handsome Young Man at Onie’s on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 – written March 10, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
After Robert Hannibal left, I wanted the next two hours to
pass quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I went back into the
bar area, I saw the handsome young man standing against a wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I introduced myself to him, asking if it was
his first time here, and how he found out about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him I always ask people that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s part of my journalistic nature. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The handsome young man, “Hans,” told me he’d found this
place on Craigslist – most guys tell me that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, “PR,” the promoter, posts
regularly on CL about the wild sex party going on at “Onie’s” club, and that’s
how all these guys find out about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But Hans told me if he hadn’t seen me, he would have gone home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of guys tell me that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not that the other girls at Onie’s are unattractive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just that <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/07/other-women-working-at-onies-club-feb-2.html">I’m
considered the most attractive</a>, though in real life I’m definitely not
among the most attractive girls in New York.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No way!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyday I see really
stunning, beautiful, gorgeous girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everyday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hans is seriously probably the best-looking guy I have ever
seen in my entire life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, Hans is
not only very handsome in the traditional manly sense, with a legitimate
abdominal six-pack, pectoral muscles, handsome face, broad shoulders, etc. but
he is very smart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really enjoyed
talking with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I told him I was
a Journalism grad student at [my school], he told me he has friends in the law
school at [my school].<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had gone to
Brown for undergrad, and was planning on going to med school soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He could figure out that the others girls and I were getting
paid to work here, and he asked why I do it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him I like having extra money and it’s
not a big deal for me to have sex, as long as my rules are followed – no hand-jobs
or blow-jobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a lot of fun with Hans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had sex a total of four times, and after
the first time he said it was the most intense orgasm he’d had in a couple
weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said, “a couple weeks?” And he
said, “okay, maybe months.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know
if that was really true or if he thought I would like to hear it because of my
job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But truth be told, guys tell me that all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t know if it’s really true or
they’re just saying it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t
matter – I don’t get extra money if they have an intense orgasm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless, I still don’t do anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just lie there, either front or back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to do any more work than is
required of me in this job. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With Hans, however, since he was so good-looking, I let him
kiss me also and make out with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes I do let the better-looking guys kiss me – it just depends on
what kind of mood I’m in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, the only
guy I really like kissing is Robert Hannibal!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But Hans was really fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I admitted to him that I really only like girls but met the first guy
I’ve ever been attracted to at this job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I told him it was Robert Hannibal, and that he was the guy I was walking
out with when Hans entered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I told Hans I really want more experience with girls, and
asked if he knew any girls that would have a threesome with me and him, and he
said he did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said he would definitely
arrange some threesomes for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so
excited!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans being so good-looking, I
knew the girls would be beautiful!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He asked if he could get my contact information, but I said
it would be better to wait until I get off work at 11pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We girls could get in trouble if anyone saw
us giving out our contact information. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, after the first time we had sex, Hans and I had sex two
more times, with him carrying me to different areas of the room for sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time it was 10:30pm, and Onie’s
nephew, “Nephew,” who works at the club, told me Onie wanted to see me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
Nephew left, I said to Hans, “How do they think no one will figure out we’re
getting paid when they come up to us like that?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans just laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He walked out with me and I went into Onie’s
office alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Onie said it was a slow night and I could go home now if I
wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was worried I wouldn’t get as
much pay if I left even half an hour early, but Onie said I would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went out and told Hans I could leave early
but didn’t want to lose any pay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans
picked me up and carried me over to the swing where we had sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 11pm, it was time to go and I was still with Hans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had had sex four times between 9pm and
11pm, talking and kissing throughout.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
really is very smart and very good-looking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I was so excited to think of the girls he would get me for
threesomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I told Hans I had to shower and change, and then I would
give him my contact information, and it should only take me a few minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Onie wanted to talk to me and brought me
into his office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Onie said the other girls had complained that I spent the
whole night with only two guys and they had to do all the work for the rest of
the guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But you said yourself it was
a slow night,” I said, though, to be honest, since I’d been with Robert
Hannibal and Hans the whole time, I hadn’t noticed it was slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So it’s not like they had to do so much
extra.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Onie said I still could have had at least one or two other
guys and I said, “No.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that
when Robert Hannibal is here, I want to spend all my time with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Onie that Robert Hannibal takes me to
couples-only clubs and I really like him and only want to be with him when he’s
here, and that it’s not fair to ask me not to be with him when I like him so
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Onie said, “Okay, but after he left, you were only with one
guy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Onie that normally I do a
lot of work and guys are waiting in line for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He admitted that this was true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When I find a guy that’s good-looking and
smart and I want to spend my time with him, I deserve this because I am with so
many other guys all the other nights,” I told Onie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He agreed with me, but just asked me not to do this too
often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He paid me the same as he usually
pays me, perhaps knowing that I would have thrown a fit if I’d been paid less
than normal. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But by the time I’d left Onie’s office, I realized I’d been
in there nearly 20 minutes and Hans was gone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was so sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I had gotten
his contact information before I went into Onie’s office but I didn’t know I’d
be talking with Onie so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope Hans comes back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s so nice to be with a good-looking and smart guy, and I really
wanted to have the threesomes with him and the girls he knows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would be my best chance to have hot
threesomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus, he’s just a really great guy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But somehow I know he won’t be back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s so good-looking, girls will probably do
anything he says and he can organize his own orgies and threesomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t need me at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I really need him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know anyone I can have orgies or
threesomes with, other than going to swing parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I feel really sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m also really sad because yesterday in the airport before
our class left, I texted Robert Hannibal to ask if there was any way I could
see him on the 21<sup>st</sup> when we get back into the city, since he and his
family are leaving the very next day for their vacation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He texted back: “Have a great trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That night would be rough; have to pack and
have an early flight.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This means I won’t see Robert Hannibal for at least a month,
as I’ll be in Israel these ten days and then as soon as I get back, he’ll be in
the DR for two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss him
already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is funny because most girls would miss Hans and not
Robert Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans is the typical
good-looking guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s young, handsome,
has a perfect man’s body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Robert
Hannibal is a little older and, although handsome, not as traditionally
handsome as Hans, and Robert Hannibal has a little bit of a belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans has a six-pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sex with Hans is wild, and most girls would probably choose
sex with him over Robert Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel something with Robert
Hannibal that no other guy can get me to feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even someone as handsome as Hans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Robert Hannibal is who I prefer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me, it is not even a contest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I am being paid to have sex with men, then
naturally I am going to choose the best-looking and smartest guys at Onie’s,
and with Robert Hannibal gone, Hans clearly was the next best choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if I could choose who I really want to be
with, who I love, who I’m attracted to, the answer is easily Robert Hannibal. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss Hans for the possibilities of orgies and threesomes
with beautiful girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I miss Robert
Hannibal for him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Logically, I can tell Hans is better-looking than Robert
Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hans is who I should be
attracted to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m not attracted to
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m attracted to Robert Hannibal. I
love Robert Hannibal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-58246134271593970562012-07-10T16:47:00.001-07:002012-07-10T19:03:41.492-07:00Temporary Intimacy with Robert Hannibal - written March 10, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Tuesday, March 8<sup>th</sup>, I worked at “Onie’s” club
and was hoping Robert Hannibal would be there.
It would be my last chance to see him before my trip, as I was leaving
the next day with my class! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first 20 minutes I was on the large bed talking to “Mansion,”
who’s around 30 years old, and I think from some Eastern European country. He’s been going to Onie’s club pretty
regularly and he always tells me he’s going to take me to a fancy swing party
at some rich Russian guy’s mansion. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s still my goal while working at Onie’s, besides just
making extra money – to find a guy who will take me to a “One Leg Up” party and
any other nice fancy swing party. But
Mansion just kept talking without giving me details. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, in my worry that Robert Hannibal would not show and
my annoyance with Mansion for talking so much about the fancy swing party but
not giving me concrete information or formally inviting me, I got off the bed
and went to the bar area to get some water to drink. I talked to “Bartender” for awhile and tried
to practice my Japanese with her, but I am very rusty. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I returned to the main large room and sat on the large
bed. Mansion had moved over to one of
the smaller beds against the far wall, and “Tatoo” was on the small bed next to
the large bed I was sitting on. She and
I began talking about the guys and she made me laugh so much. I like her humor because she says exactly
what she thinks and says it in such a brash manner. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed, but thought
it was Mansion, so I didn’t acknowledge him, and kept talking and laughing with
Tattoo. Suddenly the person next to me
said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much here.” It was Robert Hannibal! I turned to him and hugged him tightly and
said, “I didn’t know it was you! I
thought it was [Mansion]! I’m so glad to
see you!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kept my arms around him and asked if he’d gotten my last
two emails, and he said no. He had
gotten a new phone and couldn’t update his other email to that phone in case
his wife saw it. Everytime I think perhaps his wife knows he’s still
swinging, I get a reminder that she doesn’t know. Even though I’ve really always known that Robert
Hannibal and I are in fact stepping out behind his wife’s back. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I told Robert Hannibal I was so happy to see him that night
because the next day I would leave for Israel with my class and wouldn’t be
back until the evening of March 21<sup>st</sup> . He told me he and his wife
and kids were leaving for two weeks on March 22<sup>nd</sup> to vacation in the
Dominican Republic. I asked if I could
see him on the 21<sup>st</sup> when I got back and before he left, but he said
he didn’t know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We sat on the bed and continued talking, and he brought up the
idea of having another threesome with me.
He said if I had liked the woman who gave us the sensual massage we
could go back there, but since I didn’t, we could find someone else. I was flattered that, in a threesome at
least, he considered me the other half of the couple! I know we’re not a real couple, but if this
is the only way he’ll consider us as a couple, I won’t complain!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suggested one of the twins, either “Cinnamon” or “Desire,”
since I love both of them, but he said he wanted someone different. He knows I
like Indian girls and brown-skinned girls, but he said he wanted someone
aggressive, like “Tatoo,” but not as aggressive as she is. He said she was too aggressive for him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I said we should find someone like Angelina Jolie, because
she’s so beautiful but she would definitely be aggressive in just the right way. He said we could put an ad out on Craigslist
for an “Angelina Jolie” type. I was so
excited to think of us as a couple, albeit a false CL couple!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But of course I didn’t actually want another threesome with
him because I like being alone with him. As alone as I can, given that we are
only together at Onie’s or at other swing clubs. But for him to think of us a couple, of any
sort, was still an honor for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then he asked if I wanted to play, and of course I said
yes. I was lying down on the bed and he
was above, and he would lean down to kiss me and I would rise up to meet
him. At one point he hesitated a little
and furrowed his brow. He didn’t kiss
me, but said, “the more time I spend with you, the more intimate I feel towards
you.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I rose up and said, “You know I would never want to ruin
your marriage, right?” and I kissed him and he met my kiss and said, ‘Yes.”
