Temporary Intimacy with Robert Hannibal - written March 10, 2011

On Tuesday, March 8^th, I worked at “Onie’s” club and was hoping Robert Hannibal would be there.  It would be my last chance to see him before my trip, as I was leaving the next day with my class! 

The first 20 minutes I was on the large bed talking to “Mansion,” who’s around 30 years old, and I think from some Eastern European country.  He’s been going to Onie’s club pretty regularly and he always tells me he’s going to take me to a fancy swing party at some rich Russian guy’s mansion.

That’s still my goal while working at Onie’s, besides just making extra money – to find a guy who will take me to a “One Leg Up” party and any other nice fancy swing party.  But Mansion just kept talking without giving me details. 

Finally, in my worry that Robert Hannibal would not show and my annoyance with Mansion for talking so much about the fancy swing party but not giving me concrete information or formally inviting me, I got off the bed and went to the bar area to get some water to drink.  I talked to “Bartender” for awhile and tried to practice my Japanese with her, but I am very rusty.

Then I returned to the main large room and sat on the large bed.  Mansion had moved over to one of the smaller beds against the far wall, and “Tatoo” was on the small bed next to the large bed I was sitting on.  She and I began talking about the guys and she made me laugh so much.  I like her humor because she says exactly what she thinks and says it in such a brash manner. 

I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed, but thought it was Mansion, so I didn’t acknowledge him, and kept talking and laughing with Tattoo.  Suddenly the person next to me said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much here.”  It was Robert Hannibal!  I turned to him and hugged him tightly and said, “I didn’t know it was you!  I thought it was [Mansion]!  I’m so glad to see you!”

I kept my arms around him and asked if he’d gotten my last two emails, and he said no.  He had gotten a new phone and couldn’t update his other email to that phone in case his wife saw it.  Everytime  I think perhaps his wife knows he’s still swinging, I get a reminder that she doesn’t know.  Even though I’ve really always known that Robert Hannibal and I are in fact stepping out behind his wife’s back. 

I told Robert Hannibal I was so happy to see him that night because the next day I would leave for Israel with my class and wouldn’t be back until the evening of March 21^st . He told me he and his wife and kids were leaving for two weeks on March 22^nd to vacation in the Dominican Republic.  I asked if I could see him on the 21^st when I got back and before he left, but he said he didn’t know.

We sat on the bed and continued talking, and he brought up the idea of having another threesome with me.  He said if I had liked the woman who gave us the sensual massage we could go back there, but since I didn’t, we could find someone else.  I was flattered that, in a threesome at least, he considered me the other half of the couple!  I know we’re not a real couple, but if this is the only way he’ll consider us as a couple, I won’t complain!

I suggested one of the twins, either “Cinnamon” or “Desire,” since I love both of them, but he said he wanted someone different. He knows I like Indian girls and brown-skinned girls, but he said he wanted someone aggressive, like “Tatoo,” but not as aggressive as she is.  He said she was too aggressive for him. 

I said we should find someone like Angelina Jolie, because she’s so beautiful but she would definitely be aggressive in just the right way.  He said we could put an ad out on Craigslist for an “Angelina Jolie” type.  I was so excited to think of us as a couple, albeit a false CL couple!

But of course I didn’t actually want another threesome with him because I like being alone with him. As alone as I can, given that we are only together at Onie’s or at other swing clubs.  But for him to think of us a couple, of any sort, was still an honor for me.

Then he asked if I wanted to play, and of course I said yes.  I was lying down on the bed and he was above, and he would lean down to kiss me and I would rise up to meet him.  At one point he hesitated a little and furrowed his brow.  He didn’t kiss me, but said, “the more time I spend with you, the more intimate I feel towards you.” 

I rose up and said, “You know I would never want to ruin your marriage, right?” and I kissed him and he met my kiss and said, ‘Yes.” Then I laid back down but rose up again to say, “and you know my contract ends soon.” And we kissed again and I said, “So it’s just temporary intimacy.  So it’s okay.” 

Then we kissed some more and began making love.  We had the large bed all to ourselves.  When I’m making love to him at Onie’s, I forget that there are other people in the room.  I feel like it’s just Robert Hannibal and me, alone. 

After he orgasmed, he lay down next to me, leaning on his elbow and resting his head on his hand, and faced me, smiling, and said, “You, you, you!”  I really love him so much. 

We continued kissing and talking about his music.  Robert Hannibal composes trip-hop music, and I wasn’t familiar with that genre of music. He told me he would try to play some for me on his new phone.  We kept talking and kissing but then he said he had to leave.  I tried to hold onto him but he said he needed to go. 

We’d spent nearly two hours together from 7pm on and it was almost 9pm at that point.  As we left the bed, holding hands, “J-Star,” one of the other girls who works at Onie’s and is good friends with Onie, smiled and said, “There’s the couple” to me.  She said that because with all the other guys, I don’t have any emotion and I just want to be done as soon as possible.  Robert Hannibal is the only guy who brings any emotion out of me, the only guy I want to spend time with, the only guy where it appears that I am actually enjoying sex, because with him, I am.

