Saturday, October 1, 2011

My Response to Charles Lane’s Washington Post article on Troy Davis

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/post/troy-davis-guilty-as-charged/2011/03/04/gIQAh23BoK_blog.html?wpisrc=nl_opinions

After Troy Davis was executed, I was touched at the photos of protesters crying over his death. Yes, we should cry that the death penalty was used in this case. We should cry that our country has used capital punishment so often.

We should cry that Troy Davis is dead. We should mourn for life lost. Most importantly, we should cry for Mark MacPhail, the off-duty police officer who was murdered.

But don’t conflate tears over Troy Davis’ death with crying over a man who was innocent of the crime for which he was convicted.

Save those tears for Cameron Todd Willingham, who was convicted and executed for murdering his children by arson. Before Willingham’s execution, evidence pointed to the fire being accidental, not deliberate. We should cry that then-Texas Governor Rick Perry, when presented with a request to stay the execution in order to review new findings proving innocence, refused the stay and allowed Willingham to die. Cry that Willingham was executed as an innocent man.

In reading Lane’s article (linked above) and others written about the Troy Davis case, I believe Davis was guilty of murder. But he should not have been given the death penalty.

Lane’s article likewise agrees that the death penalty never should have been sought in the Davis case. In fact, I am eager to read Lane’s book “Stay of Execution: Saving the Death Penalty from Itself” – I am still not sure if I think that capital punishment should ever be used, but if it is, it should only be in the “worst of the worst,” as Lane argues (see link to book review here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/22/AR2010102203014.html).

Compare the murder for which Troy Davis was convicted with the horrific triple-murder Steven Hayes was convicted of – and yet both men are sentenced with the death penalty? There is no comparison.

Not that there is good murder or bad murder – every life is precious (even that of a murderer) and every murder is wrong. But when torture is involved – and death by fire is certainly torture – the crime of murder is aggravated. (I was relieved to read that the poor Petit girls died of smoke inhalation and not of the fire itself, as I had originally thought, but the terror those girls went through is unspeakable and the murderers’ evil intent was to burn the girls to death).

I would like us to get away from the idea of using the death penalty as punishment.  The death penalty should only be used to protect society, and to protect other prisoners.  This is why I don't agree with using mental illness as a defense - to me, someone who is not aware of right or wrong is more dangerous than someone who knows what they're doing is wrong.

In deciding the death penalty, judges should ask if the person will be a danger to others, his fellow inmates, the prison guards.  Someone who can kill someone by fire or any other way of torturing someone to death, is capable of the ultimate cruelty and is truly a danger to everyone.

Now, I think Davis was basically a good person who got into trouble and made mistakes, the most grievous being that of killing MacPhail, but Davis was not a monster. He was 20 at the time of the murder, and subsequently spent the latter half of his life in prison (I don’t even have time here to go into how badly our prison system needs to be reformed). I am sure he was not the same man when he was executed that he was the night of the murder – who of us remains his 20-year-old self? Impossible.

Perhaps that is why he claimed innocence – do we not often feel a separation from our younger selves? Often when I think of things I did as a teenager and young adult, I don’t recognize the person who did those things. That person is frequently a stranger to me.

Troy Davis never should have been sentenced to death. Troy Davis should still be alive. But so should Marc MacPhail.

So let’s continue to cry. Cry that we kill each other in legal punishment in order to deter more of us from killing each other. Cry that our fellow human beings murder each other in the first place. Cry and protest over every murder. Be outraged every single time someone is murdered.

Our tears should be relentless. Our tears should never stop.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

My Response to: Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (Shashauna P. Thomas)

Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality

I love this post by Shashauna P. Thomas! I definitely agree with the human sexuality spectrum. Although most of my life I have been one of the few people in the far-flung homosexuality end of the spectrum, I have fallen in love with a man so hard, and when I'm with him, I have no desire for women at all.

The polyamorous and monogamous spectrum I also think is very fluid. I used to only be able to imagine marriage in polygamous or polyamorous forms. Now I think it can be most fulfilling in a monogamous form, but there are times I think occasional polyamory might need to creep in as well.

Sexuality and positions, whether dominant or submissive, as well as relationship ideals, whether polyamorous or monogamous, are definitely fluid. So much depends on where we are in life, who we are loving.

However, I worry that this very common-sense approach of human sexuality as fluid will be repressed by those who want to press for LGBT rights. Having been in the LGBT camp, I know it is important to stress the "born that way" idea.

Yet i think the "born that way" idea still applies, but to a much lesser degree. Human sexuality is indeed a spectrum, but some of us start on the spectrum, as pointed out in this excellent post, near the ends, not clustered in the middle with the majority. Our spectrum may not be as wide or fluid as often, but we definitely have fluidity, we definitely have a spectrum. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Thanks again to Shashauna P. Thomas for sharing!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

Friday, August 5, 2011

6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Working at Onie’s club vs. working at nice couples party – Feb. 16, 2011

As I said earlier, when I was interviewing for this job with “PR,” the Puerto Rican promoter, I was led to believe that I would be the female part of the “couple,” with PR as the male part, and we would have lots of couples.

That was not the case. As I learned all too quickly, Onie’s club is primarily NSA open-room sex and group sex with single men.

PR also led me to believe that “Onie” was kind of a jerk, and that PR had my best interests in mind while Onie was just using us girls to get guys to attend the parties, and then paying us very little, considering all that we do.

It is true that we don’t get paid as much as if we were on our own, but I have come to realize that Onie is a good guy. I complained once about my pay to him and he texted me back after we agreed on increased pay for me: “Looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I really want you to be happy when you leave.”

Also, I still feel angry that I let PR have sex with me twice – I only did so because I thought I was interviewing for a job as a swing couple, and of course, if I’m supposed to be the “girlfriend,” the “boyfriend” needs to have sex with me. If I had gotten the job straight from Onie, I never would have had to sleep with PR. Not that PR is so bad in bed – he’s just like any other guy – but I just hate men having sex with me for free, and PR got to have me twice for free.

However, when I was working at Onie’s club on February 3, 2011, PR introduced me to a nice young couple, “India” and “Don.” The woman, “India,” was Indian, plump, but with a pretty face, and PR told them I was friendly and liked women.

India and Don told me they host couples-and-single-women-only parties, and when they told me the name of their parties, I was so excited! I told them I had heard about their parties and had read an article written by one of their hostesses about her experience at their parties.

They said that PR had told them I would be a good hostess and they asked if I wanted to be a hostess at their next party, which was Feb. 12 – of course I said yes! Finally I would get to go to a nice upscale party with young good-looking couples.

As a hostess at Don and India’s party, I would get to meet all the couples, and after things get into motion, I could start playing with the couples if I wanted. I couldn’t wait to finally be at a nice, classy swing party! I was so glad that PR had recommended me for this job.

After the couple left, PR asked me if I got to talk with Don and India, and I said yes, and that they told me about their parties that they host. PR then suggested that he and I go to their next party as a couple. I was a little confused because I thought PR had recommended me for the hostess job, which meant I couldn’t go as a couple, so I just said that I thought I would be going anyway.

When I left the club I was angry because I got an email from Robert Hannibal saying that he had gone to the bi club in Brooklyn that night – he didn’t get any action but I was still mad. I told him he needed to give me more notice because I had been working at Onie’s and couldn’t check my phone but would have gone with him to the bi club had I known. He said it was a “spontaneous decision,” but I was hurt because I want to always be included in any decision to go to a club – to go anywhere without his wife, actually.

I didn’t tell Robert Hannibal about my upcoming job to work at Don and India’s party – I decided I would tell him after the fact, and then he could fill me in on how the “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George” parties are, and we could do a comparison of our experiences.

In the meantime, I just looked forward to Don and India’s party, and when I was working at Onie’s club on Friday, Feb. 11th, I was so excited because the next day I would be working at a real, classy, couples swing party.