Then I laid back down but rose up again to say, “and you know <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/06/part-4-contract-remember-lots-wife.html">my
contract ends soon</a>.” And we kissed again and I said, “So it’s just
temporary intimacy. So it’s okay.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then we kissed some more and began making love. We had the large bed all to ourselves. When I’m making love to him at Onie’s, I
forget that there are other people in the room.
I feel like it’s just Robert Hannibal and me, alone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After he orgasmed, he lay down next to me, leaning on his
elbow and resting his head on his hand, and faced me, smiling, and said, “You,
you, you!” I really love him so
much. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We continued kissing and talking about his music. Robert Hannibal composes trip-hop music, and
I wasn’t familiar with that genre of music. He told me he would try to play
some for me on his new phone. We kept
talking and kissing but then he said he had to leave. I tried to hold onto him but he said he
needed to go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’d spent nearly two hours together from 7pm on and it was
almost 9pm at that point. As we left the
bed, holding hands, “J-Star,” one of the other girls who works at Onie’s and is
good friends with Onie, smiled and said, “There’s the couple” to me. She said that because with all the other
guys, I don’t have any emotion and I just want to be done as soon as
possible. Robert Hannibal is the only
guy who brings any emotion out of me, the only guy I want to spend time with,
the only guy where it appears that I am actually enjoying sex, because with
him, I am. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Robert Hannibal and I kept holding hands and kissing and as
we left the bar area and went into the lobby/changing area, we crossed paths
with a very handsome young man with thick black eyebrows. I noticed him even though I was with Robert
Hannibal because he’s probably the best-looking man I’ve ever seen. I knew all the other girls working at Onie’s
would want him. But I was sure I would
get him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we entered the lobby/changing area, I put my arms around
Robert Hannibal’s neck and he hugged me and held me and we kept kissing. Onie said, laughing, to Robert Hannibal, “You
can’t take her home!” Oh, if only he could.
If only there wasn’t a wife already at home. I would go home with him so gladly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Robert Hannibal got out his new phone and gave me his new
number, and I made sure his new phone had my number. I asked him to play me one of his songs
before he left and he tried to log onto a music website. I saw as he entered his user information that
his last name was “Tanner” – I mentally made note of this. I had never asked him his last name, although
he knew my full name from my email address. I wanted to give him his privacy
and also to reassure him that he could trust me. That I would never try to follow him or
notify his wife. But I was so happy to
know his last name. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He didn’t realize I had seen his last name. He was just trying to get onto the site, and
wasn’t able to. “It’s okay,” I
said. “Next time.” As much as I wanted to hear his music, I was
elated that I knew his last name. Such a
personal piece of information. I felt
closer to him, even if only deceptively.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We hugged and kissed some more and it was so hard to say
good-bye to him. I am so glad I got to
see him before leaving on my trip. I
don’t know what I would have done otherwise.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When he left, I looked at the clock. It was exactly 9pm. I had two more hours to go. But I was so glad I had spent the past two
hours with Robert Hannibal! If only
every night working at Onie’s could be like that!<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-44538517162437645342012-07-05T15:27:00.000-07:002016-07-18T17:46:53.503-07:00Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In examining my
love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism. How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert
Hannibal so much? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">In an earlier
entry, I declared that I </span><a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/06/part-6-not-lesbian-anymore1132011-i-am.html"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">wasn’t a lesbian</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> because I was in love with a man. But I don’t know if that’s really true. Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find
women very attractive. And I still don’t
find men attractive. Except for Robert
Hannibal. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">However, if I
had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t
consider myself a lesbian. I would
rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and
even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy,
when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But I didn’t
meet him then. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Now, at a very young
age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it
was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you. But also at a very young age, I had legitimate
crushes on teenage girls. They were so
beautiful to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In purely
aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to
women. The ideal female body, an
hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered
and angular, can’t really compare. Who
wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And even so,
most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit. I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of
the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but
it doesn’t mean I have to like it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But what really
attracts me in others is the face. I
love faces. Simply put: the average
female face is always better-looking than the average male face. In a heterosexual couple, the female is
nearly always better-looking than the male.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">(I say “nearly”
because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I'm not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can't think of men as manly if they're blonde. He has always been better-looking than his female
partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina
Jolie. Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to
be better-looking than him. She is the
perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this
planet).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Suffice it to
say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in
the first place, in body or face. But it
is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to
women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale. It is quite another to be on the negative
side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">This is because
men are disgusting. It’s not their
fault. The hormones and chemicals that form
the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good. Men give off disgusting odors all the time,
especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do
not. And men grunt, especially during
exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.
Quite unattractive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">On the whole, I
do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a
fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear
perfume myself). But cologne, on the
other hand, always smells horrible. I
have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh
air. Men just need to stay extra-clean
and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with
cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In terms of
sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting. I hate the names for it, I hate the way it
looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate
having it inside me. But I would rather
have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is
not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or
blow-jobs. Why would I want to touch
something so ugly, especially with my mouth?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">One of the
ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my
elementary school had brought to school.
It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose
lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ. It was so repulsive. I could not understand why women would do
that, except for money. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Yes, even in
elementary school I could understand prostitution. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I contrast this
experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary
school. Our babysitter’s dad had
“Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was
at their house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But it wasn’t
just naked women I loved looking at. Any
pictures of beautiful women. I loved
reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most
beautiful women on TV. Although I was
only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and
the metro newspaper faithfully. Partly I
loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections. And I really loved reading about actresses
and seeing their pictures. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Although my
appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a
man-hater at such a young age. I even
told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and
I chose the best-looking one for myself.
But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">As I grew older,
I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought
it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl,
could not. I really started resenting
guys. I almost hated them. And I hated that I had to pretend to have
crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are? Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Then gradually I
started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for
being so inferior to women in looks and complexity. When I worked my hostess dancing job my last
semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but
also heightened pity towards them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I began to think
that </span><a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2010/10/sexual-dreams-2007.html"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">if a man ever got me to orgasm</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">, and if I could have a real sexual dream
about a man (not like my </span><a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2010/10/celebrity-dreams-written-in-2002.html"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Marilyn Monroe threesome dream</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> I had as a young teen where the man
disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore. Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual
attraction towards men. But these
scenarios have not happened. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">As a Mormon who
overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to
tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I didn’t
think it would be too hard. Although I still
think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate
men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my
girl friends like. Most of all, conversation
is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and
being around them. That is pretty much
how I’ve felt ever since. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Until I met Robert
Hannibal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">When I first saw
him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive. I consider people attractive if I want to
kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before. But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt
attraction for him immediately and immensely.
And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because
it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized. I had finally had good sex with a man. I finally made love to a man. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">He hasn’t made
me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him. But I love him so much that I don’t need
those things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">So what is it
about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve
met? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">First, it’s his
looks. I always felt the first man I would be attracted to
would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or
some mixture of those. Some race that
wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head,
but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used
to actually be quite <a href="https://wordpress.com/post/pollyolga.wordpress.com/30" target="_blank">afraid of it</a>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Robert Hannibal
is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him. I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">His skin is beautiful
and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some
curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting
like most men’s. Also, he doesn’t have
hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I
haven’t touched it and won’t). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">His face is
really so handsome, and cute and endearing. His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind. He has a face I love looking at. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial
hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves
it. Ironically, although I don’t like
baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look
like he has a high forehead. Yet on him,
it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse
at the same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Robert Hannibal's smile is so
cute. His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile. It’s not a broad smile or a smile
that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him
with his cute underbite. Whether his
teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.
He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his
skin is so smooth, it’s flawless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I always thought
I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but
Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their
beauty. But because his eyes are part of
him, they are so beautiful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">He’s not really
tall, maybe 5’9" or 5'10", and again, I always thought the first man I liked would
be tall. His shoulders are rounded and
his upper arms are short, like mine. He
has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s,
where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks
like an Islander. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Everything about
him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him. I remember the second night I saw him at
Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having
sex with him. It hurt me too much to
look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet. They’re beautiful. When he orgasmed, I remember his feet
shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms. When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing
to have him inside me. I am so in love
with him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">We have undeniable
sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry. We can talk about anything. He is so intelligent. And he’s not pretentious at all. He went to [Ivy League school] and now works
in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it. He doesn’t treat anyone rudely. He always makes sure to tip “Bartender”
(though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and
she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Conversation
with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant. He uses graceful language, not in a
condescending manner, but just in a natural manner. He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his
beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And he’s such a
gentleman. The second night I met him (third
time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work
at Onie’s, he <span style="color: #222222;">made sure to walk on the outside,
closest to the street. He told me his
mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his
side. Most times when I’m walking with
him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again
his mother teaching him that. I love
that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her. I love that he’s a gentleman. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">When
we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s
always very respectful of others as well as of me. It’s such a contrast to other men I see on
the subway who are not gentlemen at all.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">This
afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I
had to hold on to the railing above my head.
I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied
men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could
sit. I looked down the subway car and
saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I
prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted
me to marry). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">[My
condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head
at him. He’s not a gentleman. Robert Hannibal is. Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Not
only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor
while at the same time being a strong, manly man. I don’t know how he can be both, but he
is. He is most definitely a MAN. But he’s so kind too. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character. But kindness must be integral to him as well. Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am). </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And
I love his humor. He’s not a clown but he
has a nice, easy-going humor. He’s so
intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly
with each other. We really have such
good conversations with each other. We
talk religion, politics, sexuality.
Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people
steer away from such charged subjects. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Yet
Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations. I always have such enjoyable conversations
with him. I love talking with him. His voice itself is just the right
timbre. Most men’s voices are
annoying. They speak either too high or
too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.
But not Robert Hannibal. His
voice is just the right tone, the right color.
I love listening to him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I
love hugging him. I love sitting on his
lap. I love kissing him. I love making love to him and having him make
love to me. I love being with him. And he’s a man. And I would rather be with him than with
anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">So
am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man? In my first grad school program, I tried to
write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other
women. It’s not about being lesbian,
it’s about wanting beauty. And women are
beautiful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";">I
wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized
to find men attractive, because men can provide for us. This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I
felt alone and different. But as I aged
and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to
wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the
socialization to find men attractive. That’s
when I wrote </span><a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2010/10/jack-jane-and-jill-nov-2008.html"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Jack, Jane and Jill.”</span></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Maybe
if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys
attractive? Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to
compare boys and girls? Women are the
fairer sex, so is it even right to compare?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Perhaps
I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my
current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">At
any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the
only. I guess the possibility was always
there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Part
of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to. That’s a lot of responsibility to give to
someone. Especially someone who’s
already married. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-33537629892097620592012-07-05T15:00:00.000-07:002012-07-05T15:00:38.714-07:00Wanting to see Robert Hannibal Before My Trip – written March 7, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p> </o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I am getting so
desperate. I haven’t seen Robert Hannibal since the time we went to the “bi
club” on Feb. 17<sup>th</sup>, and we haven’t communicated since then. I emailed him on March 2<sup>nd</sup> to ask
if he ever heard back from the tantra place, and he didn’t respond. Then I
emailed him earlier today to ask if there was any way I could see him before I
leave for Israel – he still hasn’t responded!