Robert Hannibal and I kept holding hands and kissing and as we left the bar area and went into the lobby/changing area, we crossed paths with a very handsome young man with thick black eyebrows.  I noticed him even though I was with Robert Hannibal because he’s probably the best-looking man I’ve ever seen.  I knew all the other girls working at Onie’s would want him.  But I was sure I would get him.

As we entered the lobby/changing area, I put my arms around Robert Hannibal’s neck and he hugged me and held me and we kept kissing.  Onie said, laughing, to Robert Hannibal, “You can’t take her home!” Oh, if only he could.  If only there wasn’t a wife already at home.  I would go home with him so gladly.

Robert Hannibal got out his new phone and gave me his new number, and I made sure his new phone had my number.  I asked him to play me one of his songs before he left and he tried to log onto a music website.  I saw as he entered his user information that his last name was “Tanner” – I mentally made note of this.  I had never asked him his last name, although he knew my full name from my email address. I wanted to give him his privacy and also to reassure him that he could trust me.  That I would never try to follow him or notify his wife.  But I was so happy to know his last name. 

He didn’t realize I had seen his last name.  He was just trying to get onto the site, and wasn’t able to.  “It’s okay,” I said.  “Next time.”  As much as I wanted to hear his music, I was elated that I knew his last name.  Such a personal piece of information.  I felt closer to him, even if only deceptively. 

We hugged and kissed some more and it was so hard to say good-bye to him.  I am so glad I got to see him before leaving on my trip.  I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. 

When he left, I looked at the clock.  It was exactly 9pm.  I had two more hours to go.  But I was so glad I had spent the past two hours with Robert Hannibal!  If only every night working at Onie’s could be like that!

Wanting to see Robert Hannibal Before My Trip – written March 7, 2011

 I am getting so desperate. I haven’t seen Robert Hannibal since the time we went to the “bi club” on Feb. 17^th, and we haven’t communicated since then.  I emailed him on March 2^nd to ask if he ever heard back from the tantra place, and he didn’t respond. Then I emailed him earlier today to ask if there was any way I could see him before I leave for Israel – he still hasn’t responded!  And I leave on Wednesday!

Tomorrow I’ll work my regular Tuesday night shift at Onie’s club, and I hope Robert Hannibal is there.  I really don’t know what I will do if I don’t see him before I leave for my trip.  If I don’t see him before my trip I will be anxious the entire time!  I love him so much!

Still Working at Onie’s Club – written March 5, 2011

Everytime I work at “Onie’s” club I am amazed that this is where I met Robert Hannibal. Who would have thought that my NSA swinger job would lead me to the first man I have ever been attracted to! Especially when I look at all the other men who go to Onie’s – some of the other women who work here with me will point out certain guys that they think are cute or that they want to have sex with and I still don’t understand it. How can anyone like any guy unless the guy is Robert Hannibal?

Not that the guys who go to Onie’s are so bad. It’s just that Robert Hannibal is so amazing. I wish he would go to Onie’s more often, but he has such a busy life with work and his family, that he can’t make it very often.

But I am so glad to have the extra money I make at Onie’s club, and the work is so easy. And I have met many interesting guys here. My goal this whole time has been to find one who will take me to a One Leg Up party – and it looks like I will finally get to go!

“New,” the Indian who lives in New Jersey who wanted me to be his girlfriend and who met me here at Onie’s, early on lost his status as a contender for One Leg Up. About a month ago, he told me he was not really comfortable with group sex, or even with threesomes, so I didn’t bother to tell him about One Leg Up.

But he told me he wants to take me to India in May! I love India and have been fascinated with that country for as long as I can remember. But I don’t feel like New and I have much in common as far as dating goes. Or even conversation! He’s very smart and works in Wall Street, and he speaks English well and he’s tall and nice-looking, I guess, but I get so bored with him. But if I’m in India, who cares if “New” bores me? I will be in India!

However, I was awarded a fellowship that will take me abroad the end of May and beginning of June, and with school getting out mid-May, going to India will be hard for me to pull off in May. But I still keep seeing New because perhaps we can go to India in June or something, or I can fit the trip in between school and the fellowship. We don’t talk about details – he just says he wants to take me to India with him in May and I say, “I’ve always loved India!”

I let New take me out to dinner and to movies and I let him sleep with me. I usually spend the night at his place in New Jersey on the weekends, and since he has such a big bed it is much more comfortable than my little tiny excuse for a bed. Last night, for instance, we saw a movie and I spent the night, and then today he took me to Edison, New Jersey for lunch. He told me he was trying to give me a break from all my studying.

But he doesn’t understand that I love my school! I love being at school. I don’t need a break from it, and definitely not a break with him. We seriously do not have anything to talk about.

And the whole time we were driving to Edison I asked him how far it was, and he said it wasn’t too far, but I didn’t get back to campus until 4pm! I was so annoyed. I had so much I needed to read and wanted to get it done and still make it to [a church friend]’s birthday party tonight.

But I just kept thinking of a trip to India. New knows he is not the only guy I see. I have told New that I am in love with a married guy who I am still seeing. And I still work at Onie’s club, which means I have sex with lots of men. But I am also still interested in going to India! So as long as New continues to be okay with me still seeing Robert Hannibal and working at Onie’s, I’ve got a free trip to India in May!

