Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My Response to "In Defense of Cynthia Nixon"


i agree with this. cynthia nixon has a right to express her own feelings. i went through the opposite situation - i only was attracted to women, but then i fell in love with a man.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Still Working at Onie’s Club – written March 5, 2011

Everytime I work at “Onie’s” club I am amazed that this is where I met Robert Hannibal. Who would have thought that my NSA swinger job would lead me to the first man I have ever been attracted to! Especially when I look at all the other men who go to Onie’s – some of the other women who work here with me will point out certain guys that they think are cute or that they want to have sex with and I still don’t understand it. How can anyone like any guy unless the guy is Robert Hannibal?

Not that the guys who go to Onie’s are so bad. It’s just that Robert Hannibal is so amazing. I wish he would go to Onie’s more often, but he has such a busy life with work and his family, that he can’t make it very often.

But I am so glad to have the extra money I make at Onie’s club, and the work is so easy. And I have met many interesting guys here. My goal this whole time has been to find one who will take me to a One Leg Up party – and it looks like I will finally get to go!

“New,” the Indian who lives in New Jersey who wanted me to be his girlfriend and who met me here at Onie’s, early on lost his status as a contender for One Leg Up. About a month ago, he told me he was not really comfortable with group sex, or even with threesomes, so I didn’t bother to tell him about One Leg Up.

But he told me he wants to take me to India in May! I love India and have been fascinated with that country for as long as I can remember. But I don’t feel like New and I have much in common as far as dating goes. Or even conversation! He’s very smart and works in Wall Street, and he speaks English well and he’s tall and nice-looking, I guess, but I get so bored with him. But if I’m in India, who cares if “New” bores me? I will be in India!

However, I was awarded a fellowship that will take me abroad the end of May and beginning of June, and with school getting out mid-May, going to India will be hard for me to pull off in May. But I still keep seeing New because perhaps we can go to India in June or something, or I can fit the trip in between school and the fellowship. We don’t talk about details – he just says he wants to take me to India with him in May and I say, “I’ve always loved India!”

I let New take me out to dinner and to movies and I let him sleep with me. I usually spend the night at his place in New Jersey on the weekends, and since he has such a big bed it is much more comfortable than my little tiny excuse for a bed. Last night, for instance, we saw a movie and I spent the night, and then today he took me to Edison, New Jersey for lunch. He told me he was trying to give me a break from all my studying.

But he doesn’t understand that I love my school! I love being at school. I don’t need a break from it, and definitely not a break with him. We seriously do not have anything to talk about.

And the whole time we were driving to Edison I asked him how far it was, and he said it wasn’t too far, but I didn’t get back to campus until 4pm! I was so annoyed. I had so much I needed to read and wanted to get it done and still make it to [a church friend]’s birthday party tonight.

But I just kept thinking of a trip to India. New knows he is not the only guy I see. I have told New that I am in love with a married guy who I am still seeing. And I still work at Onie’s club, which means I have sex with lots of men. But I am also still interested in going to India! So as long as New continues to be okay with me still seeing Robert Hannibal and working at Onie’s, I’ve got a free trip to India in May!

New hasn’t gone back to Onie’s club, but recently there was a couple there, and so I got involved with both the guy and the girl of the couple. Having a couple with a cute girl always makes the job more endurable. But couples don’t go to Onie’s very often, and they rarely come back if they do.

Also, I met a guy, “Finance News Guy,” this past Tuesday, March 1, who used to work for [News Organization] and now works in finance. Onie specifically introduced me to Finance News Guy, who spent as much time with me as he could, even after he had sex with me, though other guys were with me as well.

Finance News Guy said he would be willing to help me with my career when I graduate. I didn’t exchange contact info with him, but since Onie knows him, I’m sure he’ll be back. Finance News Guy is most certainly married with kids, and looks like a sweet nice man, in his 40’s with light brown hair, who no one would ever suspect of going to a swinger’s club.

I have found that many of the men I have met at Onie’s fit this description, of an atypical attendee at a swinger’s club. Most notably Robert Hannibal!

This same night I met an ex-Mormon, “Ex-Mormon,” and he was really fun to talk to. I even invited him to the LDS Institute class I go to on Wednesday nights, and he actually showed up. He was surprised that I do this work and that I still love the LDS church and consider myself a Mormon – he thought it was such a contradiction.