And I leave on Wednesday!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Tomorrow I’ll
work my regular Tuesday night shift at Onie’s club, and I hope Robert Hannibal
is there. I really don’t know what I
will do if I don’t see him before I leave for my trip. <span style="color: #222222;">If I don’t see
him before my trip I will be anxious the entire time! </span>I love him so much!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-68702002211422033232012-06-26T19:38:00.000-07:002012-07-10T19:05:07.887-07:00Robert Hannibal has changed my attitudes – written March 6, 2011 (email to my younger sister)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s getting close for me to leave on my class trip to
Israel and I am hoping to see Robert Hannibal at least one time before I
leave! I realize he has really changed
my attitude about sex, about love, about men.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to explain to my younger sister how my viewpoint has
changed, and I try to give her advice on her own struggles. Just like me, she doesn’t live a
conventional Mormon life, but also like me, she believes the LDS Church is
true. So we both struggle, just in
different ways. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is from the email I sent to my sister tonight (I
removed the parts that are personal for her and only included the section that
refers to Robert Hannibal, but of course, it’s a long section!):<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"><br />
<br />
with robert hannibal, i have realized something similar. i used to
only be able to picture marriage if it was an open marriage, meaning i could
date girls on the side and we could have orgies and threesomes. my
relationship with “dan” in the philippines was only that, and i was willing to
marry him if i had to because i'd be able to have a marriage in the only way i
could possibly picture it. plus, i thought his kids were gorgeous and so
smart and so adorable. but i could only picture a marriage with me having
girls and orgies and threesomes.<br />
<br />
but meeting robert hannibal has changed that. i feel so much
more fulfilled when we are alone together. i love sex with him alone more than
i like having another girl or other people alone. i realize that if i had
a choice, i would choose to only have sex with robert hannibal for
the rest of my life. i would give up women. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">he makes me forget about everyone except for
him. now i know this is possible and now i don't believe in an open
marriage anymore. i don't even believe in swinging anymore, though i used to
think it was essential for marriages, so that partners could have variety but
not be “cheating." but now i truly believe monogamy is the most fulfilling
marriage. because of robert hannibal. he is so amazing.<br />
<br />
i've never had an orgasm with him, but i enjoy sex so much with him. if
we were married to each other, there would be plenty of time for us to work on
that together, but as it is, i really don't feel i need it. i just love
being with him so much. this is such new thought for me. never
would i have thought this before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">i really really love him so much. even if we
don't go to all the swinging parties, which is what i originally wanted with
him, i even more just want to be alone with him. i get jealous of other
girls. that has never happened to me with a guy before! this is so
strange for me to be in love with a man, really and truly!<br />
<br />
but of course he's married with two kids and i want him to have a monogamous
relationship with his wife - once i'm done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">i realize that when couples are into swinging
and it makes them free, it might make them more free than a couple that is
married and doesn't swing but it doesn't make them more free than a couple that
is covenant in the temple - i realize that temple sealing and covenant between
the couple make the crucial difference. with that covenant, the marriage
is at a higher level. i realize that is what i want. if i can just
find someone that i can love as much as i love robert hannibal.<br />
<br />
so [sister], i am so old and it has taken me this long to come to the
realization, and i'm not even ready to fully make the commitment yet to prepare
to go to the temple because i still want to be with robert hannibal more
and i still want to go to more swinging parties, and i still want to make more
money having sex. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">even though i know the swinging parties and
the prostitution are not fulfilling, and that even sex with robert hannibal, as
wonderful as it is, is not the ultimate fulfillment because it is not sealed in
marriage and sealed in the temple, i want to do more of it just to really get
it out of my system. i want a few more months.<br />
<br />
so with you, make the goal of where you want to be. and try for it.
i hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize where you want to
be. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I talk about LDS Temple Marriage because I really believe
that will provide the most fulfilling marriage and the sex life I think will be
even more spiritual and rewarding than what I currently have with Robert
Hannibal. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-11428104729897851712012-06-26T17:06:00.000-07:002016-07-30T17:51:21.200-07:00Trying to Like Men in the Past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to "try to like" a guy. </o:p><br />
<br />
In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I'm a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I've ever been attracted to. My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was "trying to like," before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br />
</o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011: </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn't try to set me up with them.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn't attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you're not attracted? that's how it was with him. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i><br />
</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i><br />
</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn't believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it's so weird when i say that but that's what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><i>but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn't there - that he wasn't interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn't attracted to him, but i didn't expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 10pt;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it's hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial";"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008. This was right after I had been seeing "Dan," the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends. I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children. And I want to be a mother more than anything. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email. I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that. I've always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Besides, now that i know what it's like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can't just marry anyone. I want to love who I marry. </span></div>
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Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-41985458055829001672012-06-24T18:31:00.001-07:002016-07-30T17:39:14.686-07:00Mormon Lesbian Version of The Weed: Club Unicorn: June 2012<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html">The Weed: Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary</a><br />
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When I read the <a href="http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html">“Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed</a>, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling. I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed. After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex. </div>
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This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:</div>
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“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I've gone through, only a different gender. All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men. But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him. However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that's too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women. I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference. So thank you for sharing.”</div>
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Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage. </div>
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I find all these concerns misplaced. Let me address each one. </div>
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1) Is it real love? - Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love. They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex. A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love. </div>
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So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex? Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife. How is that not considered real, or true? </div>
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2) Mixed orientation marriages - Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc. Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa. </div>
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What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage. The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage. That commitment is more important than anything else. </div>
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3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife. </div>
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I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly. Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on. And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast. </div>
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In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women. Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on. And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together. </div>
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That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women. This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal. And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved. If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win. It is not even a contest. </div>
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Why is that? As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.” The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm. Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment. </div>
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4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself - How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself? Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself? </div>
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If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise? How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed? How do they know better than Josh Weed does? </div>
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What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man? Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife? And she him? </div>
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Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship. If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself? </div>
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To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore. Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits. Is this person being true to himself? </div>
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Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled. And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself. </div>
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Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-25047945784395088832012-06-21T19:49:00.002-07:002016-07-27T17:04:40.093-07:00Travolta Gay Rumors, Scotty Bowers Book Re: Secret Sex Lives of the Stars and Book Describing Marilyn's Lesbian Affairs<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Regarding accusations that John Travolta sexually harassed male masseurs - that is one thing. No one should take advantage of his/her power or influence and harass anyone else, sexually or otherwise. <br />
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But all the talk about these accusations proving that Travolta is gay reminds me of the recent book by Scotty Bowers, “Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars” (see <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/scotty-bowers-and-his-sexual-tell-all-of-old-hollywood.html?pagewanted=all">NY Times review here</a> and laweekly.com review <a href="http://blogs.laweekly.com/arts/2012/03/scotty_bowers_raymond_burr.php">here</a>). Some of the stars named in the book were predominately “straight” but had same-sex affairs. Bowers himself, who had flings with many of the male stars, married a woman. <br />
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Now, is it really so unusual for someone who identifies as “straight” to be attracted to the same sex? Years ago I briefly dated “Lisa,” who worked in the film industry. She told me that literally all the girls on set, basically straight girls, flirted with her and tried to get with her. <br />
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I asked Lisa why in the film industry there seems to be so much same-sex action, even among primarily straight people. I mentioned that I never heard of any same-sex flirtation at my job, or in other industries where my other friends worked. Lisa said that, for many people, the entertainment industry represents a fantasy where people can do what they want. They’re not limited to being gay or straight – they can be with whomever they want to be with. <br />
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Now, “Full Service” is certainly not the first book or article to say that many stars of yesteryear had same-sex affairs, nor will it be the last. For instance, my major celebrity crush as a teenager, Marilyn Monroe, had at least two lesbian encounters, one with her drama coach and one with Joan Crawford, according to the recently released <a href="http://www.jcrows.com/marilynbeyondthegrave.html">transcript of tapes she gave her psychologist</a> shortly before her death.<br />
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Though to be sure, many books are written expressly to cause controversy and thus gain sales. For instance, celebrity journalist Darwin Porter’s new book, “Marilyn at Rainbow’s End,” claims that <a href="http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-05-21/news-interviews/31800513_1_marilyn-monroe-mafia-bosses-elizabeth-taylor">Monroe had lesbian flings</a> with Marlene Dietrich, Barbara Stanwyck, the aforementioned Joan Crawford, and the simply luscious Elizabeth Taylor. “The Globe” tabloid writes regarding the rumors in this book: “But in her diary, Liz wrote about a sexual encounter with Marilyn after a June 1961 Frank Sinatra party. ‘Her touch was electric,’ Taylor said. ‘I wanted to see how far the b**** would go. But she had to do all the work.’” <br />
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Granted, a “celebrity journalist” and a tabloid are sparking these rumors. Who knows if the stories are really true? I have not read Porter’s book, and cannot verify any of the author’s claims. (But I hope the Elizabeth Taylor rumor is true, as she will always be the celebrity I am most in love with, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived!)<br />
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And regarding the Marilyn transcripts, who knows how accurate the transcription is? Though I have to say I don’t see any reason for the tapes to have been transcribed incorrectly. Regardless, I don’t find it outlandish at all that Monroe, who starred in <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2010/10/celebrity-dreams-written-in-2002.html" target="_blank">my first sexual dream</a>, could have had many lesbian encounters, and in fact I find it quite believable. <br />
