Kevin Stea Ruled the Gap Go-Go Commercial

I will always remember seeing the Gap Khaki Go-Go commercial in the late ‘90s.   Usually when watching dancers, I only notice the females.  Not just because I think women are beautiful and more visually appealing than men, but I also think women are better and more interesting dancers. 

When I saw the Gap Go-Go commercial, I loved it immediately for two reasons.  One, the music.  It was the first time I’d ever heard James Clarke’s “Blow Up a Go-Go (Wild Elephants)” and I was in love with that music.  I could not get enough.

But even more, the man in the center was amazing.  My eyes drew to him and did not see anyone else.  He was such a captivating dancer, with such charisma. And the way he looked at the camera in the beginning was so powerful that I could not look away from him.  When he briefly disappeared offscreen, I hoped he would reappear soon. I was so surprised that a man could take over my attention that I, a lesbian, did not even see any of the women. 

I couldn’t understand how this dancer affected me so much.  I was not attracted to him (for me, attraction means I want to kiss the person, etc.), and I didn’t want to kiss him or anything.  I wondered if he was gay, though I hated to stereotype him as gay just because he was a dancer.  But my lack of sexual attraction for him did not negate from the electricity I felt when he danced.  I wanted to continue to watch him dance.   And only him.

Fourteen years later, and someone recently happened to mention old commercials and music from the ‘90s. I thought of the Gap Go-Go commercial.  Finding it on youtube, I saw that the man in the center still affected me in the same way.  Through the wonders of the Internet, I was able to find out his name, Kevin Stea.  Since I love giving compliments (though I cannot give false compliments), I sent him the following email:

hi kevin, 

i just feel i should tell you that over a decade ago when the gap go-go commercial came out, i was transfixed by your performance.  normally i only notice women in dance groups, for i'm lesbian.  but when that commercial came out, you had such charisma, not to mention the most captivating dance performance, that i only noticed you in the whole group. i was often amazed throughout the years that there was a male dancer that could draw me away from all the females, not in an attraction-based way, but due to the power and charisma that this man had.  

recently someone was talking about the gap commercials from the 90's and i remembered the gap go-go commercial, and looked it up on youtube. again, i was loving your performance and, again, i only saw you!  so i wanted to know you are! 

i even asked a question on yahoo answers to find out and saw that someone had already asked this question in 2007:

< 

Lead male dancer from Gap "Khaki-a-Go-Go" commercial?

What is the name of the lead male dancer in the "Khaki-a-Go-Go" Gap commercial from 1998? He's the guy in the black t-shirt with dark, curly hair who is the star at the beginning of the commercial and fades into the chorus of dancers. I think he was also in the Gap vests commercial from around the same time.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Kevin Stea?

•    6 years ago

•    Report Abuse

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Asker's Comment:

Thanks. I found some Kevin Stea fansites and now I'm pretty sure he's the right guy.

Other Answers

Don't know, but he was HOT!

•    6 years ago

•    > 

Then, when i went back to the youtube clip, i saw in the comments section that others noticed you particularly as well: 

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Agreed re: the man in the center. Normally the women in any dance group hold my attention but in this ad, the man in the center has so much charisma and dance power that he is the only one I notice.

‪polly olga yobek ‪‪1 day ago

i love the man in the center

‪shogokawahara ‪‪2 years ago ‪3 

What is the name of the dancer in the center at the beginning with the curly hair? He's really good!!

‪bellier ‪‪3 years ago ‪2  

He really is, and cute too! :P

‪ekomancer ‪in reply to ‪bellier ‪3 years ago

‪‪Kevin Stae. He's toured with Madonna, walked runway for CK, Tommy, Coultier, and was in "Naked Boys Singing" if you want to see...ahem...More of him :-P

‪‪‪ruggeddusty‪‪ ‪in reply to ‪bellier ‪3 years ago

Oh god... this is already 10 years old?!?!?

I'm feeling my age.

Gotta love the Fosse-esque choreography and wow Kevin Stea?!?! sweet

‪Earthmage ‪‪4 years ago ‪5

who is Kevin Stea? is he the guy in the first part...looks Asian?

‪maryquant1967 ‪in reply to ‪Earthmage (Show the comment) ‪3 years ago

Yep! That's the one.

‪Earthmage ‪in reply to ‪maryquant1967 ‪3 years ago

he's ssssssssssssmokin'

‪maryquant1967 ‪in reply to ‪Earthmage ‪3 years ago

if youre talking about the guy in the middle its kevin stea-he was in newsies! LOVE him. hes in a show called naked boys singing right now.... :)

‪FallKABOOM ‪in reply to ‪Ratdog93 (Show the comment) ‪4 years ago

Kevin Stea is asian.. the cute boy in the middle isn't..

