Thursday, June 30, 2011

Part 6 – Not a Lesbian Anymore(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

After my two times meeting Robert Hannibal at Onie's club, and then my four subsequent dates with him, I now knew for sure that I wasn’t a lesbian.

All my life I have only found women attractive and could never see what women saw in men other than the ability to raise social status. Yet I always knew that the best fit for society to function was not two women together or two men together or even one man and many women or vice versa.

(For much of my life, in fact, I had even held out the hope that plural marriage would come back to the Mormon church somehow, and then I could have a sanctioned marriage but still get to have sex with women, with my sister-wives. But realistically, I knew that would never happen. Our church really believes in one man/one woman marriage).

I wondered when, how, I would find a man I would want to marry, and now I have finally found a man I would absolutely love to marry! But he’s already married.

But how I love him! And how he makes me forget about women! I always wanted a husband who could do that for me. There has to be another one – Robert Hannibal can’t be the only man who can do that for me – that would be too cruel!

Now I realize that I cannot call myself a lesbian because now I know what it's like to like a guy. So no matter what, my view of homosexuality has changed. I had always believed in the possibility of change, that what I and others deal with are tendencies, and when we act on these tendencies, they grow, of course. But if we don't feed those tendencies, they can shrink, and we can grow other tendencies. And now I have proof that it's true.

So I'm telling you all this to say that I understand that everything I did that led me to Robert Hannibal - working at a club where I am paid to have sex with multiple men and where my only enjoyment is when I am with the other girls at the club - are all sins.

And even seeing Robert Hannibal in a swing setting is a sin, and just having sex with him outside of marriage is a sin, and the fact that he is married makes it even more of a sin, but I don't regret any of it. I have never known what it's like to really like a guy - I didn't know it was possible for me to actually like a guy. And I definitely never thought it was possible for me to actually like having sex with a guy!

So if it took me doing all these sinful things in order for me to realize that I actually *can* like a guy, then I think Heavenly Father can understand. I'm not saying He would ever condone sin - He couldn't, or He would cease to be G-d. But I think He knows what's going to happen and what decisions we are going to make and that, yes, I would make these decisions but these decisions would enable me to realize that I am capable of really, really, really liking a man. Of loving a man.

Because I really, really, really like Robert Hannibal. I love him so much. I think of him all the time. And this gives me hope to actually marry a man I could like and that my sexual life with him could be fulfilling. I was always afraid that if I got married to a man I would always miss women and would never be able to really connect with my husband sexually.

But after being with Robert Hannibal, and actually liking being alone with him and actually preferring to be alone with him, I know it's possible.

So that is my story. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that there is another guy out there who can fulfill me the same way - sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. There only needs to be one other guy. As long as the other guy isn't married, that is, so I can marry him!

Then I can finally be a normal Mormon woman and have a normal, temple marriage.

Part 5 – The First Threesome I Didn’t Want(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

A few days after Christmas, on Dec. 29, Robert Hannibal texted me and said he hoped my Christmas was good and then he said, “2 weeks until tantra!” I was so glad he had thought of me over Christmas break. Of course I had thought of him constantly, but I couldn’t expect the same level of attention from him, a married father. I was excited about the tantra club, but more excited about seeing him.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a about a week and a half, so on Jan. 11 I emailed him to ask him when the tantra club would open, and he said he hadn’t gotten any confirmation that it was happening, but he would check again.

Then he sent me another email: “If you're up for it, we could do a sensual massage session this evening. There is lovely lady who will do a 90 min couples session.” And he said it would be a 15-minute bus ride but of course I would go any distance to see him. I told him I had never had a sensual massage before in a couples situation before.

The woman was attractive, probably in her late 40’s, and said she preferred giving sensual massages to couples rather than single men. I felt guilty because we weren’t a real couple and she asked if we were married or boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no, and Robert Hannibal said we were “sexual adventurers.”

She still took this to mean we were a couple of sorts, but I knew what Robert Hannibal meant. I am simply his partner in seeking sexual adventure. Yet could I ask to be anything more than that, knowing that he’s married? I should just be glad I get to be with him.

The masseuse said she wouldn’t engage in sex herself, but of course Robert Hannibal and I were free to do so. We laid down on the bed, facedown and naked, while she was on top of us. The massage was nice and sensual and she had a very nice touch. Robert Hannibal saw me smile at something she did, and he made some comment, like, “someone’s happy.” She played more with me than with him, and it was fun.

Robert Hannibal went down on me and then asked the masseuse if he could lick her as well, and I was glad when she said no. But she stimulated Robert Hannibal and then he and I had sex. The masseuse was involved and it was a nice threesome, but she was more involved with me than with him. I was glad. If she had been more involved with him than with me, I would have been jealous, but for the first time I would have been jealous of the woman and not the man.

But I did find myself getting jealous of her that he was touching her while he was having sex with me. I realized that I would have preferred to have been alone with Robert Hannibal! That is something I never thought I would ever wish, to be alone with a man instead of having a woman there! But I wished the other woman wasn't there and that it was just me and Robert Hannibal.

Afterwards, she said we could shower and I thought Robert Hannibal would shower with me, but he spent the entire time I was in the shower talking with the masseuse. This made me so upset. I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe how upset I was. I guess there is no way I can deny that I really like him. I still can’t quite believe it. But I really do. I really love him.

When we left her apartment, I was still so mad and I can’t hide how I feel so I just told the masseuse “bye” but I couldn’t say “thank you.” Although she had a great touch and had enabled Robert Hannibal and me to have another amazing sexual experience, I couldn’t thank her because at the end he was with her instead of with me.

When we were on the bus back to the city, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was expecting a real massage for muscle tension with a sensual flare added. I told him I had had real massages that were also sensual, given either by another woman or by a man, and I thought that’s what she was going to do – give a real massage to get knots out but also make it sensual.

He told me most people who are trained as massage therapists might not do the sensual part as well, but I told him I had had it in individual situations. I also told him I wasn’t attracted to her – I wanted someone more feminine. Not that the woman was unfeminine. I was just unhappy because Robert Hannibal had not showered with me but had talked to the woman instead.

But how could I tell him that? I had no claim on him. He was another woman’s husband. I was just his “sexual adventure” partner. And I realized if I kept up a bad attitude, he wouldn’t even want to share any more sexual adventures with me. So I changed the subject and talked about bright, cheerful subjects. I was so happy when he said he might be able to go to another swing club on Saturday night with me, but he wasn’t sure. I was so happy at the prospect of possibly seeing him again so soon!

He told me about another elegant swing party, similar to the “One Leg Up” parties, but this party was called “Do you know George.” He said that he and his wife were actually going to go to this party for New Year’s Eve, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought of how lucky his wife was, to have the opportunity to get to go to these fancy swing parties and see beautiful women but get to go home with the best lover in the world.

I wondered why his wife didn’t want to go to those parties anymore, but I didn’t ask him. I could understand if she just wanted Robert Hannibal to herself – who wouldn’t? But I gathered that she and he were not as intimate as they once were, though I didn’t ask him that either. Sometimes I want to know everything about his wife, who I think is the luckiest woman in the world, and sometimes I don’t want to know anything about her.

