Two Hours with the Handsome Young Man at Onie’s on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 – written March 10, 2011

After Robert Hannibal left, I wanted the next two hours to pass quickly.  When I went back into the bar area, I saw the handsome young man standing against a wall.  I introduced myself to him, asking if it was his first time here, and how he found out about it.  I told him I always ask people that.  It’s part of my journalistic nature.

The handsome young man, “Hans,” told me he’d found this place on Craigslist – most guys tell me that.  Apparently, “PR,” the promoter, posts regularly on CL about the wild sex party going on at “Onie’s” club, and that’s how all these guys find out about it.  But Hans told me if he hadn’t seen me, he would have gone home.  A lot of guys tell me that. 

Not that the other girls at Onie’s are unattractive.   It’s just that I’m considered the most attractive, though in real life I’m definitely not among the most attractive girls in New York.  No way!  Everyday I see really stunning, beautiful, gorgeous girls.   Everyday.

Hans is seriously probably the best-looking guy I have ever seen in my entire life.  However, Hans is not only very handsome in the traditional manly sense, with a legitimate abdominal six-pack, pectoral muscles, handsome face, broad shoulders, etc. but he is very smart.  I really enjoyed talking with him.  When I told him I was a Journalism grad student at [my school], he told me he has friends in the law school at [my school].  He had gone to Brown for undergrad, and was planning on going to med school soon. 

He could figure out that the others girls and I were getting paid to work here, and he asked why I do it.  I told him I like having extra money and it’s not a big deal for me to have sex, as long as my rules are followed – no hand-jobs or blow-jobs. 

I had a lot of fun with Hans.  We had sex a total of four times, and after the first time he said it was the most intense orgasm he’d had in a couple weeks.  I said, “a couple weeks?” And he said, “okay, maybe months.”  I don’t know if that was really true or if he thought I would like to hear it because of my job. 

But truth be told, guys tell me that all the time.  And I don’t know if it’s really true or they’re just saying it.  It doesn’t matter – I don’t get extra money if they have an intense orgasm.  Regardless, I still don’t do anything.  I just lie there, either front or back.  I’m not going to do any more work than is required of me in this job.

With Hans, however, since he was so good-looking, I let him kiss me also and make out with me.   Sometimes I do let the better-looking guys kiss me – it just depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  Still, the only guy I really like kissing is Robert Hannibal!

But Hans was really fun.  I admitted to him that I really only like girls but met the first guy I’ve ever been attracted to at this job.  I told him it was Robert Hannibal, and that he was the guy I was walking out with when Hans entered. 

I told Hans I really want more experience with girls, and asked if he knew any girls that would have a threesome with me and him, and he said he did.  He said he would definitely arrange some threesomes for us.  I was so excited!  Hans being so good-looking, I knew the girls would be beautiful!

He asked if he could get my contact information, but I said it would be better to wait until I get off work at 11pm.  We girls could get in trouble if anyone saw us giving out our contact information.

Now, after the first time we had sex, Hans and I had sex two more times, with him carrying me to different areas of the room for sex.  By this time it was 10:30pm, and Onie’s nephew, “Nephew,” who works at the club, told me Onie wanted to see me.   When Nephew left, I said to Hans, “How do they think no one will figure out we’re getting paid when they come up to us like that?”  Hans just laughed.  He walked out with me and I went into Onie’s office alone. 

Onie said it was a slow night and I could go home now if I wanted.  I was worried I wouldn’t get as much pay if I left even half an hour early, but Onie said I would.  I went out and told Hans I could leave early but didn’t want to lose any pay.  Hans picked me up and carried me over to the swing where we had sex. 

At 11pm, it was time to go and I was still with Hans.  We had had sex four times between 9pm and 11pm, talking and kissing throughout.  He really is very smart and very good-looking.  And I was so excited to think of the girls he would get me for threesomes. 

I told Hans I had to shower and change, and then I would give him my contact information, and it should only take me a few minutes.  But Onie wanted to talk to me and brought me into his office. 

Onie said the other girls had complained that I spent the whole night with only two guys and they had to do all the work for the rest of the guys.  “But you said yourself it was a slow night,” I said, though, to be honest, since I’d been with Robert Hannibal and Hans the whole time, I hadn’t noticed it was slow.  “So it’s not like they had to do so much extra.”

Onie said I still could have had at least one or two other guys and I said, “No.”  I explained that when Robert Hannibal is here, I want to spend all my time with him.  I told Onie that Robert Hannibal takes me to couples-only clubs and I really like him and only want to be with him when he’s here, and that it’s not fair to ask me not to be with him when I like him so much. 

Onie said, “Okay, but after he left, you were only with one guy.”  I told Onie that normally I do a lot of work and guys are waiting in line for me.  He admitted that this was true.  “When I find a guy that’s good-looking and smart and I want to spend my time with him, I deserve this because I am with so many other guys all the other nights,” I told Onie. 

He agreed with me, but just asked me not to do this too often.  He paid me the same as he usually pays me, perhaps knowing that I would have thrown a fit if I’d been paid less than normal.