New hasn’t gone back to Onie’s club, but recently there was a couple there, and so I got involved with both the guy and the girl of the couple. Having a couple with a cute girl always makes the job more endurable. But couples don’t go to Onie’s very often, and they rarely come back if they do.

Also, I met a guy, “Finance News Guy,” this past Tuesday, March 1, who used to work for [News Organization] and now works in finance. Onie specifically introduced me to Finance News Guy, who spent as much time with me as he could, even after he had sex with me, though other guys were with me as well.

Finance News Guy said he would be willing to help me with my career when I graduate. I didn’t exchange contact info with him, but since Onie knows him, I’m sure he’ll be back. Finance News Guy is most certainly married with kids, and looks like a sweet nice man, in his 40’s with light brown hair, who no one would ever suspect of going to a swinger’s club.

I have found that many of the men I have met at Onie’s fit this description, of an atypical attendee at a swinger’s club. Most notably Robert Hannibal!

This same night I met an ex-Mormon, “Ex-Mormon,” and he was really fun to talk to. I even invited him to the LDS Institute class I go to on Wednesday nights, and he actually showed up. He was surprised that I do this work and that I still love the LDS church and consider myself a Mormon – he thought it was such a contradiction.

But I explained to him that I believe everything in our church. It makes so much sense to me. I am sure there is some reason why the law of chastity should be obeyed, and why prostitution is wrong, but I don’t understand why. I told him about my “contract deadline,” how I’m going to give up all this sex work and swinging and premarital sex in general, but that right now I just want to be a part of it.

I also told him that I really only liked women before, but now I’m in love with a man, Robert Hannibal. I said I wanted to eventually have the Mormon temple marriage. But not yet.

When Ex-Mormon showed up at Institute, I introduced him to my friends, and everyone was really friendly to him. Mormons are very friendly people. I didn’t mention that Ex-Mormon used to be Mormon – I didn’t want anyone questioning him. He still hadn’t told me all his reasons for leaving the church.

Ex-Mormon had to leave Institute early, but he wanted to know why I do this NSA sex work. I had previously told him at Onie’s that this type of work is not a big deal to me and doesn’t mean much to me – it’s a great way to earn easy money, but we didn’t have time to talk more than that. And then last night after Institute he had to leave. But we have each other’s contact info so I hope we stay in touch.

Tuesday night was such a great night for meeting so many interesting guys, and most importantly, I was so happy because I met a guy, “Ole,” who has gone to One Leg Up parties before! Ole used to go with his ex-girlfriend, and when they broke up, he tried to enroll for membership but was declined – single men are not allowed to One Leg Up parties. He asked if I wanted to go to the parties with him and of course I said yes! We will have to write an essay and submit pictures but finally, I will be able to attend a One Leg Up party!

Ever since Robert Hannibal first told me about the One Leg Up parties, I was so excited about them. I imagined all these beautiful, elegant women in a fancy house or hotel penthouse with nice food.

Of course, when he first told me about the parties, I thought he and I would be able to go together. That was before I asked him if he was married, and ever since he told me he was married and that he wouldn’t be able to take me to a OLU party, since they are on the weekends, I have been determined to find someone at Onie’s who could take me. Now, with meeting Ole, this goal is finally nearing reality!

Working at Classy Swing Party for Single Men – Feb. 26, 2011 – written March 5, 2011

Last Saturday, on February 26, I worked as a hostess at “Don” and “India’s” party for single men called [“Single Men Swing Party”]. Don and India told me that all the guys who attend their party go through a screening process – they have to submit pictures and write an essay and they also have to submit a picture of their sexual organ. They told me that India chooses the guys with large sexual organs.

As much as I love Robert Hannibal, I would never want to see a picture of his sexual organ, and I still have not touched it. I will never understand why anyone would want to look at the male sex organ, let alone touch it.

But Don and India were trying to tell me that although my job tonight would be to sleep with one or two guys and talk with them and make them feel comfortable, these guys were quality guys, not like the guys at my regular part-time job at “Onie’s” club, where any guy can get in the door (though I met Robert Hannibal at Onie's, in addition to many other quality men - there is just a more egalitarian mix at Onie's and no screening process for attendees).

Don and India don’t quite understand that I really do not like men and do not find men attractive, whether they are “quality” or not. Other than Robert Hannibal, of course.

Earlier that day, I had attended a baptism for a guy who was joining our church. I don’t know him very well, but he seems very nice. After the baptism, I talked with one of my good church friends, “Jenna,” and told her about Robert Hannibal. Jenna knows I’m not worthy to go to the temple or take the Sacrament, and she is someone I trust. She is very open-minded, and not judgmental at all, even moreso than Jane, who had me sign the contract. Jane, actually, can be a little judging, but Jenna has never judged anyone.

Jenna doesn’t know my sexual preference is actually for women (or was, until I met Robert Hannibal), but if I ever wanted to tell one of my female church friends about my same-sex attraction, since none of my female church friends here in New York know, Jenna is the one I would trust. She has a lot of gay male Mormon friends, and she does not judge them at all. Jenna is a truly decent good person.

I told Jenna I was so in love with Robert Hannibal, and that I even have a contract ending soon, which means I need to focus my life on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I told her I may want to extend the contract since I’m so in love with Robert Hannibal and want to maximize my time with him. I told her he takes me to swing clubs, and I told her that I would actually be working at a swing party later that night. She did not judge me at all.