When we were at the subway station, I told him to let me know about this Saturday, and he said he would see, but he had to live his “regular life too.” I told him about my deadline, that I had to get all this done by April 1st, and that I called all of this my “shadow life.” He laughed, and I told him that since I'm on limited time, I’m willing to have my “shadow life” dig into my “real life” a little. But really, I just wanted more time with him, but didn’t say so. I just told him I really wanted to go to a “One Leg Up” party before my deadline. Then we parted ways.

The whole subway ride home I thought about Robert Hannibal and how being in the very situation I had been searching for back in August 2010, namely a sensual threesome, had happened that night and I didn’t want it. I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. It was amazing that a man could make me not want to be with another woman.

A woman right next to me, kissing me, touching me, and I didn’t want it. I only wanted Robert Hannibal!

(1/13/2011) - Part4 – The Contract - Remember Lot’s Wife

Because I realized I was in love with Robert Hannibal but also that there was no future with him, I felt a mass of friction inside me. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, but I didn’t want to take him away from his wife and kids. Though if he was feeling restless and needing sexual adventure, and would be away from his family anyway, then I wanted to be the one he would be with. I would put up with partner swaps. I would put up with whatever he wanted in his sexual restlessness, just so I could be with him.

Yet as I said earlier, in August when I first began my quest to have more women and to experience swinging, it was done with the idea that this would be my last time engaging in sexual transgression. I really do believe in the Mormon Church, and I do want to be a fully committed Mormon, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any regrets. I didn’t want to look back – “Remember Lot’s wife.”

Also, I had only been attracted to women and had only loved women, and thought that I was a lesbian inside. When I first went to the temple, it was before I had ever really dated a girl or done anything other than French kiss a girl (which happened when I was 11). At my hostess dancing job my last semester in college, some of the other girls would flirt a bit and play around a bit, but I never really had anything substantial with any of them. So when I went to the temple the first time, I had repented of my hostess dancing work with men and was completely woman-less, but made the temple covenants to be completely chaste and only have any kind of sexual relations within the bonds of marriage.

However, the night after I went through the temple to make these covenants, and after my family had left, I came home and cried. I still had feelings for women and they seemed stronger than ever. I tore my garments off, and that’s a huge thing because garments are very sacred - they symbolize the covenants we make in the temple. We are supposed to treat garments, and our temple covenants, very reverently.

But I was so mad. I cursed at G-d and yelled at him and said it wasn’t fair that I had never gotten to be with a woman and now here I had made these covenants and I couldn’t break them. I was so upset that I would never get to really be with a woman. I cried and swore all night, with my garments on the floor.

But the next morning, I wore my garments, and for the next eight months I lived a temple-worthy life. But after eight months, “Dee” and I had our first night together, and thus I broke my temple covenants. That was not quite a decade ago, and I have never been temple-worthy since.

Now, with this new decision to be a fully committed Mormon, I would go back to the temple and be temple-worthy , but I didn’t want to have another night like I did my first night after going through the temple. This time I wanted to be fully prepared and know that I have done everything sexual I could possibly do so that I would have no regrets. I decided that when I went back to the temple again, I wanted to be completely and full committed. I didn’t want to ever break temple covenants again once I made them.

As every temple-worthy Mormon is supposed to aim for temple marriage, I knew that’s what I needed to aim for and really desire. I’ve never been able to picture myself married to a man, but I’ve always known it’s the right thing to do. And I’ve always wanted to be a mother – more than anything else.

With my advancing age, I knew that time to be a mother is running out, and I also knew that being a single mother would not be the best situation for my kids. I should marry a man I could marry in the temple, and raise children with, in the Mormon church. That would be my new life – complete, and no looking back.

I thus wanted to have experience with enough women so that I could forget about women once I was married, and I wanted to have sex with enough men so that at least one of them could get me to orgasm. If that happened, I reasoned I would see men as sexual beings and wouldn’t be so disgusted with them. Then I could really be married to a man in the temple and have a decent sex life with him.

I didn’t want to spend more than a year living this “shadow life,” and I had decided that April 1, 2011, would be a good time to start living a temple-worthy life. It takes a year of living temple-worthy after one has had sexual relations outside of marriage, which meant I could go back to the temple in April 2012. I chose this date because one of my good Mormon friends, “Jane”, wants me to be her Maid of Honor or bridesmaid if she marries a certain guy and it wouldn’t be the same if I can’t go in the temple. Also, the Mormon Church has General Conference in April, which is always a good time to be starting anew.

I knew that giving up my job at Onie’s club would not be hard, other than missing out on getting such easy money. I really do like the easy money. But I know G-d sees my job as wrong, even though I have never understood why. Prostitution has always made sense to me. But to be honest, I wouldn’t really miss the work itself, even the orgy situations. They are old news to me. And none of the women I've been with here in NYC  have had a huge effect on me.

So the only thing I would miss would be sex with Robert Hannibal. I would miss it so much!

“Jane,” my Mormon friend who wants me to be her Maid of Honor, is very understanding of those who vary from the traditional Mormon culture, and she’s also very picky when it comes to men. She does not fall in love easily, so I told her about Robert Hannibal and how he is the first man I’ve ever been in love with. I didn’t tell her this is because I always only loved girls before and thought I was a lesbian – I do not like telling my female friends about my same-sex attraction - but I just told her I don’t fall in love easily, and since she doesn’t either, she could related to me.

As she asked me more questions about Robert Hannibal, I had to admit that he was married, but I explained that he and his wife are swingers. (Robert Hannibal never told me that his wife condones his gallivanting about, but he also never told me explicitly that she even knows about it, so I prefer to think of it as tacit understanding – I don’t want to think that I am contributing to cheating, although I certainly have in many, many other situations, but with Robert Hannibal I just love him so much and I don’t want to ruin his marriage, and I don’t want to think of him as an adulterer, and I can rationalize that it’s not cheating if the wife knows).

Jane thought that was so strange to be in love with a married man, and a swinger at that, but I told her I fell in love with him before I knew he was married.

I told her this wouldn’t last forever, and probably only a few months, but I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be with a man that I actually love! It’s never happened before! I told her I planned on ending it April 1, 2011, and she promptly got out a piece of paper and wrote a contract.

Jane does not approve of any kind of sex outside marriage, so of course I didn’t tell her about my job at Onie’s. I was a little worried the contract would be too specific, like only referring to Robert Hannibal and not my job at Onie’s or my desire for women, but, fortunately, she wrote the contract to be as broad as possible.

Dated January 2, 2011, the contract states: “I, [Polly Yobek], will not purposely do anything that could keep me outside of the temple after March 31, 2011.” Then she had me sign it, and she signed it as a “Witness.”

So that is the contract. Like I said, I will not miss anything other than sex with Robert Hannibal. Not even being with women, which is amazing in itself.

I know G-d can’t condone any kind of sin, I understand that, but I also think He knows us so well, since He is our Father, and He knows everything we will do. He knew I would want to get all this out of my system before going back to the temple, and He knew I would accidentally go to Onie’s club the first time, thinking it was a lesbian night, and He knows how greedy I am with money so He knew I would take the job there.

