Several years ago one of my friends told me about a guy who thought he was gay his whole life, but then he had a sexual dream about a woman and now he’s married to a woman and living a normal life! With kids!
I’ve even known some lesbian-identified women, some old, some young, some who’ve had sex with men and some who haven’t, who have had sexual dreams about men, and still do. One even said she usually dreams about men when she is feeling particularly sexual, but she’s never been with a man and is a total lesbian-queer! And I’ve known many straight-identified girls who haven’t yet had sex with a man but still have had sexual dreams about men!
I’m the only one I know who hasn’t had any sexual dreams about men, other than my Marilyn dream. I’m also the only one I know who’s never come close to having an orgasm with a man, though I’m not sure how strange that makes me. Given my bizarre sexual experience with men, whether I orgasmed or not was not the concern, so maybe if I was with a man in a normal situation I would orgasm.
But maybe not. I hear about faking orgasms, so even though I never pretended, I at least have the comfort of knowing I’m not the only girl who’s never had an orgasm with a man. At least I don’t think so, or at least other girls don’t orgasm often.
(But who am I kidding? I don’t orgasm with other girls all the time either, though at least I have. The difference is that with girls, even when I don’t orgasm, I like kissing them and touching them, but I am completely passive with men, even when I let them kiss me and make out with me, I just go with the flow, I don’t add anything).
Maybe I just need more normal experiences, as my experience in general is not normal. Most of my sexual experience with men was from my hostess dancing job, and although several of those men tried to have relationships with me, I've never had a real sexual relationship with a man where no exchange of money was involved. So maybe I just need more normal, non-transactional sexual experience with men.
I have been with a lot of girls all for free, but only a few that could be called real relationships. I would love to have more girlfriends, of course, but I think for my own well-being I will need to have more men, and not just for money. But I can't even imagine what it's like to want to be with a man just for him, just to be with him and not get anything out of it.
I think if I orgasm with a man, my whole perspective will change. I will think differently. I will think of myself differently. There is no way I could think of myself as lesbian if I orgasm with a man, that’s for sure.
But how on earth could I ever orgasm with a man? Whether it’s vaginal or anal intercourse, I don’t feel anything with them, and even when they go down on me it’s not good.
And most importantly, everything about a man is so ugly. The male body is so ugly and disgusting, especially the male sex organ. How can anyone be attracted to that? I truly don’t think there is an object in existence that is uglier than the male sex organ. If there is anything guaranteed to repel sexual desire, surely it is that. So what is wrong with me if other women like it? And how will an orgasm ever happen for me with a man?
And even if I did miraculously orgasm with a man, it’s such an abnormal way to try to be normal! I’ve oscillated throughout my life between thinking I was very strange and completely abnormal in many ways, not just this (especially as a teenager) to thinking I’m just like all other girls, or other girls are just like me, to thinking I’m slightly different, but not too much so, to wondering if I really am, after all, quite anomalous.
I guess I will always have to admit that, in addition to many things being wrong with me, this is all wrong with me, too, unfortunately. Because it’s not normal! People really have to understand normal!