But by the time I’d left Onie’s office, I realized I’d been in there nearly 20 minutes and Hans was gone!  I was so sad.  I wish I had gotten his contact information before I went into Onie’s office but I didn’t know I’d be talking with Onie so long. 

I hope Hans comes back.  It’s so nice to be with a good-looking and smart guy, and I really wanted to have the threesomes with him and the girls he knows.  He would be my best chance to have hot threesomes.   Plus, he’s just a really great guy.

But somehow I know he won’t be back.   He’s so good-looking, girls will probably do anything he says and he can organize his own orgies and threesomes.  He doesn’t need me at all.  But I really need him.  I don’t know anyone I can have orgies or threesomes with, other than going to swing parties. 

So I feel really sad. 

I’m also really sad because yesterday in the airport before our class left, I texted Robert Hannibal to ask if there was any way I could see him on the 21^st when we get back into the city, since he and his family are leaving the very next day for their vacation.  He texted back: “Have a great trip.  That night would be rough; have to pack and have an early flight.”

This means I won’t see Robert Hannibal for at least a month, as I’ll be in Israel these ten days and then as soon as I get back, he’ll be in the DR for two weeks.  I miss him already. 

It is funny because most girls would miss Hans and not Robert Hannibal.  Hans is the typical good-looking guy.  He’s young, handsome, has a perfect man’s body.  Robert Hannibal is a little older and, although handsome, not as traditionally handsome as Hans, and Robert Hannibal has a little bit of a belly.   Hans has a six-pack. 

Sex with Hans is wild, and most girls would probably choose sex with him over Robert Hannibal.  But not me.  I feel something with Robert Hannibal that no other guy can get me to feel.  Even someone as handsome as Hans. 

Robert Hannibal is who I prefer.  To me, it is not even a contest.  If I am being paid to have sex with men, then naturally I am going to choose the best-looking and smartest guys at Onie’s, and with Robert Hannibal gone, Hans clearly was the next best choice.  But if I could choose who I really want to be with, who I love, who I’m attracted to, the answer is easily Robert Hannibal.

I miss Hans for the possibilities of orgies and threesomes with beautiful girls.  But I miss Robert Hannibal for him.

Logically, I can tell Hans is better-looking than Robert Hannibal.  Hans is who I should be attracted to.  But I’m not attracted to him.  I’m attracted to Robert Hannibal. I love Robert Hannibal.  

Robert Hannibal has changed my attitudes – written March 6, 2011 (email to my younger sister)

It’s getting close for me to leave on my class trip to Israel and I am hoping to see Robert Hannibal at least one time before I leave!  I realize he has really changed my attitude about sex, about love, about men. 

I try to explain to my younger sister how my viewpoint has changed, and I try to give her advice on her own struggles.   Just like me, she doesn’t live a conventional Mormon life, but also like me, she believes the LDS Church is true.  So we both struggle, just in different ways.  

This is from the email I sent to my sister tonight (I removed the parts that are personal for her and only included the section that refers to Robert Hannibal, but of course, it’s a long section!):

with robert hannibal, i have realized something similar.  i used to only be able to picture marriage if it was an open marriage, meaning i could date girls on the side and we could have orgies and threesomes.  my relationship with “dan” in the philippines was only that, and i was willing to marry him if i had to because i'd be able to have a marriage in the only way i could possibly picture it.  plus, i thought his kids were gorgeous and so smart and so adorable.  but i could only picture a marriage with me having girls and orgies and threesomes.

but meeting robert hannibal has changed that.  i feel so much more fulfilled when we are alone together. i love sex with him alone more than i like having another girl or other people alone.  i realize that if i had a choice, i would choose to only have sex with robert hannibal for the rest of my life. i would give up women. 

he makes me forget about everyone except for him.  now i know this is possible and now i don't believe in an open marriage anymore. i don't even believe in swinging anymore, though i used to think it was essential for marriages, so that partners could have variety but not be “cheating."  but now i truly believe monogamy is the most fulfilling marriage.  because of robert hannibal.  he is so amazing.

i've never had an orgasm with him, but i enjoy sex so much with him.  if we were married to each other, there would be plenty of time for us to work on that together, but as it is, i really don't feel i need it.  i just love being with him so much.  this is such new thought for me.  never would i have thought this before. 

i really really love him so much. even if we don't go to all the swinging parties, which is what i originally wanted with him, i even more just want to be alone with him.  i get jealous of other girls.  that has never happened to me with a guy before! this is so strange for me to be in love with a man, really and truly!

but of course he's married with two kids and i want him to have a monogamous relationship with his wife - once i'm done. 

i realize that when couples are into swinging and it makes them free, it might make them more free than a couple that is married and doesn't swing but it doesn't make them more free than a couple that is covenant in the temple - i realize that temple sealing and covenant between the couple make the crucial difference.  with that covenant, the marriage is at a higher level.  i realize that is what i want.  if i can just find someone that i can love as much as i love robert hannibal.

so [sister], i am so old and it has taken me this long to come to the realization, and i'm not even ready to fully make the commitment yet to prepare to go to the temple because i still want to be with robert hannibal more and i still want to go to more swinging parties, and i still want to make more money having sex. 

even though i know the swinging parties and the prostitution are not fulfilling, and that even sex with robert hannibal, as wonderful as it is, is not the ultimate fulfillment because it is not sealed in marriage and sealed in the temple, i want to do more of it just to really get it out of my system.  i want a few more months.

so with you, make the goal of where you want to be.  and try for it.  i hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize where you want to be. 

