Re: DSK Didn’t Know Women at Orgies Were Prostitutes

Dominick-Strauss-Kahn’s claim that he didn’t know that the women at the orgies he attended were prostitutes speaks to the larger issue of some powerful men’s delusions. Does DSK really think that any woman would choose to have sex with an old, pot-bellied man like him? The women were most definitely paid!

As someone who has worked in the sex industry while in college and then this past year while in graduate school, I’ve seen men’s egos and delusions up close. Although both my jobs involved some sort of sexual encounter with men in exchange for money, only the men at my hostess dancing job knew this outright, for they directly paid us. We even called the men our “customers.” They knew we were there for money.

Working at Onie’s parties is a different story. A wide variety of men – all different ages, races, nationalities, and income-class levels – pay to attend Onie’s wild sex party. And what all these men have in common is that they all want sex in a swinger or orgy setting. And we provide it for them. Of course, we are paid to do so.

Now, most of the men think the other women and I are all hard-core swingers and just love sex with men and love attending these orgy parties regularly. They think we just can’t get enough sex.

But many of the men figure out that we women are getting paid. With me, because it is obvious I am not into sex with any of them (now, of course Robert Hannibal, the only man I’ve ever loved, is the exception – I love being with him!), some men will question me.

And since I refuse to go down on a guy or even touch him, many of the men, after recovering from their astonishment that I won’t give blow-jobs or hand-jobs, have asked me if I’m paid. I usually answer evasively, but I don’t change my behavior. I am getting paid to be there and have sex, but I am not getting paid to pretend I enjoy it. I never fake anything.

With the other women, although many of them do enjoy sex with these men, their eagerness tips off some of the guys. In what real-life swing party does a middle-aged women walk up to each man and ask, “Want a blow-job?” I’ve never seen that at any real couples-only swing party.

Although most of the men who attend Onie’s parties think we just like having lots of sex in general, there are a few who are narcissistic and think that women really want to be with them in particular. That they’re really pleasing us and that we’re really fortunate to be with them. These men remind me of DSK, and DSK reminds me of these men.

A man like DSK deludes himself into thinking that women actually find him desirable. I am sure when he encountered the maid in the hotel room he thought he was irresistible to her. He may even have thought how lucky she was that she got to service him.

I do wonder what the hotel maid was thinking. Did she really feel forced to go down on him? Or was she planning to trap him? I may have had sex with over 1,000 different men, but it’s mostly been for money. I can’t imagine anything other than dollars going through her mind. I, however, have never tried to use a man for a lawsuit or take advantage of him. In my job situations, I am there for a job.

I’ve always thought that if men didn’t have power, what on earth could be attractive about them? I don’t know if men like Dominick Strauss-Kahn and the equally (or moreso?) seriously deluded Silvio Berlusconi, with his stupid bunga bunga parties, think that they are attractive to women regardless. Do they really think that women would want to have sex with such old, ugly men? Or do they know that without their power, they hold no attraction?

I hope the latter. But I think their many sexual conquests have made them blind to how unattractive they truly are.

Still Working at Onie’s Club – written March 5, 2011

Everytime I work at “Onie’s” club I am amazed that this is where I met Robert Hannibal. Who would have thought that my NSA swinger job would lead me to the first man I have ever been attracted to! Especially when I look at all the other men who go to Onie’s – some of the other women who work here with me will point out certain guys that they think are cute or that they want to have sex with and I still don’t understand it. How can anyone like any guy unless the guy is Robert Hannibal?

Not that the guys who go to Onie’s are so bad. It’s just that Robert Hannibal is so amazing. I wish he would go to Onie’s more often, but he has such a busy life with work and his family, that he can’t make it very often.

But I am so glad to have the extra money I make at Onie’s club, and the work is so easy. And I have met many interesting guys here. My goal this whole time has been to find one who will take me to a One Leg Up party – and it looks like I will finally get to go!

“New,” the Indian who lives in New Jersey who wanted me to be his girlfriend and who met me here at Onie’s, early on lost his status as a contender for One Leg Up. About a month ago, he told me he was not really comfortable with group sex, or even with threesomes, so I didn’t bother to tell him about One Leg Up.

But he told me he wants to take me to India in May! I love India and have been fascinated with that country for as long as I can remember. But I don’t feel like New and I have much in common as far as dating goes. Or even conversation! He’s very smart and works in Wall Street, and he speaks English well and he’s tall and nice-looking, I guess, but I get so bored with him. But if I’m in India, who cares if “New” bores me? I will be in India!

However, I was awarded a fellowship that will take me abroad the end of May and beginning of June, and with school getting out mid-May, going to India will be hard for me to pull off in May. But I still keep seeing New because perhaps we can go to India in June or something, or I can fit the trip in between school and the fellowship. We don’t talk about details – he just says he wants to take me to India with him in May and I say, “I’ve always loved India!”

I let New take me out to dinner and to movies and I let him sleep with me. I usually spend the night at his place in New Jersey on the weekends, and since he has such a big bed it is much more comfortable than my little tiny excuse for a bed. Last night, for instance, we saw a movie and I spent the night, and then today he took me to Edison, New Jersey for lunch. He told me he was trying to give me a break from all my studying.

But he doesn’t understand that I love my school! I love being at school. I don’t need a break from it, and definitely not a break with him. We seriously do not have anything to talk about.

And the whole time we were driving to Edison I asked him how far it was, and he said it wasn’t too far, but I didn’t get back to campus until 4pm! I was so annoyed. I had so much I needed to read and wanted to get it done and still make it to [a church friend]’s birthday party tonight.