That night at Onie’s club, I got together with “Tattoo,” a tattooed white girl who wears a wig, but her rule is “Don’t touch the hair!” I don’t know if she wears the wig just to hide her identity when she works here or if she’s bald, but I haven’t asked her.

Tattoo is nice and cool, but also loud and aggressive and served in the military. She was good at going down on me and then she had all of us girls on the bed together at once and going at it. She wouldn’t let any of the men touch us – she would say, “No touching!” and she would slap their hands away if they tried.

I met a nice man that night who wanted to date me but I am only interested if he can take me to “One Leg Up” parties – that is my new mission when I’m working at Onie’s - find a man who can take me to OLU parties and “Do You Know George” parties. My contract is expiring March 31, 2011 and I want to make sure I have gone to those parties!

That night, of course, I wished Robert Hannibal was there. It never used to bother me too much having sex with men, but now that I know how wonderful sex with a man can be, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, it is even more of a chore to have sex with men. I miss Robert Hannibal so much. I had emailed him Feb. 7 about going to the bi club but he has not responded. I ache for him so much!

Saturday, Feb. 12, I was a little worried because that was the night of Don and India’s party, and they still hadn’t given me the address! I finally texted them around noon to find out what was going on, and they texted me that PR had said he would be in touch with me, so they “weren’t sure what was up.” I was so mad at PR. But they gave me the address and told me they could still use my help.

When I got to Don and India’s party that night, they said it was a good thing I had shown up because the guy who was supposed to do coat check hadn’t been in contact with them at all. So I was the coat check girl, and then I saw that Tattoo was the hostess! I was so mad! I asked her how she found out about the job, and she said PR had told her about it.

I was really upset with PR. He had tried to sabotage a job that I had originally been offered. And I was still sad that Robert Hannibal hadn’t contacted me. But I resolved to have fun that night regardless.

The party was in a penthouse suite in the Midtown East Side, and it was a two-story set-up with a spiral staircase. Very nice, with a nice large master bedroom and smaller bedroom downstairs, with the bar and lounge area upstairs.

And it was so refreshing being surrounded by young, good-looking couples, mostly in their 20’s and 30’s. The oldest couples were in their late 40’s, but all were nice-looking and dressed in cocktail attire. I enjoyed talking to them, and at one point Don asked me and Tattoo to go at it to get the couples motivated.

Tattoo went down on me in the lounge area in front of the bar, and the couples looked on. Tattoo is very good at this, and I realized I couldn’t be mad at her when it was PR who had tried to ruin my job, not Tattoo.

I met a nice, very good-looking couple, and was hoping the girl and I would get together, but it didn’t happen. The guy asked for my phone number, and I hope they call me. I like the girl a lot – she’s a typical hot blonde, which is not usually my type, but she was not just hot, she was very pretty, too.

I thought it so strange, however, that she went down on her boyfriend and said she was content just with that. She said it made her happy to make him happy. I knew inside myself that if Robert Hannibal actually had a commitment to me, such as marriage, I would go down on him. Even though I hate that act so much, I love him so much that if we were married I would do whatever he wanted sexually – just to make him happy.

Throughout the night, I compared the dynamics of this party with previous swing parties I had gone to and the orgies I used to have with “Dan” in the Philippines with his friends, and the “orgies” at Onie’s club.

With Dan, the group sex just happened organically, which I liked. At the swing parties I had gone to, I mostly just ended up with men, and one time I told the host I was mad because I had specifically gone to meet women, so the host introduced me to a couple and I ended up having a good time.

At Onie’s club, when a bunch of us are on the large bed together it is the most fun, but often we are having sex with one man while other men are touching us and kissing our bodies. We usually start off with icebreakers, which I hate but which PR loves, and that supposedly gets people going.

At this party, the bar upstairs was ostensibly the icebreaker, while the party game was a further icebreaker. With this game, each female was given a key and each male a lock. Each person had to find whoever their match was, and the idea was that their match wouldn’t be their own partner. Someone pointed out that the men should have the key in order for the game to be anatomically correct, but there were more keys than locks somehow.

Also at this party, most of the couples were real couples, meaning they were in committed relationships, and many were married. At Onie’s club, when couples do arrive, it is often just a guy, and a girl who helped him get in at the couple’s price.

There were two single women, and although one of the women got somewhat involved, the other didn’t. It really seemed better to have a partner.

One couple was a regular at Don and India’s parties, and they were married, just like Don and India. I wondered if I were married, would I still want an open marriage? With Dan, I would have married him to have an open marriage and also nice in-laws (since I’m not close with my own parents, I’m always looking for surrogate parents), but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, I realize I really do want a traditional marriage, meaning completely monogamous, if I can actually be in love with my husband, something that had always seemed unreal to me before.

However, I still like looking at and touching good-looking women, so I did a little of that as the party wound down, but then had to resume my coat-check duties. Most of the couples seemed to have a good time. I guess it was good for their marriages and relationship to shake it up a little by attending these types of parties occasionally, but I began to understand that if I were married to someone I love, I would rather be with him than with any woman.

After the party, I helped Don and India and “Bart,” the bartender, clean up. I asked Don and India again about what PR had said to them about me, and they said that he wanted to go to the party with me as a date, and he recommended Tattoo to be the hostess. I was so mad, because Don and India offered me the job first.

But we also talked about upcoming parties they would do, and I was so excited to be a part of this new classy couples world. The following morning I had to be at a church just a few blocks away for my class at school, so I spent the night in the suite with Don and India and Bart. Bart and I shared the bed in the smaller bedroom - he wanted to have sex with me, but he totally respected me when I said no.

The next Monday, PR left me a voice message asking me how Don and India’s party went, but I never called him back. The next day, Tuesday the 15th (yesterday), when I was working at Onie’s club, PR asked me why I didn’t return his call. I told PR I was upset that he tried to sabotage my job at the couples party, that Don and India had only needed one hostess and they were waiting to hear from him about me working there because he had told them he would be in touch with me.

PR denied it, of course, but I knew I couldn’t trust him. I just made my peace with him but internally I kept my distance. I also decided I wouldn’t let him kiss me anymore or touch me anymore. Previously, although I don’t let the customers kiss me, I would let PR kiss me because he was my boss and we had already kissed and had sex, and he is nice-looking. But now I wouldn’t.

The rest of the night was okay – I met a nice-looking Turkish guy who stayed with me til the end of the night – I always like to have a nice-looking and intelligent guy stay with me til the end of the shift because the later it gets, the less I want to work. But even though I was with this nice guy, I missed Robert Hannibal incredibly!

I'm still attracted to women, but I choose Robert Hannibal.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Men I’ve Met by Working at Onie’s Club – Feb. 2, 2011

There is such a wide variety of men at Onie’s club, in terms of race, class, finances.  Often there are men on business trips, who know they’ll never see us again. Robert Hannibal frequently remarks on the number of white men he sees at Onie’s – when he used to attend Onie’s a few years ago, it was mostly black men who attended.

Every night there is at least one who is handsome and intelligent, and I usually try to spend most of my time with the handsome ones. As long as I am busy, I am “keeping the room moving,” which is what Onie wants us to do.

I love when I can get into political discussions with the customers also. Politics and religion are my favorite subjects, and since I tend to be conservative in my beliefs, at least compared to people in NYC, I enjoy the opportunity to engage in these conversations, regardless of where people stand on the issues.

“PR,” the promoter, tells me I talk too much, that the customers are here to ‘f—k,’ but I tell PR that they also enjoy good conversation, which I am happy to provide. PR always tells the guys I’ll “talk” their “ear off,” but the guys like it. I would continue these conversations outside the club, even.

However, if we want to exchange contact info with any of the customers, we have to be discreet. Onie had a talk with us girls about not taking any guys’ contact information and meeting them away from the club. When we do that, it takes money from Onie’s pocket.