And Robert Hannibal had been attending Onie’s club often prior to my starting work there, so G-d knew I would meet Robert Hannibal my first night. And G-d knew I would be attracted to Robert Hannibal. He knew I would fall in love with Robert Hannibal, which I have. G-d knew that my love for Robert Hannibal would overtake my love for women, which it has.

Robert Hannibal and Dee, my first real girlfriend, are the two people I have loved more than anyone else. If I can love a man as much as I can love Dee, which is how much I love Robert Hannibal, then I can love a man! I can be married to a man!

So even if G-d cannot condone my being a prostitute and adulterer and swinger, He will be happy when I’m actually married in the temple to a man I love. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that it can happen. Out of billions of men in the world, it only takes two for me to love – 1. Robert Hannibal, just so that I know it’s possible for me and that I’m not totally a lesbian, and 2. One for me to marry.

Part 3 – Dates (3c – Third Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

The Sunday after our Wednesday date, I emailed him and said I had fun and asked him if he wanted to go to any clubs this week. He said there was “better out there,” and mentioned a place called “Checkmates.” And he sent me a link to a Jamaican dancehall video in reference to my classmate’s project.

On Tuesday he emailed and said he may stop by Onie’s, the club where I work and where we met. I had a school event that night so was not able to work that night, but I emailed him this: “But let me know if you decide to go and I'll go just when you are there and I won't get paid.”

Then at 9:30, he said he would just go home instead, but at 10pm he emailed again and said he changed his mind and was going to Onie’s. I was kind of upset – I had basically told him straight up that I would go in to work only to see him, and not even get paid for it, and I felt he should have given me more notice. It would take me half an hour to get to Onie’s from school, which means I wouldn’t get there until 10:30pm, and the club closed at 11pm. I was kind of embarrassed to show up at my place of work just to be with Robert Hannibal, so I didn’t go at all.

He emailed me the next day and said Onie’s “was so ghetto. I'm over it; would have been a waste for you. How about this tonight?” and included a link to a tantra club. I was so excited, but we discovered that the tantra place was closed until after the new year.

We exchanged a few more emails throughout the week. Then, on Dec. 21st, I emailed him to see if he was going to Onie’s, and he replied: “No, the last time I went was really disappointing. The quality of the crowd has really deteriorated. I spent most my time talking to [Bartender].
I'd much prefer to hang out with you separately and explore different more mutually appealing scenes..
I'm curious - what does [Onie] usually give you? I can help offset that.”
I was so happy at this email. I told him I would prefer that too (of course I would!) and told him how much I usually get paid at Onie’s. He responded: “Sounds good. I'm limited through year end but don't mind treating a hard working student.”

Then he made a date for us to go back to Carousel the next night, another Wednesday. I was so happy. I would get paid just to be with the most amazing man in the world! (In my hostess dancing job that I had my last semester of college, when I would go out on dates with my customers, whether to a hotel or just a restaurant, I always got paid. But with this new job at Onie’s, I had only gone out with the shy divorced Filipino, and didn’t get paid. A week after this date with Robert Hannibal, I did go home with one of the customers at Onie’s, and did spend the night and get paid, but before this date with Robert Hannibal, I had not done so. And I hadn’t gotten paid for any of my dates with Robert Hannibal, but I didn’t need to. I just loved being with him so much. But now, if he wanted to pay me to be with him, that would make it even better! Getting paid to have the most amazing sex with the most wonderful man in the whole world! )

As we were emailing back and forth I told him he would have to text me because my iPhone was stolen. Then he sent me an email saying he was sorry to hear that, and another email a few hours later saying that he had misplaced my number. I was so sad at that point. If he really cared about me and was not married, he would not have misplaced my number. If he was married, then it didn’t matter if he cared about me or not, but it would certainly make sense that he would have lost my number.

But I was too excited to see him again to worry about that. There were even fewer people there at Carousel that night, probably because it was the Wednesday right before Christmas. We walked around for a bit and upon seeing not many people there, and no couples really, we went in the room with the large bed and closed the door.

I will always remember that night. When we started having sex, and beginning, middle, and end with him is always amazing, I just felt myself go. He turned me over at one point and as I looked back at him, I saw the expression on his face. He was so completely overcome. I’ve seen other men have that expression when they’re with me but the way Robert Hannibal’s face looked was even more overcome. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I felt such compassion and love for him at that moment, more even than I usually feel for him. After he orgasmed, he lay on top of me, my back to his front, and said softly, in almost a whisper, his breath to the back of my neck, “Oh, [Polly, Polly].”

Hearing him say my name like that meant more than when anyone else has said it, with the exception of my ex-girlfriend “Dee.” I was completely in love. I had known for awhile that I was falling in love with him, and definitely that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know how to fully own up to those facts. I had never been attracted to a man before, had never loved a man before. I didn’t know how to process it. But I loved loving him. And I felt so much love for him.

I guess sex with him is so amazing because it is really making love. Whether he is making love to me or having sex, it feels like he’s making love. Maybe every woman feels that with him. But when I’ve seen him at Onie’s club or at Trapeze, he is usually standing or kneeling when he’s having sex – with me, our bodies are intertwined. I do feel like it’s making love. Regardless, I am making love to him. And I’ve never made love to a man before.

After awhile, the owner of the club knocked on the door and said we weren’t allowed to close the door here. I was glad he hadn’t interrupted us earlier. As Robert Hannibal and I were getting dressed, I asked him questions about his kids (a girl and boy). He talked about how his kids were so excited because his mother was coming to stay with them for Christmas. “Grandma’s here!” he told me his kids will say, and they will wake up so early just to see her. I fell even more in love with him at that. He was such a good father to his children.

I always feel more compassion for men who are fathers. “Dan,” the lazy Filipino into group sex, disgusted me at first but when I saw how he was with his son and two daughters, I felt so much compassion for him. Something about fatherhood always softens me, and I just thought how lucky Robert Hannibal’s children were to have such a great father.

I was more in love with Robert Hannibal the more he talked about his kids, and the more he talked about them, the more I was sure he wasn’t married. So I finally had courage to ask him if he was married. I was fully expecting him to say he was divorced, or he was married but they were separated and were getting a divorce. But he just said, “yes.”

I didn’t miss a beat and said we should all do a threesome! I asked how long they’d been married (seven years) and asked what his wife looked like (white, European-looking). We went out to the common area and sat on one of the chairs, me sitting on his lap, and I asked him more questions. Apparently, he and his wife used to swing together, but now she’s busy “being a mom.” (“That’s important,” I told him, “She should be.”). He also said that his wife didn’t like white men (“She sounds like me,” I said). I told him he was lucky to have a wife who was cool with swinging, even if she wasn’t into it right now. At least they had in the past. “You know how many husbands would want that?” I said. I told him again I wanted a threesome with his wife, and he said he wasn’t sure his wife was in the right headspace for it, but it was a possibility.

He told me married life is different. He mentioned some TV program he and his wife were watching that said something about two people who live in the same house and don’t have sex and his wife said, “just like a married couple!” Robert Hannibal laughed when he told me this.

