I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Robert Hannibal, Part 1– January 13, 2011

My first night of work at this club, as I said earlier, was Nov. 2, 2010 – Election Day.  As I said, my expectation of hot couples and girls did not materialize, and I was left with only men.  As the new girl, I was surrounded by men, and after about an hour and a half “PR” came over to me.  He hugged me and lifted me up and kissed me and asked how my first night of work was going.  I told him I was frustrated because I’d already had sex with seven guys that night and there weren’t any women except for the other women working at Onie’s.  PR told me I should slow down and pace myself, and that there weren’t always couples every night.

Then I started talking with “Mississippi,” one of the other women working at Onie’s, and asked her where all the couples were.  She said there weren’t usually couples, that this party was usually just for single men.   I felt angry and misled by PR.  Mississippi  told me to just find the men I found most attractive and have sex with them.  “But I don’t like men!” I told her.

Then I laid down on one of the beds, and one man caught my eye.  To my surprise, I was attracted to him, and I wanted him to have sex with me.   That had never happened before.

If I were in a different situation, I wonder if I would have wanted him to have sex with me.  Given that I was paid to have sex with these men, I naturally wanted to choose the better-looking men, since I had to be with someone regardless. But this man just stood out to me, somehow.  I’ve always felt I would marry a dark-skinned man, with some sort of brown skin color, but I wasn’t sure what race, and have never been able to see myself being attracted to a white man or a black man.  This man was brown-skinned, and he seemed to me to be a cross between an Islander and/or a Polynesian man.  More importantly, he just seemed so handsome and yes, sexy, to me.  That word never appeared in the same sentence as a man before.

As if in a movie, our eyes met across the room and he came over to where I was and we started talking.  We had rapport immediately, and when I told him I was getting my Master’s in Journalism at Columbia, he smiled and said he went to Dartmouth for undergrad.  He asked if this was my first time at a sex party, and I told him no, I’d gone to sex parties before, and that my previous relationship with Dan was interesting because the only thing we had in common was that we both liked orgies.  This man asked why I like orgies so much and I told him sex with men was boring.  I told him the best sex was in an orgy.  I told him I didn’t really like men, but preferred women, but in an orgy setting, I could have sex with men because it wasn’t as boring as being alone with a man.

We started kissing and having sex, and with this man, “Robert Hannibal,” I felt like I was finally feeling what all the “sex” fuss was about.  I didn’t come or get even close to orgasm, but I loved being with him.  I loved every single moment.  I didn’t want it to end.  That is so different from my usual thoughts during sex, because usually I am wishing the guy would hurry up and come already.  That is the constant refrain going through my mind when I am having sex.  But not with Robert Hannibal. 

After we had sex and while I was having sex with another guy, Robert Hannibal continued to talk with me, and the other men around us were amazed that I was able to carry on a conversation while being pounded, but for me, it’s not that difficult.  Then Robert Hannibal had sex with me again, and it was just as amazing.  The other men asked me and Robert Hannibal how long we  had known each other and everyone laughed when we told them we had just met that night.  That was the first time I have ever experienced attraction and chemistry with a man, and the fact that it was instant made it even more amazing for me.   

Then a long-haired guy, who’d had sex with me earlier, started going down on me and ended up with a condom in his mouth.  Robert Hannibal realized, as the last man who’d had sex with me before this guy, that the condom was his.  He, very seriously, told me, “that’s my condom, I’m sorry.  I’ll help to take care of anything,” and I knew he meant an abortion.   Because I was far enough along in my cycle, I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant, but I felt a twinge of sadness.  Here was a man I would actually like to get pregnant with – a smart, handsome man, and yet I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant by him. At least not at this time.

I told him, “Don’t worry, I won’t be pregnant, but I’m clean.  Are you clean?” And he said he was, and so I told him everything was fine.  Then the other guy pulled me down and kept going down on me all over, but I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal.  I have usually used protection, but remembered the two pregnancy scares I had had – one with Dan, from the Philippines, where I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant, but in reality, I was just messed up from being on the Pill for so long and manipulating it.  

And I remembered another guy I had a one-night stand with – that I had hoped would be a threesome, or would lead to a threesome, but didn’t.  And the thought of being pregnant by that guy was terrifying to me because I didn’t want a baby by him.  At that time, I had missed the five day window for Plan B, and was seriously going to get an abortion if I ended up not getting my period.  But luckily my period arrived soon after, and I wasn’t pregnant by that guy.   But now I’d met a guy I actually wanted to get pregnant by!

After the long-haired guy finished going down on me, Robert Hannibal made a joke about the porn that was showing and I told him I’d rather just see girl-on-girl porn and he told me that sometimes Onie showed it and he would check on that.  He went to ask PR about the porn and a couple other guys had sex with me during that time.