But I just kept thinking of a trip to India. New knows he is not the only guy I see. I have told New that I am in love with a married guy who I am still seeing. And I still work at Onie’s club, which means I have sex with lots of men. But I am also still interested in going to India! So as long as New continues to be okay with me still seeing Robert Hannibal and working at Onie’s, I’ve got a free trip to India in May!

New hasn’t gone back to Onie’s club, but recently there was a couple there, and so I got involved with both the guy and the girl of the couple. Having a couple with a cute girl always makes the job more endurable. But couples don’t go to Onie’s very often, and they rarely come back if they do.

Also, I met a guy, “Finance News Guy,” this past Tuesday, March 1, who used to work for [News Organization] and now works in finance. Onie specifically introduced me to Finance News Guy, who spent as much time with me as he could, even after he had sex with me, though other guys were with me as well.

Finance News Guy said he would be willing to help me with my career when I graduate. I didn’t exchange contact info with him, but since Onie knows him, I’m sure he’ll be back. Finance News Guy is most certainly married with kids, and looks like a sweet nice man, in his 40’s with light brown hair, who no one would ever suspect of going to a swinger’s club.

I have found that many of the men I have met at Onie’s fit this description, of an atypical attendee at a swinger’s club. Most notably Robert Hannibal!

This same night I met an ex-Mormon, “Ex-Mormon,” and he was really fun to talk to. I even invited him to the LDS Institute class I go to on Wednesday nights, and he actually showed up. He was surprised that I do this work and that I still love the LDS church and consider myself a Mormon – he thought it was such a contradiction.

But I explained to him that I believe everything in our church. It makes so much sense to me. I am sure there is some reason why the law of chastity should be obeyed, and why prostitution is wrong, but I don’t understand why. I told him about my “contract deadline,” how I’m going to give up all this sex work and swinging and premarital sex in general, but that right now I just want to be a part of it.

I also told him that I really only liked women before, but now I’m in love with a man, Robert Hannibal. I said I wanted to eventually have the Mormon temple marriage. But not yet.

When Ex-Mormon showed up at Institute, I introduced him to my friends, and everyone was really friendly to him. Mormons are very friendly people. I didn’t mention that Ex-Mormon used to be Mormon – I didn’t want anyone questioning him. He still hadn’t told me all his reasons for leaving the church.

Ex-Mormon had to leave Institute early, but he wanted to know why I do this NSA sex work. I had previously told him at Onie’s that this type of work is not a big deal to me and doesn’t mean much to me – it’s a great way to earn easy money, but we didn’t have time to talk more than that. And then last night after Institute he had to leave. But we have each other’s contact info so I hope we stay in touch.

Tuesday night was such a great night for meeting so many interesting guys, and most importantly, I was so happy because I met a guy, “Ole,” who has gone to One Leg Up parties before! Ole used to go with his ex-girlfriend, and when they broke up, he tried to enroll for membership but was declined – single men are not allowed to One Leg Up parties. He asked if I wanted to go to the parties with him and of course I said yes! We will have to write an essay and submit pictures but finally, I will be able to attend a One Leg Up party!

Ever since Robert Hannibal first told me about the One Leg Up parties, I was so excited about them. I imagined all these beautiful, elegant women in a fancy house or hotel penthouse with nice food.

Of course, when he first told me about the parties, I thought he and I would be able to go together. That was before I asked him if he was married, and ever since he told me he was married and that he wouldn’t be able to take me to a OLU party, since they are on the weekends, I have been determined to find someone at Onie’s who could take me. Now, with meeting Ole, this goal is finally nearing reality!

Working at Onie’s club vs. working at nice couples party – Feb. 16, 2011

As I said earlier, when I was interviewing for this job with “PR,” the Puerto Rican promoter, I was led to believe that I would be the female part of the “couple,” with PR as the male part, and we would have lots of couples.

That was not the case. As I learned all too quickly, Onie’s club is primarily NSA open-room sex and group sex with single men.

PR also led me to believe that “Onie” was kind of a jerk, and that PR had my best interests in mind while Onie was just using us girls to get guys to attend the parties, and then paying us very little, considering all that we do.

It is true that we don’t get paid as much as if we were on our own, but I have come to realize that Onie is a good guy. I complained once about my pay to him and he texted me back after we agreed on increased pay for me: “Looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I really want you to be happy when you leave.”

Also, I still feel angry that I let PR have sex with me twice – I only did so because I thought I was interviewing for a job as a swing couple, and of course, if I’m supposed to be the “girlfriend,” the “boyfriend” needs to have sex with me. If I had gotten the job straight from Onie, I never would have had to sleep with PR. Not that PR is so bad in bed – he’s just like any other guy – but I just hate men having sex with me for free, and PR got to have me twice for free.

However, when I was working at Onie’s club on February 3, 2011, PR introduced me to a nice young couple, “India” and “Don.” The woman, “India,” was Indian, plump, but with a pretty face, and PR told them I was friendly and liked women.

India and Don told me they host couples-and-single-women-only parties, and when they told me the name of their parties, I was so excited! I told them I had heard about their parties and had read an article written by one of their hostesses about her experience at their parties.

They said that PR had told them I would be a good hostess and they asked if I wanted to be a hostess at their next party, which was Feb. 12 – of course I said yes! Finally I would get to go to a nice upscale party with young good-looking couples.

As a hostess at Don and India’s party, I would get to meet all the couples, and after things get into motion, I could start playing with the couples if I wanted. I couldn’t wait to finally be at a nice, classy swing party! I was so glad that PR had recommended me for this job.

After the couple left, PR asked me if I got to talk with Don and India, and I said yes, and that they told me about their parties that they host. PR then suggested that he and I go to their next party as a couple. I was a little confused because I thought PR had recommended me for the hostess job, which meant I couldn’t go as a couple, so I just said that I thought I would be going anyway.