Now, many of the men at my hostess dancing job in college were married, and so I had already developed some compassion and understanding for married men in general, and the sexual frustrations they often feel in their marriage. My hostess dancing work taught me not to completely blame the men who committed adultery – there was usually more to the story. I figured Robert Hannibal and his wife were in the “Seven Year Itch” phase of their marriage, where sex has gotten stale, especially for him, if he is used to wild swing parties with his wife in the past.

I felt lucky to be able to be with Robert Hannibal, even if there was no future with him. This is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever enjoyed having sex with, the first man I’ve ever been in love with. But I didn’t want to tell him any of this. I felt like it would be disrespectful to his wife. I care about his wife, because she is the woman married to the man I love, the one that he chose.

In the past when I wanted a threesome, it was for me to be able to have a woman in a socially accepted situation. Even when married men would flirt with me, I would always imagine having a threesome with the wife. A threesome was the way for me to deal with the man but get to have the woman at the same time.

But in this case I didn’t want the threesome for the woman. I wanted it to legitimize being with Robert Hannibal, to make it not be cheating. A threesome would be a way of me getting to have Robert Hannibal in an open share with his wife. It would be a compromise. I couldn’t have him to myself, and I didn’t want to take him away from his wife, when it came down to it. But if we could both have him together…

Plus, I felt like Robert Hannibal’s wife and I had so much in common. Neither of us like white men, although we are both white ourselves. As for me, though, I don’t like black men either. I don’t like men in general, but I’ve always felt someone with brown skin, probably from South Asia, would be the most attractive to me. Robert Hannibal has brown skin but is from Jamaica, yet he doesn’t seem black to me. His features are not African. He is just him.

Before Robert Hannibal put me in a cab that night, he showed me a picture of his wife holding his son. It wasn’t a good picture of her, so I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like, but his little son had nice dark skin. “He has my complexion,” Robert Hannibal said. He’s such a good father!

Then I told him I still wanted to go to the “One Leg Up” parties, and he said the parties were on the weekends, and he added, “I can’t be your guy.” But he said during the week, we could still go to places together. It was almost a relief to know that he was in fact married and there is no future with him, and I think he was glad he could now be open about it as well. But it didn’t stop me from loving him.

We smiled and kissed and told each other, “Merry Christmas.” He said he would contact me after the holidays. I didn’t even ask him what he meant when he had emailed that he could “help offset” the money I get at Onie’s club – I didn’t care about being paid when I was with him. I just loved him so much.

I resolved to just enjoy the time I had with him. When I first started trying to get into this swinging world, back in August 2010, I knew my time would be short because I eventually wanted to go back fully and completely in the Mormon church. I just wanted to get this out of my system, especially being with women, because once I was totally back in the church, I would only be able to have sex with my husband. I never expected I’d be able to enjoy sex with my husband, but I know I could tolerate it.

But having met Robert Hannibal, I thought there must be another man out there that I could really love. The Lord would not be so cruel as to make the only man I could love be one who was already married.

Part 3 – Dates (3b – Second Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

Robert Hannibal emailed me the Monday after our date, late at night, which was a warning sign he was married, but I chose to believe that he was simply too busy to email any earlier. And I wanted to believe that his email address really was the one he used for friends and family; I rationalized this because I have a few friends who have email addresses that don’t include their real names.

Because I thought about Robert Hannibal all the time, any mention of anything having to do with anything that reminded me of him struck my ears. One of my roommates is from Trinidad, and he always talks with me about economics, etc. He was telling me about Michael Manley, who had been a leader of Jamaica, and my roommate said Manley was one of his idols and was so good for the Jamaican economy. And one of my classmates is writing a story on Jamaican dancehall queens, and so I offered to help her if I could, and find out information about it.

So in response to Robert Hannibal’s four-sentence email to me, I replied with a six-paragraph essay asking him about Michael Manley, Jamaican dancehall queens, etc. I just wanted to converse with him. I thought of how I would often roll my eyes at my friends who would find out any topic of conversation they thought would interest a guy they had a crush on and then bombard him, and now here I was doing the same thing! But I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to be with Robert Hannibal again, even if it was only via email. And I also mentioned I had fun at the club and wanted to go again.

He responded: “Sure, would love to check out some more events. I usually see my kids on weekends so I'm typically not available Fridays and Saturdays. I'm happy to alert you to weekend events if you can find a partner. That beig said, there is stuff happening during the week as as well. If you're interested in checking out a Brooklyn club tonight, I'll be free around 10:30.”

In a second email, he commented on Michael Manly and dancehall culture (not his thing) and I just fell in love with him even more for some reason reading that email. But it was his first email that cautioned me, referring to his kids. However, since he said he usually saw his kids on the weekends, I had hope. I thought he might be divorced, and that the weekend arrangement was with his ex-wife. I recalled the recently-divorced Filipino guy whom I had met at Onie’s club, who saw his son every other day. I also thought of “Dan,” the Filipino who I had group sex with and that was the only thing I liked about him, other than his kids. He and his ex-wife had a flexible arrangement with the kids. So it was possible Robert Hannibal was divorced or separated.

But I didn’t want to get my hopes too much. So I responded that I was definitely interested in the Brooklyn club, since they had ‘bi’ nights, and I told him I understood about weekends not working out for him. I mentioned that the only person who could be a partner for me to go to swing clubs with would be “PR,” the promoter for Onie’s club (PR is always saying he wants to go to swing clubs or parties with me, even though he has a wife and a girlfriend). But I added in my email that PR “has the same reasons as you why he can't do weekends, because of his kids and his wife.”

Robert Hannibal didn’t respond to that last bit, only to the club part, saying that he had the day wrong and the “bi” night was actually the next night. Since he didn’t address the “kids and his wife” part of my email, I wondered if he really was married and was acknowledging that by not correcting me. But I hoped that he was divorced, or at least separated. He had to be if he only saw his kids on the weekend – if he were still married, he would see his kids everyday. That comforted me.

Then Robert Hannibal sent me another email that day about trying a different swing club that night, called Carousel. When I arrived at Carousel, Robert Hannibal was waiting, and I realized this was the same club where I had gone the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, the couples-only event where the Asian woman and her man had flirted with me and I didn’t do anything.

But because it was a Wednesday, a weeknight, and there wasn’t a specific party going on, the club was much less-crowded than it had been the night I went. There were absolutely no women I was interested in, let alone any men, but Robert Hannibal had us watch an older couple, probably in their late 50’s, on the bed in one of the rooms. He touched the woman and I couldn’t understand what he saw attractive in her, although for an older woman she was nice-looking. When the couple finished, they told us it was their first time at a swing club, and I said, “Congratulations!” But I hadn’t touched either one of them.

Then the couple left and Robert Hannibal and I were alone and had wonderful, amazing sex. I don’t know why he is so good and how sex with him affects me so much when sex with any other men doesn’t affect me at all. At ALL! I don’t come close to orgasm with Robert Hannibal, or any man, of course, but I just love, love being with him and only him.