But I explained to him that I believe everything in our church. It makes so much sense to me. I am sure there is some reason why the law of chastity should be obeyed, and why prostitution is wrong, but I don’t understand why. I told him about my “contract deadline,” how I’m going to give up all this sex work and swinging and premarital sex in general, but that right now I just want to be a part of it.

I also told him that I really only liked women before, but now I’m in love with a man, Robert Hannibal. I said I wanted to eventually have the Mormon temple marriage. But not yet.

When Ex-Mormon showed up at Institute, I introduced him to my friends, and everyone was really friendly to him. Mormons are very friendly people. I didn’t mention that Ex-Mormon used to be Mormon – I didn’t want anyone questioning him. He still hadn’t told me all his reasons for leaving the church.

Ex-Mormon had to leave Institute early, but he wanted to know why I do this NSA sex work. I had previously told him at Onie’s that this type of work is not a big deal to me and doesn’t mean much to me – it’s a great way to earn easy money, but we didn’t have time to talk more than that. And then last night after Institute he had to leave. But we have each other’s contact info so I hope we stay in touch.

Tuesday night was such a great night for meeting so many interesting guys, and most importantly, I was so happy because I met a guy, “Ole,” who has gone to One Leg Up parties before! Ole used to go with his ex-girlfriend, and when they broke up, he tried to enroll for membership but was declined – single men are not allowed to One Leg Up parties. He asked if I wanted to go to the parties with him and of course I said yes! We will have to write an essay and submit pictures but finally, I will be able to attend a One Leg Up party!

Ever since Robert Hannibal first told me about the One Leg Up parties, I was so excited about them. I imagined all these beautiful, elegant women in a fancy house or hotel penthouse with nice food.

Of course, when he first told me about the parties, I thought he and I would be able to go together. That was before I asked him if he was married, and ever since he told me he was married and that he wouldn’t be able to take me to a OLU party, since they are on the weekends, I have been determined to find someone at Onie’s who could take me. Now, with meeting Ole, this goal is finally nearing reality!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Working at Classy Swing Party for Single Men – Feb. 26, 2011 – written March 5, 2011

Last Saturday, on February 26, I worked as a hostess at “Don” and “India’s” party for single men called [“Single Men Swing Party”]. Don and India told me that all the guys who attend their party go through a screening process – they have to submit pictures and write an essay and they also have to submit a picture of their sexual organ. They told me that India chooses the guys with large sexual organs.

As much as I love Robert Hannibal, I would never want to see a picture of his sexual organ, and I still have not touched it. I will never understand why anyone would want to look at the male sex organ, let alone touch it.

But Don and India were trying to tell me that although my job tonight would be to sleep with one or two guys and talk with them and make them feel comfortable, these guys were quality guys, not like the guys at my regular part-time job at “Onie’s” club, where any guy can get in the door (though I met Robert Hannibal at Onie's, in addition to many other quality men - there is just a more egalitarian mix at Onie's and no screening process for attendees).

Don and India don’t quite understand that I really do not like men and do not find men attractive, whether they are “quality” or not. Other than Robert Hannibal, of course.

Earlier that day, I had attended a baptism for a guy who was joining our church. I don’t know him very well, but he seems very nice. After the baptism, I talked with one of my good church friends, “Jenna,” and told her about Robert Hannibal. Jenna knows I’m not worthy to go to the temple or take the Sacrament, and she is someone I trust. She is very open-minded, and not judgmental at all, even moreso than Jane, who had me sign the contract. Jane, actually, can be a little judging, but Jenna has never judged anyone.

Jenna doesn’t know my sexual preference is actually for women (or was, until I met Robert Hannibal), but if I ever wanted to tell one of my female church friends about my same-sex attraction, since none of my female church friends here in New York know, Jenna is the one I would trust. She has a lot of gay male Mormon friends, and she does not judge them at all. Jenna is a truly decent good person.

I told Jenna I was so in love with Robert Hannibal, and that I even have a contract ending soon, which means I need to focus my life on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I told her I may want to extend the contract since I’m so in love with Robert Hannibal and want to maximize my time with him. I told her he takes me to swing clubs, and I told her that I would actually be working at a swing party later that night. She did not judge me at all.

When I arrived at the [Single Men Swing Party], “Tattoo” was there also, and so was “Bartender” – so interesting to see the three of us from Onie’s club here at this nice hotel suite – such a different environment from Onie’s venue.