I talk about LDS Temple Marriage because I really believe that will provide the most fulfilling marriage and the sex life I think will be even more spiritual and rewarding than what I currently have with Robert Hannibal.  

Travolta Gay Rumors, Scotty Bowers Book Re: Secret Sex Lives of the Stars and Book Describing Marilyn's Lesbian Affairs

Regarding accusations that John Travolta sexually harassed male masseurs - that is one thing. No one should take advantage of his/her power or influence and harass anyone else, sexually or otherwise.

But all the talk about these accusations proving that Travolta is gay reminds me of the recent book by Scotty Bowers, “Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars” (see NY Times review here and laweekly.com review here). Some of the stars named in the book were predominately “straight” but had same-sex affairs. Bowers himself, who had flings with many of the male stars, married a woman.

Now, is it really so unusual for someone who identifies as “straight” to be attracted to the same sex? Years ago I briefly dated “Lisa,” who worked in the film industry. She told me that literally all the girls on set, basically straight girls, flirted with her and tried to get with her.

I asked Lisa why in the film industry there seems to be so much same-sex action, even among primarily straight people. I mentioned that I never heard of any same-sex flirtation at my job, or in other industries where my other friends worked. Lisa said that, for many people, the entertainment industry represents a fantasy where people can do what they want. They’re not limited to being gay or straight – they can be with whomever they want to be with.

Now, “Full Service” is certainly not the first book or article to say that many stars of yesteryear had same-sex affairs, nor will it be the last. For instance, my major celebrity crush as a teenager, Marilyn Monroe, had at least two lesbian encounters, one with her drama coach and one with Joan Crawford, according to the recently released transcript of tapes she gave her psychologist shortly before her death.

Though to be sure, many books are written expressly to cause controversy and thus gain sales. For instance, celebrity journalist Darwin Porter’s new book, “Marilyn at Rainbow’s End,” claims that Monroe had lesbian flings with Marlene Dietrich, Barbara Stanwyck, the aforementioned Joan Crawford, and the simply luscious Elizabeth Taylor. “The Globe” tabloid writes regarding the rumors in this book: “But in her diary, Liz wrote about a sexual encounter with Marilyn after a June 1961 Frank Sinatra party. ‘Her touch was electric,’ Taylor said. ‘I wanted to see how far the b**** would go. But she had to do all the work.’”

Granted, a “celebrity journalist” and a tabloid are sparking these rumors. Who knows if the stories are really true? I have not read Porter’s book, and cannot verify any of the author’s claims. (But I hope the Elizabeth Taylor rumor is true, as she will always be the celebrity I am most in love with, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived!)

And regarding the Marilyn transcripts, who knows how accurate the transcription is? Though I have to say I don’t see any reason for the tapes to have been transcribed incorrectly. Regardless, I don’t find it outlandish at all that Monroe, who starred in my first sexual dream, could have had many lesbian encounters, and in fact I find it quite believable.

I have not read Bowers’ book either, but from the reviews and interviews with Bowers that I have read, I don’t think the book is a fraud or just a sales ploy. Bowers seems very candid, decent, and genuine in interviews. Besides, I think it perfectly reasonable that celebrities in the past had same-sex affairs. And if stars in the past had same-sex affairs, why not today’s stars?

Further, why would celebrities be any different from everyday, ordinary people? Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all sexual beings? Don’t straight girls talk about girl crushes and straight men talk about man crushes? What if a straight girl acted on her girl crush? Would that automatically make her a lesbian?

No. Somehow we need to get past the binary world of gay/straight. On Kinsey’s scale, most people, although they may be closer to one end or the other, do not fall completely on one side. I am convinced that most people are some level of bisexual. Freud introduced the concept of innate bisexuality in all humans, and I agree with that. The potential is there for everyone, but individual experiences and behaviors can strengthen certain feelings and lessen other feelings. And not everyone is born with the same degree of bisexuality, let alone acts on such feelings.

To that end, sexuality is even more precisely described as a spectrum, as I first discovered in a post by Shashauna P. Thomas, to which I eagerly responded. Sexuality on a spectrum allows for greater fluidity. And as such, I don’t think John Travolta is completely gay or completely straight. He probably enjoys sex with men but I think he really loves his wife as well. His sexuality, like everyone’s, falls on a spectrum. In fact, I think very few people are completely homosexual. (Though I used to think I was. Until I met Robert Hannibal.)

For me, the larger issues with Travolta concern sexual harassment and adultery. If he did sexually harass others, that is wrong. If the Travolta-Preston marriage is a monogamous one, and these accusations of affairs are true, then he did cheat, and that is wrong.

But if he and his wife are in an open marriage and have a polyamorous relationship and understanding, then he did not cheat. Yet, notwithstanding the openness of the marriage, any harassment is wrong.