Now, although I didn’t come close to orgasm with him, for me to actually be present while having sex with a man and to actually *like* it and not just tolerate it or hope he cums soon is a completely new experience. I can’t explain it. But from the very first time we had sex, and every single time since, I am present in the experience. I am with him. And I love it.

Then we got up to get a drink. At this club, they don’t have robes or towels, so we were walking around totally naked. As I stood on one side of the bar and he on the other, he just stared at me, and so I said, “What?” And he said, “I’m just looking at your breasts.” Normally, a statement like that would be so creepy and rude, but from him, it sounded thoughtful and contemplative.

He also said he would take me somewhere I would really like, and I asked him where. He said he wouldn’t tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise. I hoped it was the “One Leg Up” parties. I was so intrigued by what he had told me about those parties – the elegant atmosphere, sometimes on a yacht!
After getting a drink, he took me on the dancefloor. We were the only ones on the floor and we just started dancing very close with our arms around each other, both of us still naked, and I could feel him getting hard again. Then he ran with me, grabbing my hand, to one of the secluded couch areas and we had sex again. Again, it was amazing. I didn’t think I would ever get tired of sex with Robert Hannibal. How can he be so different from any other guy?

Then we hung out some more, and ended up having sex one more time. Still, I was not bored with him. I loved being with him each and every time. And all the time in between. Sex with him three times in one night, just the two of us. That was perfect for me.

At the end of the night, a cute black girl as part of a couple arrived at Carousel and she touched my breasts. It was late so Robert Hannibal and I had to leave and I didn’t mind missing out on more of the touch of a woman.

Once again, he put me in a cab and sent me on my way, and I eagerly awaited when I would see him next.

Part 3 – Dates (3a – First Date) (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

My first date with Robert Hannibal was Friday, Dec. 3rd, almost exactly one month after we had first met at my first night of working at Onie’s club. This date was greatly-anticipated – I was so excited to see him again. That night one of my friends had a music concert at our school, so first I went to that with one of my other school friends. Again, I was sure Robert Hannibal was not married because he said he would just be hanging out with one of his friends who was DJ-ing somewhere downtown while I was at the concert. It was a Friday night – surely if he had a wife she would not let him free like that?

When we met up, I loved how handsome he looked. We started off looking for hot chocolate, but didn’t find any, and then took a cab to a place called Trapeze, which Robert Hannibal said was one of the first swing clubs from back in the ‘70’s and that the décor looks like it had never been updated. I didn’t care, I just wanted to be with him.

At Trapeze everyone wears towels to walk around in. We kept going upstairs to see the various rooms and the large orgy-room downstairs. There was a really old couple and some other couples, but I was very picky because I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal.

Eventually, we went down to the lounge area and sat on one of the couches and talked, with me somewhat sitting on his lap. He told me that although he had had girlfriends, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 25. I thought that was so adorable. I am guessing he is in his late 30’s. He looked so cute when he told me that.

He also explained his first threesome – a woman he was dating, whom he had thought he would marry, told him if they got married she was sure he would cheat on her, so she arranged a threesome with him and another woman. He said he didn’t end up marrying that woman, but I was afraid to press if he ended up marrying anyone else.

He also talked more about being from Jamaica. He had told me he was from Jamaica when I met him my first night at Onie’s club, but this night he told me had moved to the US when he was ten and so had basically grown up in the states. (He had also told me my first night at work that he had gone to school at Dartmouth after I told him I was in grad school.) I just pictured him as this cute little boy arriving in the States , probably bewildered and scared, and now look how far he’s come – going to school at Dartmouth, working on Wall Street, etc. He’s just so smart and so handsome and so attractive and I just loved having a conversation with him there in the lobby area.

We went back to the orgy room and had it pretty much to ourselves. There are mirrors all around and on the ceiling. He said he remembered how good I tasted (he had gone down on me my first night working at Onie’s club before he first had sex with me) and went down on me again at Trapeze. Then we began having sex and I loved it so much. I don’t know what it is he does differently from all other men but he is so wonderful in bed. The night to me was already complete because I had sex with Robert Hannibal.

But he wanted to find other couples and kept asking me what women I thought were attractive. There was a couple with a woman I found attractive – she was slightly older, probably 40, and her man was probably late 40’s, but she was definitely attractive. I pointed her out to Robert Hannibal while we were laying down in the orgy room as the couple went up the staircase.

But somehow we ended up with another couple who took us to a private, closed room with them. They asked us our names, and Robert Hannibal said his name was [Robert Hannibal]. I was surprised because at Onie’s club he never actually told me his name, but PR told me his name was R. So I thought that was his name.

But then I remembered when he called me earlier that evening to confirm a meeting spot, he said, "Hi [Polly], this is [Robert Hannibal]," and I thought I had just mis-heard it. The couple asked us if those were our real names, because some couples lie, and Robert Hannibal laughed and said, yes, it was his real name. But I was worried why he would have a different name he would use at Onie’s club? He must be married. But then I thought he was just trying to be discreet at Onie’s club, because it’s slightly less respectable than going to a strictly couples-only club.

The woman of the couple was Asian and I wasn’t physically attracted to her but I liked her a lot as a person and we had a good conversation. She went down on me and was quite good. Then her man said that she needed to come, and that she had a hard time orgasming (she and I had both bonded over that in our conversation). So her man said Robert Hannibal should go down on her, and he did, for what seemed like half an hour. I was so bored (and jealous) during that time. Then we did the full couples swap and her man was kneeling over me and asked me to put on his condom.

Now, I hate touching men’s package thing. I hate everything about it. I think it looks ugly, I think it feels disgusting, I don’t like anything about it. So I said “I don’t do that.” The man got up and was so angry and said, “you should speak to your partner before so people don’t think you’ll swap if you won’t.” His girlfriend asked him what was wrong and I realized that I needed to do the partner swap, and if it meant I had to touch the guy’s thing to put the condom on, I had to just do it. Robert Hannibal took me to a swing club to swing, he kept looking for couples, he wasn’t there just to be with me, even though I would have been satisfied just being with him.

So I played it off like it was a misunderstanding, “Oh, I thought you wanted me to go down on you first, and I don’t do that.” And I pointed to Robert Hannibal and said, “I don’t even do that to him.” So the man laughed and said he understood, and I put the condom on his ugly thing and let him have sex with me while Robert Hannibal had sex with the man’s lucky girlfriend. All I thought was that I wanted the man to hurry up and come, just like when I’m working at Onie’s club.

When we all finished, we were laughing and talking like we were best friends but I secretly wondered if I’d be able to do this very often with Robert Hannibal. If we did couple swaps, the woman of any couple would always get the best end of the deal, and I would get the worst. I decided I could handle it as long as I got to have alone time with Robert Hannibal. I was glad I got to have sex with Robert Hannibal alone before we were with this couple.

Then we went back and searched for more couples. We went back down to the orgy room and started making out and the couple with the woman that I thought was attractive entered. Robert Hannibal moved us over to where the couple was, literally right next to them. The woman said I had “beautiful” breasts and asked if she could kiss them, so while her man was with her she leaned over and kissed my breasts. Then she and I started kissing and making out and then she would suck my breasts again.