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I have not read Bowers’ book either, but from the reviews and interviews with Bowers that I have read, I don’t think the book is a fraud or just a sales ploy. Bowers seems very candid, decent, and genuine in interviews. Besides, I think it perfectly reasonable that celebrities in the past had same-sex affairs. And if stars in the past had same-sex affairs, why not today’s stars? <br />
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Further, why would celebrities be any different from everyday, ordinary people? Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all sexual beings? Don’t straight girls talk about girl crushes and straight men talk about man crushes? What if a straight girl acted on her girl crush? Would that automatically make her a lesbian? <br />
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No. Somehow we need to get past the binary world of gay/straight. On <a href="http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html">Kinsey’s scale</a>, most people, although they may be closer to one end or the other, do not fall completely on one side. I am convinced that most people are some level of bisexual. Freud introduced the concept of innate bisexuality in all humans, and I agree with that. The potential is there for everyone, but individual experiences and behaviors can strengthen certain feelings and lessen other feelings. And not everyone is born with the same degree of bisexuality, let alone acts on such feelings. <br />
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To that end, sexuality is even more precisely described as a spectrum, as I first discovered in a post by Shashauna P. Thomas, to which <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/09/beyond-romance-exploring-dimensions-of.html">I eagerly responded</a>. Sexuality on a spectrum allows for greater fluidity. And as such, I don’t think John Travolta is completely gay or completely straight. He probably enjoys sex with men but I think he really loves his wife as well. His sexuality, like everyone’s, falls on a spectrum. In fact, I think very few people are completely homosexual. (Though I used to think I was. Until I met <a href="http://pollyolga.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-am-in-love-with-man-for-first-time-in.html">Robert Hannibal</a>.)<br />
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For me, the larger issues with Travolta concern sexual harassment and adultery. If he did sexually harass others, that is wrong. If the Travolta-Preston marriage is a monogamous one, and these accusations of affairs are true, then he did cheat, and that is wrong. <br />
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But if he and his wife are in an open marriage and have a polyamorous relationship and understanding, then he did not cheat. Yet, notwithstanding the openness of the marriage, any harassment is wrong. <br />
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Regardless, I am tired of people assuming that because someone has had same-sex affairs it must mean the person is gay. No, it just means the person is a human, a sexual being. Aren’t we all?</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-21612303090383712602012-02-24T14:30:00.002-08:002016-06-29T16:10:29.365-07:00Re: DSK Didn’t Know Women at Orgies Were Prostitutes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Dominick-Strauss-Kahn’s claim that he didn’t know that the women at the orgies he attended were prostitutes speaks to the larger issue of some powerful men’s delusions. Does DSK really think that any woman would choose to have sex with an old, pot-bellied man like him? The women were most definitely paid! <br />
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As someone who has worked in the sex industry while in college and then this past year while in graduate school, I’ve seen men’s egos and delusions up close. Although both my jobs involved some sort of sexual encounter with men in exchange for money, only the men at my hostess dancing job knew this outright, for they directly paid us. We even called the men our “customers.” They knew we were there for money. <br />
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Working at Onie’s parties is a different story. A wide variety of men – all different ages, races, nationalities, and income-class levels – pay to attend Onie’s wild sex party. And what all these men have in common is that they all want sex in a swinger or orgy setting. And we provide it for them. Of course, we are paid to do so.<br />
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Now, most of the men think the other women and I are all hard-core swingers and just love sex with men and love attending these orgy parties regularly. They think we just can’t get enough sex.<br />
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But many of the men figure out that we women are getting paid. With me, because it is obvious I am not into sex with any of them (now, of course Robert Hannibal, the only man I’ve ever loved, is the exception – I love being with him!), some men will question me. <br />
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And since I refuse to go down on a guy or even touch him, many of the men, after recovering from their astonishment that I won’t give blow-jobs or hand-jobs, have asked me if I’m paid. I usually answer evasively, but I don’t change my behavior. I am getting paid to be there and have sex, but I am not getting paid to pretend I enjoy it. I never fake anything. <br />
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With the other women, although many of them do enjoy sex with these men, their eagerness tips off some of the guys. In what real-life swing party does a middle-aged women walk up to each man and ask, “Want a blow-job?” I’ve never seen that at any real couples-only swing party. <br />
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Although most of the men who attend Onie’s parties think we just like having lots of sex in general, there are a few who are narcissistic and think that women really want to be with them in particular. That they’re really pleasing us and that we’re really fortunate to be with them. These men remind me of DSK, and DSK reminds me of these men. <br />
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A man like DSK deludes himself into thinking that women actually find him desirable. I am sure when he encountered the maid in the hotel room he thought he was irresistible to her. He may even have thought how lucky she was that she got to service him. <br />
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I do wonder what the hotel maid was thinking. Did she really feel forced to go down on him? Or was she planning to trap him? I may have had sex with over 1,000 different men, but it’s mostly been for money. I can’t imagine anything other than dollars going through her mind. I, however, have never tried to use a man for a lawsuit or take advantage of him. In my job situations, I am there for a job. <br />
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I’ve always thought that if men didn’t have power, what on earth could be attractive about them? I don’t know if men like Dominick Strauss-Kahn and the equally (or moreso?) seriously deluded Silvio Berlusconi, with his stupid bunga bunga parties, think that they are attractive to women regardless. Do they really think that women would want to have sex with such old, ugly men? Or do they know that without their power, they hold no attraction? <br />
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I hope the latter. But I think their many sexual conquests have made them blind to how unattractive they truly are.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-23522526331724724332012-01-24T18:17:00.000-08:002015-05-09T18:38:15.783-07:00My Response to "In Defense of Cynthia Nixon"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-baim/cynthia-nixon-choice_b_1224241.html"></a><br />
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-baim/cynthia-nixon-choice_b_1224241.html<br />
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i agree with this. cynthia nixon has a right to express her own feelings. i went through the opposite situation - i only was attracted to women, but then i fell in love with a man.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-8846347706611718422012-01-03T14:46:00.000-08:002016-07-27T16:47:29.034-07:00Still Working at Onie’s Club – written March 5, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Everytime I work at “Onie’s” club I am amazed that this is where I met Robert Hannibal. Who would have thought that my NSA swinger job would lead me to the first man I have ever been attracted to! Especially when I look at all the other men who go to Onie’s – some of the other women who work here with me will point out certain guys that they think are cute or that they want to have sex with and I still don’t understand it. How can anyone like any guy unless the guy is Robert Hannibal? <br />
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Not that the guys who go to Onie’s are so bad. It’s just that Robert Hannibal is so amazing. I wish he would go to Onie’s more often, but he has such a busy life with work and his family, that he can’t make it very often. <br />
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But I am so glad to have the extra money I make at Onie’s club, and the work is so easy. And I have met many interesting guys here. My goal this whole time has been to find one who will take me to a One Leg Up party – and it looks like I will finally get to go! <br />
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“New,” the Indian who lives in New Jersey who wanted me to be his girlfriend and who met me here at Onie’s, early on lost his status as a contender for One Leg Up. About a month ago, he told me he was not really comfortable with group sex, or even with threesomes, so I didn’t bother to tell him about One Leg Up. <br />
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But he told me he wants to take me to India in May! I love India and have been fascinated with that country for as long as I can remember. But I don’t feel like New and I have much in common as far as dating goes. Or even conversation! He’s very smart and works in Wall Street, and he speaks English well and he’s tall and nice-looking, I guess, but I get so bored with him. But if I’m in India, who cares if “New” bores me? I will be in India!<br />
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However, I was awarded a fellowship that will take me abroad the end of May and beginning of June, and with school getting out mid-May, going to India will be hard for me to pull off in May. But I still keep seeing New because perhaps we can go to India in June or something, or I can fit the trip in between school and the fellowship. We don’t talk about details – he just says he wants to take me to India with him in May and I say, “I’ve always loved India!”<br />
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I let New take me out to dinner and to movies and I let him sleep with me. I usually spend the night at his place in New Jersey on the weekends, and since he has such a big bed it is much more comfortable than my little tiny excuse for a bed. Last night, for instance, we saw a movie and I spent the night, and then today he took me to Edison, New Jersey for lunch. He told me he was trying to give me a break from all my studying. <br />
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But he doesn’t understand that I love my school! I love being at school. I don’t need a break from it, and definitely not a break with him. We seriously do not have anything to talk about. <br />
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And the whole time we were driving to Edison I asked him how far it was, and he said it wasn’t too far, but I didn’t get back to campus until 4pm! I was so annoyed. I had so much I needed to read and wanted to get it done and still make it to [a church friend]’s birthday party tonight. <br />
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But I just kept thinking of a trip to India. New knows he is not the only guy I see. I have told New that I am in love with a married guy who I am still seeing. And I still work at Onie’s club, which means I have sex with lots of men. But I am also still interested in going to India! So as long as New continues to be okay with me still seeing Robert Hannibal and working at Onie’s, I’ve got a free trip to India in May!<br />
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New hasn’t gone back to Onie’s club, but recently there was a couple there, and so I got involved with both the guy and the girl of the couple. Having a couple with a cute girl always makes the job more endurable. But couples don’t go to Onie’s very often, and they rarely come back if they do. <br />
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Also, I met a guy, “Finance News Guy,” this past Tuesday, March 1, who used to work for [News Organization] and now works in finance. Onie specifically introduced me to Finance News Guy, who spent as much time with me as he could, even after he had sex with me, though other guys were with me as well. <br />
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Finance News Guy said he would be willing to help me with my career when I graduate. I didn’t exchange contact info with him, but since Onie knows him, I’m sure he’ll be back. Finance News Guy is most certainly married with kids, and looks like a sweet nice man, in his 40’s with light brown hair, who no one would ever suspect of going to a swinger’s club. <br />
<br />
I have found that many of the men I have met at Onie’s fit this description, of an atypical attendee at a swinger’s club. Most notably Robert Hannibal! <br />
<br />
This same night I met an ex-Mormon, “Ex-Mormon,” and he was really fun to talk to. I even invited him to the LDS Institute class I go to on Wednesday nights, and he actually showed up. He was surprised that I do this work and that I still love the LDS church and consider myself a Mormon – he thought it was such a contradiction. <br />
<br />
But I explained to him that I believe everything in our church. It makes so much sense to me. I am sure there is some reason why the law of chastity should be obeyed, and why prostitution is wrong, but I don’t understand why. I told him about my “contract deadline,” how I’m going to give up all this sex work and swinging and premarital sex in general, but that right now I just want to be a part of it. <br />
<br />
I also told him that I really only liked women before, but now I’m in love with a man, Robert Hannibal. I said I wanted to eventually have the Mormon temple marriage. But not yet. <br />
<br />
When Ex-Mormon showed up at Institute, I introduced him to my friends, and everyone was really friendly to him. Mormons are very friendly people. I didn’t mention that Ex-Mormon used to be Mormon – I didn’t want anyone questioning him. He still hadn’t told me all his reasons for leaving the church. <br />
<br />
Ex-Mormon had to leave Institute early, but he wanted to know why I do this NSA sex work. I had previously told him at Onie’s that this type of work is not a big deal to me and doesn’t mean much to me – it’s a great way to earn easy money, but we didn’t have time to talk more than that. And then last night after Institute he had to leave. But we have each other’s contact info so I hope we stay in touch. <br />
<br />
Tuesday night was such a great night for meeting so many interesting guys, and most importantly, I was so happy because I met a guy, “Ole,” who has gone to One Leg Up parties before! Ole used to go with his ex-girlfriend, and when they broke up, he tried to enroll for membership but was declined – single men are not allowed to One Leg Up parties. He asked if I wanted to go to the parties with him and of course I said yes! We will have to write an essay and submit pictures but finally, I will be able to attend a One Leg Up party! <br />
<br />
Ever since Robert Hannibal first told me about the One Leg Up parties, I was so excited about them. I imagined all these beautiful, elegant women in a fancy house or hotel penthouse with nice food. <br />