When I left the club I was angry because I got an email from Robert Hannibal saying that he had gone to the bi club in Brooklyn that night – he didn’t get any action but I was still mad. I told him he needed to give me more notice because I had been working at Onie’s and couldn’t check my phone but would have gone with him to the bi club had I known. He said it was a “spontaneous decision,” but I was hurt because I want to always be included in any decision to go to a club – to go anywhere without his wife, actually.

I didn’t tell Robert Hannibal about my upcoming job to work at Don and India’s party – I decided I would tell him after the fact, and then he could fill me in on how the “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George” parties are, and we could do a comparison of our experiences.

In the meantime, I just looked forward to Don and India’s party, and when I was working at Onie’s club on Friday, Feb. 11th, I was so excited because the next day I would be working at a real, classy, couples swing party.

That night at Onie’s club, I got together with “Tattoo,” a tattooed white girl who wears a wig, but her rule is “Don’t touch the hair!” I don’t know if she wears the wig just to hide her identity when she works here or if she’s bald, but I haven’t asked her.

Tattoo is nice and cool, but also loud and aggressive and served in the military. She was good at going down on me and then she had all of us girls on the bed together at once and going at it. She wouldn’t let any of the men touch us – she would say, “No touching!” and she would slap their hands away if they tried.

I met a nice man that night who wanted to date me but I am only interested if he can take me to “One Leg Up” parties – that is my new mission when I’m working at Onie’s - find a man who can take me to OLU parties and “Do You Know George” parties. My contract is expiring March 31, 2011 and I want to make sure I have gone to those parties!

That night, of course, I wished Robert Hannibal was there. It never used to bother me too much having sex with men, but now that I know how wonderful sex with a man can be, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, it is even more of a chore to have sex with men. I miss Robert Hannibal so much. I had emailed him Feb. 7 about going to the bi club but he has not responded. I ache for him so much!

Saturday, Feb. 12, I was a little worried because that was the night of Don and India’s party, and they still hadn’t given me the address! I finally texted them around noon to find out what was going on, and they texted me that PR had said he would be in touch with me, so they “weren’t sure what was up.” I was so mad at PR. But they gave me the address and told me they could still use my help.

When I got to Don and India’s party that night, they said it was a good thing I had shown up because the guy who was supposed to do coat check hadn’t been in contact with them at all. So I was the coat check girl, and then I saw that Tattoo was the hostess! I was so mad! I asked her how she found out about the job, and she said PR had told her about it.

I was really upset with PR. He had tried to sabotage a job that I had originally been offered. And I was still sad that Robert Hannibal hadn’t contacted me. But I resolved to have fun that night regardless.

The party was in a penthouse suite in the Midtown East Side, and it was a two-story set-up with a spiral staircase. Very nice, with a nice large master bedroom and smaller bedroom downstairs, with the bar and lounge area upstairs.

And it was so refreshing being surrounded by young, good-looking couples, mostly in their 20’s and 30’s. The oldest couples were in their late 40’s, but all were nice-looking and dressed in cocktail attire. I enjoyed talking to them, and at one point Don asked me and Tattoo to go at it to get the couples motivated.

Tattoo went down on me in the lounge area in front of the bar, and the couples looked on. Tattoo is very good at this, and I realized I couldn’t be mad at her when it was PR who had tried to ruin my job, not Tattoo.

I met a nice, very good-looking couple, and was hoping the girl and I would get together, but it didn’t happen. The guy asked for my phone number, and I hope they call me. I like the girl a lot – she’s a typical hot blonde, which is not usually my type, but she was not just hot, she was very pretty, too.

I thought it so strange, however, that she went down on her boyfriend and said she was content just with that. She said it made her happy to make him happy. I knew inside myself that if Robert Hannibal actually had a commitment to me, such as marriage, I would go down on him. Even though I hate that act so much, I love him so much that if we were married I would do whatever he wanted sexually – just to make him happy.

Throughout the night, I compared the dynamics of this party with previous swing parties I had gone to and the orgies I used to have with “Dan” in the Philippines with his friends, and the “orgies” at Onie’s club.

With Dan, the group sex just happened organically, which I liked. At the swing parties I had gone to, I mostly just ended up with men, and one time I told the host I was mad because I had specifically gone to meet women, so the host introduced me to a couple and I ended up having a good time.

At Onie’s club, when a bunch of us are on the large bed together it is the most fun, but often we are having sex with one man while other men are touching us and kissing our bodies. We usually start off with icebreakers, which I hate but which PR loves, and that supposedly gets people going.

At this party, the bar upstairs was ostensibly the icebreaker, while the party game was a further icebreaker. With this game, each female was given a key and each male a lock. Each person had to find whoever their match was, and the idea was that their match wouldn’t be their own partner. Someone pointed out that the men should have the key in order for the game to be anatomically correct, but there were more keys than locks somehow.

Also at this party, most of the couples were real couples, meaning they were in committed relationships, and many were married. At Onie’s club, when couples do arrive, it is often just a guy, and a girl who helped him get in at the couple’s price.

There were two single women, and although one of the women got somewhat involved, the other didn’t. It really seemed better to have a partner.

One couple was a regular at Don and India’s parties, and they were married, just like Don and India. I wondered if I were married, would I still want an open marriage? With Dan, I would have married him to have an open marriage and also nice in-laws (since I’m not close with my own parents, I’m always looking for surrogate parents), but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, I realize I really do want a traditional marriage, meaning completely monogamous, if I can actually be in love with my husband, something that had always seemed unreal to me before.