Robert Hannibal told the guy that I had picked his girlfriend out as someone I thought was attractive, and he also told the man that he liked watching the two of them together. The man said, “we thought the same about you two.” The man said they weren’t ready to partner swap yet as they were still new to the swing thing, but they liked the idea of having sex in the open with people watching. I was so glad. If only all the couples were like that, then I could just stay with Robert Hannibal.

Then Robert Hannibal and I had sex again and it was awesome. I could totally handle swing clubs if I got to kiss other women but only have sex with Robert Hannibal. That would be the best scenario for me, and it would still make Robert Hannibal happy because he would get the excitement and sexual adventure.

But he wasn’t satisfied with that. After that couple, he wanted to find another couple. I started getting annoyed because I just wanted to be alone with him, or with pretty girls, and so many of the women were older and unattractive to me. Yet he was fascinated with just standing there and staring at all the play going on and holding his thing.

Finally we found a couple upstairs where the woman was somewhat attractive to me (but not nearly as attractive as the other woman) and we started chatting them up and laying down next to them. I hoped they, like the previous couple, weren’t interested in swapping but just liked the idea of open sex. They were a fun couple and we laughed a lot with them, and we all went downstairs to the orgy room again. They were together and Robert Hannibal and I were together, but we didn’t have sex, but I like just being with him.

After that Robert Hannibal and I showered together. I loved showering with him. He was just so handsome and attractive to me. I loved how his body felt against mine. No other man could make me enjoy being with him, sex or no sex.

At the end of the night, we talked with the different couples we had been with and exchanged contact information but I didn’t care about seeing any of them again, unless it was the only way to see Robert Hannibal again. Robert Hannibal told the couples they should check out the “One Leg Up” parties. That was the high-class party he had told me about my second time meeting him, when we exchanged email addresses. That party sounded like my ideal swing party, with everyone elegant and good-looking, and dressed up like the 1920’s, and I told Robert Hannibal that I wanted him to take me to one of those parties. He never quite committed, and so I still wasn’t sure about his personal life. I hoped so bad he wasn’t married. He put me in a cab and all I could think about was when I would see him again.

The next day, Saturday evening, I was at a dinner party with my school friends and I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal. Was I really in love with him? Or was I just attracted to him, and wanting to enjoy the opportunity to actually be attracted to a man – for the first time in my life! The first man to make me feel like a real woman, to make me feel like a woman who actually enjoys sex with a man? I didn’t know if it was just that he was so good at sex, the first man I ever enjoyed sex with, that made me like him, but I thought it was more than that. I thought I was really falling in love with him. But I wasn’t sure.

And I wasn’t sure if he was married or not. How I wanted him not to be! And how I wanted to see him again! So in the middle of the dinner party, I texted him to see if he wanted to go to another club later that night. He texted back and said that he was too tired. Then I remembered that after our late night at the club he told me he had had to be up at 8am because he had an appointment with a plumber.

A plumber appointment – that’s what responsible married men do. But he also could be separated or divorced. I recalled that the Orthodox Jew, “Jay,” was separated from his wife. I even told my friend, the one who was hosting the dinner party, that I thought I was falling in love with this guy but I was worried he might be married. She sympathized with me, and afterwards I walked home from the dinner party with one of my gay friends. We discussed Robert Hannibal and my friend’s boy troubles. I couldn’t stop thinking about Robert Hannibal. How I loved talking about Robert Hannibal!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

In Response to NPR Opinion Article: “The End of Gender?” – June 23, 2011

I read this article shaking my head the entire time. The ensuing readers’ comments, supposedly of enlightened people, only further showed how thin some people want to stretch our society.

The comment asking for an "age neutral" society perfectly underscores the fallacy of a "gender neutral" society. Pretending something isn't there doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Let's take the "age neutral" argument.

In our "age neutral" society, we should let the elderly stand on the bus and subway - they don't need to sit any more than anyone else does. We should eliminate Medicare and all other programs that cater to the elderly. "Age neutral" would require no nursing homes and no retirement age.

Likewise, if our society is "gender neutral," we should not have gynecologists. We should stop women from carrying babies because a pregnancy makes a woman fundamentally different from a man.

Both arguments are ridiculous. Those who argue for gender neutrality can fool themselves into thinking they are progressive, but really they are exhibiting stupidity. Men and women are simply biologically different. This is scientifically proven.

Some of us may not feel that we completely fit our gender. I, for one, have always felt more masculine than feminine and have never really felt like a woman. But I was born a woman and am biologically a woman. I have accepted that fact rather than force society to make my situation seem normal.

This doesn’t mean we can’t teach our children to understand that there are some people who choose not to be the gender they were born into. We should all be respectful and loving of all people. But to structure society around the edges of the bell curve does not make for a sound society.

Link to NPR Opinion article by Linton Weeks:

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Gay Marriage Bill in New York Is Not True Marriage Equality

First, gay marriage is a misnomer. The correct term is same-sex marriage. Not everyone who is or wants to be married to a person of the same gender identifies as gay - some identify as bisexual. The term “gay marriage” is thus not only very limiting but completely wrong.

Furthermore, how is marriage between two people, regardless of gender, considered “equality,” when marriage between more than two people is not legal? There are many of us who believe in polyamory – why can’t there be legal benefits to polyamorous situations as well?

Also, some religious groups, notably FLDS and Islam, allow polygamy. Those in the FLDS church, for instance, believe polygamy is essential to their eternal salvation. Not allowing plural marriage amounts to religious discrimination.

Until polyamorous relationships can be legally recognized as marriage, there is no marriage equality. Those of you who truly believe in equality should recognize that the fight is not over.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

In Response to “My Ex-Gay Friend” (NY Times, Sunday, June 19, 2011)

I can identify with Michael. All my life I have only been attracted to and loved women. I knew I was a lesbian, though sometimes my sexual behavior was of a bisexual woman, thinking that would enable me to find attraction to a man. But I never did find men attractive. I didn't think I ever would until over six months ago when I was finally sexually attracted to a man and fell in love with him immediately.

Don't tell me my feelings for women weren't real or that my feelings for this man aren't real. Why, when someone lives a "heterosexual" life and then comes out as homosexual it is okay, but if it's the other away around, people question and doubt?

I know from experience that sexuality is fluid. Those who insist otherwise are fooling themselves. Why do so many "straight" women talk of attraction to other women?

"Homosexual" is not a label that should be applied so rigidly. Don't blame those who have found that the label no longer applies, for whatever reason.

Link to original article:

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2e – shadow life

After the Friday night swing club fiasco, I was so annoyed. The next day was Saturday, and still no email from Robert Hannibal. I was so sad, but decided to go to another club that night, one that was for couples-only and single women. I didn’t want to go back to the same club I had gone to on Friday because the memory of letting all those men have me for free was still in my mind.

Regardless, I was determined to check out another club because the weekend was Thanksgiving weekend, and so a lot of my friends were out of town, and thus my “real life” could give way more easily to my “shadow life.”

I call my desire to “swing” and be with women, and my job at Onie’s club all part of my “shadow life.” I like my “shadow life” to operate in the off-hours, so as not to interfere with my real life.  Usually my weekends are pretty busy because  I like to hang out with friends from church and from school.