It’s different from my hostess dancing job in college. In that job, it was expected that you exchanged contact information with your customers. Sexual acts were not technically allowed at the club, though we all did them there, but it was more encouraged that sexual acts be done off-premise.

Also, in that job, it was good to spend a long time with a guy because that gave us more “minutes,” and we had to earn a certain number of minutes each week or we could get suspended. The club manager paid us according to the minutes we earned, and our customers tipped us equal in value to our minutes, sometimes more, depending on what we did physically and sexually with them.

The more I talked with my customers at my hostess dancing job, the more minutes I earned and the longer I prolonged having to do anything physical with them. So I learned that talking for a long time and then getting into the sexual acts later was the best way to maximize the money.

At Onie’s club, Onie pays us when the night is over, and our pay depends on how many girls are on the payroll that night and how many guys total showed up.

When I’m with a good-looking guy at Onie’s club, I like to have him spend as much time with me as possible because then I don’t have to be with the other guys as much, but Onie wants us to spend time with as many guys as possible. However, I often let the other girls pick up the slack, especially since they will do hand jobs and blow jobs, and I won’t do that.

But I do try to treat each guy with respect, even the ones I don’t think are as intelligent or as good-looking as someone I would normally want to spend time with.

But the guys say I am the most sought-after, and it appears to be true, because they will often wait in line for me. As I said, in my opinion, Gia is prettier than I am, but more guys try to get with me than with her.  Also, I don’t mean to brag, but there is something about me that makes sex with me so great without my having to do anything or exert any effort (and I am fundamentally lazy).   I guess it’s because I’m so tight down there, since I haven’t had any children.

I am just as tight as I was during my hostess dancing days, even though that was so long ago, and when men orgasm with me, they usually say it is one of the most intense orgasms they’ve ever had. I don’t know why this is the case, other than that I’m tight down there, because I don’t do anything. Of course, they could also be lying.

However, because of this, I do get men at Onie’s who fall for me quite easily, and there are a few I have exchanged contact information with. One guy, “Van,” is a black man who really fell in love with me. He calls me a “rock star” and says he will do anything for me.

I gave him my email address and afterwards, he emailed me and wanted to take me to lunch or dinner. I told him I was too busy with work and school and preparing to move because my roommates and I had to move to a new apartment. He told me he had a van and that he would take the day off whenever I had to move so he could help me move to the new place.

Another guy, “New,” was an Indian who lived in New Jersey, and immediately asked if I would be his girlfriend. He wasn’t the handsome dark-skinned Indian I had always imagined myself marrying. He had light skin but he was nice-looking and tall.

He also worked in finance, and I figured he might be someone who could afford to take me to “One Leg Up” parties and “Do You Know George?” parties.

However, I did not like sex with him. He kept wanting me to bite him and I hate putting my mouth against any part of a man, whether it’s their face or their chest. But after working at Onie’s club, I let New take me to dinner, and then I went home with him to Jersey. I was really hopeful he could take me to the “One Leg Up” and “DYKG” parties.

Now, “New” is a nice guy; I’m not just attracted to him and I don’t like sex with him and I don’t feel we have that much to talk about. But he offered to help me move as well, since he has a car.

When I had to move into our new apartment, Van helped me move the entire day, loading my things into his van and making the several necessary trips. He was so helpful and kind, and I was so impressed that he had given up an entire day, not to mention the cost of gas in driving his van, just to help me move. He had only met me once at Onie’s. Van is really a nice person.

“New” helped me move in the evening with his car, and he was very good at fitting the rest of my stuff in his car. He was also great about helping me clean out my old room.

I think my roommate was a little jealous because here I had two guys helping me move for free, one who gave up his entire day and one who gave up his entire night, and she had to hire movers and had no one to help her.

After New and I finished moving my stuff, I let him have sex with me, of course, but the whole time I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal! I love sex with Robert Hannibal, only with him!

But New is a nice guy and I did appreciate his help. He showed up again at Onie’s club a few days later and brought a friend with him.

After New left Onie’s, a good-looking Brazilian guy showed up. This Brazilian is someone who would be considered very sexy by most girls, and he spent all his time with me.

He was only in NYC for a week, so I knew he wasn’t an option to take me to “One Leg Up” parties, but I enjoyed his company. He was so nice because he waited for me to get off work at Onie’s (the smart, good-looking guys can always figure out that I’m getting paid for this).

Then he rode the subway with me all the way home uptown to my apartment. This was very kind of him, because I live far north, in the Heights, and then he had to go all the way back downtown.

I didn’t invite him to spend the night, but perhaps I should have, since he rode all the way with me, but I have a regular day job and I needed to be up at a decent time. Plus, he hadn’t done anything for me that I felt deserved extra sex. But I had a nice time with him at Onie’s club and I had fun riding the subway home with him.

I have met many nice guys at Onie’s, but I am particularly glad that I met two guys were helped me move for free. Moving is stressful, and the fact that I had such great help to move is due only to my work at Onie’s. Most of the men I’ve met thus far at Onie’s have been very nice.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

On January 13, 2011, I wrote about how much I love Robert Hannibal and I talked about our different “dates.” I thought writing about him would help purge him from me, but I still thought and think about him constantly.

PR, the promoter at Onie’s club, had arranged for me to go to one of his customer’s homes the night of Friday, January 14, 2011, and this guy would pay me the same amount I normally get at Onie’s just to be with him (Onie didn’t know, of course; he doesn’t like us seeing the customers outside of his club).

As I was preparing to meet this customer, I just felt sick and wished I could be with Robert Hannibal. I started thinking how when I have sex with any other guy I need to get paid, or I need to have another woman there, or at least get dinner out of it, to make it worth it.

But with Robert Hannibal, I am happy just to be with him and I don’t need anything other than him! But I also know that he has a wife and kids, and he only sees his time with me as his way to have sexual adventure. I want to make sure I am always the one he thinks of when he wants sexual adventure.

Robert Hannibal had said on Wednesday the 12th after our sensual massage date that he might be able to go out Saturday the 15th. I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent him an email and poured out my thoughts and wishes.

I didn’t hold back - almost, anyway. I asked him to let me know about Saturday and reminded him, referring to my contract deadline, that “i have only 2 1/2 months left to swing or to be with girls or with guys or to even make money.”

Then I told him not to go back to Onie’s club because he doesn’t pay us enough and that the twins and I wanted to make our own money.

Lastly, I said: “i thought about the main things i want to do before i have to stop with it all – I don't want to look back and i don't want to have any regrets: 1) the bi night at the club where it's an all-girl orgy with pretty girls; 2) ‘the one leg up’ party; 3) a 'do you know george' party; 4) tantra session; 5) attend all the different swing clubs in nyc.

“i know you don't have an obligation or responsibility to me but i've latched on to you and i want to maximize my swinging experience only with you. usually i don't like taking married men away from their families too much but since i'm on limited time i'm being more selfish.”

I couched my language in terms of the exciting sexual adventures I wanted to have before my contract was up, but really I was telling him I loved him. I didn’t care as much about doing all those things as I did about being with him.

Yes, it would be nice to experience a classy swing party, but I really only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. Since he was married, I could only see him when he wanted to go to a swing club, so I just had to make sure I was the one he chose when he wanted to go to places like that.

I checked my email on my iPhone continually, aching for him to respond. My friends were planning on having a movie night Saturday night, but I would abandon those plans if Robert Hannibal was able to go out.

Finally, he emailed me at 3:15pm on Saturday, the 15th: “Hey [Polly]; unable to get away this weekend.”

Of course not - he has a wife and kids. I wish I didn’t love him but I can’t help it – I am just so in love with him. I want to spend every minute with him but I also don’t want to take him away from his family. I want an alternate universe where I could be with him all the time.