However, I still like looking at and touching good-looking women, so I did a little of that as the party wound down, but then had to resume my coat-check duties. Most of the couples seemed to have a good time. I guess it was good for their marriages and relationship to shake it up a little by attending these types of parties occasionally, but I began to understand that if I were married to someone I love, I would rather be with him than with any woman.

After the party, I helped Don and India and “Bart,” the bartender, clean up. I asked Don and India again about what PR had said to them about me, and they said that he wanted to go to the party with me as a date, and he recommended Tattoo to be the hostess. I was so mad, because Don and India offered me the job first.

But we also talked about upcoming parties they would do, and I was so excited to be a part of this new classy couples world. The following morning I had to be at a church just a few blocks away for my class at school, so I spent the night in the suite with Don and India and Bart. Bart and I shared the bed in the smaller bedroom - he wanted to have sex with me, but he totally respected me when I said no.

The next Monday, PR left me a voice message asking me how Don and India’s party went, but I never called him back. The next day, Tuesday the 15th (yesterday), when I was working at Onie’s club, PR asked me why I didn’t return his call. I told PR I was upset that he tried to sabotage my job at the couples party, that Don and India had only needed one hostess and they were waiting to hear from him about me working there because he had told them he would be in touch with me.

PR denied it, of course, but I knew I couldn’t trust him. I just made my peace with him but internally I kept my distance. I also decided I wouldn’t let him kiss me anymore or touch me anymore. Previously, although I don’t let the customers kiss me, I would let PR kiss me because he was my boss and we had already kissed and had sex, and he is nice-looking. But now I wouldn’t.

The rest of the night was okay – I met a nice-looking Turkish guy who stayed with me til the end of the night – I always like to have a nice-looking and intelligent guy stay with me til the end of the shift because the later it gets, the less I want to work. But even though I was with this nice guy, I missed Robert Hannibal incredibly!

I'm still attracted to women, but I choose Robert Hannibal.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

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Part 3 – Dates (3c – Third Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

The Sunday after our Wednesday date, I emailed him and said I had fun and asked him if he wanted to go to any clubs this week. He said there was “better out there,” and mentioned a place called “Checkmates.” And he sent me a link to a Jamaican dancehall video in reference to my classmate’s project.

On Tuesday he emailed and said he may stop by Onie’s, the club where I work and where we met. I had a school event that night so was not able to work that night, but I emailed him this: “But let me know if you decide to go and I'll go just when you are there and I won't get paid.”

Then at 9:30, he said he would just go home instead, but at 10pm he emailed again and said he changed his mind and was going to Onie’s. I was kind of upset – I had basically told him straight up that I would go in to work only to see him, and not even get paid for it, and I felt he should have given me more notice. It would take me half an hour to get to Onie’s from school, which means I wouldn’t get there until 10:30pm, and the club closed at 11pm. I was kind of embarrassed to show up at my place of work just to be with Robert Hannibal, so I didn’t go at all.

He emailed me the next day and said Onie’s “was so ghetto. I'm over it; would have been a waste for you. How about this tonight?” and included a link to a tantra club. I was so excited, but we discovered that the tantra place was closed until after the new year.

We exchanged a few more emails throughout the week. Then, on Dec. 21st, I emailed him to see if he was going to Onie’s, and he replied: “No, the last time I went was really disappointing. The quality of the crowd has really deteriorated. I spent most my time talking to [Bartender].
I'd much prefer to hang out with you separately and explore different more mutually appealing scenes..
I'm curious - what does [Onie] usually give you? I can help offset that.”
I was so happy at this email. I told him I would prefer that too (of course I would!) and told him how much I usually get paid at Onie’s. He responded: “Sounds good. I'm limited through year end but don't mind treating a hard working student.”

Then he made a date for us to go back to Carousel the next night, another Wednesday. I was so happy. I would get paid just to be with the most amazing man in the world! (In my hostess dancing job that I had my last semester of college, when I would go out on dates with my customers, whether to a hotel or just a restaurant, I always got paid. But with this new job at Onie’s, I had only gone out with the shy divorced Filipino, and didn’t get paid. A week after this date with Robert Hannibal, I did go home with one of the customers at Onie’s, and did spend the night and get paid, but before this date with Robert Hannibal, I had not done so. And I hadn’t gotten paid for any of my dates with Robert Hannibal, but I didn’t need to. I just loved being with him so much. But now, if he wanted to pay me to be with him, that would make it even better! Getting paid to have the most amazing sex with the most wonderful man in the whole world! )

As we were emailing back and forth I told him he would have to text me because my iPhone was stolen. Then he sent me an email saying he was sorry to hear that, and another email a few hours later saying that he had misplaced my number. I was so sad at that point. If he really cared about me and was not married, he would not have misplaced my number. If he was married, then it didn’t matter if he cared about me or not, but it would certainly make sense that he would have lost my number.

But I was too excited to see him again to worry about that. There were even fewer people there at Carousel that night, probably because it was the Wednesday right before Christmas. We walked around for a bit and upon seeing not many people there, and no couples really, we went in the room with the large bed and closed the door.

I will always remember that night. When we started having sex, and beginning, middle, and end with him is always amazing, I just felt myself go. He turned me over at one point and as I looked back at him, I saw the expression on his face. He was so completely overcome. I’ve seen other men have that expression when they’re with me but the way Robert Hannibal’s face looked was even more overcome. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I felt such compassion and love for him at that moment, more even than I usually feel for him. After he orgasmed, he lay on top of me, my back to his front, and said softly, in almost a whisper, his breath to the back of my neck, “Oh, [Polly, Polly].”