Regardless, I am tired of people assuming that because someone has had same-sex affairs it must mean the person is gay. No, it just means the person is a human, a sexual being. Aren’t we all?

My Response to: Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (Shashauna P. Thomas)

Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality

I love this post by Shashauna P. Thomas! I definitely agree with the human sexuality spectrum. Although most of my life I have been one of the few people in the far-flung homosexuality end of the spectrum, I have fallen in love with a man so hard, and when I'm with him, I have no desire for women at all.

The polyamorous and monogamous spectrum I also think is very fluid. I used to only be able to imagine marriage in polygamous or polyamorous forms. Now I think it can be most fulfilling in a monogamous form, but there are times I think occasional polyamory might need to creep in as well.

Sexuality and positions, whether dominant or submissive, as well as relationship ideals, whether polyamorous or monogamous, are definitely fluid. So much depends on where we are in life, who we are loving.

However, I worry that this very common-sense approach of human sexuality as fluid will be repressed by those who want to press for LGBT rights. Having been in the LGBT camp, I know it is important to stress the "born that way" idea.

Yet i think the "born that way" idea still applies, but to a much lesser degree. Human sexuality is indeed a spectrum, but some of us start on the spectrum, as pointed out in this excellent post, near the ends, not clustered in the middle with the majority. Our spectrum may not be as wide or fluid as often, but we definitely have fluidity, we definitely have a spectrum. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Thanks again to Shashauna P. Thomas for sharing!

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

Working at Onie’s club vs. working at nice couples party – Feb. 16, 2011

As I said earlier, when I was interviewing for this job with “PR,” the Puerto Rican promoter, I was led to believe that I would be the female part of the “couple,” with PR as the male part, and we would have lots of couples.

That was not the case. As I learned all too quickly, Onie’s club is primarily NSA open-room sex and group sex with single men.

PR also led me to believe that “Onie” was kind of a jerk, and that PR had my best interests in mind while Onie was just using us girls to get guys to attend the parties, and then paying us very little, considering all that we do.

It is true that we don’t get paid as much as if we were on our own, but I have come to realize that Onie is a good guy. I complained once about my pay to him and he texted me back after we agreed on increased pay for me: “Looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I really want you to be happy when you leave.”

Also, I still feel angry that I let PR have sex with me twice – I only did so because I thought I was interviewing for a job as a swing couple, and of course, if I’m supposed to be the “girlfriend,” the “boyfriend” needs to have sex with me. If I had gotten the job straight from Onie, I never would have had to sleep with PR. Not that PR is so bad in bed – he’s just like any other guy – but I just hate men having sex with me for free, and PR got to have me twice for free.

However, when I was working at Onie’s club on February 3, 2011, PR introduced me to a nice young couple, “India” and “Don.” The woman, “India,” was Indian, plump, but with a pretty face, and PR told them I was friendly and liked women.

India and Don told me they host couples-and-single-women-only parties, and when they told me the name of their parties, I was so excited! I told them I had heard about their parties and had read an article written by one of their hostesses about her experience at their parties.

They said that PR had told them I would be a good hostess and they asked if I wanted to be a hostess at their next party, which was Feb. 12 – of course I said yes! Finally I would get to go to a nice upscale party with young good-looking couples.

As a hostess at Don and India’s party, I would get to meet all the couples, and after things get into motion, I could start playing with the couples if I wanted. I couldn’t wait to finally be at a nice, classy swing party! I was so glad that PR had recommended me for this job.

After the couple left, PR asked me if I got to talk with Don and India, and I said yes, and that they told me about their parties that they host. PR then suggested that he and I go to their next party as a couple. I was a little confused because I thought PR had recommended me for the hostess job, which meant I couldn’t go as a couple, so I just said that I thought I would be going anyway.

When I left the club I was angry because I got an email from Robert Hannibal saying that he had gone to the bi club in Brooklyn that night – he didn’t get any action but I was still mad. I told him he needed to give me more notice because I had been working at Onie’s and couldn’t check my phone but would have gone with him to the bi club had I known. He said it was a “spontaneous decision,” but I was hurt because I want to always be included in any decision to go to a club – to go anywhere without his wife, actually.

I didn’t tell Robert Hannibal about my upcoming job to work at Don and India’s party – I decided I would tell him after the fact, and then he could fill me in on how the “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George” parties are, and we could do a comparison of our experiences.

In the meantime, I just looked forward to Don and India’s party, and when I was working at Onie’s club on Friday, Feb. 11th, I was so excited because the next day I would be working at a real, classy, couples swing party.

That night at Onie’s club, I got together with “Tattoo,” a tattooed white girl who wears a wig, but her rule is “Don’t touch the hair!” I don’t know if she wears the wig just to hide her identity when she works here or if she’s bald, but I haven’t asked her.

Tattoo is nice and cool, but also loud and aggressive and served in the military. She was good at going down on me and then she had all of us girls on the bed together at once and going at it. She wouldn’t let any of the men touch us – she would say, “No touching!” and she would slap their hands away if they tried.

I met a nice man that night who wanted to date me but I am only interested if he can take me to “One Leg Up” parties – that is my new mission when I’m working at Onie’s - find a man who can take me to OLU parties and “Do You Know George” parties. My contract is expiring March 31, 2011 and I want to make sure I have gone to those parties!