<br />
Of course, when he first told me about the parties, I thought he and I would be able to go together. That was before I asked him if he was married, and ever since he told me he was married and that he wouldn’t be able to take me to a OLU party, since they are on the weekends, I have been determined to find someone at Onie’s who could take me. Now, with meeting Ole, this goal is finally nearing reality!</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-16677450368709854372012-01-02T19:19:00.000-08:002016-08-09T16:48:32.725-07:00Working at Classy Swing Party for Single Men – Feb. 26, 2011 – written March 5, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last Saturday, on February 26, I worked as a hostess at “Don” and “India’s” party for single men called [“Single Men Swing Party”]. Don and India told me that all the guys who attend their party go through a screening process – they have to submit pictures and write an essay and they also have to submit a picture of their sexual organ. They told me that India chooses the guys with large sexual organs. <br />
<br />
As much as I love Robert Hannibal, I would never want to see a picture of his sexual organ, and I still have not touched it. I will never understand why anyone would want to look at the male sex organ, let alone touch it. <br />
<br />
But Don and India were trying to tell me that although my job tonight would be to sleep with one or two guys and talk with them and make them feel comfortable, these guys were quality guys, not like the guys at my regular part-time job at “Onie’s” club, where any guy can get in the door (though I met Robert Hannibal at Onie's, in addition to many other quality men - there is just a more egalitarian mix at Onie's and no screening process for attendees). <br />
<br />
Don and India don’t quite understand that I really do not like men and do not find men attractive, whether they are “quality” or not. Other than Robert Hannibal, of course. <br />
<br />
Earlier that day, I had attended a baptism for a guy who was joining our church. I don’t know him very well, but he seems very nice. After the baptism, I talked with one of my good church friends, “Jenna,” and told her about Robert Hannibal. Jenna knows I’m not worthy to go to the temple or take the Sacrament, and she is someone I trust. She is very open-minded, and not judgmental at all, even moreso than Jane, who had me sign the contract. Jane, actually, can be a little judging, but Jenna has never judged anyone. <br />
<br />
Jenna doesn’t know my sexual preference is actually for women (or was, until I met Robert Hannibal), but if I ever wanted to tell one of my female church friends about my same-sex attraction, since none of my female church friends here in New York know, Jenna is the one I would trust. She has a lot of gay male Mormon friends, and she does not judge them at all. Jenna is a truly decent good person. <br />
<br />
I told Jenna I was so in love with Robert Hannibal, and that I even have a contract ending soon, which means I need to focus my life on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I told her I may want to extend the contract since I’m so in love with Robert Hannibal and want to maximize my time with him. I told her he takes me to swing clubs, and I told her that I would actually be working at a swing party later that night. She did not judge me at all. <br />
<br />
When I arrived at the [Single Men Swing Party], “Tattoo” was there also, and so was “Bartender” – so interesting to see the three of us from Onie’s club here at this nice hotel suite – such a different environment from Onie’s venue. <br />
<br />
I brought my friend “Persia” with me, because when I told her about working at the classy couples party that Don and India run, she was really intrigued and said she wanted to see it. I had told her before we arrived that she was not getting paid to interact with the guys like I was, so she should not feel obligated to do anything at all. We didn’t know if Don and India would need a coat check girl or not, so we figured Persia could do coat check, but they said they didn’t need coat check, so I told Persia she could just watch. <br />
<br />
At the beginning, before the guys arrived, India had all of us women go around the room and say something nice about the person on our right – part of woman affirmation, I guess. Tattoo and I were the only women getting paid to be there to interact with the guys, but I secretly hoped I could slack off and Tattoo and the other women could do most of the work. <br />
<br />
When the guys got there, I immediately started chatting them up. I was of two minds – if I could keep talking to the guys all night, I could put off having sex with any of them until the very end. However, if I had sex right away, then I could get it over with. The problem with that is that men usually want it again and want to keep touching you afterwards, and I don’t want to go above and beyond this kind of work. I will let them have sex with me and touch beforehand if that helps to get them hard, but afterwards, I am done and I don’t want to be a part of them at all. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, one of the guys there seemed a little nervous but was very nice and intelligent. He was black, relatively tall, a professor at [University], and very smart. We sat on the couch and spent hours literally talking about philosophy. I let Tattoo take care of the other guys, and I sat with this guy and talked. Since for Don and India’s parties I am paid to help the guys feel comfortable, as it is the first time for a lot of them, my talking to this guy was perfectly legit. <br />
<br />
His name was “Carl,” and he was very knowledgeable about many subjects, especially philosophy. I told him I’d taken a course on Derrida but did not learn anything about Derrida. I couldn’t understand what Derrida wrote, but I understood his tone, and his tone was very condescending. <br />
<br />
I told Carl that Derrida could dish criticism out but couldn’t take it from others. He agreed but also helped explain Derrida in a way my own professor never had. We also talked about Lacan and Deleuze. We exchanged contact information and I wished I could spend the whole night just talking and not have to have sex with him. We were the only ones left in the front room, as everyone else had gone into the bedrooms. <br />
<br />
But this was a swing party for single men, for men who did not know Tattoo and I were paid to be there, and so eventually Carl asked if I wanted to go into the one of the bedrooms. I had to say yes, of course. <br />
<br />
One of the guys, who told us he was married, was very attracted to my friend Persia. He was kissing her, and I asked her if she was okay. She said she was, but I was concerned. <br />
<br />
But I didn’t have much time to be concerned because one of the other men who was there immediately started grabbing and touching me and put me on the bed. While he was having sex with me, Carl and others were watching. <br />
<br />
Persia poked her head in the room and told me she was going to leave. I was underneath the guy so I couldn’t get up, but I told her to text me later. I really hoped she was okay. <br />
<br />
This guy told me he would get me to orgasm, and I told him no guy has ever gotten me to orgasm, that only women have. So he tried everything and couldn’t, of course. Then Carl had sex with me and then the party was over and all the guys finally left. I told Carl I would email him. <br />
<br />
Once Bartender and the coat check girl were gone as well, Don and India sat down and talked with Tattoo and me. They thanked us both for working for them tonight. They said my biggest strength is my conversational ability – that I can talk with anyone about anything, and that is so important for these [Single Men Swing Parties]. These guys need to be able to feel comfortable. <br />
<br />
They also told Tattoo and me that we could make more money than we make at Onie’s by doing less work. They said guys will pay to watch girls make out with each other and go down on each other, and since Tattoo and I have already done that with each other quite a few times, we might as well make money off it. <br />
<br />
They said another way to make money was to be paid to be the female part of a couple so that a guy can get in to couples-only swing parties and clubs. I thought of how I already have a situation like that, where I’m Robert Hannibal’s female, but since I really like Robert Hannibal, love him, even, I don’t need to get paid by him. Having sex with him is actually payment for me! <br />
<br />
Don and India closed with telling us how beautiful and smart we are, and when Don walked me to the subway station, he told me how just looking at me he gets turned on. He hasn’t done anything sexual with either me or Tattoo, probably because he’s paying us and he thinks it would be in bad taste, though we’ve both done stuff with his wife, India. <br />
<br />
As I was on the subway, I thought about Don and India's marriage. They have a good marriage, but I thought that if the universe was different and I was somehow married to Robert Hannibal, would I want a swinger’s marriage? <br />
<br />
It is so strange that I used to think I could only have an open marriage or a swinger’s marriage, mainly to give me the opportunity to have women, but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, my mind has changed. If, in an alternate universe, I was married to Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t want an open marriage. I would just want him.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-61644698403216444732011-10-01T17:17:00.000-07:002016-07-27T16:30:05.550-07:00My Response to Charles Lane’s Washington Post article on Troy Davis<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/post/troy-davis-guilty-as-charged/2011/03/04/gIQAh23BoK_blog.html?wpisrc=nl_opinions<br />
<br />
After Troy Davis was executed, I was touched at the photos of protesters crying over his death. Yes, we should cry that the death penalty was used in this case. We should cry that our country has used capital punishment so often. <br />
<br />
We should cry that Troy Davis is dead. We should mourn for life lost. Most importantly, we should cry for Mark MacPhail, the off-duty police officer who was murdered. <br />
<br />
But don’t conflate tears over Troy Davis’ death with crying over a man who was innocent of the crime for which he was convicted. <br />
<br />
Save those tears for Cameron Todd Willingham, who was convicted and executed for murdering his children by arson. Before Willingham’s execution, evidence pointed to the fire being accidental, not deliberate. We should cry that then-Texas Governor Rick Perry, when presented with a request to stay the execution in order to review new findings proving innocence, refused the stay and allowed Willingham to die. Cry that Willingham was executed as an innocent man. <br />
<br />
In reading Lane’s article (linked above) and others written about the Troy Davis case, I believe Davis was guilty of murder. But he should not have been given the death penalty. <br />
<br />
Lane’s article likewise agrees that the death penalty never should have been sought in the Davis case. In fact, I am eager to read Lane’s book “Stay of Execution: Saving the Death Penalty from Itself” – I am still not sure if I think that capital punishment should ever be used, but if it is, it should only be in the “worst of the worst,” as Lane argues (see link to book review here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/22/AR2010102203014.html). <br />
<br />
Compare the murder for which Troy Davis was convicted with the horrific triple-murder Steven Hayes was convicted of – and yet both men are sentenced with the death penalty? There is no comparison.<br />
<br />
Not that there is good murder or bad murder – every life is precious (even that of a murderer) and every murder is wrong. But when torture is involved – and death by fire is certainly torture – the crime of murder is aggravated. (I was relieved to read that the poor Petit girls died of smoke inhalation and not of the fire itself, as I had originally thought, but the terror those girls went through is unspeakable and the murderers’ evil intent was to burn the girls to death). <br />
<br />
I would like us to get away from the idea of using the death penalty as punishment. The death penalty should only be used to protect society, and to protect other prisoners. This is why I don't agree with using mental illness as a defense - to me, someone who is not aware of right or wrong is more dangerous than someone who knows what they're doing is wrong.<br />
<br />
In deciding the death penalty, judges should ask if the person will be a danger to others, his fellow inmates, the prison guards. Someone who can kill someone by fire or any other way of torturing someone to death, is capable of the ultimate cruelty and is truly a danger to everyone. <br />
<br />
Now, I think Davis was basically a good person who got into trouble and made mistakes, the most grievous being that of killing MacPhail, but Davis was not a monster. He was 20 at the time of the murder, and subsequently spent the latter half of his life in prison (I don’t even have time here to go into how badly our prison system needs to be reformed). I am sure he was not the same man when he was executed that he was the night of the murder – who of us remains his 20-year-old self? Impossible. <br />
<br />
Perhaps that is why he claimed innocence – do we not often feel a separation from our younger selves? Often when I think of things I did as a teenager and young adult, I don’t recognize the person who did those things. That person is frequently a stranger to me. <br />
<br />
Troy Davis never should have been sentenced to death. Troy Davis should still be alive. But so should Marc MacPhail.<br />
<br />
So let’s continue to cry. Cry that we kill each other in legal punishment in order to deter more of us from killing each other. Cry that our fellow human beings murder each other in the first place. Cry and protest over every murder. Be outraged every single time someone is murdered. <br />
<br />
Our tears should be relentless. Our tears should never stop.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-27780032383601877312011-09-04T12:02:00.000-07:002012-07-10T19:07:41.747-07:00My Response to: Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (Shashauna P. Thomas)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://lisabetsarai.blogspot.com/2011/08/exploring-dimensions-of-human-sexuality.html?showComment=1315162602734#c4733664894987580579">Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality</a><br />
<br />
I love this post by Shashauna P. Thomas! I definitely agree with the human sexuality spectrum. Although most of my life I have been one of the few people in the far-flung homosexuality end of the spectrum, I have fallen in love with a man so hard, and when I'm with him, I have no desire for women at all. <br />
<br />
The polyamorous and monogamous spectrum I also think is very fluid. I used to only be able to imagine marriage in polygamous or polyamorous forms. Now I think it can be most fulfilling in a monogamous form, but there are times I think occasional polyamory might need to creep in as well. <br />
<br />
Sexuality and positions, whether dominant or submissive, as well as relationship ideals, whether polyamorous or monogamous, are definitely fluid. So much depends on where we are in life, who we are loving. <br />
<br />
However, I worry that this very common-sense approach of human sexuality as fluid will be repressed by those who want to press for LGBT rights. Having been in the LGBT camp, I know it is important to stress the "born that way" idea. <br />
<br />
Yet i think the "born that way" idea still applies, but to a much lesser degree. Human sexuality is indeed a spectrum, but some of us start on the spectrum, as pointed out in this excellent post, near the ends, not clustered in the middle with the majority. Our spectrum may not be as wide or fluid as often, but we definitely have fluidity, we definitely have a spectrum. I have experienced it firsthand myself. <br />
<br />
Thanks again to Shashauna P. Thomas for sharing!</div>Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-49450164037219750142011-08-11T19:06:00.000-07:002016-07-27T14:56:31.459-07:00Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.