Hearing him say my name like that meant more than when anyone else has said it, with the exception of my ex-girlfriend “Dee.” I was completely in love. I had known for awhile that I was falling in love with him, and definitely that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know how to fully own up to those facts. I had never been attracted to a man before, had never loved a man before. I didn’t know how to process it. But I loved loving him. And I felt so much love for him.

I guess sex with him is so amazing because it is really making love. Whether he is making love to me or having sex, it feels like he’s making love. Maybe every woman feels that with him. But when I’ve seen him at Onie’s club or at Trapeze, he is usually standing or kneeling when he’s having sex – with me, our bodies are intertwined. I do feel like it’s making love. Regardless, I am making love to him. And I’ve never made love to a man before.

After awhile, the owner of the club knocked on the door and said we weren’t allowed to close the door here. I was glad he hadn’t interrupted us earlier. As Robert Hannibal and I were getting dressed, I asked him questions about his kids (a girl and boy). He talked about how his kids were so excited because his mother was coming to stay with them for Christmas. “Grandma’s here!” he told me his kids will say, and they will wake up so early just to see her. I fell even more in love with him at that. He was such a good father to his children.

I always feel more compassion for men who are fathers. “Dan,” the lazy Filipino into group sex, disgusted me at first but when I saw how he was with his son and two daughters, I felt so much compassion for him. Something about fatherhood always softens me, and I just thought how lucky Robert Hannibal’s children were to have such a great father.

I was more in love with Robert Hannibal the more he talked about his kids, and the more he talked about them, the more I was sure he wasn’t married. So I finally had courage to ask him if he was married. I was fully expecting him to say he was divorced, or he was married but they were separated and were getting a divorce. But he just said, “yes.”

I didn’t miss a beat and said we should all do a threesome! I asked how long they’d been married (seven years) and asked what his wife looked like (white, European-looking). We went out to the common area and sat on one of the chairs, me sitting on his lap, and I asked him more questions. Apparently, he and his wife used to swing together, but now she’s busy “being a mom.” (“That’s important,” I told him, “She should be.”). He also said that his wife didn’t like white men (“She sounds like me,” I said). I told him he was lucky to have a wife who was cool with swinging, even if she wasn’t into it right now. At least they had in the past. “You know how many husbands would want that?” I said. I told him again I wanted a threesome with his wife, and he said he wasn’t sure his wife was in the right headspace for it, but it was a possibility.

He told me married life is different. He mentioned some TV program he and his wife were watching that said something about two people who live in the same house and don’t have sex and his wife said, “just like a married couple!” Robert Hannibal laughed when he told me this.

Now, many of the men at my hostess dancing job in college were married, and so I had already developed some compassion and understanding for married men in general, and the sexual frustrations they often feel in their marriage. My hostess dancing work taught me not to completely blame the men who committed adultery – there was usually more to the story. I figured Robert Hannibal and his wife were in the “Seven Year Itch” phase of their marriage, where sex has gotten stale, especially for him, if he is used to wild swing parties with his wife in the past.

I felt lucky to be able to be with Robert Hannibal, even if there was no future with him. This is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever enjoyed having sex with, the first man I’ve ever been in love with. But I didn’t want to tell him any of this. I felt like it would be disrespectful to his wife. I care about his wife, because she is the woman married to the man I love, the one that he chose.

In the past when I wanted a threesome, it was for me to be able to have a woman in a socially accepted situation. Even when married men would flirt with me, I would always imagine having a threesome with the wife. A threesome was the way for me to deal with the man but get to have the woman at the same time.

But in this case I didn’t want the threesome for the woman. I wanted it to legitimize being with Robert Hannibal, to make it not be cheating. A threesome would be a way of me getting to have Robert Hannibal in an open share with his wife. It would be a compromise. I couldn’t have him to myself, and I didn’t want to take him away from his wife, when it came down to it. But if we could both have him together…

Plus, I felt like Robert Hannibal’s wife and I had so much in common. Neither of us like white men, although we are both white ourselves. As for me, though, I don’t like black men either. I don’t like men in general, but I’ve always felt someone with brown skin, probably from South Asia, would be the most attractive to me. Robert Hannibal has brown skin but is from Jamaica, yet he doesn’t seem black to me. His features are not African. He is just him.

Before Robert Hannibal put me in a cab that night, he showed me a picture of his wife holding his son. It wasn’t a good picture of her, so I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like, but his little son had nice dark skin. “He has my complexion,” Robert Hannibal said. He’s such a good father!

Then I told him I still wanted to go to the “One Leg Up” parties, and he said the parties were on the weekends, and he added, “I can’t be your guy.” But he said during the week, we could still go to places together. It was almost a relief to know that he was in fact married and there is no future with him, and I think he was glad he could now be open about it as well. But it didn’t stop me from loving him.

We smiled and kissed and told each other, “Merry Christmas.” He said he would contact me after the holidays. I didn’t even ask him what he meant when he had emailed that he could “help offset” the money I get at Onie’s club – I didn’t care about being paid when I was with him. I just loved him so much.

I resolved to just enjoy the time I had with him. When I first started trying to get into this swinging world, back in August 2010, I knew my time would be short because I eventually wanted to go back fully and completely in the Mormon church. I just wanted to get this out of my system, especially being with women, because once I was totally back in the church, I would only be able to have sex with my husband. I never expected I’d be able to enjoy sex with my husband, but I know I could tolerate it.

But having met Robert Hannibal, I thought there must be another man out there that I could really love. The Lord would not be so cruel as to make the only man I could love be one who was already married.