That night, of course, I wished Robert Hannibal was there. It never used to bother me too much having sex with men, but now that I know how wonderful sex with a man can be, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, it is even more of a chore to have sex with men. I miss Robert Hannibal so much. I had emailed him Feb. 7 about going to the bi club but he has not responded. I ache for him so much!

Saturday, Feb. 12, I was a little worried because that was the night of Don and India’s party, and they still hadn’t given me the address! I finally texted them around noon to find out what was going on, and they texted me that PR had said he would be in touch with me, so they “weren’t sure what was up.” I was so mad at PR. But they gave me the address and told me they could still use my help.

When I got to Don and India’s party that night, they said it was a good thing I had shown up because the guy who was supposed to do coat check hadn’t been in contact with them at all. So I was the coat check girl, and then I saw that Tattoo was the hostess! I was so mad! I asked her how she found out about the job, and she said PR had told her about it.

I was really upset with PR. He had tried to sabotage a job that I had originally been offered. And I was still sad that Robert Hannibal hadn’t contacted me. But I resolved to have fun that night regardless.

The party was in a penthouse suite in the Midtown East Side, and it was a two-story set-up with a spiral staircase. Very nice, with a nice large master bedroom and smaller bedroom downstairs, with the bar and lounge area upstairs.

And it was so refreshing being surrounded by young, good-looking couples, mostly in their 20’s and 30’s. The oldest couples were in their late 40’s, but all were nice-looking and dressed in cocktail attire. I enjoyed talking to them, and at one point Don asked me and Tattoo to go at it to get the couples motivated.

Tattoo went down on me in the lounge area in front of the bar, and the couples looked on. Tattoo is very good at this, and I realized I couldn’t be mad at her when it was PR who had tried to ruin my job, not Tattoo.

I met a nice, very good-looking couple, and was hoping the girl and I would get together, but it didn’t happen. The guy asked for my phone number, and I hope they call me. I like the girl a lot – she’s a typical hot blonde, which is not usually my type, but she was not just hot, she was very pretty, too.

I thought it so strange, however, that she went down on her boyfriend and said she was content just with that. She said it made her happy to make him happy. I knew inside myself that if Robert Hannibal actually had a commitment to me, such as marriage, I would go down on him. Even though I hate that act so much, I love him so much that if we were married I would do whatever he wanted sexually – just to make him happy.

Throughout the night, I compared the dynamics of this party with previous swing parties I had gone to and the orgies I used to have with “Dan” in the Philippines with his friends, and the “orgies” at Onie’s club.

With Dan, the group sex just happened organically, which I liked. At the swing parties I had gone to, I mostly just ended up with men, and one time I told the host I was mad because I had specifically gone to meet women, so the host introduced me to a couple and I ended up having a good time.

At Onie’s club, when a bunch of us are on the large bed together it is the most fun, but often we are having sex with one man while other men are touching us and kissing our bodies. We usually start off with icebreakers, which I hate but which PR loves, and that supposedly gets people going.

At this party, the bar upstairs was ostensibly the icebreaker, while the party game was a further icebreaker. With this game, each female was given a key and each male a lock. Each person had to find whoever their match was, and the idea was that their match wouldn’t be their own partner. Someone pointed out that the men should have the key in order for the game to be anatomically correct, but there were more keys than locks somehow.

Also at this party, most of the couples were real couples, meaning they were in committed relationships, and many were married. At Onie’s club, when couples do arrive, it is often just a guy, and a girl who helped him get in at the couple’s price.

There were two single women, and although one of the women got somewhat involved, the other didn’t. It really seemed better to have a partner.

One couple was a regular at Don and India’s parties, and they were married, just like Don and India. I wondered if I were married, would I still want an open marriage? With Dan, I would have married him to have an open marriage and also nice in-laws (since I’m not close with my own parents, I’m always looking for surrogate parents), but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, I realize I really do want a traditional marriage, meaning completely monogamous, if I can actually be in love with my husband, something that had always seemed unreal to me before.

However, I still like looking at and touching good-looking women, so I did a little of that as the party wound down, but then had to resume my coat-check duties. Most of the couples seemed to have a good time. I guess it was good for their marriages and relationship to shake it up a little by attending these types of parties occasionally, but I began to understand that if I were married to someone I love, I would rather be with him than with any woman.

After the party, I helped Don and India and “Bart,” the bartender, clean up. I asked Don and India again about what PR had said to them about me, and they said that he wanted to go to the party with me as a date, and he recommended Tattoo to be the hostess. I was so mad, because Don and India offered me the job first.

But we also talked about upcoming parties they would do, and I was so excited to be a part of this new classy couples world. The following morning I had to be at a church just a few blocks away for my class at school, so I spent the night in the suite with Don and India and Bart. Bart and I shared the bed in the smaller bedroom - he wanted to have sex with me, but he totally respected me when I said no.