I didn’t email him back, and I didn’t hear from him again until he suddenly emailed me on Wednesday, January 26, 2011: “This last week has been hectic. Things are a little crazy at the moment. I don't know if realistically I can facilitate everything on your ambitious wish list. Weekends are nigh impossible. If you find someone you're comfortable with for something like one leg up, go for it. I'm happy to accompany you whenever I'm free, otherwise.

“Any interest in checking out bi night in Brooklyn tomorrow? The club opens at 9 pm.”

I was so happy to hear from him again! It had been so long! I love the way he words things – I memorized that email.

I emailed him in response that I knew my wish list was ambitious but it’s better “to aim high than to aim low.” I also told him “of course” I would want to go to the bi club, but I was worried there might not be as much of a crowd due to the snow. We had had a snowstorm, but the truth was I didn’t care about a crowd. All I cared about was seeing Robert Hannibal.

But I wanted to respect the fact that he was married. I had been somewhat open in the past in saying that I would go to Onie’s only if he was there, but once I knew for sure that he was married, I felt bad saying things like that. The only person who should be so intent on seeing him, the only person who should love him is his wife.

It is one thing for me to have sex with him – if he is going to have sex with someone who is not his wife, then it might as well be me. But if I told him that I only wanted to see him and I didn’t care what we did as long as we were together, I thought it would be too emotional and would be disrespectful to his wife.

I also worried that he might get scared that I was too attached to him, and he might try to find someone else. As much as I thought he enjoyed being with me sexually, I knew he was only taking me to these places so he could explore his own sexual fantasies, since his wife didn’t want to go to those places anymore. I wanted to keep being the woman he would choose to go to these places with.

I knew he didn’t love me, but I hoped he almost loved me. I wanted him to love his wife, but I also wanted to be the second choice.

We ultimately decided we would go to the bi club another night when it wasn’t snowing, so on Thursday, January 27, we went back to Trapeze, the location of our first “date.”

When we were in the locker room changing into our towels, Robert Hannibal told me about his brother, and how they are so different. Robert Hannibal is the responsible one, the one with a good job (he works in finance), a wife and kids. His brother is more free-spirited, I guess. This just makes me love Robert Hannibal even more!

After we changed, we kept going upstairs, then back around, looking for couples, but of course I wasn’t going to find anyone I was attracted to, not when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Since it was a Thursday night and there was a lot of snow, there were not as many couples as the last time we went. I was so glad. That increased the chances that I could have Robert Hannibal to myself and wouldn’t have to share him with another woman or put up with another man myself.

Finally, Robert Hannibal and I ended up in the large downstairs room with mirrors on the walls and ceiling. He had us watch a couple where the man was rolling himself over the woman’s head and body. Robert Hannibal said he thought it was sexy, but I said I didn’t like that the man’s package was touching the woman’s hair; I thought it was disgusting.

Robert Hannibal just said, “It’s not your thing.” I love that he gets that about me. So many guys have not understood how disgusting I think their package is, how ugly and what a turn-off it is, how I don’t want to touch it and definitely not kiss it or suck it. The times I have done those things I have always felt so sick.

But Robert Hannibal gets it. At our first “date” at Trapeze, on Dec. 3, 2010, I told him I don’t go down on guys or give hand jobs, and he said, “I know.” He had observed me from the first night he met me at Onie’s club and knew that I didn’t like to touch men down there. He has never asked me to. I love him so much.

As we lay next to each other, me in his arms, I asked him if he would go back to Onie’s, and he said, probably not and that if he did, Kayla wouldn’t leave him alone and would want to keep him all to herself. I said, “I would do the same thing.” That’s the closest I could get to telling him how I feel about him. I feel too guilty to actually say the words that I love him.

Then we began kissing and having sex. He moved me in different positions, and ended up laying on top of my back and holding my right leg straight up against my side. I’ve always been very flexible and it doesn’t bother me to get moved around in different ways.

In my hostess dancing work in college, although I was much younger, I’m just as flexible now as I was back then. However, even if I wasn’t flexible, Robert Hannibal can move me anywhere and my body obeys willingly.

After we finished, Robert Hannibal told me we had “sexual chemistry.” Other men have told me this, but they were all wrong. They may have had sexual chemistry with me, but I had none with them.

But this time it was true. I have such sexual chemistry with Robert Hannibal. I love being with him so much. I still didn’t come or orgasm, but I don’t need to. I just love love love being with him.

I recalled the first night that we met, on Nov. 2, 2010, my first night of work at Onie’s club, and how we had sex twice, and both times were amazing. After the first time, he asked me if I was a Sagittarius or some other sign (I can’t remember), and when I said I was a Sagittarius, he said his best lovers were all either Sagittarius or whatever the other sign was.

That same night, my first night of work at Onie’s club and the first night I met Robert Hannibal, after the second time we had sex, another guy was going down on me, and he ended up with a condom in his mouth. Robert Hannibal realized that it was his condom, that it had come off during sex, and he looked at me intently and told me to let him know if anything happens.

I told him I wouldn’t get pregnant, so that wasn’t a problem, but I asked him if he was clean, because I was clean, and he answered that he was.

I have usually been careful, but there have been times in the past I didn’t use a condom, and I have had occasional pregnancy scares. The interesting thing is that I was never scared about the possibility of getting pregnant per se, but about getting pregnant by whoever the guy was.

I have never been able to imagine wanting to get pregnant unless by a dark-skinned guy who was smart, handsome, funny, and most importantly, a guy I genuinely liked and one who I enjoyed sex with, so that I could say the baby was conceived in love. I had never had sex with anyone who I wouldn’t mind getting pregnant by.

But my first night meeting Robert Hannibal, I knew that if by chance I got pregnant by him, I would want to keep the baby. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but he was the very first guy that I would want a baby with.

Now, here we were on our fifth date, and I thought about those events the first night we met. I thought how lucky his wife was to have children with him. To have him come home to her every night. To be able to share a bed with him. To be able to see him every single day. How I wanted that for myself with him!

But Robert Hannibal wasn’t content to bask as long in post-coital bliss as I was. He took me upstairs to find some couples, but I just wanted to go home now that I’d gotten to have sex with the best lover in the whole world.

He had us go in all the rooms and most of the couples were older. None were attractive to me. But I didn’t want to upset him and I wanted to still be the woman he would choose to take to these places, so I tried to go along.

In one room, there was an older couple, probably in their 50’s or 60’s, amidst a few other couples. The man started going down on me and the woman and Robert Hannibal started kissing. Seeing him kiss this woman, this older, unattractive woman, on the lips, was too much for me. I pulled away from the man and ran downstairs.

Robert Hannibal followed me and asked me if I was okay, and I told him I really don’t like being with people who are so much older. I couldn’t tell him how much it bothered me, and hurt me, to see him kiss another woman. I could handle it when he touched their bodies, but kissing them was altogether too intimate and I couldn’t handle it.

It wasn’t just that I was jealous seeing him kiss another woman - though that was the main part - it was that if he was going to be with a woman who wasn’t his wife, she should be attractive. I felt like it was okay for him to be with me, because I am attractive. But to be with older, unattractive women is insulting not only to me but also to his wife.

I realized as much as I was intrigued by the classy swinger’s parties like “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George?”, I didn’t want to go to those with Robert Hannibal. I wanted to enjoy the spectacle of such parties and be with tons of women, but if I was with Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t enjoy myself at the parties because I would only want to be with him and I would get jealous of any other women he would be with.

I decided I should meet someone at Onie’s club who could take me to those parties. Men at Onie’s club were always asking to go out with me, and I just needed to find one who I thought could take me to these classy, upscale swing parties.

With Robert Hannibal, I would be content to just continue going to Trapeze or Carousel on weekday nights where there weren’t as many couples and where my odds were better at keeping him to myself.