Part 3 – Dates (3a – First Date) (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

My first date with Robert Hannibal was Friday, Dec. 3rd, almost exactly one month after we had first met at my first night of working at Onie’s club. This date was greatly-anticipated – I was so excited to see him again. That night one of my friends had a music concert at our school, so first I went to that with one of my other school friends. Again, I was sure Robert Hannibal was not married because he said he would just be hanging out with one of his friends who was DJ-ing somewhere downtown while I was at the concert. It was a Friday night – surely if he had a wife she would not let him free like that?

When we met up, I loved how handsome he looked. We started off looking for hot chocolate, but didn’t find any, and then took a cab to a place called Trapeze, which Robert Hannibal said was one of the first swing clubs from back in the ‘70’s and that the décor looks like it had never been updated. I didn’t care, I just wanted to be with him.

At Trapeze everyone wears towels to walk around in. We kept going upstairs to see the various rooms and the large orgy-room downstairs. There was a really old couple and some other couples, but I was very picky because I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal.

Eventually, we went down to the lounge area and sat on one of the couches and talked, with me somewhat sitting on his lap. He told me that although he had had girlfriends, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 25. I thought that was so adorable. I am guessing he is in his late 30’s. He looked so cute when he told me that.

He also explained his first threesome – a woman he was dating, whom he had thought he would marry, told him if they got married she was sure he would cheat on her, so she arranged a threesome with him and another woman. He said he didn’t end up marrying that woman, but I was afraid to press if he ended up marrying anyone else.

He also talked more about being from Jamaica. He had told me he was from Jamaica when I met him my first night at Onie’s club, but this night he told me had moved to the US when he was ten and so had basically grown up in the states. (He had also told me my first night at work that he had gone to school at Dartmouth after I told him I was in grad school.) I just pictured him as this cute little boy arriving in the States , probably bewildered and scared, and now look how far he’s come – going to school at Dartmouth, working on Wall Street, etc. He’s just so smart and so handsome and so attractive and I just loved having a conversation with him there in the lobby area.

We went back to the orgy room and had it pretty much to ourselves. There are mirrors all around and on the ceiling. He said he remembered how good I tasted (he had gone down on me my first night working at Onie’s club before he first had sex with me) and went down on me again at Trapeze. Then we began having sex and I loved it so much. I don’t know what it is he does differently from all other men but he is so wonderful in bed. The night to me was already complete because I had sex with Robert Hannibal.

But he wanted to find other couples and kept asking me what women I thought were attractive. There was a couple with a woman I found attractive – she was slightly older, probably 40, and her man was probably late 40’s, but she was definitely attractive. I pointed her out to Robert Hannibal while we were laying down in the orgy room as the couple went up the staircase.

But somehow we ended up with another couple who took us to a private, closed room with them. They asked us our names, and Robert Hannibal said his name was [Robert Hannibal]. I was surprised because at Onie’s club he never actually told me his name, but PR told me his name was R. So I thought that was his name.

But then I remembered when he called me earlier that evening to confirm a meeting spot, he said, "Hi [Polly], this is [Robert Hannibal]," and I thought I had just mis-heard it. The couple asked us if those were our real names, because some couples lie, and Robert Hannibal laughed and said, yes, it was his real name. But I was worried why he would have a different name he would use at Onie’s club? He must be married. But then I thought he was just trying to be discreet at Onie’s club, because it’s slightly less respectable than going to a strictly couples-only club.

The woman of the couple was Asian and I wasn’t physically attracted to her but I liked her a lot as a person and we had a good conversation. She went down on me and was quite good. Then her man said that she needed to come, and that she had a hard time orgasming (she and I had both bonded over that in our conversation). So her man said Robert Hannibal should go down on her, and he did, for what seemed like half an hour. I was so bored (and jealous) during that time. Then we did the full couples swap and her man was kneeling over me and asked me to put on his condom.

Now, I hate touching men’s package thing. I hate everything about it. I think it looks ugly, I think it feels disgusting, I don’t like anything about it. So I said “I don’t do that.” The man got up and was so angry and said, “you should speak to your partner before so people don’t think you’ll swap if you won’t.” His girlfriend asked him what was wrong and I realized that I needed to do the partner swap, and if it meant I had to touch the guy’s thing to put the condom on, I had to just do it. Robert Hannibal took me to a swing club to swing, he kept looking for couples, he wasn’t there just to be with me, even though I would have been satisfied just being with him.

So I played it off like it was a misunderstanding, “Oh, I thought you wanted me to go down on you first, and I don’t do that.” And I pointed to Robert Hannibal and said, “I don’t even do that to him.” So the man laughed and said he understood, and I put the condom on his ugly thing and let him have sex with me while Robert Hannibal had sex with the man’s lucky girlfriend. All I thought was that I wanted the man to hurry up and come, just like when I’m working at Onie’s club.

When we all finished, we were laughing and talking like we were best friends but I secretly wondered if I’d be able to do this very often with Robert Hannibal. If we did couple swaps, the woman of any couple would always get the best end of the deal, and I would get the worst. I decided I could handle it as long as I got to have alone time with Robert Hannibal. I was glad I got to have sex with Robert Hannibal alone before we were with this couple.

Then we went back and searched for more couples. We went back down to the orgy room and started making out and the couple with the woman that I thought was attractive entered. Robert Hannibal moved us over to where the couple was, literally right next to them. The woman said I had “beautiful” breasts and asked if she could kiss them, so while her man was with her she leaned over and kissed my breasts. Then she and I started kissing and making out and then she would suck my breasts again.

Robert Hannibal told the guy that I had picked his girlfriend out as someone I thought was attractive, and he also told the man that he liked watching the two of them together. The man said, “we thought the same about you two.” The man said they weren’t ready to partner swap yet as they were still new to the swing thing, but they liked the idea of having sex in the open with people watching. I was so glad. If only all the couples were like that, then I could just stay with Robert Hannibal.