When I arrived at the [Single Men Swing Party], “Tattoo” was there also, and so was “Bartender” – so interesting to see the three of us from Onie’s club here at this nice hotel suite – such a different environment from Onie’s venue.

I brought my friend “Persia” with me, because when I told her about working at the classy couples party that Don and India run, she was really intrigued and said she wanted to see it. I had told her before we arrived that she was not getting paid to interact with the guys like I was, so she should not feel obligated to do anything at all. We didn’t know if Don and India would need a coat check girl or not, so we figured Persia could do coat check, but they said they didn’t need coat check, so I told Persia she could just watch.

At the beginning, before the guys arrived, India had all of us women go around the room and say something nice about the person on our right – part of woman affirmation, I guess. Tattoo and I were the only women getting paid to be there to interact with the guys, but I secretly hoped I could slack off and Tattoo and the other women could do most of the work.

When the guys got there, I immediately started chatting them up. I was of two minds – if I could keep talking to the guys all night, I could put off having sex with any of them until the very end. However, if I had sex right away, then I could get it over with. The problem with that is that men usually want it again and want to keep touching you afterwards, and I don’t want to go above and beyond this kind of work. I will let them have sex with me and touch beforehand if that helps to get them hard, but afterwards, I am done and I don’t want to be a part of them at all.

Fortunately, one of the guys there seemed a little nervous but was very nice and intelligent. He was black, relatively tall, a professor at [University], and very smart. We sat on the couch and spent hours literally talking about philosophy. I let Tattoo take care of the other guys, and I sat with this guy and talked. Since for Don and India’s parties I am paid to help the guys feel comfortable, as it is the first time for a lot of them, my talking to this guy was perfectly legit.

His name was “Carl,” and he was very knowledgeable about many subjects, especially philosophy. I told him I’d taken a course on Derrida but did not learn anything about Derrida. I couldn’t understand what Derrida wrote, but I understood his tone, and his tone was very condescending.

I told Carl that Derrida could dish criticism out but couldn’t take it from others. He agreed but also helped explain Derrida in a way my own professor never had. We also talked about Lacan and Deleuze. We exchanged contact information and I wished I could spend the whole night just talking and not have to have sex with him. We were the only ones left in the front room, as everyone else had gone into the bedrooms.

But this was a swing party for single men, for men who did not know Tattoo and I were paid to be there, and so eventually Carl asked if I wanted to go into the one of the bedrooms. I had to say yes, of course.

One of the guys, who told us he was married, was very attracted to my friend Persia. He was kissing her, and I asked her if she was okay. She said she was, but I was concerned.

But I didn’t have much time to be concerned because one of the other men who was there immediately started grabbing and touching me and put me on the bed. While he was having sex with me, Carl and others were watching.

Persia poked her head in the room and told me she was going to leave. I was underneath the guy so I couldn’t get up, but I told her to text me later. I really hoped she was okay.

This guy told me he would get me to orgasm, and I told him no guy has ever gotten me to orgasm, that only women have. So he tried everything and couldn’t, of course. Then Carl had sex with me and then the party was over and all the guys finally left. I told Carl I would email him.

Once Bartender and the coat check girl were gone as well, Don and India sat down and talked with Tattoo and me. They thanked us both for working for them tonight. They said my biggest strength is my conversational ability – that I can talk with anyone about anything, and that is so important for these [Single Men Swing Parties]. These guys need to be able to feel comfortable.

They also told Tattoo and me that we could make more money than we make at Onie’s by doing less work. They said guys will pay to watch girls make out with each other and go down on each other, and since Tattoo and I have already done that with each other quite a few times, we might as well make money off it.

They said another way to make money was to be paid to be the female part of a couple so that a guy can get in to couples-only swing parties and clubs. I thought of how I already have a situation like that, where I’m Robert Hannibal’s female, but since I really like Robert Hannibal, love him, even, I don’t need to get paid by him. Having sex with him is actually payment for me!

Don and India closed with telling us how beautiful and smart we are, and when Don walked me to the subway station, he told me how just looking at me he gets turned on. He hasn’t done anything sexual with either me or Tattoo, probably because he’s paying us and he thinks it would be in bad taste, though we’ve both done stuff with his wife, India.

As I was on the subway, I thought about Don and India's marriage. They have a good marriage, but I thought that if the universe was different and I was somehow married to Robert Hannibal, would I want a swinger’s marriage?

It is so strange that I used to think I could only have an open marriage or a swinger’s marriage, mainly to give me the opportunity to have women, but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, my mind has changed. If, in an alternate universe, I was married to Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t want an open marriage. I would just want him.

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

Working at Onie’s club vs. working at nice couples party – Feb. 16, 2011

As I said earlier, when I was interviewing for this job with “PR,” the Puerto Rican promoter, I was led to believe that I would be the female part of the “couple,” with PR as the male part, and we would have lots of couples.

That was not the case. As I learned all too quickly, Onie’s club is primarily NSA open-room sex and group sex with single men.

PR also led me to believe that “Onie” was kind of a jerk, and that PR had my best interests in mind while Onie was just using us girls to get guys to attend the parties, and then paying us very little, considering all that we do.