I brought my friend “Persia” with me, because when I told her about working at the classy couples party that Don and India run, she was really intrigued and said she wanted to see it. I had told her before we arrived that she was not getting paid to interact with the guys like I was, so she should not feel obligated to do anything at all. We didn’t know if Don and India would need a coat check girl or not, so we figured Persia could do coat check, but they said they didn’t need coat check, so I told Persia she could just watch.

At the beginning, before the guys arrived, India had all of us women go around the room and say something nice about the person on our right – part of woman affirmation, I guess. Tattoo and I were the only women getting paid to be there to interact with the guys, but I secretly hoped I could slack off and Tattoo and the other women could do most of the work.

When the guys got there, I immediately started chatting them up. I was of two minds – if I could keep talking to the guys all night, I could put off having sex with any of them until the very end. However, if I had sex right away, then I could get it over with. The problem with that is that men usually want it again and want to keep touching you afterwards, and I don’t want to go above and beyond this kind of work. I will let them have sex with me and touch beforehand if that helps to get them hard, but afterwards, I am done and I don’t want to be a part of them at all.

Fortunately, one of the guys there seemed a little nervous but was very nice and intelligent. He was black, relatively tall, a professor at [University], and very smart. We sat on the couch and spent hours literally talking about philosophy. I let Tattoo take care of the other guys, and I sat with this guy and talked. Since for Don and India’s parties I am paid to help the guys feel comfortable, as it is the first time for a lot of them, my talking to this guy was perfectly legit.

His name was “Carl,” and he was very knowledgeable about many subjects, especially philosophy. I told him I’d taken a course on Derrida but did not learn anything about Derrida. I couldn’t understand what Derrida wrote, but I understood his tone, and his tone was very condescending.

I told Carl that Derrida could dish criticism out but couldn’t take it from others. He agreed but also helped explain Derrida in a way my own professor never had. We also talked about Lacan and Deleuze. We exchanged contact information and I wished I could spend the whole night just talking and not have to have sex with him. We were the only ones left in the front room, as everyone else had gone into the bedrooms.

But this was a swing party for single men, for men who did not know Tattoo and I were paid to be there, and so eventually Carl asked if I wanted to go into the one of the bedrooms. I had to say yes, of course.

One of the guys, who told us he was married, was very attracted to my friend Persia. He was kissing her, and I asked her if she was okay. She said she was, but I was concerned.

But I didn’t have much time to be concerned because one of the other men who was there immediately started grabbing and touching me and put me on the bed. While he was having sex with me, Carl and others were watching.

Persia poked her head in the room and told me she was going to leave. I was underneath the guy so I couldn’t get up, but I told her to text me later. I really hoped she was okay.

This guy told me he would get me to orgasm, and I told him no guy has ever gotten me to orgasm, that only women have. So he tried everything and couldn’t, of course. Then Carl had sex with me and then the party was over and all the guys finally left. I told Carl I would email him.

Once Bartender and the coat check girl were gone as well, Don and India sat down and talked with Tattoo and me. They thanked us both for working for them tonight. They said my biggest strength is my conversational ability – that I can talk with anyone about anything, and that is so important for these [Single Men Swing Parties]. These guys need to be able to feel comfortable.

They also told Tattoo and me that we could make more money than we make at Onie’s by doing less work. They said guys will pay to watch girls make out with each other and go down on each other, and since Tattoo and I have already done that with each other quite a few times, we might as well make money off it.

They said another way to make money was to be paid to be the female part of a couple so that a guy can get in to couples-only swing parties and clubs. I thought of how I already have a situation like that, where I’m Robert Hannibal’s female, but since I really like Robert Hannibal, love him, even, I don’t need to get paid by him. Having sex with him is actually payment for me!

Don and India closed with telling us how beautiful and smart we are, and when Don walked me to the subway station, he told me how just looking at me he gets turned on. He hasn’t done anything sexual with either me or Tattoo, probably because he’s paying us and he thinks it would be in bad taste, though we’ve both done stuff with his wife, India.

As I was on the subway, I thought about Don and India's marriage. They have a good marriage, but I thought that if the universe was different and I was somehow married to Robert Hannibal, would I want a swinger’s marriage?

It is so strange that I used to think I could only have an open marriage or a swinger’s marriage, mainly to give me the opportunity to have women, but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, my mind has changed. If, in an alternate universe, I was married to Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t want an open marriage. I would just want him.