The next Monday, PR left me a voice message asking me how Don and India’s party went, but I never called him back. The next day, Tuesday the 15th (yesterday), when I was working at Onie’s club, PR asked me why I didn’t return his call. I told PR I was upset that he tried to sabotage my job at the couples party, that Don and India had only needed one hostess and they were waiting to hear from him about me working there because he had told them he would be in touch with me.

PR denied it, of course, but I knew I couldn’t trust him. I just made my peace with him but internally I kept my distance. I also decided I wouldn’t let him kiss me anymore or touch me anymore. Previously, although I don’t let the customers kiss me, I would let PR kiss me because he was my boss and we had already kissed and had sex, and he is nice-looking. But now I wouldn’t.

The rest of the night was okay – I met a nice-looking Turkish guy who stayed with me til the end of the night – I always like to have a nice-looking and intelligent guy stay with me til the end of the shift because the later it gets, the less I want to work. But even though I was with this nice guy, I missed Robert Hannibal incredibly!

I'm still attracted to women, but I choose Robert Hannibal.

Part 3 – Dates (3c – Third Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

The Sunday after our Wednesday date, I emailed him and said I had fun and asked him if he wanted to go to any clubs this week. He said there was “better out there,” and mentioned a place called “Checkmates.” And he sent me a link to a Jamaican dancehall video in reference to my classmate’s project.

On Tuesday he emailed and said he may stop by Onie’s, the club where I work and where we met. I had a school event that night so was not able to work that night, but I emailed him this: “But let me know if you decide to go and I'll go just when you are there and I won't get paid.”

Then at 9:30, he said he would just go home instead, but at 10pm he emailed again and said he changed his mind and was going to Onie’s. I was kind of upset – I had basically told him straight up that I would go in to work only to see him, and not even get paid for it, and I felt he should have given me more notice. It would take me half an hour to get to Onie’s from school, which means I wouldn’t get there until 10:30pm, and the club closed at 11pm. I was kind of embarrassed to show up at my place of work just to be with Robert Hannibal, so I didn’t go at all.

He emailed me the next day and said Onie’s “was so ghetto. I'm over it; would have been a waste for you. How about this tonight?” and included a link to a tantra club. I was so excited, but we discovered that the tantra place was closed until after the new year.

We exchanged a few more emails throughout the week. Then, on Dec. 21st, I emailed him to see if he was going to Onie’s, and he replied: “No, the last time I went was really disappointing. The quality of the crowd has really deteriorated. I spent most my time talking to [Bartender].
I'd much prefer to hang out with you separately and explore different more mutually appealing scenes..
I'm curious - what does [Onie] usually give you? I can help offset that.”
I was so happy at this email. I told him I would prefer that too (of course I would!) and told him how much I usually get paid at Onie’s. He responded: “Sounds good. I'm limited through year end but don't mind treating a hard working student.”

Then he made a date for us to go back to Carousel the next night, another Wednesday. I was so happy. I would get paid just to be with the most amazing man in the world! (In my hostess dancing job that I had my last semester of college, when I would go out on dates with my customers, whether to a hotel or just a restaurant, I always got paid. But with this new job at Onie’s, I had only gone out with the shy divorced Filipino, and didn’t get paid. A week after this date with Robert Hannibal, I did go home with one of the customers at Onie’s, and did spend the night and get paid, but before this date with Robert Hannibal, I had not done so. And I hadn’t gotten paid for any of my dates with Robert Hannibal, but I didn’t need to. I just loved being with him so much. But now, if he wanted to pay me to be with him, that would make it even better! Getting paid to have the most amazing sex with the most wonderful man in the whole world! )

As we were emailing back and forth I told him he would have to text me because my iPhone was stolen. Then he sent me an email saying he was sorry to hear that, and another email a few hours later saying that he had misplaced my number. I was so sad at that point. If he really cared about me and was not married, he would not have misplaced my number. If he was married, then it didn’t matter if he cared about me or not, but it would certainly make sense that he would have lost my number.

But I was too excited to see him again to worry about that. There were even fewer people there at Carousel that night, probably because it was the Wednesday right before Christmas. We walked around for a bit and upon seeing not many people there, and no couples really, we went in the room with the large bed and closed the door.

I will always remember that night. When we started having sex, and beginning, middle, and end with him is always amazing, I just felt myself go. He turned me over at one point and as I looked back at him, I saw the expression on his face. He was so completely overcome. I’ve seen other men have that expression when they’re with me but the way Robert Hannibal’s face looked was even more overcome. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I felt such compassion and love for him at that moment, more even than I usually feel for him. After he orgasmed, he lay on top of me, my back to his front, and said softly, in almost a whisper, his breath to the back of my neck, “Oh, [Polly, Polly].”

Hearing him say my name like that meant more than when anyone else has said it, with the exception of my ex-girlfriend “Dee.” I was completely in love. I had known for awhile that I was falling in love with him, and definitely that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know how to fully own up to those facts. I had never been attracted to a man before, had never loved a man before. I didn’t know how to process it. But I loved loving him. And I felt so much love for him.

I guess sex with him is so amazing because it is really making love. Whether he is making love to me or having sex, it feels like he’s making love. Maybe every woman feels that with him. But when I’ve seen him at Onie’s club or at Trapeze, he is usually standing or kneeling when he’s having sex – with me, our bodies are intertwined. I do feel like it’s making love. Regardless, I am making love to him. And I’ve never made love to a man before.