It is true that we don’t get paid as much as if we were on our own, but I have come to realize that Onie is a good guy. I complained once about my pay to him and he texted me back after we agreed on increased pay for me: “Looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I really want you to be happy when you leave.”

Also, I still feel angry that I let PR have sex with me twice – I only did so because I thought I was interviewing for a job as a swing couple, and of course, if I’m supposed to be the “girlfriend,” the “boyfriend” needs to have sex with me. If I had gotten the job straight from Onie, I never would have had to sleep with PR. Not that PR is so bad in bed – he’s just like any other guy – but I just hate men having sex with me for free, and PR got to have me twice for free.

However, when I was working at Onie’s club on February 3, 2011, PR introduced me to a nice young couple, “India” and “Don.” The woman, “India,” was Indian, plump, but with a pretty face, and PR told them I was friendly and liked women.

India and Don told me they host couples-and-single-women-only parties, and when they told me the name of their parties, I was so excited! I told them I had heard about their parties and had read an article written by one of their hostesses about her experience at their parties.

They said that PR had told them I would be a good hostess and they asked if I wanted to be a hostess at their next party, which was Feb. 12 – of course I said yes! Finally I would get to go to a nice upscale party with young good-looking couples.

As a hostess at Don and India’s party, I would get to meet all the couples, and after things get into motion, I could start playing with the couples if I wanted. I couldn’t wait to finally be at a nice, classy swing party! I was so glad that PR had recommended me for this job.

After the couple left, PR asked me if I got to talk with Don and India, and I said yes, and that they told me about their parties that they host. PR then suggested that he and I go to their next party as a couple. I was a little confused because I thought PR had recommended me for the hostess job, which meant I couldn’t go as a couple, so I just said that I thought I would be going anyway.

When I left the club I was angry because I got an email from Robert Hannibal saying that he had gone to the bi club in Brooklyn that night – he didn’t get any action but I was still mad. I told him he needed to give me more notice because I had been working at Onie’s and couldn’t check my phone but would have gone with him to the bi club had I known. He said it was a “spontaneous decision,” but I was hurt because I want to always be included in any decision to go to a club – to go anywhere without his wife, actually.

I didn’t tell Robert Hannibal about my upcoming job to work at Don and India’s party – I decided I would tell him after the fact, and then he could fill me in on how the “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George” parties are, and we could do a comparison of our experiences.

In the meantime, I just looked forward to Don and India’s party, and when I was working at Onie’s club on Friday, Feb. 11th, I was so excited because the next day I would be working at a real, classy, couples swing party.

That night at Onie’s club, I got together with “Tattoo,” a tattooed white girl who wears a wig, but her rule is “Don’t touch the hair!” I don’t know if she wears the wig just to hide her identity when she works here or if she’s bald, but I haven’t asked her.

Tattoo is nice and cool, but also loud and aggressive and served in the military. She was good at going down on me and then she had all of us girls on the bed together at once and going at it. She wouldn’t let any of the men touch us – she would say, “No touching!” and she would slap their hands away if they tried.

I met a nice man that night who wanted to date me but I am only interested if he can take me to “One Leg Up” parties – that is my new mission when I’m working at Onie’s - find a man who can take me to OLU parties and “Do You Know George” parties. My contract is expiring March 31, 2011 and I want to make sure I have gone to those parties!

That night, of course, I wished Robert Hannibal was there. It never used to bother me too much having sex with men, but now that I know how wonderful sex with a man can be, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, it is even more of a chore to have sex with men. I miss Robert Hannibal so much. I had emailed him Feb. 7 about going to the bi club but he has not responded. I ache for him so much!

Saturday, Feb. 12, I was a little worried because that was the night of Don and India’s party, and they still hadn’t given me the address! I finally texted them around noon to find out what was going on, and they texted me that PR had said he would be in touch with me, so they “weren’t sure what was up.” I was so mad at PR. But they gave me the address and told me they could still use my help.

When I got to Don and India’s party that night, they said it was a good thing I had shown up because the guy who was supposed to do coat check hadn’t been in contact with them at all. So I was the coat check girl, and then I saw that Tattoo was the hostess! I was so mad! I asked her how she found out about the job, and she said PR had told her about it.

I was really upset with PR. He had tried to sabotage a job that I had originally been offered. And I was still sad that Robert Hannibal hadn’t contacted me. But I resolved to have fun that night regardless.

The party was in a penthouse suite in the Midtown East Side, and it was a two-story set-up with a spiral staircase. Very nice, with a nice large master bedroom and smaller bedroom downstairs, with the bar and lounge area upstairs.

And it was so refreshing being surrounded by young, good-looking couples, mostly in their 20’s and 30’s. The oldest couples were in their late 40’s, but all were nice-looking and dressed in cocktail attire. I enjoyed talking to them, and at one point Don asked me and Tattoo to go at it to get the couples motivated.

Tattoo went down on me in the lounge area in front of the bar, and the couples looked on. Tattoo is very good at this, and I realized I couldn’t be mad at her when it was PR who had tried to ruin my job, not Tattoo.

I met a nice, very good-looking couple, and was hoping the girl and I would get together, but it didn’t happen. The guy asked for my phone number, and I hope they call me. I like the girl a lot – she’s a typical hot blonde, which is not usually my type, but she was not just hot, she was very pretty, too.