We left Trapeze and he put me in a cab. He told me that we would need to develop a code so that if I ever felt uncomfortable with someone, I could let him know and he could get me out of the situation. I wish I could tell him that I only want to be with him, and no one else!

But I can’t. I don’t want to lose my privilege of going out with him, even if it’s only to swing clubs where he doesn’t even want to be alone with me. If that is the only way I can see him, so be it.

When I got in the cab, I kept thinking how his wife is the luckiest woman in the world, but as long as I am the second choice, I am the second luckiest woman.

The Other Women Working at Onie’s club – Feb. 2, 2011

I feel kind of guilty because these guys are going to Onie’s club in anticipation of this wild group sex with lots of women who love men and can’t get enough of them. And yet all of us women are paid to be there and to “keep the room moving.”

The other girls who work there all wear lingerie but I just wear the standard white towel that all the guys wear. Onie provides the towels, so I don’t understand why the girls would want to waste wearing their own lingerie for this job.

For one, the girls complain about losing their underwear, and since I don’t wear anything under the towel, I don’t have to worry about losing anything. Also, I feel like lingerie should be worn only for special occasions, for special people. This job is a job.

Most of the other women at this job are not very attractive to me. I think they’re nice and funny, but I’m not attracted to most of them. They’ve all gone down on me, though, and they are quite good.

In fact, one time when the other girls were all around me, touching and kissing me, and the guys were watching as one of the girls went down on me, I moaned a little. Kayla, the older white woman in her mid 40’s, said, “that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a sound out of her!”

Which is true. When I’m having sex I never make a sound. It’s not that I try not to make a sound, but no sound comes out because I don’t feel anything. If the guy is pushing too hard I tell him it hurts, but that’s it.

Even with Robert Hannibal, who I love, I don’t make a sound. But with Robert Hannibal, my heart does race, and I do cling to him. Always, I make love to him. But he still doesn’t get me to come or orgasm. But I don’t need to with him. Just being with him is enough! Robert Hannibal is all I need.

Most of the guys who go to Onie’s tell me I’m the prettiest one there and they say they can’t get over how beautiful and sexy I am. One guy who I ended up going home with because he offered me money, and he wasn’t disgusting (he was young and reasonably cute and Asian and funny and smart), told me when we were at the club that I was a “hot commodity.” He knew we were getting paid (the smarter guys usually figure it out), and he told me I should get paid more than the other girls.

Now, although my whole life I have always been considered cute and/or pretty, and sometimes beautiful, that doesn’t mean I was considered one of the prettiest girls.  I wasn’t.  So, so many of the girls who attended church and school with me were very, very pretty, much prettier than I was.

I really feel like the quantity of pretty girls I’ve gone to church and to school with is astounding.  And I attended many different schools and wards (LDS congregations) because my family moved around so much, but somehow there were always so many pretty girls, my own age and older.

I cannot even count how many girls I had crushes on when I was growing up (usually very painful crushes, and all unrequited), on girls in school and in church.  Over the course of my life, I have had several guys ask me if Mormon girls are always so pretty and the answer I always give them is an emphatic YES!

So I have enough common sense and self-awareness to know that the same holds true today, even as I'm older and in grad school.  If any of these guys who go to Onie's parties went to my church or my school, they would see that I may be pretty, but I am not one of the prettiest ones. There are some absolutely stunning and beautiful and hot girls, especially at my school.  I am not even close to being as good-looking as some of the Indian girls at my school.  They are simply gorgeous.

Plus, outside of Onie’s parties, or any sexual situations, I dress like a schoolmarm, a sensible shoes-wearing librarian-type. When I’m naked I look better, because my dowdy clothes take away from my attractiveness.

But in this situation at Onie’s club, I have the best body and arguably the prettiest face. It’s all relative.  I take it in stride.

Though in my own mind, I think “Gia,” a light-skinned black girl, has the prettiest face. Her features are so petite and feminine while my features are huge and masculine, with my manly lesbian jaw.

Also, if Gia just lost a little weight in her hips and legs and stomach, she would have a better body than me. She’s not fat at all, but she’s had a few kids. I’m probably the only woman working in this capacity at Onie’s club who hasn’t had any kids, so of course I'm going to have the best body. I'm lucky that I have an hourglass shape, but I sure could tone up. Considering I haven't had any children, I should be much more toned.

Gia and I have had a few threesomes together, and I love being with her. The job is so much better when I can be involved with the other women! I think Gia is the best-looking woman at the job, but I’m really most intensely attracted to the twins.

The twins are “Cinnamon” and “Desire,” and they are light-skinned black twin sisters who everyone says look like Tia and Tamara Mowry, the stars of that TV show, “Sister, Sister” (though to me, they are much prettier than Tia and Tamara). I really, really, really like these girls! I have so much fun with them and I am so attracted to them. They are each such sensual lovers. So sensual.

They keep their sexual distance from each other, being that they’re sisters, but as long as I get to be with one or the other of them, I have a great time at work. I really love being with him. I just want to keep kissing them over and over.

I’m closer with Desire but I love them both. Desire calls me her “smart beauty,” – I love that she has a nickname for me. I am so attracted to her – I just cannot get enough of her.

A few weeks ago, the night of January 13 at about 3:30am (technically January 14), the twins and I walked to the subway together after leaving work at Onie’s club. We were discussing who are the best lovers at Onie’s club.

I immediately said, “Robert Hannibal,” and the twins asked if he was the guy who looks like John Legend. Robert Hannibal is so, so, so, so much better looking than John Legend! But yes, I suppose some might say he looks like John Legend, but to me he doesn’t. Robert Hannibal only looks like himself, and he is perfect.

The twins said Robert Hannibal and another guy were the two best lovers at the club, but I insisted that only Robert Hannibal was a good lover. The absolute best. I confessed that I was in love with him, and they asked if Kayla knew, because Kayla was in love with him too.

I told them that Robert Hannibal has taken me to couples-only swing clubs on three different dates, and he’s never taken Kayla anywhere. I told the twins that the night before, in fact, Robert Hannibal had taken me to get a couple’s sensual massage for our fourth date, and I told them how I was jealous of the masseuse.

I told them that even though I knew he was married, I wanted him all to myself when I got to see him. But I knew his wife was first in his life.

As we were in the subway station, we ran into a Jewish guy I had met at a Mormon BBQ. I love seeing people randomly, especially on the subway. He asked where we were heading from and we just said, “a party.”

This conversation reminded me of my hostess dancing job in college, where I couldn’t tell anyone where I actually worked. Why can’t what I do in my part-time job be socially accepted (and legal)?

The twins and I also talked about starting our own business and making more money. Onie, the owner of Onie’s clubs, doesn’t pay us as much as we should get, so we are trying to figure out a way to make more money on our own.

For me, again, this is only temporary – my contract ends March 31, 2011 and then I have to start living like a temple-worthy Mormon. I will miss the easy money I get by having sex with men, I will miss being with women, especially Gia and Cinnamon and Desire, and of course I will miss being with Robert Hannibal most of all!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Part 6 – Not a Lesbian Anymore(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

After my two times meeting Robert Hannibal at Onie's club, and then my four subsequent dates with him, I now knew for sure that I wasn’t a lesbian.

All my life I have only found women attractive and could never see what women saw in men other than the ability to raise social status. Yet I always knew that the best fit for society to function was not two women together or two men together or even one man and many women or vice versa.

(For much of my life, in fact, I had even held out the hope that plural marriage would come back to the Mormon church somehow, and then I could have a sanctioned marriage but still get to have sex with women, with my sister-wives. But realistically, I knew that would never happen. Our church really believes in one man/one woman marriage).

I wondered when, how, I would find a man I would want to marry, and now I have finally found a man I would absolutely love to marry! But he’s already married.

