Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sexual Dreams – Jan. 2009

Jan 2009

This is so unfair. I changed my values and made a promise to God that I would only have sex again when I was married and that I would never have sex with a woman again. So why did I have to have a dream about one of my friends who I had a huge crush on? I’d had dreams about her before, and once very unsuccessfully tried to seduce her in real life, at which point she stopped talking to me and I don’t know if she knew what I was trying to do (as we had a cultural barrier), and it took months for her to be my friend again, but I still was in love with her.

But when I made this promise to God, I thought my unconscious would keep the promise as well. But it didn’t! Why did I have to have this dream? In this dream, she was the aggressor and wouldn’t leave me alone and I was so happy. And it felt so real that when I woke up it took me awhile to shake it off. And it just made me miss women, and her especially, even more. If I ever see her again, I will die if she decides to come on to me. I don’t know how I would handle that. I would probably run away crying. Because I made a promise to God. I’ve made promises to Him before and broken them, but I can’t break this promise this time. I’ve been through too much. And He’s given me too much.

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