I thought it so strange, however, that she went down on her boyfriend and said she was content just with that. She said it made her happy to make him happy. I knew inside myself that if Robert Hannibal actually had a commitment to me, such as marriage, I would go down on him. Even though I hate that act so much, I love him so much that if we were married I would do whatever he wanted sexually – just to make him happy.

Throughout the night, I compared the dynamics of this party with previous swing parties I had gone to and the orgies I used to have with “Dan” in the Philippines with his friends, and the “orgies” at Onie’s club.

With Dan, the group sex just happened organically, which I liked. At the swing parties I had gone to, I mostly just ended up with men, and one time I told the host I was mad because I had specifically gone to meet women, so the host introduced me to a couple and I ended up having a good time.

At Onie’s club, when a bunch of us are on the large bed together it is the most fun, but often we are having sex with one man while other men are touching us and kissing our bodies. We usually start off with icebreakers, which I hate but which PR loves, and that supposedly gets people going.

At this party, the bar upstairs was ostensibly the icebreaker, while the party game was a further icebreaker. With this game, each female was given a key and each male a lock. Each person had to find whoever their match was, and the idea was that their match wouldn’t be their own partner. Someone pointed out that the men should have the key in order for the game to be anatomically correct, but there were more keys than locks somehow.

Also at this party, most of the couples were real couples, meaning they were in committed relationships, and many were married. At Onie’s club, when couples do arrive, it is often just a guy, and a girl who helped him get in at the couple’s price.

There were two single women, and although one of the women got somewhat involved, the other didn’t. It really seemed better to have a partner.

One couple was a regular at Don and India’s parties, and they were married, just like Don and India. I wondered if I were married, would I still want an open marriage? With Dan, I would have married him to have an open marriage and also nice in-laws (since I’m not close with my own parents, I’m always looking for surrogate parents), but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, I realize I really do want a traditional marriage, meaning completely monogamous, if I can actually be in love with my husband, something that had always seemed unreal to me before.

However, I still like looking at and touching good-looking women, so I did a little of that as the party wound down, but then had to resume my coat-check duties. Most of the couples seemed to have a good time. I guess it was good for their marriages and relationship to shake it up a little by attending these types of parties occasionally, but I began to understand that if I were married to someone I love, I would rather be with him than with any woman.

After the party, I helped Don and India and “Bart,” the bartender, clean up. I asked Don and India again about what PR had said to them about me, and they said that he wanted to go to the party with me as a date, and he recommended Tattoo to be the hostess. I was so mad, because Don and India offered me the job first.

But we also talked about upcoming parties they would do, and I was so excited to be a part of this new classy couples world. The following morning I had to be at a church just a few blocks away for my class at school, so I spent the night in the suite with Don and India and Bart. Bart and I shared the bed in the smaller bedroom - he wanted to have sex with me, but he totally respected me when I said no.

The next Monday, PR left me a voice message asking me how Don and India’s party went, but I never called him back. The next day, Tuesday the 15th (yesterday), when I was working at Onie’s club, PR asked me why I didn’t return his call. I told PR I was upset that he tried to sabotage my job at the couples party, that Don and India had only needed one hostess and they were waiting to hear from him about me working there because he had told them he would be in touch with me.

PR denied it, of course, but I knew I couldn’t trust him. I just made my peace with him but internally I kept my distance. I also decided I wouldn’t let him kiss me anymore or touch me anymore. Previously, although I don’t let the customers kiss me, I would let PR kiss me because he was my boss and we had already kissed and had sex, and he is nice-looking. But now I wouldn’t.

The rest of the night was okay – I met a nice-looking Turkish guy who stayed with me til the end of the night – I always like to have a nice-looking and intelligent guy stay with me til the end of the shift because the later it gets, the less I want to work. But even though I was with this nice guy, I missed Robert Hannibal incredibly!

I'm still attracted to women, but I choose Robert Hannibal.

Men I’ve Met by Working at Onie’s Club – Feb. 2, 2011

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Other Women Working at Onie’s club – Feb. 2, 2011

I feel kind of guilty because these guys are going to Onie’s club in anticipation of this wild group sex with lots of women who love men and can’t get enough of them. And yet all of us women are paid to be there and to “keep the room moving.”

The other girls who work there all wear lingerie but I just wear the standard white towel that all the guys wear. Onie provides the towels, so I don’t understand why the girls would want to waste wearing their own lingerie for this job.

For one, the girls complain about losing their underwear, and since I don’t wear anything under the towel, I don’t have to worry about losing anything. Also, I feel like lingerie should be worn only for special occasions, for special people. This job is a job.

Most of the other women at this job are not very attractive to me. I think they’re nice and funny, but I’m not attracted to most of them. They’ve all gone down on me, though, and they are quite good.

In fact, one time when the other girls were all around me, touching and kissing me, and the guys were watching as one of the girls went down on me, I moaned a little. Kayla, the older white woman in her mid 40’s, said, “that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a sound out of her!”

Which is true. When I’m having sex I never make a sound. It’s not that I try not to make a sound, but no sound comes out because I don’t feel anything. If the guy is pushing too hard I tell him it hurts, but that’s it.