But how I love him! And how he makes me forget about women! I always wanted a husband who could do that for me. There has to be another one – Robert Hannibal can’t be the only man who can do that for me – that would be too cruel!

Now I realize that I cannot call myself a lesbian because now I know what it's like to like a guy. So no matter what, my view of homosexuality has changed. I had always believed in the possibility of change, that what I and others deal with are tendencies, and when we act on these tendencies, they grow, of course. But if we don't feed those tendencies, they can shrink, and we can grow other tendencies. And now I have proof that it's true.

So I'm telling you all this to say that I understand that everything I did that led me to Robert Hannibal - working at a club where I am paid to have sex with multiple men and where my only enjoyment is when I am with the other girls at the club - are all sins.

And even seeing Robert Hannibal in a swing setting is a sin, and just having sex with him outside of marriage is a sin, and the fact that he is married makes it even more of a sin, but I don't regret any of it. I have never known what it's like to really like a guy - I didn't know it was possible for me to actually like a guy. And I definitely never thought it was possible for me to actually like having sex with a guy!

So if it took me doing all these sinful things in order for me to realize that I actually *can* like a guy, then I think Heavenly Father can understand. I'm not saying He would ever condone sin - He couldn't, or He would cease to be G-d. But I think He knows what's going to happen and what decisions we are going to make and that, yes, I would make these decisions but these decisions would enable me to realize that I am capable of really, really, really liking a man. Of loving a man.

Because I really, really, really like Robert Hannibal. I love him so much. I think of him all the time. And this gives me hope to actually marry a man I could like and that my sexual life with him could be fulfilling. I was always afraid that if I got married to a man I would always miss women and would never be able to really connect with my husband sexually.

But after being with Robert Hannibal, and actually liking being alone with him and actually preferring to be alone with him, I know it's possible.

So that is my story. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that there is another guy out there who can fulfill me the same way - sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. There only needs to be one other guy. As long as the other guy isn't married, that is, so I can marry him!

Then I can finally be a normal Mormon woman and have a normal, temple marriage.

Part 5 – The First Threesome I Didn’t Want(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

A few days after Christmas, on Dec. 29, Robert Hannibal texted me and said he hoped my Christmas was good and then he said, “2 weeks until tantra!” I was so glad he had thought of me over Christmas break. Of course I had thought of him constantly, but I couldn’t expect the same level of attention from him, a married father. I was excited about the tantra club, but more excited about seeing him.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a about a week and a half, so on Jan. 11 I emailed him to ask him when the tantra club would open, and he said he hadn’t gotten any confirmation that it was happening, but he would check again.

Then he sent me another email: “If you're up for it, we could do a sensual massage session this evening. There is lovely lady who will do a 90 min couples session.” And he said it would be a 15-minute bus ride but of course I would go any distance to see him. I told him I had never had a sensual massage before in a couples situation before.

The woman was attractive, probably in her late 40’s, and said she preferred giving sensual massages to couples rather than single men. I felt guilty because we weren’t a real couple and she asked if we were married or boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no, and Robert Hannibal said we were “sexual adventurers.”

She still took this to mean we were a couple of sorts, but I knew what Robert Hannibal meant. I am simply his partner in seeking sexual adventure. Yet could I ask to be anything more than that, knowing that he’s married? I should just be glad I get to be with him.

The masseuse said she wouldn’t engage in sex herself, but of course Robert Hannibal and I were free to do so. We laid down on the bed, facedown and naked, while she was on top of us. The massage was nice and sensual and she had a very nice touch. Robert Hannibal saw me smile at something she did, and he made some comment, like, “someone’s happy.” She played more with me than with him, and it was fun.

Robert Hannibal went down on me and then asked the masseuse if he could lick her as well, and I was glad when she said no. But she stimulated Robert Hannibal and then he and I had sex. The masseuse was involved and it was a nice threesome, but she was more involved with me than with him. I was glad. If she had been more involved with him than with me, I would have been jealous, but for the first time I would have been jealous of the woman and not the man.

But I did find myself getting jealous of her that he was touching her while he was having sex with me. I realized that I would have preferred to have been alone with Robert Hannibal! That is something I never thought I would ever wish, to be alone with a man instead of having a woman there! But I wished the other woman wasn't there and that it was just me and Robert Hannibal.

Afterwards, she said we could shower and I thought Robert Hannibal would shower with me, but he spent the entire time I was in the shower talking with the masseuse. This made me so upset. I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe how upset I was. I guess there is no way I can deny that I really like him. I still can’t quite believe it. But I really do. I really love him.

When we left her apartment, I was still so mad and I can’t hide how I feel so I just told the masseuse “bye” but I couldn’t say “thank you.” Although she had a great touch and had enabled Robert Hannibal and me to have another amazing sexual experience, I couldn’t thank her because at the end he was with her instead of with me.

When we were on the bus back to the city, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was expecting a real massage for muscle tension with a sensual flare added. I told him I had had real massages that were also sensual, given either by another woman or by a man, and I thought that’s what she was going to do – give a real massage to get knots out but also make it sensual.

He told me most people who are trained as massage therapists might not do the sensual part as well, but I told him I had had it in individual situations. I also told him I wasn’t attracted to her – I wanted someone more feminine. Not that the woman was unfeminine. I was just unhappy because Robert Hannibal had not showered with me but had talked to the woman instead.

But how could I tell him that? I had no claim on him. He was another woman’s husband. I was just his “sexual adventure” partner. And I realized if I kept up a bad attitude, he wouldn’t even want to share any more sexual adventures with me. So I changed the subject and talked about bright, cheerful subjects. I was so happy when he said he might be able to go to another swing club on Saturday night with me, but he wasn’t sure. I was so happy at the prospect of possibly seeing him again so soon!

He told me about another elegant swing party, similar to the “One Leg Up” parties, but this party was called “Do you know George.” He said that he and his wife were actually going to go to this party for New Year’s Eve, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought of how lucky his wife was, to have the opportunity to get to go to these fancy swing parties and see beautiful women but get to go home with the best lover in the world.

I wondered why his wife didn’t want to go to those parties anymore, but I didn’t ask him. I could understand if she just wanted Robert Hannibal to herself – who wouldn’t? But I gathered that she and he were not as intimate as they once were, though I didn’t ask him that either. Sometimes I want to know everything about his wife, who I think is the luckiest woman in the world, and sometimes I don’t want to know anything about her.

When we were at the subway station, I told him to let me know about this Saturday, and he said he would see, but he had to live his “regular life too.” I told him about my deadline, that I had to get all this done by April 1st, and that I called all of this my “shadow life.” He laughed, and I told him that since I'm on limited time, I’m willing to have my “shadow life” dig into my “real life” a little. But really, I just wanted more time with him, but didn’t say so. I just told him I really wanted to go to a “One Leg Up” party before my deadline. Then we parted ways.

The whole subway ride home I thought about Robert Hannibal and how being in the very situation I had been searching for back in August 2010, namely a sensual threesome, had happened that night and I didn’t want it. I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. It was amazing that a man could make me not want to be with another woman.

A woman right next to me, kissing me, touching me, and I didn’t want it. I only wanted Robert Hannibal!

(1/13/2011) - Part4 – The Contract - Remember Lot’s Wife

Because I realized I was in love with Robert Hannibal but also that there was no future with him, I felt a mass of friction inside me. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, but I didn’t want to take him away from his wife and kids. Though if he was feeling restless and needing sexual adventure, and would be away from his family anyway, then I wanted to be the one he would be with. I would put up with partner swaps. I would put up with whatever he wanted in his sexual restlessness, just so I could be with him.

Yet as I said earlier, in August when I first began my quest to have more women and to experience swinging, it was done with the idea that this would be my last time engaging in sexual transgression. I really do believe in the Mormon Church, and I do want to be a fully committed Mormon, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any regrets. I didn’t want to look back – “Remember Lot’s wife.”