<br />
<br />
The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”
<br />
<br />
I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.
<br />
<br />
Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.
<br />
<br />
As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.
<br />
<br />
Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.
<br />
<br />
But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.
<br />
<br />
They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.
<br />
<br />
Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.
<br />
<br />
I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women
<br />
<br />
Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.
<br />
<br />
I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.
<br />
<br />
Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.
<br />
<br />
I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.
<br />
<br />
Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:
<br />
<br />
“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”
<br />
<br />
I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.
<br />
<br />
I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.
<br />
<br />
I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.
<br />
<br />
I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.
<br />
<br />
(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.
<br />
<br />
The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )
<br />
<br />
At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.
<br />
<br />
After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.
<br />
<br />
Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.
<br />
<br />
Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.
<br />
<br />
Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.
<br />
<br />
I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.
<br />
<br />
Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.
<br />
<br />
I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.
<br />
<br />
Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.
<br />
<br />
Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.
<br />
<br />
I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.
<br />
<br /></div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-18345220415150324072011-08-05T14:51:00.000-07:002016-07-27T13:38:55.729-07:006th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs. <br />
<br />
But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me. <br />
<br />
Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife. <br />
<br />
I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner. <br />
<br />
But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard. <br />
<br />
I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!<br />
<br />
I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club. <br />
<br />
He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club. <br />
<br />
Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all. <br />
<br />
I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”<br />
<br />
Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself. <br />
<br />
My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him. <br />
<br />
But I couldn’t tell him that. <br />
<br />
I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded. <br />
<br />
On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again. <br />
<br />
I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage. <br />
<br />
But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email. <br />
<br />
On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.<br />
<br />
Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can. <br />
<br />
I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.<br />
<br />
About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did. <br />
<br />
We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him. <br />
<br />
Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father! <br />
<br />
I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue. <br />
<br />
When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me. <br />
<br />
We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl. <br />
<br />
Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal. <br />
<br />
He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man. <br />
<br />
Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend. <br />
<br />
The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around. <br />
<br />
I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me. <br />
<br />
Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me. <br />
<br />
Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.<br />
<br />
Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there. <br />
<br />
I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.<br />
<br />
I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.<br />
<br />
But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.<br />
<br />
I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-82603017101867740152011-08-03T14:48:00.000-07:002016-08-26T18:01:37.995-07:00Working at Onie’s club vs. working at nice couples party – Feb. 16, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As I said earlier, when I was interviewing for this job with “PR,” the Puerto Rican promoter, I was led to believe that I would be the female part of the “couple,” with PR as the male part, and we would have lots of couples. <br />
<br />
That was not the case. As I learned all too quickly, Onie’s club is primarily NSA open-room sex and group sex with single men. <br />
<br />
PR also led me to believe that “Onie” was kind of a jerk, and that PR had my best interests in mind while Onie was just using us girls to get guys to attend the parties, and then paying us very little, considering all that we do.<br />
<br />
It is true that we don’t get paid as much as if we were on our own, but I have come to realize that Onie is a good guy. I complained once about my pay to him and he texted me back after we agreed on increased pay for me: “Looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I really want you to be happy when you leave.” <br />
<br />
Also, I still feel angry that I let PR have sex with me twice – I only did so because I thought I was interviewing for a job as a swing couple, and of course, if I’m supposed to be the “girlfriend,” the “boyfriend” needs to have sex with me. If I had gotten the job straight from Onie, I never would have had to sleep with PR. Not that PR is so bad in bed – he’s just like any other guy – but I just hate men having sex with me for free, and PR got to have me twice for free. <br />
<br />
However, when I was working at Onie’s club on February 3, 2011, PR introduced me to a nice young couple, “India” and “Don.” The woman, “India,” was Indian, plump, but with a pretty face, and PR told them I was friendly and liked women. <br />
<br />
India and Don told me they host couples-and-single-women-only parties, and when they told me the name of their parties, I was so excited! I told them I had heard about their parties and had read an article written by one of their hostesses about her experience at their parties. <br />
<br />
They said that PR had told them I would be a good hostess and they asked if I wanted to be a hostess at their next party, which was Feb. 12 – of course I said yes! Finally I would get to go to a nice upscale party with young good-looking couples.<br />
<br />
As a hostess at Don and India’s party, I would get to meet all the couples, and after things get into motion, I could start playing with the couples if I wanted. I couldn’t wait to finally be at a nice, classy swing party! I was so glad that PR had recommended me for this job.<br />
<br />
After the couple left, PR asked me if I got to talk with Don and India, and I said yes, and that they told me about their parties that they host. PR then suggested that he and I go to their next party as a couple. I was a little confused because I thought PR had recommended me for the hostess job, which meant I couldn’t go as a couple, so I just said that I thought I would be going anyway. <br />
<br />
When I left the club I was angry because I got an email from Robert Hannibal saying that he had gone to the bi club in Brooklyn that night – he didn’t get any action but I was still mad. I told him he needed to give me more notice because I had been working at Onie’s and couldn’t check my phone but would have gone with him to the bi club had I known. He said it was a “spontaneous decision,” but I was hurt because I want to always be included in any decision to go to a club – to go anywhere without his wife, actually. <br />
<br />
I didn’t tell Robert Hannibal about my upcoming job to work at Don and India’s party – I decided I would tell him after the fact, and then he could fill me in on how the “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George” parties are, and we could do a comparison of our experiences. <br />
<br />
In the meantime, I just looked forward to Don and India’s party, and when I was working at Onie’s club on Friday, Feb. 11th, I was so excited because the next day I would be working at a real, classy, couples swing party. <br />
<br />
That night at Onie’s club, I got together with “Tattoo,” a tattooed white girl who wears a wig, but her rule is “Don’t touch the hair!” I don’t know if she wears the wig just to hide her identity when she works here or if she’s bald, but I haven’t asked her.<br />
<br />
Tattoo is nice and cool, but also loud and aggressive and served in the military. She was good at going down on me and then she had all of us girls on the bed together at once and going at it. She wouldn’t let any of the men touch us – she would say, “No touching!” and she would slap their hands away if they tried. <br />
<br />
I met a nice man that night who wanted to date me but I am only interested if he can take me to “One Leg Up” parties – that is my new mission when I’m working at Onie’s - find a man who can take me to OLU parties and “Do You Know George” parties. My contract is expiring March 31, 2011 and I want to make sure I have gone to those parties! <br />
<br />
That night, of course, I wished Robert Hannibal was there. It never used to bother me too much having sex with men, but now that I know how wonderful sex with a man can be, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, it is even more of a chore to have sex with men. I miss Robert Hannibal so much. I had emailed him Feb. 7 about going to the bi club but he has not responded. I ache for him so much!<br />
<br />
Saturday, Feb. 12, I was a little worried because that was the night of Don and India’s party, and they still hadn’t given me the address! I finally texted them around noon to find out what was going on, and they texted me that PR had said he would be in touch with me, so they “weren’t sure what was up.” I was so mad at PR. But they gave me the address and told me they could still use my help.<br />
<br />
When I got to Don and India’s party that night, they said it was a good thing I had shown up because the guy who was supposed to do coat check hadn’t been in contact with them at all. So I was the coat check girl, and then I saw that Tattoo was the hostess! I was so mad! I asked her how she found out about the job, and she said PR had told her about it. <br />
<br />
I was really upset with PR. He had tried to sabotage a job that I had originally been offered. And I was still sad that Robert Hannibal hadn’t contacted me. But I resolved to have fun that night regardless. <br />
<br />
The party was in a penthouse suite in the Midtown East Side, and it was a two-story set-up with a spiral staircase. Very nice, with a nice large master bedroom and smaller bedroom downstairs, with the bar and lounge area upstairs. <br />
<br />
And it was so refreshing being surrounded by young, good-looking couples, mostly in their 20’s and 30’s. The oldest couples were in their late 40’s, but all were nice-looking and dressed in cocktail attire. I enjoyed talking to them, and at one point Don asked me and Tattoo to go at it to get the couples motivated. <br />
<br />
Tattoo went down on me in the lounge area in front of the bar, and the couples looked on. Tattoo is very good at this, and I realized I couldn’t be mad at her when it was PR who had tried to ruin my job, not Tattoo. <br />
<br />
I met a nice, very good-looking couple, and was hoping the girl and I would get together, but it didn’t happen. The guy asked for my phone number, and I hope they call me. I like the girl a lot – she’s a typical hot blonde, which is not usually my type, but she was not just hot, she was very pretty, too. <br />
<br />
I thought it so strange, however, that she went down on her boyfriend and said she was content just with that. She said it made her happy to make him happy. I knew inside myself that if Robert Hannibal actually had a commitment to me, such as marriage, I would go down on him. Even though I hate that act so much, I love him so much that if we were married I would do whatever he wanted sexually – just to make him happy. <br />
<br />
Throughout the night, I compared the dynamics of this party with previous swing parties I had gone to and the orgies I used to have with “Dan” in the Philippines with his friends, and the “orgies” at Onie’s club. <br />
<br />
With Dan, the group sex just happened organically, which I liked. At the swing parties I had gone to, I mostly just ended up with men, and one time I told the host I was mad because I had specifically gone to meet women, so the host introduced me to a couple and I ended up having a good time. <br />
<br />