Even with Robert Hannibal, who I love, I don’t make a sound. But with Robert Hannibal, my heart does race, and I do cling to him. Always, I make love to him. But he still doesn’t get me to come or orgasm. But I don’t need to with him. Just being with him is enough! Robert Hannibal is all I need.

Most of the guys who go to Onie’s tell me I’m the prettiest one there and they say they can’t get over how beautiful and sexy I am. One guy who I ended up going home with because he offered me money, and he wasn’t disgusting (he was young and reasonably cute and Asian and funny and smart), told me when we were at the club that I was a “hot commodity.” He knew we were getting paid (the smarter guys usually figure it out), and he told me I should get paid more than the other girls.

Now, although my whole life I have always been considered cute and/or pretty, and sometimes beautiful, that doesn’t mean I was considered one of the prettiest girls.  I wasn’t.  So, so many of the girls who attended church and school with me were very, very pretty, much prettier than I was.

I really feel like the quantity of pretty girls I’ve gone to church and to school with is astounding.  And I attended many different schools and wards (LDS congregations) because my family moved around so much, but somehow there were always so many pretty girls, my own age and older.

I cannot even count how many girls I had crushes on when I was growing up (usually very painful crushes, and all unrequited), on girls in school and in church.  Over the course of my life, I have had several guys ask me if Mormon girls are always so pretty and the answer I always give them is an emphatic YES!

So I have enough common sense and self-awareness to know that the same holds true today, even as I'm older and in grad school.  If any of these guys who go to Onie's parties went to my church or my school, they would see that I may be pretty, but I am not one of the prettiest ones. There are some absolutely stunning and beautiful and hot girls, especially at my school.  I am not even close to being as good-looking as some of the Indian girls at my school.  They are simply gorgeous.

Plus, outside of Onie’s parties, or any sexual situations, I dress like a schoolmarm, a sensible shoes-wearing librarian-type. When I’m naked I look better, because my dowdy clothes take away from my attractiveness.

But in this situation at Onie’s club, I have the best body and arguably the prettiest face. It’s all relative.  I take it in stride.

Though in my own mind, I think “Gia,” a light-skinned black girl, has the prettiest face. Her features are so petite and feminine while my features are huge and masculine, with my manly lesbian jaw.

Also, if Gia just lost a little weight in her hips and legs and stomach, she would have a better body than me. She’s not fat at all, but she’s had a few kids. I’m probably the only woman working in this capacity at Onie’s club who hasn’t had any kids, so of course I'm going to have the best body. I'm lucky that I have an hourglass shape, but I sure could tone up. Considering I haven't had any children, I should be much more toned.

Gia and I have had a few threesomes together, and I love being with her. The job is so much better when I can be involved with the other women! I think Gia is the best-looking woman at the job, but I’m really most intensely attracted to the twins.

The twins are “Cinnamon” and “Desire,” and they are light-skinned black twin sisters who everyone says look like Tia and Tamara Mowry, the stars of that TV show, “Sister, Sister” (though to me, they are much prettier than Tia and Tamara). I really, really, really like these girls! I have so much fun with them and I am so attracted to them. They are each such sensual lovers. So sensual.

They keep their sexual distance from each other, being that they’re sisters, but as long as I get to be with one or the other of them, I have a great time at work. I really love being with him. I just want to keep kissing them over and over.

I’m closer with Desire but I love them both. Desire calls me her “smart beauty,” – I love that she has a nickname for me. I am so attracted to her – I just cannot get enough of her.

A few weeks ago, the night of January 13 at about 3:30am (technically January 14), the twins and I walked to the subway together after leaving work at Onie’s club. We were discussing who are the best lovers at Onie’s club.

I immediately said, “Robert Hannibal,” and the twins asked if he was the guy who looks like John Legend. Robert Hannibal is so, so, so, so much better looking than John Legend! But yes, I suppose some might say he looks like John Legend, but to me he doesn’t. Robert Hannibal only looks like himself, and he is perfect.

The twins said Robert Hannibal and another guy were the two best lovers at the club, but I insisted that only Robert Hannibal was a good lover. The absolute best. I confessed that I was in love with him, and they asked if Kayla knew, because Kayla was in love with him too.

I told them that Robert Hannibal has taken me to couples-only swing clubs on three different dates, and he’s never taken Kayla anywhere. I told the twins that the night before, in fact, Robert Hannibal had taken me to get a couple’s sensual massage for our fourth date, and I told them how I was jealous of the masseuse.

I told them that even though I knew he was married, I wanted him all to myself when I got to see him. But I knew his wife was first in his life.

As we were in the subway station, we ran into a Jewish guy I had met at a Mormon BBQ. I love seeing people randomly, especially on the subway. He asked where we were heading from and we just said, “a party.”

This conversation reminded me of my hostess dancing job in college, where I couldn’t tell anyone where I actually worked. Why can’t what I do in my part-time job be socially accepted (and legal)?

The twins and I also talked about starting our own business and making more money. Onie, the owner of Onie’s clubs, doesn’t pay us as much as we should get, so we are trying to figure out a way to make more money on our own.

For me, again, this is only temporary – my contract ends March 31, 2011 and then I have to start living like a temple-worthy Mormon. I will miss the easy money I get by having sex with men, I will miss being with women, especially Gia and Cinnamon and Desire, and of course I will miss being with Robert Hannibal most of all!

