Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sexual Dreams - (written in 2005)

Sexual Dreams - (written in 2005)
I’ve never had sexual dreams about girls I’ve actually had sex with, though I’ve had a couple regular dreams about them, just not sexual.  Maybe it’s because although I may have had sex with many girls, I have only had one actual, true, legit, honest-to-goodness, on-the-same-page girlfriend, and my unconscious doesn’t know how to process this!  Compared with most people, I was very late to the sexual table with either gender.

The only dream I’ve ever had with any hint of sexuality with a man and me together was my Marilyn Monroe dream, which I had when I was a young teenager (with the unknown man who disappeared as soon as Marilyn entered my bed). But even then there was no sexual feeling until Marilyn appeared.

I may have to admit that the absence of sexual dreams about men is strange. Dreams are your unconscious desires and wishes, and every girl, it seems, lesbian or straight or bisexual, has had sexual dreams about men.

My (albeit atypical) sexual experiences with men, which should have made me more normal (but then again, they weren’t normal situations), happened before I finally had real sexual experiences with women, but even during my long female draught I still had sexual dreams about women and none about men (other than the Marilyn Monroe dream, my first sexual dream).

And now it’s been so many years since I was last with a man, so I should be desiring this now or dreaming about it or wanting it back or wanting it in the normal way, like marriage and relationships, even if in real life it’s not something I think I want, or at least know what is like, if I’m to ever have a normal life and give up thinking of myself as a lesbian.

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