At Onie’s club, when a bunch of us are on the large bed together it is the most fun, but often we are having sex with one man while other men are touching us and kissing our bodies. We usually start off with icebreakers, which I hate but which PR loves, and that supposedly gets people going. <br />
<br />
At this party, the bar upstairs was ostensibly the icebreaker, while the party game was a further icebreaker. With this game, each female was given a key and each male a lock. Each person had to find whoever their match was, and the idea was that their match wouldn’t be their own partner. Someone pointed out that the men should have the key in order for the game to be anatomically correct, but there were more keys than locks somehow. <br />
<br />
Also at this party, most of the couples were real couples, meaning they were in committed relationships, and many were married. At Onie’s club, when couples do arrive, it is often just a guy, and a girl who helped him get in at the couple’s price. <br />
<br />
There were two single women, and although one of the women got somewhat involved, the other didn’t. It really seemed better to have a partner. <br />
<br />
One couple was a regular at Don and India’s parties, and they were married, just like Don and India. I wondered if I were married, would I still want an open marriage? With Dan, I would have married him to have an open marriage and also nice in-laws (since I’m not close with my own parents, I’m always looking for surrogate parents), but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, I realize I really do want a traditional marriage, meaning completely monogamous, if I can actually be in love with my husband, something that had always seemed unreal to me before. <br />
<br />
However, I still like looking at and touching good-looking women, so I did a little of that as the party wound down, but then had to resume my coat-check duties. Most of the couples seemed to have a good time. I guess it was good for their marriages and relationship to shake it up a little by attending these types of parties occasionally, but I began to understand that if I were married to someone I love, I would rather be with him than with any woman. <br />
<br />
After the party, I helped Don and India and “Bart,” the bartender, clean up. I asked Don and India again about what PR had said to them about me, and they said that he wanted to go to the party with me as a date, and he recommended Tattoo to be the hostess. I was so mad, because Don and India offered me the job first. <br />
<br />
But we also talked about upcoming parties they would do, and I was so excited to be a part of this new classy couples world. The following morning I had to be at a church just a few blocks away for my class at school, so I spent the night in the suite with Don and India and Bart. Bart and I shared the bed in the smaller bedroom - he wanted to have sex with me, but he totally respected me when I said no. <br />
<br />
The next Monday, PR left me a voice message asking me how Don and India’s party went, but I never called him back. The next day, Tuesday the 15th (yesterday), when I was working at Onie’s club, PR asked me why I didn’t return his call. I told PR I was upset that he tried to sabotage my job at the couples party, that Don and India had only needed one hostess and they were waiting to hear from him about me working there because he had told them he would be in touch with me. <br />
<br />
PR denied it, of course, but I knew I couldn’t trust him. I just made my peace with him but internally I kept my distance. I also decided I wouldn’t let him kiss me anymore or touch me anymore. Previously, although I don’t let the customers kiss me, I would let PR kiss me because he was my boss and we had already kissed and had sex, and he is nice-looking. But now I wouldn’t. <br />
<br />
The rest of the night was okay – I met a nice-looking Turkish guy who stayed with me til the end of the night – I always like to have a nice-looking and intelligent guy stay with me til the end of the shift because the later it gets, the less I want to work. But even though I was with this nice guy, I missed Robert Hannibal incredibly!<br />
<br />
I'm still attracted to women, but I choose Robert Hannibal. </div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-91544364446279592452011-07-23T21:32:00.000-07:002016-07-27T10:44:02.974-07:00Men I’ve Met by Working at Onie’s Club – Feb. 2, 2011<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There is such a wide variety of men at Onie’s club, in terms of race, class, finances. Often there are men on business trips, who know they’ll never see us again. Robert Hannibal frequently remarks on the number of white men he sees at Onie’s – when he used to attend Onie’s a few years ago, it was mostly black men who attended.<br />
<br />
Every night there is at least one who is handsome and intelligent, and I usually try to spend most of my time with the handsome ones. As long as I am busy, I am “keeping the room moving,” which is what Onie wants us to do. <br />
<br />
I love when I can get into political discussions with the customers also. Politics and religion are my favorite subjects, and since I tend to be conservative in my beliefs, at least compared to people in NYC, I enjoy the opportunity to engage in these conversations, regardless of where people stand on the issues. <br />
<br />
“PR,” the promoter, tells me I talk too much, that the customers are here to ‘f—k,’ but I tell PR that they also enjoy good conversation, which I am happy to provide. PR always tells the guys I’ll “talk” their “ear off,” but the guys like it. I would continue these conversations outside the club, even.<br />
<br />
However, if we want to exchange contact info with any of the customers, we have to be discreet. Onie had a talk with us girls about not taking any guys’ contact information and meeting them away from the club. When we do that, it takes money from Onie’s pocket.<br />
<br />
It’s different from my hostess dancing job in college. In that job, it was expected that you exchanged contact information with your customers. Sexual acts were not technically allowed at the club, though we all did them there, but it was more encouraged that sexual acts be done off-premise. <br />
<br />
Also, in that job, it was good to spend a long time with a guy because that gave us more “minutes,” and we had to earn a certain number of minutes each week or we could get suspended. The club manager paid us according to the minutes we earned, and our customers tipped us equal in value to our minutes, sometimes more, depending on what we did physically and sexually with them. <br />
<br />
The more I talked with my customers at my hostess dancing job, the more minutes I earned and the longer I prolonged having to do anything physical with them. So I learned that talking for a long time and then getting into the sexual acts later was the best way to maximize the money.<br />
<br />
At Onie’s club, Onie pays us when the night is over, and our pay depends on how many girls are on the payroll that night and how many guys total showed up. <br />
<br />
When I’m with a good-looking guy at Onie’s club, I like to have him spend as much time with me as possible because then I don’t have to be with the other guys as much, but Onie wants us to spend time with as many guys as possible. However, I often let the other girls pick up the slack, especially since they will do hand jobs and blow jobs, and I won’t do that. <br />
<br />
But I do try to treat each guy with respect, even the ones I don’t think are as intelligent or as good-looking as someone I would normally want to spend time with. <br />
<br />
But the guys say I am the most sought-after, and it appears to be true, because they will often wait in line for me. As I said, in my opinion, Gia is prettier than I am, but more guys try to get with me than with her. Also, I don’t mean to brag, but there is something about me that makes sex with me so great without my having to do anything or exert any effort (and I am fundamentally lazy). I guess it’s because I’m so tight down there, since I haven’t had any children. <br />
<br />
I am just as tight as I was during my hostess dancing days, even though that was so long ago, and when men orgasm with me, they usually say it is one of the most intense orgasms they’ve ever had. I don’t know why this is the case, other than that I’m tight down there, because I don’t do anything. Of course, they could also be lying. <br />
<br />
However, because of this, I do get men at Onie’s who fall for me quite easily, and there are a few I have exchanged contact information with. One guy, “Van,” is a black man who really fell in love with me. He calls me a “rock star” and says he will do anything for me. <br />
<br />
I gave him my email address and afterwards, he emailed me and wanted to take me to lunch or dinner. I told him I was too busy with work and school and preparing to move because my roommates and I had to move to a new apartment. He told me he had a van and that he would take the day off whenever I had to move so he could help me move to the new place. <br />
<br />
Another guy, “New,” was an Indian who lived in New Jersey, and immediately asked if I would be his girlfriend. He wasn’t the handsome dark-skinned Indian I had always imagined myself marrying. He had light skin but he was nice-looking and tall. <br />
<br />
He also worked in finance, and I figured he might be someone who could afford to take me to “One Leg Up” parties and “Do You Know George?” parties. <br />
<br />
However, I did not like sex with him. He kept wanting me to bite him and I hate putting my mouth against any part of a man, whether it’s their face or their chest. But after working at Onie’s club, I let New take me to dinner, and then I went home with him to Jersey. I was really hopeful he could take me to the “One Leg Up” and “DYKG” parties. <br />
<br />
Now, “New” is a nice guy; I’m not just attracted to him and I don’t like sex with him and I don’t feel we have that much to talk about. But he offered to help me move as well, since he has a car.<br />
<br />
When I had to move into our new apartment, Van helped me move the entire day, loading my things into his van and making the several necessary trips. He was so helpful and kind, and I was so impressed that he had given up an entire day, not to mention the cost of gas in driving his van, just to help me move. He had only met me once at Onie’s. Van is really a nice person. <br />
<br />
“New” helped me move in the evening with his car, and he was very good at fitting the rest of my stuff in his car. He was also great about helping me clean out my old room. <br />
<br />
I think my roommate was a little jealous because here I had two guys helping me move for free, one who gave up his entire day and one who gave up his entire night, and she had to hire movers and had no one to help her. <br />
<br />
After New and I finished moving my stuff, I let him have sex with me, of course, but the whole time I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal! I love sex with Robert Hannibal, only with him! <br />
<br />
But New is a nice guy and I did appreciate his help. He showed up again at Onie’s club a few days later and brought a friend with him. <br />
<br />
After New left Onie’s, a good-looking Brazilian guy showed up. This Brazilian is someone who would be considered very sexy by most girls, and he spent all his time with me. <br />
<br />
He was only in NYC for a week, so I knew he wasn’t an option to take me to “One Leg Up” parties, but I enjoyed his company. He was so nice because he waited for me to get off work at Onie’s (the smart, good-looking guys can always figure out that I’m getting paid for this). <br />
<br />
Then he rode the subway with me all the way home uptown to my apartment. This was very kind of him, because I live far north, in the Heights, and then he had to go all the way back downtown. <br />
<br />
I didn’t invite him to spend the night, but perhaps I should have, since he rode all the way with me, but I have a regular day job and I needed to be up at a decent time. Plus, he hadn’t done anything for me that I felt deserved extra sex. But I had a nice time with him at Onie’s club and I had fun riding the subway home with him. <br />
<br />
I have met many nice guys at Onie’s, but I am particularly glad that I met two guys were helped me move for free. Moving is stressful, and the fact that I had such great help to move is due only to my work at Onie’s. Most of the men I’ve met thus far at Onie’s have been very nice.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-593419357840614999.post-16820504316028786452011-07-23T21:03:00.000-07:002016-07-26T17:13:53.102-07:005th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
On January 13, 2011, I wrote about how much I love Robert Hannibal and I talked about our different “dates.” I thought writing about him would help purge him from me, but I still thought and think about him constantly. <br />
<br />
PR, the promoter at Onie’s club, had arranged for me to go to one of his customer’s homes the night of Friday, January 14, 2011, and this guy would pay me the same amount I normally get at Onie’s just to be with him (Onie didn’t know, of course; he doesn’t like us seeing the customers outside of his club). <br />
<br />
As I was preparing to meet this customer, I just felt sick and wished I could be with Robert Hannibal. I started thinking how when I have sex with any other guy I need to get paid, or I need to have another woman there, or at least get dinner out of it, to make it worth it. <br />
<br />