Part 5 – The First Threesome I Didn’t Want(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

A few days after Christmas, on Dec. 29, Robert Hannibal texted me and said he hoped my Christmas was good and then he said, “2 weeks until tantra!” I was so glad he had thought of me over Christmas break. Of course I had thought of him constantly, but I couldn’t expect the same level of attention from him, a married father. I was excited about the tantra club, but more excited about seeing him.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a about a week and a half, so on Jan. 11 I emailed him to ask him when the tantra club would open, and he said he hadn’t gotten any confirmation that it was happening, but he would check again.

Then he sent me another email: “If you're up for it, we could do a sensual massage session this evening. There is lovely lady who will do a 90 min couples session.” And he said it would be a 15-minute bus ride but of course I would go any distance to see him. I told him I had never had a sensual massage before in a couples situation before.

The woman was attractive, probably in her late 40’s, and said she preferred giving sensual massages to couples rather than single men. I felt guilty because we weren’t a real couple and she asked if we were married or boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no, and Robert Hannibal said we were “sexual adventurers.”

She still took this to mean we were a couple of sorts, but I knew what Robert Hannibal meant. I am simply his partner in seeking sexual adventure. Yet could I ask to be anything more than that, knowing that he’s married? I should just be glad I get to be with him.

The masseuse said she wouldn’t engage in sex herself, but of course Robert Hannibal and I were free to do so. We laid down on the bed, facedown and naked, while she was on top of us. The massage was nice and sensual and she had a very nice touch. Robert Hannibal saw me smile at something she did, and he made some comment, like, “someone’s happy.” She played more with me than with him, and it was fun.

Robert Hannibal went down on me and then asked the masseuse if he could lick her as well, and I was glad when she said no. But she stimulated Robert Hannibal and then he and I had sex. The masseuse was involved and it was a nice threesome, but she was more involved with me than with him. I was glad. If she had been more involved with him than with me, I would have been jealous, but for the first time I would have been jealous of the woman and not the man.

But I did find myself getting jealous of her that he was touching her while he was having sex with me. I realized that I would have preferred to have been alone with Robert Hannibal! That is something I never thought I would ever wish, to be alone with a man instead of having a woman there! But I wished the other woman wasn't there and that it was just me and Robert Hannibal.

Afterwards, she said we could shower and I thought Robert Hannibal would shower with me, but he spent the entire time I was in the shower talking with the masseuse. This made me so upset. I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe how upset I was. I guess there is no way I can deny that I really like him. I still can’t quite believe it. But I really do. I really love him.

When we left her apartment, I was still so mad and I can’t hide how I feel so I just told the masseuse “bye” but I couldn’t say “thank you.” Although she had a great touch and had enabled Robert Hannibal and me to have another amazing sexual experience, I couldn’t thank her because at the end he was with her instead of with me.

When we were on the bus back to the city, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was expecting a real massage for muscle tension with a sensual flare added. I told him I had had real massages that were also sensual, given either by another woman or by a man, and I thought that’s what she was going to do – give a real massage to get knots out but also make it sensual.

He told me most people who are trained as massage therapists might not do the sensual part as well, but I told him I had had it in individual situations. I also told him I wasn’t attracted to her – I wanted someone more feminine. Not that the woman was unfeminine. I was just unhappy because Robert Hannibal had not showered with me but had talked to the woman instead.

But how could I tell him that? I had no claim on him. He was another woman’s husband. I was just his “sexual adventure” partner. And I realized if I kept up a bad attitude, he wouldn’t even want to share any more sexual adventures with me. So I changed the subject and talked about bright, cheerful subjects. I was so happy when he said he might be able to go to another swing club on Saturday night with me, but he wasn’t sure. I was so happy at the prospect of possibly seeing him again so soon!

He told me about another elegant swing party, similar to the “One Leg Up” parties, but this party was called “Do you know George.” He said that he and his wife were actually going to go to this party for New Year’s Eve, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought of how lucky his wife was, to have the opportunity to get to go to these fancy swing parties and see beautiful women but get to go home with the best lover in the world.

I wondered why his wife didn’t want to go to those parties anymore, but I didn’t ask him. I could understand if she just wanted Robert Hannibal to herself – who wouldn’t? But I gathered that she and he were not as intimate as they once were, though I didn’t ask him that either. Sometimes I want to know everything about his wife, who I think is the luckiest woman in the world, and sometimes I don’t want to know anything about her.

When we were at the subway station, I told him to let me know about this Saturday, and he said he would see, but he had to live his “regular life too.” I told him about my deadline, that I had to get all this done by April 1st, and that I called all of this my “shadow life.” He laughed, and I told him that since I'm on limited time, I’m willing to have my “shadow life” dig into my “real life” a little. But really, I just wanted more time with him, but didn’t say so. I just told him I really wanted to go to a “One Leg Up” party before my deadline. Then we parted ways.

The whole subway ride home I thought about Robert Hannibal and how being in the very situation I had been searching for back in August 2010, namely a sensual threesome, had happened that night and I didn’t want it. I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. It was amazing that a man could make me not want to be with another woman.

A woman right next to me, kissing me, touching me, and I didn’t want it. I only wanted Robert Hannibal!