Then Robert Hannibal and I had sex again and it was awesome. I could totally handle swing clubs if I got to kiss other women but only have sex with Robert Hannibal. That would be the best scenario for me, and it would still make Robert Hannibal happy because he would get the excitement and sexual adventure.

But he wasn’t satisfied with that. After that couple, he wanted to find another couple. I started getting annoyed because I just wanted to be alone with him, or with pretty girls, and so many of the women were older and unattractive to me. Yet he was fascinated with just standing there and staring at all the play going on and holding his thing.

Finally we found a couple upstairs where the woman was somewhat attractive to me (but not nearly as attractive as the other woman) and we started chatting them up and laying down next to them. I hoped they, like the previous couple, weren’t interested in swapping but just liked the idea of open sex. They were a fun couple and we laughed a lot with them, and we all went downstairs to the orgy room again. They were together and Robert Hannibal and I were together, but we didn’t have sex, but I like just being with him.

After that Robert Hannibal and I showered together. I loved showering with him. He was just so handsome and attractive to me. I loved how his body felt against mine. No other man could make me enjoy being with him, sex or no sex.

At the end of the night, we talked with the different couples we had been with and exchanged contact information but I didn’t care about seeing any of them again, unless it was the only way to see Robert Hannibal again. Robert Hannibal told the couples they should check out the “One Leg Up” parties. That was the high-class party he had told me about my second time meeting him, when we exchanged email addresses. That party sounded like my ideal swing party, with everyone elegant and good-looking, and dressed up like the 1920’s, and I told Robert Hannibal that I wanted him to take me to one of those parties. He never quite committed, and so I still wasn’t sure about his personal life. I hoped so bad he wasn’t married. He put me in a cab and all I could think about was when I would see him again.

The next day, Saturday evening, I was at a dinner party with my school friends and I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal. Was I really in love with him? Or was I just attracted to him, and wanting to enjoy the opportunity to actually be attracted to a man – for the first time in my life! The first man to make me feel like a real woman, to make me feel like a woman who actually enjoys sex with a man? I didn’t know if it was just that he was so good at sex, the first man I ever enjoyed sex with, that made me like him, but I thought it was more than that. I thought I was really falling in love with him. But I wasn’t sure.

And I wasn’t sure if he was married or not. How I wanted him not to be! And how I wanted to see him again! So in the middle of the dinner party, I texted him to see if he wanted to go to another club later that night. He texted back and said that he was too tired. Then I remembered that after our late night at the club he told me he had had to be up at 8am because he had an appointment with a plumber.

A plumber appointment – that’s what responsible married men do. But he also could be separated or divorced. I recalled that the Orthodox Jew, “Jay,” was separated from his wife. I even told my friend, the one who was hosting the dinner party, that I thought I was falling in love with this guy but I was worried he might be married. She sympathized with me, and afterwards I walked home from the dinner party with one of my gay friends. We discussed Robert Hannibal and my friend’s boy troubles. I couldn’t stop thinking about Robert Hannibal. How I loved talking about Robert Hannibal!

(1/13/2011) - The Men I Was Dealing with Before Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2b – Craigslist Men)

In thinking about Robert Hannibal, which my mind loves doing, I thought that no matter what happens with him, the way I look at men has changed. Now that I really understood what it was like to be attracted to men, I didn’t think I could tolerate men the way I had done recently. I thought of some of the men I had recently been with and I didn’t think I would have patience to do it for free anymore.

For instance, early this past fall, when I decided I really wanted to have threesomes and try “swinging,” before I give up entirely on this life and become a fully-fledged and committed Mormon, I searched on Craigslist. Unfortunately, I still only ended up with men, not women.

My Craigslist searching for threesomes paralleled how, after my break-up with “Dee,” my first love that was actually returned, I scoured Craigslist looking for other girls to ease my break-up pain. Although I ended up meeting some good-looking and fun and cute girls, I discovered that many lied about their looks. Now, after looking for threesomes, I found that men lied also.

I had previously only looked for single women on CL, but since I knew I would end up returning fully to my Mormon church, and would thus not be able to have a girlfriend, I didn’t want to search for a girlfriend. I just wanted to have some NSA sex with women, but many lesbian or bi women on CL wanted a relationship or were simply too masculine for me.

Thus, I decided that finding CL threesomes would be the best way to get a feminine girl, and there would be no long-term consequences, so I could still go fully back into the Mormon church after about a year. Yet, even with this CL threesome searching, I ended up only with men, and I realized that “attractive” is a word people feel too free attach to themselves. But who do they think they are attracting?

There were several men I ended up corresponding with from Craigslist, and a few I met up with, unfortunately. One described himself as Italian and referenced a girl who was his “f—k-buddy” and so I imagined a good-looking Italian guy with a hot girl who would join us for threesomes. But no – he was scrawny and white, and I definitely think he lied about the girl “f—k-buddy” – she never appeared.

Another guy I met, “Jay,” described himself as an Orthodox Jew with handsome or attractive dark features – I can’t remember exactly, but he definitely made himself out to be good-looking. My married friend with whom I had a two-year affair in grad school was Muslim, and I thought it would be interesting to balance that out with an Orthodox Jew.

I was also interested in Jay politically, as I figured we could have great conversations – I love discussing politics and religion and world events, but I was also intrigued with how he described himself as physically dark. I was still hoping a man could get me to orgasm, especially since eventually I want to get married and have kids and a normal life, and I really have always thought only someone who was handsome with dark skin could do it to me.

When I met Jay, I realized he had a vastly different opinion of what handsome meant than I did, and also “dark” for him was simply very light olive skin. Most importantly, he neglected to mention his completely bald head. Baldness is the biggest turnoff for me. I wanted to walk away when I saw him but he had already spotted me.