‪Ratdog93 ‪in reply to ‪FallKABOOM (Show the comment) ‪4 years ago

well the one in the middle is definitely kevin stea...it's for sure.

‪momoprincessxo ‪in reply to ‪Ratdog93 (Show the comment) ‪4 years ago

does anyone know the name of the cute main male dancer??

‪Ratdog93 ‪‪4 years ago

if you're refering to the one with the big hair in the middle he was one of madonna's dancers. he was in her Truth or Dare movie. he was also a dancer in the movie Showgirls but had just a few lines in it. but i don't know his name. he's a great dancer though. total flamer but hey....

‪nobhiller ‪in reply to ‪Ratdog93 ‪4 years ago

I absolutely love Kevin Stea! He's such a talented guy!

‪wannabesurfahgirl ‪‪6 years ago

Funny thing is that Kevin is also in the Austin Powers movie doing about the same dance moves during the opening credits...

‪choitoy57 ‪in reply to ‪wannabesurfahgirl ‪5 years ago

I've always got my eyes locked on that male dancer in the center. Man, he is cuuute!

‪mikey42 ‪‪5 years ago

> 

So I just wanted to share this with you to let you know that your appearance in that Gap commercial stayed with me all these many years, and obviously with others too!  I think it's pretty amazing that one person in one commercial can have such a lasting impact for so many people, so i just want to let you know.  

Now I've read of some of the other work that you are doing and i'm even more impressed with how extremely talented you are.  i wish you all the best in your future endeavors, and thank you for being the wonderful dancer that you are!

I am still amazed that a male dancer had such an effect on me that I never forgot it.  

Mormon Lesbian Version of The Weed: Club Unicorn: June 2012

The Weed: Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary

When I read the “Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling.  I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed.  After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex. 

This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:

“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I've gone through, only a different gender.  All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men.  But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him.  However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that's too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women.  I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference.  So thank you for sharing.”

Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage.

I find all these concerns misplaced.  Let me address each one.

1) Is it real love? - Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love.  They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex.   A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love.

So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex?  Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife.  How is that not considered real, or true?

2) Mixed orientation marriages - Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc.  Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa. 

What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage.  The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage.  That commitment is more important than anything else.

3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife. 

I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly.  Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on.  And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast. 

In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women.  Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on.  And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together. 

That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women.  This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal.  And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved.  If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win.  It is not even a contest. 

Why is that?  As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.”  The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm.  Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment. 

4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself - How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself?  Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself? 

If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise?  How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed?  How do they know better than Josh Weed does? 

What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man?  Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife?  And she him? 

Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship.  If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself? 

To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore.  Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits.  Is this person being true to himself? 

Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled.  And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself.  

Travolta Gay Rumors, Scotty Bowers Book Re: Secret Sex Lives of the Stars and Book Describing Marilyn's Lesbian Affairs

Regarding accusations that John Travolta sexually harassed male masseurs - that is one thing. No one should take advantage of his/her power or influence and harass anyone else, sexually or otherwise.

But all the talk about these accusations proving that Travolta is gay reminds me of the recent book by Scotty Bowers, “Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars” (see NY Times review here and laweekly.com review here). Some of the stars named in the book were predominately “straight” but had same-sex affairs. Bowers himself, who had flings with many of the male stars, married a woman.

Now, is it really so unusual for someone who identifies as “straight” to be attracted to the same sex? Years ago I briefly dated “Lisa,” who worked in the film industry. She told me that literally all the girls on set, basically straight girls, flirted with her and tried to get with her.

I asked Lisa why in the film industry there seems to be so much same-sex action, even among primarily straight people. I mentioned that I never heard of any same-sex flirtation at my job, or in other industries where my other friends worked. Lisa said that, for many people, the entertainment industry represents a fantasy where people can do what they want. They’re not limited to being gay or straight – they can be with whomever they want to be with.

Now, “Full Service” is certainly not the first book or article to say that many stars of yesteryear had same-sex affairs, nor will it be the last. For instance, my major celebrity crush as a teenager, Marilyn Monroe, had at least two lesbian encounters, one with her drama coach and one with Joan Crawford, according to the recently released transcript of tapes she gave her psychologist shortly before her death.