But with Robert Hannibal, I am happy just to be with him and I don’t need anything other than him! But I also know that he has a wife and kids, and he only sees his time with me as his way to have sexual adventure. I want to make sure I am always the one he thinks of when he wants sexual adventure. <br />
<br />
Robert Hannibal had said on Wednesday the 12th after our sensual massage date that he might be able to go out Saturday the 15th. I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent him an email and poured out my thoughts and wishes. <br />
<br />
I didn’t hold back - almost, anyway. I asked him to let me know about Saturday and reminded him, referring to my contract deadline, that “i have only 2 1/2 months left to swing or to be with girls or with guys or to even make money.”<br />
<br />
Then I told him not to go back to Onie’s club because he doesn’t pay us enough and that the twins and I wanted to make our own money. <br />
<br />
Lastly, I said: “i thought about the main things i want to do before i have to stop with it all – I don't want to look back and i don't want to have any regrets: 1) the bi night at the club where it's an all-girl orgy with pretty girls; 2) ‘the one leg up’ party; 3) a 'do you know george' party; 4) tantra session; 5) attend all the different swing clubs in nyc.<br />
<br />
“i know you don't have an obligation or responsibility to me but i've latched on to you and i want to maximize my swinging experience only with you. usually i don't like taking married men away from their families too much but since i'm on limited time i'm being more selfish.”<br />
<br />
I couched my language in terms of the exciting sexual adventures I wanted to have before my contract was up, but really I was telling him I loved him. I didn’t care as much about doing all those things as I did about being with him. <br />
<br />
Yes, it would be nice to experience a classy swing party, but I really only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. Since he was married, I could only see him when he wanted to go to a swing club, so I just had to make sure I was the one he chose when he wanted to go to places like that. <br />
<br />
I checked my email on my iPhone continually, aching for him to respond. My friends were planning on having a movie night Saturday night, but I would abandon those plans if Robert Hannibal was able to go out. <br />
<br />
Finally, he emailed me at 3:15pm on Saturday, the 15th: “Hey [Polly]; unable to get away this weekend.”<br />
<br />
Of course not - he has a wife and kids. I wish I didn’t love him but I can’t help it – I am just so in love with him. I want to spend every minute with him but I also don’t want to take him away from his family. I want an alternate universe where I could be with him all the time. <br />
<br />
I didn’t email him back, and I didn’t hear from him again until he suddenly emailed me on Wednesday, January 26, 2011: “This last week has been hectic. Things are a little crazy at the moment. I don't know if realistically I can facilitate everything on your ambitious wish list. Weekends are nigh impossible. If you find someone you're comfortable with for something like one leg up, go for it. I'm happy to accompany you whenever I'm free, otherwise.<br />
<br />
“Any interest in checking out bi night in Brooklyn tomorrow? The club opens at 9 pm.”<br />
<br />
I was so happy to hear from him again! It had been so long! I love the way he words things – I memorized that email. <br />
<br />
I emailed him in response that I knew my wish list was ambitious but it’s better “to aim high than to aim low.” I also told him “of course” I would want to go to the bi club, but I was worried there might not be as much of a crowd due to the snow. We had had a snowstorm, but the truth was I didn’t care about a crowd. All I cared about was seeing Robert Hannibal. <br />
<br />
But I wanted to respect the fact that he was married. I had been somewhat open in the past in saying that I would go to Onie’s only if he was there, but once I knew for sure that he was married, I felt bad saying things like that. The only person who should be so intent on seeing him, the only person who should love him is his wife. <br />
<br />
It is one thing for me to have sex with him – if he is going to have sex with someone who is not his wife, then it might as well be me. But if I told him that I only wanted to see him and I didn’t care what we did as long as we were together, I thought it would be too emotional and would be disrespectful to his wife. <br />
<br />
I also worried that he might get scared that I was too attached to him, and he might try to find someone else. As much as I thought he enjoyed being with me sexually, I knew he was only taking me to these places so he could explore his own sexual fantasies, since his wife didn’t want to go to those places anymore. I wanted to keep being the woman he would choose to go to these places with.<br />
<br />
I knew he didn’t love me, but I hoped he almost loved me. I wanted him to love his wife, but I also wanted to be the second choice. <br />
<br />
We ultimately decided we would go to the bi club another night when it wasn’t snowing, so on Thursday, January 27, we went back to Trapeze, the location of our first “date.” <br />
<br />
When we were in the locker room changing into our towels, Robert Hannibal told me about his brother, and how they are so different. Robert Hannibal is the responsible one, the one with a good job (he works in finance), a wife and kids. His brother is more free-spirited, I guess. This just makes me love Robert Hannibal even more! <br />
<br />
After we changed, we kept going upstairs, then back around, looking for couples, but of course I wasn’t going to find anyone I was attracted to, not when Robert Hannibal was next to me. <br />
<br />
Since it was a Thursday night and there was a lot of snow, there were not as many couples as the last time we went. I was so glad. That increased the chances that I could have Robert Hannibal to myself and wouldn’t have to share him with another woman or put up with another man myself.<br />
<br />
Finally, Robert Hannibal and I ended up in the large downstairs room with mirrors on the walls and ceiling. He had us watch a couple where the man was rolling himself over the woman’s head and body. Robert Hannibal said he thought it was sexy, but I said I didn’t like that the man’s package was touching the woman’s hair; I thought it was disgusting. <br />
<br />
Robert Hannibal just said, “It’s not your thing.” I love that he gets that about me. So many guys have not understood how disgusting I think their package is, how ugly and what a turn-off it is, how I don’t want to touch it and definitely not kiss it or suck it. The times I have done those things I have always felt so sick. <br />
<br />
But Robert Hannibal gets it. At our first “date” at Trapeze, on Dec. 3, 2010, I told him I don’t go down on guys or give hand jobs, and he said, “I know.” He had observed me from the first night he met me at Onie’s club and knew that I didn’t like to touch men down there. He has never asked me to. I love him so much. <br />
<br />
As we lay next to each other, me in his arms, I asked him if he would go back to Onie’s, and he said, probably not and that if he did, Kayla wouldn’t leave him alone and would want to keep him all to herself. I said, “I would do the same thing.” That’s the closest I could get to telling him how I feel about him. I feel too guilty to actually say the words that I love him. <br />
<br />
Then we began kissing and having sex. He moved me in different positions, and ended up laying on top of my back and holding my right leg straight up against my side. I’ve always been very flexible and it doesn’t bother me to get moved around in different ways. <br />
<br />
In my hostess dancing work in college, although I was much younger, I’m just as flexible now as I was back then. However, even if I wasn’t flexible, Robert Hannibal can move me anywhere and my body obeys willingly. <br />
<br />
After we finished, Robert Hannibal told me we had “sexual chemistry.” Other men have told me this, but they were all wrong. They may have had sexual chemistry with me, but I had none with them. <br />
<br />
But this time it was true. I have such sexual chemistry with Robert Hannibal. I love being with him so much. I still didn’t come or orgasm, but I don’t need to. I just love love love being with him. <br />
<br />
I recalled the first night that we met, on Nov. 2, 2010, my first night of work at Onie’s club, and how we had sex twice, and both times were amazing. After the first time, he asked me if I was a Sagittarius or some other sign (I can’t remember), and when I said I was a Sagittarius, he said his best lovers were all either Sagittarius or whatever the other sign was. <br />
<br />
That same night, my first night of work at Onie’s club and the first night I met Robert Hannibal, after the second time we had sex, another guy was going down on me, and he ended up with a condom in his mouth. Robert Hannibal realized that it was his condom, that it had come off during sex, and he looked at me intently and told me to let him know if anything happens. <br />
<br />
I told him I wouldn’t get pregnant, so that wasn’t a problem, but I asked him if he was clean, because I was clean, and he answered that he was. <br />
<br />
I have usually been careful, but there have been times in the past I didn’t use a condom, and I have had occasional pregnancy scares. The interesting thing is that I was never scared about the possibility of getting pregnant per se, but about getting pregnant by whoever the guy was. <br />
<br />
I have never been able to imagine wanting to get pregnant unless by a dark-skinned guy who was smart, handsome, funny, and most importantly, a guy I genuinely liked and one who I enjoyed sex with, so that I could say the baby was conceived in love. I had never had sex with anyone who I wouldn’t mind getting pregnant by. <br />
<br />
But my first night meeting Robert Hannibal, I knew that if by chance I got pregnant by him, I would want to keep the baby. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but he was the very first guy that I would want a baby with. <br />
<br />
Now, here we were on our fifth date, and I thought about those events the first night we met. I thought how lucky his wife was to have children with him. To have him come home to her every night. To be able to share a bed with him. To be able to see him every single day. How I wanted that for myself with him!<br />
<br />
But Robert Hannibal wasn’t content to bask as long in post-coital bliss as I was. He took me upstairs to find some couples, but I just wanted to go home now that I’d gotten to have sex with the best lover in the whole world. <br />
<br />
He had us go in all the rooms and most of the couples were older. None were attractive to me. But I didn’t want to upset him and I wanted to still be the woman he would choose to take to these places, so I tried to go along. <br />
<br />
In one room, there was an older couple, probably in their 50’s or 60’s, amidst a few other couples. The man started going down on me and the woman and Robert Hannibal started kissing. Seeing him kiss this woman, this older, unattractive woman, on the lips, was too much for me. I pulled away from the man and ran downstairs. <br />
<br />
Robert Hannibal followed me and asked me if I was okay, and I told him I really don’t like being with people who are so much older. I couldn’t tell him how much it bothered me, and hurt me, to see him kiss another woman. I could handle it when he touched their bodies, but kissing them was altogether too intimate and I couldn’t handle it. <br />
<br />
It wasn’t just that I was jealous seeing him kiss another woman - though that was the main part - it was that if he was going to be with a woman who wasn’t his wife, she should be attractive. I felt like it was okay for him to be with me, because I am attractive. But to be with older, unattractive women is insulting not only to me but also to his wife. <br />
<br />
I realized as much as I was intrigued by the classy swinger’s parties like “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George?”, I didn’t want to go to those with Robert Hannibal. I wanted to enjoy the spectacle of such parties and be with tons of women, but if I was with Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t enjoy myself at the parties because I would only want to be with him and I would get jealous of any other women he would be with. <br />
<br />
I decided I should meet someone at Onie’s club who could take me to those parties. Men at Onie’s club were always asking to go out with me, and I just needed to find one who I thought could take me to these classy, upscale swing parties. <br />
<br />
With Robert Hannibal, I would be content to just continue going to Trapeze or Carousel on weekday nights where there weren’t as many couples and where my odds were better at keeping him to myself. <br />
<br />
We left Trapeze and he put me in a cab. He told me that we would need to develop a code so that if I ever felt uncomfortable with someone, I could let him know and he could get me out of the situation. I wish I could tell him that I only want to be with him, and no one else! <br />
<br />
But I can’t. I don’t want to lose my privilege of going out with him, even if it’s only to swing clubs where he doesn’t even want to be alone with me. If that is the only way I can see him, so be it. <br />
<br />
When I got in the cab, I kept thinking how his wife is the luckiest woman in the world, but as long as I am the second choice, I am the second luckiest woman.</div>
Pollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18092796360866904767noreply@blogger.com0