After we talked, I decided it would be good to be his friend because immediately we had a good conversation about religion and politics, and he bought me food. We hung out several times and he always fed me and we always had great conversations.

We had such great conversations that we never touched, and I was so glad. Unfortunately, after I texted him once about a Jewish magazine, he texted me back asking if I was attracted to him. I didn’t know how to answer, because truthfully, I was not physically attracted to him at all.

But I really liked our conversations, and I thought I was learning a lot from him. I can’t really lie to other people about what I feel about them, but I wanted to still talk to him about politics and religion, so I texted back “yes.” I meant yes, I was attracted to the fact that we could talk so openly about politics and religion. But of course he thought I meant physically, so he texted me a very crude text having to do with me going down on him. I was so disgusted.

I told Jay I don’t do that, but I thought we would still have fun anyway. The next few times we hung out in his apartment he would make out with me and finger me (I never understand why guys do that, I actually hate being fingered by guys, and find it only okay with girls). Then finally he would feed me and we could talk about politics.

Jay never had sex with me, which I thought strange since he talked about how he was such a dominant man, and at first I thought that if he was so dominant he could get me to orgasm, but then I realized it would not happen. He was too physically unattractive to me. Our great conversations were one thing, but having no physical chemistry between us would prevent any sort of orgasm, I realized.

But after meeting Robert Hannibal, I really didn’t want to see Jay anymore. We still correspond occasionally via email, but I don’t feel any interest even politically anymore. I regret that I ever let Jay do anything to me.

With Robert Hannibal, I can talk about anything and everything and I love the person I’m talking to. I realized I couldn’t really settle for less. So I haven’t really heard from Jay in awhile, and I don’t miss him. But how I missed Robert Hannibal every single day!

Orgies and World Peace – Part 3

My favorite situation is having several people involved with me at once while I lay down (unless there are hot women – then I like being more active).  These situations have occurred at this club where I recently started working – I get paid to have sex with the guys in “orgy” settings.   Most of the guys don’t know we women are getting paid, and there are only four or five of us women working at a time.  Usually, when I have several people on me at once at this club, it is other men who are on me/in me.  But recently, I had an experience with three other women (who all work at the club with me) and only two men.   That I really enjoyed.

My first few nights of work at this club, I started thinking about orgies and world peace.  Once I was laying down with several men involved with me, some white, some Latin, some black, and two Hasidic Jews.  When one of the black men was inside me, one of the white men said that my skin (I’m white) looked really cool against his dark black skin.  Another white man told one of the other black men that he had heard black men were big, but he had never seen a black man’s [sex organ] before until that night.  There was no jealousy – just acknowledgement.  And no race or cultural barrier – just enjoyment of sex (and me).

I observed that the men were very respectful of each other and of me, never demanding me to do anything I didn’t want to do (though certainly much asking! But they accepted my refusal to do hand-jobs and/or blow-jobs).  The men, concerned that Hasidic Jews were very strict in sexual matters, and attending this club was a chance for them to fully enjoy and release themselves (not sure if that’s true, though), made sure to give the Hasidic Jews plenty of time with my body.  All the guys were getting along so well that I just lay there and thought that this is how the world needs to operate – with respect and understanding.

In my sex work experiences, I usually enjoy my conversations with these men – they’re all very nice people. Many of them are married or have girlfriends, and express to me their frustration that their significant others don’t want a part of this swinging or orgy life.  I think it’s sad – I think their relationship would strengthen if both participated in swinging and group sex.  There wouldn’t be cheating or lying – if the couple swings together, it’s all in the open.

Even we women who work at the club get along – we all know we are there to work and make sure the men leave satisfied, but since we don’t get paid per customer, there is no jealousy.  In fact, we are very supportive of each other, and as I related earlier, the best times are when we are all together sexually.

I actually find our getting paid to have sex with the men analogous to women dating and marrying men for stability and security.  Getting actual cash or a roof over your head is basically the same thing.

Would women stop being jealous of other women if they could enjoy each other sexually?  Yes! I am positive of that.  Orgies provide a perfect opportunity for women to appreciate each other as women.

Both men and women can be sexually pleased in orgies and communicate with other men and women at the same time.  I have not really seen any jealousy – just appreciation and arousal.

On the whole, an orgy is an uplifting experience and brings people closer together.  Although orgies are sexual, those involved are not reduced to sex objects.  On the contrary, personhood is deepened when you commune with others sexually – boundaries are transcended and friendships forged.

I wish orgies and swinging were more accepted, and to go on a slight tangent, that sex work was legal. When I finished college and got involved in sex work, I was ashamed to let anyone know about the true nature of my work, but I was angry that I felt I had to be ashamed – I felt the world needed to catch up with my attitude that if men want to pay for sex, they should be allowed to, as long as the woman is above age and willing, and the woman herself should not be stigmatized.

However, now that I am older and wiser, I would have no problem seeing anyone from the club out in public – I would smile and say hi and ask how he is doing – and really mean it.

When I consider the variety of races and religions of the men I’ve had sex with at these orgies, and how the men all got along, united in a common pursuit of sexual pleasure, I think of the potential for peace, and how easy it could be to achieve.

Despite all our differences (and differences are fine! Differences make us human and don’t need to divide us – we don’t want to be identical robots), we can all learn to value each other and bond with each other if we all join in an orgy together.

Wouldn’t we then regard each other with more kindness, having witnessed each other naked, at our most vulnerable, at our most present, in the height of ecstasy?  Vulnerability is key to openness, to understanding, to empathy, and in an orgy we all see each other at our most vulnerable.

World peace – just an orgy away.