Also, I had only been attracted to women and had only loved women, and thought that I was a lesbian inside. When I first went to the temple, it was before I had ever really dated a girl or done anything other than French kiss a girl (which happened when I was 11). At my hostess dancing job my last semester in college, some of the other girls would flirt a bit and play around a bit, but I never really had anything substantial with any of them. So when I went to the temple the first time, I had repented of my hostess dancing work with men and was completely woman-less, but made the temple covenants to be completely chaste and only have any kind of sexual relations within the bonds of marriage.

However, the night after I went through the temple to make these covenants, and after my family had left, I came home and cried. I still had feelings for women and they seemed stronger than ever. I tore my garments off, and that’s a huge thing because garments are very sacred - they symbolize the covenants we make in the temple. We are supposed to treat garments, and our temple covenants, very reverently.

But I was so mad. I cursed at G-d and yelled at him and said it wasn’t fair that I had never gotten to be with a woman and now here I had made these covenants and I couldn’t break them. I was so upset that I would never get to really be with a woman. I cried and swore all night, with my garments on the floor.

But the next morning, I wore my garments, and for the next eight months I lived a temple-worthy life. But after eight months, “Dee” and I had our first night together, and thus I broke my temple covenants. That was not quite a decade ago, and I have never been temple-worthy since.

Now, with this new decision to be a fully committed Mormon, I would go back to the temple and be temple-worthy , but I didn’t want to have another night like I did my first night after going through the temple. This time I wanted to be fully prepared and know that I have done everything sexual I could possibly do so that I would have no regrets. I decided that when I went back to the temple again, I wanted to be completely and full committed. I didn’t want to ever break temple covenants again once I made them.

As every temple-worthy Mormon is supposed to aim for temple marriage, I knew that’s what I needed to aim for and really desire. I’ve never been able to picture myself married to a man, but I’ve always known it’s the right thing to do. And I’ve always wanted to be a mother – more than anything else.

With my advancing age, I knew that time to be a mother is running out, and I also knew that being a single mother would not be the best situation for my kids. I should marry a man I could marry in the temple, and raise children with, in the Mormon church. That would be my new life – complete, and no looking back.

I thus wanted to have experience with enough women so that I could forget about women once I was married, and I wanted to have sex with enough men so that at least one of them could get me to orgasm. If that happened, I reasoned I would see men as sexual beings and wouldn’t be so disgusted with them. Then I could really be married to a man in the temple and have a decent sex life with him.

I didn’t want to spend more than a year living this “shadow life,” and I had decided that April 1, 2011, would be a good time to start living a temple-worthy life. It takes a year of living temple-worthy after one has had sexual relations outside of marriage, which meant I could go back to the temple in April 2012. I chose this date because one of my good Mormon friends, “Jane”, wants me to be her Maid of Honor or bridesmaid if she marries a certain guy and it wouldn’t be the same if I can’t go in the temple. Also, the Mormon Church has General Conference in April, which is always a good time to be starting anew.

I knew that giving up my job at Onie’s club would not be hard, other than missing out on getting such easy money. I really do like the easy money. But I know G-d sees my job as wrong, even though I have never understood why. Prostitution has always made sense to me. But to be honest, I wouldn’t really miss the work itself, even the orgy situations. They are old news to me. And none of the women I've been with here in NYC  have had a huge effect on me.

So the only thing I would miss would be sex with Robert Hannibal. I would miss it so much!

“Jane,” my Mormon friend who wants me to be her Maid of Honor, is very understanding of those who vary from the traditional Mormon culture, and she’s also very picky when it comes to men. She does not fall in love easily, so I told her about Robert Hannibal and how he is the first man I’ve ever been in love with. I didn’t tell her this is because I always only loved girls before and thought I was a lesbian – I do not like telling my female friends about my same-sex attraction - but I just told her I don’t fall in love easily, and since she doesn’t either, she could related to me.

As she asked me more questions about Robert Hannibal, I had to admit that he was married, but I explained that he and his wife are swingers. (Robert Hannibal never told me that his wife condones his gallivanting about, but he also never told me explicitly that she even knows about it, so I prefer to think of it as tacit understanding – I don’t want to think that I am contributing to cheating, although I certainly have in many, many other situations, but with Robert Hannibal I just love him so much and I don’t want to ruin his marriage, and I don’t want to think of him as an adulterer, and I can rationalize that it’s not cheating if the wife knows).

Jane thought that was so strange to be in love with a married man, and a swinger at that, but I told her I fell in love with him before I knew he was married.

I told her this wouldn’t last forever, and probably only a few months, but I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be with a man that I actually love! It’s never happened before! I told her I planned on ending it April 1, 2011, and she promptly got out a piece of paper and wrote a contract.

Jane does not approve of any kind of sex outside marriage, so of course I didn’t tell her about my job at Onie’s. I was a little worried the contract would be too specific, like only referring to Robert Hannibal and not my job at Onie’s or my desire for women, but, fortunately, she wrote the contract to be as broad as possible.

Dated January 2, 2011, the contract states: “I, [Polly Yobek], will not purposely do anything that could keep me outside of the temple after March 31, 2011.” Then she had me sign it, and she signed it as a “Witness.”

So that is the contract. Like I said, I will not miss anything other than sex with Robert Hannibal. Not even being with women, which is amazing in itself.

I know G-d can’t condone any kind of sin, I understand that, but I also think He knows us so well, since He is our Father, and He knows everything we will do. He knew I would want to get all this out of my system before going back to the temple, and He knew I would accidentally go to Onie’s club the first time, thinking it was a lesbian night, and He knows how greedy I am with money so He knew I would take the job there.

And Robert Hannibal had been attending Onie’s club often prior to my starting work there, so G-d knew I would meet Robert Hannibal my first night. And G-d knew I would be attracted to Robert Hannibal. He knew I would fall in love with Robert Hannibal, which I have. G-d knew that my love for Robert Hannibal would overtake my love for women, which it has.

Robert Hannibal and Dee, my first real girlfriend, are the two people I have loved more than anyone else. If I can love a man as much as I can love Dee, which is how much I love Robert Hannibal, then I can love a man! I can be married to a man!

So even if G-d cannot condone my being a prostitute and adulterer and swinger, He will be happy when I’m actually married in the temple to a man I love. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that it can happen. Out of billions of men in the world, it only takes two for me to love – 1. Robert Hannibal, just so that I know it’s possible for me and that I’m not totally a lesbian, and 2. One for me to marry.

Part 3 – Dates (3c – Third Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

The Sunday after our Wednesday date, I emailed him and said I had fun and asked him if he wanted to go to any clubs this week. He said there was “better out there,” and mentioned a place called “Checkmates.” And he sent me a link to a Jamaican dancehall video in reference to my classmate’s project.

On Tuesday he emailed and said he may stop by Onie’s, the club where I work and where we met. I had a school event that night so was not able to work that night, but I emailed him this: “But let me know if you decide to go and I'll go just when you are there and I won't get paid.”

Then at 9:30, he said he would just go home instead, but at 10pm he emailed again and said he changed his mind and was going to Onie’s. I was kind of upset – I had basically told him straight up that I would go in to work only to see him, and not even get paid for it, and I felt he should have given me more notice. It would take me half an hour to get to Onie’s from school, which means I wouldn’t get there until 10:30pm, and the club closed at 11pm. I was kind of embarrassed to show up at my place of work just to be with Robert Hannibal, so I didn’t go at all.

He emailed me the next day and said Onie’s “was so ghetto. I'm over it; would have been a waste for you. How about this tonight?” and included a link to a tantra club. I was so excited, but we discovered that the tantra place was closed until after the new year.