After awhile, the owner of the club knocked on the door and said we weren’t allowed to close the door here. I was glad he hadn’t interrupted us earlier. As Robert Hannibal and I were getting dressed, I asked him questions about his kids (a girl and boy). He talked about how his kids were so excited because his mother was coming to stay with them for Christmas. “Grandma’s here!” he told me his kids will say, and they will wake up so early just to see her. I fell even more in love with him at that. He was such a good father to his children.

I always feel more compassion for men who are fathers. “Dan,” the lazy Filipino into group sex, disgusted me at first but when I saw how he was with his son and two daughters, I felt so much compassion for him. Something about fatherhood always softens me, and I just thought how lucky Robert Hannibal’s children were to have such a great father.

I was more in love with Robert Hannibal the more he talked about his kids, and the more he talked about them, the more I was sure he wasn’t married. So I finally had courage to ask him if he was married. I was fully expecting him to say he was divorced, or he was married but they were separated and were getting a divorce. But he just said, “yes.”

I didn’t miss a beat and said we should all do a threesome! I asked how long they’d been married (seven years) and asked what his wife looked like (white, European-looking). We went out to the common area and sat on one of the chairs, me sitting on his lap, and I asked him more questions. Apparently, he and his wife used to swing together, but now she’s busy “being a mom.” (“That’s important,” I told him, “She should be.”). He also said that his wife didn’t like white men (“She sounds like me,” I said). I told him he was lucky to have a wife who was cool with swinging, even if she wasn’t into it right now. At least they had in the past. “You know how many husbands would want that?” I said. I told him again I wanted a threesome with his wife, and he said he wasn’t sure his wife was in the right headspace for it, but it was a possibility.

He told me married life is different. He mentioned some TV program he and his wife were watching that said something about two people who live in the same house and don’t have sex and his wife said, “just like a married couple!” Robert Hannibal laughed when he told me this.

Now, many of the men at my hostess dancing job in college were married, and so I had already developed some compassion and understanding for married men in general, and the sexual frustrations they often feel in their marriage. My hostess dancing work taught me not to completely blame the men who committed adultery – there was usually more to the story. I figured Robert Hannibal and his wife were in the “Seven Year Itch” phase of their marriage, where sex has gotten stale, especially for him, if he is used to wild swing parties with his wife in the past.

I felt lucky to be able to be with Robert Hannibal, even if there was no future with him. This is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever enjoyed having sex with, the first man I’ve ever been in love with. But I didn’t want to tell him any of this. I felt like it would be disrespectful to his wife. I care about his wife, because she is the woman married to the man I love, the one that he chose.

In the past when I wanted a threesome, it was for me to be able to have a woman in a socially accepted situation. Even when married men would flirt with me, I would always imagine having a threesome with the wife. A threesome was the way for me to deal with the man but get to have the woman at the same time.

But in this case I didn’t want the threesome for the woman. I wanted it to legitimize being with Robert Hannibal, to make it not be cheating. A threesome would be a way of me getting to have Robert Hannibal in an open share with his wife. It would be a compromise. I couldn’t have him to myself, and I didn’t want to take him away from his wife, when it came down to it. But if we could both have him together…

Plus, I felt like Robert Hannibal’s wife and I had so much in common. Neither of us like white men, although we are both white ourselves. As for me, though, I don’t like black men either. I don’t like men in general, but I’ve always felt someone with brown skin, probably from South Asia, would be the most attractive to me. Robert Hannibal has brown skin but is from Jamaica, yet he doesn’t seem black to me. His features are not African. He is just him.

Before Robert Hannibal put me in a cab that night, he showed me a picture of his wife holding his son. It wasn’t a good picture of her, so I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like, but his little son had nice dark skin. “He has my complexion,” Robert Hannibal said. He’s such a good father!

Then I told him I still wanted to go to the “One Leg Up” parties, and he said the parties were on the weekends, and he added, “I can’t be your guy.” But he said during the week, we could still go to places together. It was almost a relief to know that he was in fact married and there is no future with him, and I think he was glad he could now be open about it as well. But it didn’t stop me from loving him.

We smiled and kissed and told each other, “Merry Christmas.” He said he would contact me after the holidays. I didn’t even ask him what he meant when he had emailed that he could “help offset” the money I get at Onie’s club – I didn’t care about being paid when I was with him. I just loved him so much.

I resolved to just enjoy the time I had with him. When I first started trying to get into this swinging world, back in August 2010, I knew my time would be short because I eventually wanted to go back fully and completely in the Mormon church. I just wanted to get this out of my system, especially being with women, because once I was totally back in the church, I would only be able to have sex with my husband. I never expected I’d be able to enjoy sex with my husband, but I know I could tolerate it.

But having met Robert Hannibal, I thought there must be another man out there that I could really love. The Lord would not be so cruel as to make the only man I could love be one who was already married.

Gay Marriage Bill in New York Is Not True Marriage Equality

First, gay marriage is a misnomer. The correct term is same-sex marriage. Not everyone who is or wants to be married to a person of the same gender identifies as gay - some identify as bisexual. The term “gay marriage” is thus not only very limiting but completely wrong.