I don’t like to miss any parties or activities my friends are doing because 1) I love my friends and I love being with them and 2) I want to keep my real and normal life as vibrant as possible so as to give no indication that I even have a shadow life.

The club I went to on Saturday was a much better crowd than the club I went to on Friday. Everyone was young and good-looking, and they were almost all couples. A few groups of single women were there, but it was mostly young, good-looking couples. And no single men!

A sexy Asian girl, whose partner was a nice-looking man, flirted with me, but I was too worried about appearing as an obvious lesbian. I really wanted Robert Hannibal there with me. Even though the girl was the one flirting with me, I felt that it was too apparent that my primary interest was girls because I was there by myself.

If Robert Hannibal was with me, or any guy, then it could seem like I was just there because my partner wanted me to be there, or this was just something we did on the side, not an integral part of my life.

So I left. Two disappointed nights in one Thanksgiving weekend. Finally, Sunday afternoon, I emailed Robert Hannibal and asked when he would send me the links. Sunday late night, after midnight, he emailed me back with the links.

Then Monday morning, he said if I was free Friday night “and so inclined,” he would see if there were any parties going on or he would schedule a tantric massage for us.

I was so happy! At this point, I decided he must not be married after all. Perhaps divorced, even separated, but not married. How could he have the freedom to go out on a Friday night if he was married?

That was the best email I had ever received and I emailed him soon after to tell him that Friday sounded fun. I had the best week ever because I was anticipating seeing Robert Hannibal again and I had fantasies of marrying him – I had never felt this for any man before in my life.

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2d – men getting fr

I really hate men having sex with me for free. To be fair, I am okay with it as long as I get dinner or some other benefit. For instance, my married Muslim friend from my first grad program not only always fed me dinner but also provided a quiet place for me to sleep. His apartment did not have nearly the same noise issues that my residence hall and subsequent apartments had, and it was such a relief not to be awakened as frequently. Also, he lived so close to campus that I could sleep in much later and still make it in time to any morning meetings.

Plus, I loved being able to talk with him about how much I like women and my frustrations in that arena. At the time he was one of the few friends in NYC I could talk to about liking girls.

“Dan,” the Filipino guy I was willing to help get a fiance visa, was more of a leech. Such a lazy and unmotivated person, but he has such beautiful children. I loved his family and I loved that his mother thought of me as a daughter, but I was really only willing to take a chance on him because of a free trip to the Philippines and the opportunity to have frequent group sex. And also to be far away from the United States, meaning, the chance of anyone finding out about our sexual adventures was slim.

And also, Dan had such beautiful children, though I still have no idea where they got their looks and intellect from, since, although I thought Dan was nice, I never thought he was attractive (though apparently all the Filipinas did), and certainly not smart!

I knew if we did have to get married I would love to help take care of his children, and since he would only be able to stay in the US because of me, I would be the one in charge, and I would get to see as many women as I wanted, and to be fair, he did try to find me women when we were together. So although he had sex with me for free, it was frequently with other girls, so I was okay with it.

And when his male friends would have sex with me, it was in group sex settings, and again, I was okay with it – I was so naïve, I thought enough group sex would get me to orgasm with a guy and then I wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  I look back on my thinking now and wonder how I ever could have believed that, but I did.  I also would have been okay getting pregnant by any of them (even though most of them were married or had girlfriends and I would have to be a single mother) because I felt my biological clock ticking and I’ve always thought Filipino children are so beautiful.

So I can’t begrudge those guys for having sex with me for free because I thought I would finally be getting an orgasm with a man, and maybe even a baby.

So most of the men who’ve had sex with me for free I am okay with. There are always reasons. But that Friday night at the swing club I was disgusted with myself for letting so many men have me for free.

And pretty much every swing party I’ve been to where I wasn’t getting paid, I let men have sex with me for free.  In most of the cases, it was because I was hoping to get a girl too, but the guys were single.  I thought if we had sex, then we could approach a couple together but it never worked out that way.

And I regret the times I’ve had one-night stands for free – again, I was always hoping for a threesome or to find a partner with whom I could pursue threesomes.  But that never happened.

I regret all those times having sex with men for free – whether at swing parties or at sex clubs or with single men alone. Men need to realize that we get nothing out of sex unless they pay us.

(1/13/11) The Men Right Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2c – swing club men

Robert Hannibal occupied my mind and heart during the aforementioned Thanksgiving weekend. Although I was pretty sure he was married, I anxiously and foolishly awaited an email or text from him.

Friday night I was hanging out with one of my friends, “Persia,” and I was just feeling so enamored of Robert Hannibal that I told her all about him. I couldn’t keep my love and desire for him quiet and I wanted to share what I felt for him. I told her I was afraid he was married, but I told her a more sanitized version of how we met.

She was very open about this (a couple has actually been trying to get with her, although she has thus far refused) and so I told her I was thinking about going to a swing club that night.

(I did not tell Persia that I prefer girls – I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable around me, especially since she is so beautiful and I would love to even just kiss her, but I want to keep our friendship and don’t want to jeopardize it). So I just told her I needed to get my mind off Robert Hannibal and that’s why I was going.

In reality, I hoped to meet a good-looking couple with a woman who would want to continue alone with me at other times, or a nice-looking man who would be a “couple” with me to go to “couples-only” parties. This was my first time at this club, and apparently single women can always enter this club, but this night was a night they let single men enter as well.

I was so disappointed with the selection. I saw millions of men and a few unattractive and overweight women who were standing together in a group, and one couple. I was too worried to approach the couple as an obvious and desperate lesbian, and wished I had a man to do the approaching for me.

A harmless looking very tall white guy with glasses came over and started talking to me, and asked me to go in a back room with him, so we did. Curtains leading to the room were open so that people could watch, and as we were the first people to get started, we soon had a small crowd watching us. After the glasses guy and I finished, one of the men watching us tried to go in, and the glasses guy said he had to ask me first if he could enter the room.

Then something strange happened. I forgot that I had gone to this club to find a guy to be a “swing partner” with me, which the glasses guy very well could have been, and I started thinking I was working at Onie’s club. At Onie’s club, when a guy wants to “play” with us, we always say yes because that is what we are paid to do. So I let the guy in, and the glasses guy left, and when the second guy finished, there soon were four other guys I let in.

Fortunately, after the fourth guy, I heard a woman’s voice say to some men who were watching, “No, she likes it, go ahead and ask.” This woke me from my stupor and I pushed off the poor fifth guy who was on top of me, put on my clothes and rushed out to the exit.

And I realized that none of the guys had actually asked me if they could have sex with me.  They just saw me having sex and assumed they could have sex with me too.  At least at Onie’s club, the men ask.  

I angrily told the guy who runs the place that he needs more women, and he said the reason there were so many men was because Friday night was the only night men were allowed. He told me to come back on Saturday, because it was for couples-only and single women, and I shouldn’t have the same problem.

I was so mad at myself for letting all those men have sex with me for free. I felt like the club should give me a cut of their profits that night, but of course I couldn’t ask them to do so, considering it’s illegal.