We exchanged a few more emails throughout the week. Then, on Dec. 21st, I emailed him to see if he was going to Onie’s, and he replied: “No, the last time I went was really disappointing. The quality of the crowd has really deteriorated. I spent most my time talking to [Bartender].
I'd much prefer to hang out with you separately and explore different more mutually appealing scenes..
I'm curious - what does [Onie] usually give you? I can help offset that.”
I was so happy at this email. I told him I would prefer that too (of course I would!) and told him how much I usually get paid at Onie’s. He responded: “Sounds good. I'm limited through year end but don't mind treating a hard working student.”

Then he made a date for us to go back to Carousel the next night, another Wednesday. I was so happy. I would get paid just to be with the most amazing man in the world! (In my hostess dancing job that I had my last semester of college, when I would go out on dates with my customers, whether to a hotel or just a restaurant, I always got paid. But with this new job at Onie’s, I had only gone out with the shy divorced Filipino, and didn’t get paid. A week after this date with Robert Hannibal, I did go home with one of the customers at Onie’s, and did spend the night and get paid, but before this date with Robert Hannibal, I had not done so. And I hadn’t gotten paid for any of my dates with Robert Hannibal, but I didn’t need to. I just loved being with him so much. But now, if he wanted to pay me to be with him, that would make it even better! Getting paid to have the most amazing sex with the most wonderful man in the whole world! )

As we were emailing back and forth I told him he would have to text me because my iPhone was stolen. Then he sent me an email saying he was sorry to hear that, and another email a few hours later saying that he had misplaced my number. I was so sad at that point. If he really cared about me and was not married, he would not have misplaced my number. If he was married, then it didn’t matter if he cared about me or not, but it would certainly make sense that he would have lost my number.

But I was too excited to see him again to worry about that. There were even fewer people there at Carousel that night, probably because it was the Wednesday right before Christmas. We walked around for a bit and upon seeing not many people there, and no couples really, we went in the room with the large bed and closed the door.

I will always remember that night. When we started having sex, and beginning, middle, and end with him is always amazing, I just felt myself go. He turned me over at one point and as I looked back at him, I saw the expression on his face. He was so completely overcome. I’ve seen other men have that expression when they’re with me but the way Robert Hannibal’s face looked was even more overcome. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I felt such compassion and love for him at that moment, more even than I usually feel for him. After he orgasmed, he lay on top of me, my back to his front, and said softly, in almost a whisper, his breath to the back of my neck, “Oh, [Polly, Polly].”

Hearing him say my name like that meant more than when anyone else has said it, with the exception of my ex-girlfriend “Dee.” I was completely in love. I had known for awhile that I was falling in love with him, and definitely that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know how to fully own up to those facts. I had never been attracted to a man before, had never loved a man before. I didn’t know how to process it. But I loved loving him. And I felt so much love for him.

I guess sex with him is so amazing because it is really making love. Whether he is making love to me or having sex, it feels like he’s making love. Maybe every woman feels that with him. But when I’ve seen him at Onie’s club or at Trapeze, he is usually standing or kneeling when he’s having sex – with me, our bodies are intertwined. I do feel like it’s making love. Regardless, I am making love to him. And I’ve never made love to a man before.

After awhile, the owner of the club knocked on the door and said we weren’t allowed to close the door here. I was glad he hadn’t interrupted us earlier. As Robert Hannibal and I were getting dressed, I asked him questions about his kids (a girl and boy). He talked about how his kids were so excited because his mother was coming to stay with them for Christmas. “Grandma’s here!” he told me his kids will say, and they will wake up so early just to see her. I fell even more in love with him at that. He was such a good father to his children.

I always feel more compassion for men who are fathers. “Dan,” the lazy Filipino into group sex, disgusted me at first but when I saw how he was with his son and two daughters, I felt so much compassion for him. Something about fatherhood always softens me, and I just thought how lucky Robert Hannibal’s children were to have such a great father.

I was more in love with Robert Hannibal the more he talked about his kids, and the more he talked about them, the more I was sure he wasn’t married. So I finally had courage to ask him if he was married. I was fully expecting him to say he was divorced, or he was married but they were separated and were getting a divorce. But he just said, “yes.”

I didn’t miss a beat and said we should all do a threesome! I asked how long they’d been married (seven years) and asked what his wife looked like (white, European-looking). We went out to the common area and sat on one of the chairs, me sitting on his lap, and I asked him more questions. Apparently, he and his wife used to swing together, but now she’s busy “being a mom.” (“That’s important,” I told him, “She should be.”). He also said that his wife didn’t like white men (“She sounds like me,” I said). I told him he was lucky to have a wife who was cool with swinging, even if she wasn’t into it right now. At least they had in the past. “You know how many husbands would want that?” I said. I told him again I wanted a threesome with his wife, and he said he wasn’t sure his wife was in the right headspace for it, but it was a possibility.

He told me married life is different. He mentioned some TV program he and his wife were watching that said something about two people who live in the same house and don’t have sex and his wife said, “just like a married couple!” Robert Hannibal laughed when he told me this.

Now, many of the men at my hostess dancing job in college were married, and so I had already developed some compassion and understanding for married men in general, and the sexual frustrations they often feel in their marriage. My hostess dancing work taught me not to completely blame the men who committed adultery – there was usually more to the story. I figured Robert Hannibal and his wife were in the “Seven Year Itch” phase of their marriage, where sex has gotten stale, especially for him, if he is used to wild swing parties with his wife in the past.

I felt lucky to be able to be with Robert Hannibal, even if there was no future with him. This is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever enjoyed having sex with, the first man I’ve ever been in love with. But I didn’t want to tell him any of this. I felt like it would be disrespectful to his wife. I care about his wife, because she is the woman married to the man I love, the one that he chose.

In the past when I wanted a threesome, it was for me to be able to have a woman in a socially accepted situation. Even when married men would flirt with me, I would always imagine having a threesome with the wife. A threesome was the way for me to deal with the man but get to have the woman at the same time.

But in this case I didn’t want the threesome for the woman. I wanted it to legitimize being with Robert Hannibal, to make it not be cheating. A threesome would be a way of me getting to have Robert Hannibal in an open share with his wife. It would be a compromise. I couldn’t have him to myself, and I didn’t want to take him away from his wife, when it came down to it. But if we could both have him together…

Plus, I felt like Robert Hannibal’s wife and I had so much in common. Neither of us like white men, although we are both white ourselves. As for me, though, I don’t like black men either. I don’t like men in general, but I’ve always felt someone with brown skin, probably from South Asia, would be the most attractive to me. Robert Hannibal has brown skin but is from Jamaica, yet he doesn’t seem black to me. His features are not African. He is just him.

Before Robert Hannibal put me in a cab that night, he showed me a picture of his wife holding his son. It wasn’t a good picture of her, so I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like, but his little son had nice dark skin. “He has my complexion,” Robert Hannibal said. He’s such a good father!

Then I told him I still wanted to go to the “One Leg Up” parties, and he said the parties were on the weekends, and he added, “I can’t be your guy.” But he said during the week, we could still go to places together. It was almost a relief to know that he was in fact married and there is no future with him, and I think he was glad he could now be open about it as well. But it didn’t stop me from loving him.

We smiled and kissed and told each other, “Merry Christmas.” He said he would contact me after the holidays. I didn’t even ask him what he meant when he had emailed that he could “help offset” the money I get at Onie’s club – I didn’t care about being paid when I was with him. I just loved him so much.

I resolved to just enjoy the time I had with him. When I first started trying to get into this swinging world, back in August 2010, I knew my time would be short because I eventually wanted to go back fully and completely in the Mormon church. I just wanted to get this out of my system, especially being with women, because once I was totally back in the church, I would only be able to have sex with my husband. I never expected I’d be able to enjoy sex with my husband, but I know I could tolerate it.

But having met Robert Hannibal, I thought there must be another man out there that I could really love. The Lord would not be so cruel as to make the only man I could love be one who was already married.