Furthermore, how is marriage between two people, regardless of gender, considered “equality,” when marriage between more than two people is not legal? There are many of us who believe in polyamory – why can’t there be legal benefits to polyamorous situations as well?

Also, some religious groups, notably FLDS and Islam, allow polygamy. Those in the FLDS church, for instance, believe polygamy is essential to their eternal salvation. Not allowing plural marriage amounts to religious discrimination.

Until polyamorous relationships can be legally recognized as marriage, there is no marriage equality. Those of you who truly believe in equality should recognize that the fight is not over.

Judge Walker’s Prop 8 Ruling – Aug. 2010

Judge Walker’s Ruling on Prop 8

Aug. 5, 2010
While most in the LGBT community are rejoicing over Judge Walker’s ruling that Prop 8 is unconstitutional, I am not rejoicing. First of all, I have read writings questioning Judge Walker’s impartiality because he himself is gay, stating that the ruling would have carried more weight coming from a straight judge. Now, I would hope that judges would be impartial no matter what, but I have seen far too many “activist judges” and “legislating from the bench,” so I don’t want to completely dismiss those concerns.

Rachel Maddow’s reaction to the Prop 8 ruling mentioned that people come to America “for the religious liberties.” The great irony in all of this “equal marriage for all” debate is that those who believe in plural marriage are not able to legally pursue their own religious liberties.

My issue with celebrating this ruling is this: If you are in favor of same-sex marriage, why are you not in favor of plural marriage? If one is fighting for equal marriage rights for all, shouldn’t “all” really mean “all” and not just one’s own group? The very language used in the ruling, referring to marriage as something “couples” do, is discriminatory in its face. Why can only “couples” marry? Why is plural marriage not a legal option? If we want marriage to be inclusive, we shouldn’t set limits that favor what we want.

I used to want same-sex marriage, and then polyamory, and by extension I was in favor of plural marriage, but now I just try to think of what is fair and equitable and best for society. If we want to make the standard of marriage as one man and one woman, fine. If we want to be all-inclusive, fine. But then “all” must really mean “all” and “inclusive” must really mean “inclusive.” Plural marriage must be considered in the equation.

Sexual Dreams – May 2009

May 2009

Okay, now I’ve had my second sexual dream about a man, and again this is occurring many months after I had made my promise to God that I would be celibate until marriage and would abstain from women.

What necessitated this promise was the realization that an affair I was having with one of my married friends was wrong, and was unfair to his wife and family, and also that a somewhat simultaneous (though extremely short) affair with another (unmarried) guy, which was really a series of orgies and threesomes with him and his (often married) friends (though all the girls were unmarried) was likewise wrong.

I believed that my only hope for a marriage with a man would be an open marriage, a truly polyamorous relationship (and hoping with the orgies that I would finally orgasm with a man, but I never did), so I wanted to try it out.  Plus, I thought if we did have to get married, he would just be my first husband (as I am still haunted by a palm reader who said I would be married twice and the first marriage would be short and she looked at me and said she was sorry).

And I was going to help him get to America with a fiancé visa, and I would want his kids to be here also.  I would still want to keep the connection with the Philippines, and since my step-grandmother is Filipina, I have long felt a real bond to that country.  But I really wanted his kids to live here in the States and have the opportunities America can provide.  I really love his three kids – they are the most beautiful, adorable kids ever.

But I finally realized my relationships, both with my married friend and with the guy in the Philippines, were wrong, and my ideas were wrong.  Even though I love his kids so much, his kids didn’t come first to me – I was always wanting to have a girlfriend or be in an orgy and so the kids weren’t priority.  That’s very selfish.

So when I left the Philippines, I promised God I would be chaste (I wasn’t completely faithful in that promise, as it took a few more months to completely end the adulterous affair with my good friend, but I have been faithful since).

So this dream I just had was a threesome, with some guy’s sex organ (sorry – I hate all names for it, whether legitimate or slang – I think the names for it are as ugly as it is) inside both me and another girl at the exact same time, which is obviously impossible, but he had two! Can you imagine two of the ugly sex organ men are so proud of (for some strange reason) on one man?  The man in my dream was certainly proud to have two of these ugly sex organs.

And I was disgusted, but I wanted to be with the girl so I let him go inside me and he was showing off that he had two sexual organs.  The whole thing was as unsexy as could be, but I put up with it, because I liked the girl.  I thought of how this was kind of like reverse double penetration.

But when I woke up I knew the dream was referencing the times when I’ve had two guys inside me at the same time (sometimes both vaginally, which never last as long, and sometimes one vaginally, one anally). I don’t find it particularly exciting to be doubly penetrated, whether both vaginally, or vaginally and anally at the same time – but guys love it so much.  Guys are so lame.

Thus my second sexual dream with a man, years and years apart from the first one!  And, just like the first one, another woman was in the picture.  I can’t picture myself ever having a sexual dream with a man where I’m actually turned on, especially if there is no other woman.  But I know it’s possible.

I hope so, anyway. I would really like to be normal, for once in my life.