And I was so mad because my original purpose in finding a guy to be my “swing partner” didn’t happen at all, and yet I let so many guys have me for free that night. Especially now that I know that I can really enjoy sex with a man, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, I don’t want any man to have sex with me for free ever again. Unless it is Robert Hannibal, or my husband, and I was hoping the two would be one in the same.

(1/13/2011) - The Men I Was Dealing with Before Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2b – Craigslist Men)

In thinking about Robert Hannibal, which my mind loves doing, I thought that no matter what happens with him, the way I look at men has changed. Now that I really understood what it was like to be attracted to men, I didn’t think I could tolerate men the way I had done recently. I thought of some of the men I had recently been with and I didn’t think I would have patience to do it for free anymore.

For instance, early this past fall, when I decided I really wanted to have threesomes and try “swinging,” before I give up entirely on this life and become a fully-fledged and committed Mormon, I searched on Craigslist. Unfortunately, I still only ended up with men, not women.

My Craigslist searching for threesomes paralleled how, after my break-up with “Dee,” my first love that was actually returned, I scoured Craigslist looking for other girls to ease my break-up pain. Although I ended up meeting some good-looking and fun and cute girls, I discovered that many lied about their looks. Now, after looking for threesomes, I found that men lied also.

I had previously only looked for single women on CL, but since I knew I would end up returning fully to my Mormon church, and would thus not be able to have a girlfriend, I didn’t want to search for a girlfriend. I just wanted to have some NSA sex with women, but many lesbian or bi women on CL wanted a relationship or were simply too masculine for me.

Thus, I decided that finding CL threesomes would be the best way to get a feminine girl, and there would be no long-term consequences, so I could still go fully back into the Mormon church after about a year. Yet, even with this CL threesome searching, I ended up only with men, and I realized that “attractive” is a word people feel too free attach to themselves. But who do they think they are attracting?

There were several men I ended up corresponding with from Craigslist, and a few I met up with, unfortunately. One described himself as Italian and referenced a girl who was his “f—k-buddy” and so I imagined a good-looking Italian guy with a hot girl who would join us for threesomes. But no – he was scrawny and white, and I definitely think he lied about the girl “f—k-buddy” – she never appeared.

Another guy I met, “Jay,” described himself as an Orthodox Jew with handsome or attractive dark features – I can’t remember exactly, but he definitely made himself out to be good-looking. My married friend with whom I had a two-year affair in grad school was Muslim, and I thought it would be interesting to balance that out with an Orthodox Jew.

I was also interested in Jay politically, as I figured we could have great conversations – I love discussing politics and religion and world events, but I was also intrigued with how he described himself as physically dark. I was still hoping a man could get me to orgasm, especially since eventually I want to get married and have kids and a normal life, and I really have always thought only someone who was handsome with dark skin could do it to me.

When I met Jay, I realized he had a vastly different opinion of what handsome meant than I did, and also “dark” for him was simply very light olive skin. Most importantly, he neglected to mention his completely bald head. Baldness is the biggest turnoff for me. I wanted to walk away when I saw him but he had already spotted me.

After we talked, I decided it would be good to be his friend because immediately we had a good conversation about religion and politics, and he bought me food. We hung out several times and he always fed me and we always had great conversations.

We had such great conversations that we never touched, and I was so glad. Unfortunately, after I texted him once about a Jewish magazine, he texted me back asking if I was attracted to him. I didn’t know how to answer, because truthfully, I was not physically attracted to him at all.

But I really liked our conversations, and I thought I was learning a lot from him. I can’t really lie to other people about what I feel about them, but I wanted to still talk to him about politics and religion, so I texted back “yes.” I meant yes, I was attracted to the fact that we could talk so openly about politics and religion. But of course he thought I meant physically, so he texted me a very crude text having to do with me going down on him. I was so disgusted.

I told Jay I don’t do that, but I thought we would still have fun anyway. The next few times we hung out in his apartment he would make out with me and finger me (I never understand why guys do that, I actually hate being fingered by guys, and find it only okay with girls). Then finally he would feed me and we could talk about politics.

Jay never had sex with me, which I thought strange since he talked about how he was such a dominant man, and at first I thought that if he was so dominant he could get me to orgasm, but then I realized it would not happen. He was too physically unattractive to me. Our great conversations were one thing, but having no physical chemistry between us would prevent any sort of orgasm, I realized.

But after meeting Robert Hannibal, I really didn’t want to see Jay anymore. We still correspond occasionally via email, but I don’t feel any interest even politically anymore. I regret that I ever let Jay do anything to me.

With Robert Hannibal, I can talk about anything and everything and I love the person I’m talking to. I realized I couldn’t really settle for less. So I haven’t really heard from Jay in awhile, and I don’t miss him. But how I missed Robert Hannibal every single day!

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2a) – January 13, 2

After Robert Hannibal told me his email address, I was, as I said, worried that he was married because the email address did not have his name in it, but the name Hannibal instead – “not Hannibal Lecter” - he didn’t want to scare me. He said his email referenced Hannibal the military leader, and I said, “yes, the one who went over the Alps with the elephants.” Robert Hannibal said he chose this name because Hannibal was “an African.” I had no idea that Hannibal the military commander was African – see how Robert Hannibal teaches me so much!

But knowing this was his email address, I was very concerned that he might be married. We just hugged good-bye when he walked me to the subway, he didn’t try to kiss me outside of the club where I worked (though inside, of course, he kissed me everywhere, and I even kissed him back! And I hate having guys kiss me. But I loved it with Robert Hannibal).

I went home still hopeful that he was single, or at least separated. Yet I knew I needed to keep my options open for a guy to be my “swing partner” for couples parties in case Robert Hannibal really was married and was not able to be a regular swing partner for me.

On Wednesday, he sent me an email telling me he would send me links to swing clubs “in a few days.” The email subject was “Good to see you again,” which made me happy, but given the fact that he wasn’t sending the links right away, I was certain he was married.

Therefore, I kept my “date” that night with a guy I had met at the club the week prior. He was Filipino, and he had been too shy to have sex at the club and I felt sorry for him, so I agreed to a dinner date even though I knew he would want sex after. I didn’t even expect him to pay for private sex with me because I felt so sorry for him. He was newly divorced but hadn’t had sex for a long time.

I told this Filipino guy via text after he asked me out, very apologetic about monopolizing my time, that he was “the only one at the club I wanted to have sex with” to ease him and calm him down.

But of course he didn’t understand that although I meant every single word, I didn’t mean it in the way normal people mean it when they say that phrase. I have to have sex with men at Onie’s club – that is my job. If I am going to have to have sex with men, I would rather have sex with men who are not old, preferably with dark skin and who aren’t hairy, and this Filipino guy was the only one the night I met him at the club who had all those characteristics.

We had dinner but it was hard to concentrate because the night before I’d been with Robert Hannibal at Onie’s club, and that day I had received Robert Hannibal’s email which led me to really think he was married. After dinner, I put off sex with the Filipino as long as I could, but finally I just let him do it, and it was good for him to break the ice, so to speak, after his many sexless months.

But I just kept thinking of Robert Hannibal and remembering how amazing he was at sex and hoping I was wrong about him being married.