Though to be sure, many books are written expressly to cause controversy and thus gain sales. For instance, celebrity journalist Darwin Porter’s new book, “Marilyn at Rainbow’s End,” claims that Monroe had lesbian flings with Marlene Dietrich, Barbara Stanwyck, the aforementioned Joan Crawford, and the simply luscious Elizabeth Taylor. “The Globe” tabloid writes regarding the rumors in this book: “But in her diary, Liz wrote about a sexual encounter with Marilyn after a June 1961 Frank Sinatra party. ‘Her touch was electric,’ Taylor said. ‘I wanted to see how far the b**** would go. But she had to do all the work.’”

Granted, a “celebrity journalist” and a tabloid are sparking these rumors. Who knows if the stories are really true? I have not read Porter’s book, and cannot verify any of the author’s claims. (But I hope the Elizabeth Taylor rumor is true, as she will always be the celebrity I am most in love with, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived!)

And regarding the Marilyn transcripts, who knows how accurate the transcription is? Though I have to say I don’t see any reason for the tapes to have been transcribed incorrectly. Regardless, I don’t find it outlandish at all that Monroe, who starred in my first sexual dream, could have had many lesbian encounters, and in fact I find it quite believable.

I have not read Bowers’ book either, but from the reviews and interviews with Bowers that I have read, I don’t think the book is a fraud or just a sales ploy. Bowers seems very candid, decent, and genuine in interviews. Besides, I think it perfectly reasonable that celebrities in the past had same-sex affairs. And if stars in the past had same-sex affairs, why not today’s stars?

Further, why would celebrities be any different from everyday, ordinary people? Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all sexual beings? Don’t straight girls talk about girl crushes and straight men talk about man crushes? What if a straight girl acted on her girl crush? Would that automatically make her a lesbian?

No. Somehow we need to get past the binary world of gay/straight. On Kinsey’s scale, most people, although they may be closer to one end or the other, do not fall completely on one side. I am convinced that most people are some level of bisexual. Freud introduced the concept of innate bisexuality in all humans, and I agree with that. The potential is there for everyone, but individual experiences and behaviors can strengthen certain feelings and lessen other feelings. And not everyone is born with the same degree of bisexuality, let alone acts on such feelings.

To that end, sexuality is even more precisely described as a spectrum, as I first discovered in a post by Shashauna P. Thomas, to which I eagerly responded. Sexuality on a spectrum allows for greater fluidity. And as such, I don’t think John Travolta is completely gay or completely straight. He probably enjoys sex with men but I think he really loves his wife as well. His sexuality, like everyone’s, falls on a spectrum. In fact, I think very few people are completely homosexual. (Though I used to think I was. Until I met Robert Hannibal.)

For me, the larger issues with Travolta concern sexual harassment and adultery. If he did sexually harass others, that is wrong. If the Travolta-Preston marriage is a monogamous one, and these accusations of affairs are true, then he did cheat, and that is wrong.

But if he and his wife are in an open marriage and have a polyamorous relationship and understanding, then he did not cheat. Yet, notwithstanding the openness of the marriage, any harassment is wrong.

Regardless, I am tired of people assuming that because someone has had same-sex affairs it must mean the person is gay. No, it just means the person is a human, a sexual being. Aren’t we all?

My Response to: Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (Shashauna P. Thomas)

Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality

I love this post by Shashauna P. Thomas! I definitely agree with the human sexuality spectrum. Although most of my life I have been one of the few people in the far-flung homosexuality end of the spectrum, I have fallen in love with a man so hard, and when I'm with him, I have no desire for women at all.

The polyamorous and monogamous spectrum I also think is very fluid. I used to only be able to imagine marriage in polygamous or polyamorous forms. Now I think it can be most fulfilling in a monogamous form, but there are times I think occasional polyamory might need to creep in as well.

Sexuality and positions, whether dominant or submissive, as well as relationship ideals, whether polyamorous or monogamous, are definitely fluid. So much depends on where we are in life, who we are loving.

However, I worry that this very common-sense approach of human sexuality as fluid will be repressed by those who want to press for LGBT rights. Having been in the LGBT camp, I know it is important to stress the "born that way" idea.

Yet i think the "born that way" idea still applies, but to a much lesser degree. Human sexuality is indeed a spectrum, but some of us start on the spectrum, as pointed out in this excellent post, near the ends, not clustered in the middle with the majority. Our spectrum may not be as wide or fluid as often, but we definitely have fluidity, we definitely have a spectrum. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Thanks again to Shashauna P. Thomas for sharing!

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

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