Then  I took a break and went to the restroom.  As I was leaving the restroom, Robert Hannibal asked me if I was interested in art and told me about an art show that was happening the next day, but I told him I had school and couldn’t make it. I didn’t even think to give him my contact information even so.  

I continued my job, having sex with a couple more guys, and noticed Robert Hannibal wasn’t there anymore.  I asked PR where he was (and that was when I realized Robert Hannibal had never told me his name!).  But PR said, “Rob? The guy you were with earlier two times?  He left.”  I was very upset but tried to cover up my hurt by saying, “he was supposed to tell me about some girl-on-girl porn that you guys sometimes show!  How could he leave without telling me that?”  PR said, “Oh, he did ask about that porn but I told him I didn’t think we have it anymore.  He’s a regular, he should know that.”  Because PR called him a regular, I knew I would see him again, and Robert Hannibal had made several references to the fact that he frequently attended Onie’s parties.  The next few times at work, I didn’t see him, and was so busy at work I didn’t have much time to think about him, though he was always in the back of my mind.  

But then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he was there.  I was so excited to see him again, but before I could do anything one of the older white women, “Kayla,” who is in her mid-40’s, grabbed him.  One of the unwritten rules is that we don’t intercept when one of the other girls has chosen a guy – we may join them in a threesome if it’s cool with both of them, but we don’t try to take the guy away.  So all I could do was watch as she gave him a hand job and a blow job and then had sex with him.  I was so angry.  Normally I like Kayla, but I almost hated her then.  I didn’t want to be with anyone else, even though it was my job to do so.  It became too painful to watch Robert Hannibal’s face or body, so my eyes turned to his feet – when they shook, I knew he was having a full-body orgasm.

When Kayla and Robert Hannibal were done, they sat down by me and my face is so vocal I cannot hide my emotions.  I put my head in my hand because watching the two of them together had truly given me a headache.  Kayla kept asking me what was wrong, and I said I was tired, but in reality, I just wanted to talk with Robert Hannibal.  

Finally, Robert Hannibal started talking to me, and our ease of conversation continued just as if we had seen each other recently.  He talked about how he was so lazy for Thanksgiving he was “ordering in,” and I laughed, saying “that is really lazy!”  How I hoped he was single!  If he was married or had a girlfriend, surely he wouldn’t be ordering in on Thanksgiving!  He sat closer to me, and asked how I was doing, calling me, “Miss Journalism.”

He asked if I wanted to “play” and I said of course, and then he was so cute – he said he got shy, and I asked him, laughingly, “why are you shy?” Then I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the bed against the wall.  At first we just lay there, him facing me and me lying on my right side.  Kayla came over and put her arm around him, saying to him and gesturing to me, “Isn’t she beautiful?” and he stroked my hips and the outside of my left leg and said, without looking at her and keeping his eyes on me, “she’s lovely.”  

Then we began having sex  and once again it was an amazing experience.  I don’t know what it is he does differently but somehow he is worlds away from any other guy in the bedroom.  PR, the promoter came by and said, “you two are making love,” and he kissed my breast then walked away.  PR always tries to cop a feel when we are with any guy, and I didn’t want him ruining my time with Robert Hannibal so I just ignored him.  There are jokes at the club that we are not there to make love, only to have sex, but with Robert Hannibal, I really do feel that we are making love. 

When he finished, he smiled and said, “You’re fabulous.”  But I’m not. I don’t do anything during sex.  But it’s a different way of not doing anything when I’m with Robert Hannibal than not doing anything with other guys.  Whereas with other guys I am literally bored and feel like a board, in every sense, being nailed, with Robert Hannibal I am moving with him – we really are two bodies joining as one.  I never felt that with any man before, and with only a few women.  We are really dancing together in sex.  I follow his lead, which is ironic because in true partner dances I’ve never been able to follow the lead.  But with Robert Hannibal, it feels so natural – I want to be wherever he is. 

Laying in bed, he talked with me about “real” swing clubs, where you have to be a couple to get in, and he told me about a fancy one that intrigued me so much.  He said he knew of quite a few that were high class and he would email me the links.  I told him I could get in trouble if I gave out my contact information, so he memorized my email address.  He told me we would go to one of the clubs together.  My excitement surged.  I have never so eagerly anticipated a date before, with a man or woman.  Never. 

He mentioned it was getting late and that he would have to go, and I asked if he could stay til 11.  I told him I have to stay til 11, and if he leaves then I’d have to be with some other guy, but as long as he stayed and I stayed with him, then I’d be fine.  He told me he’d stay with me. Then, when it was 11pm and my shift was over, he walked me to the subway and told me his email address.  I knew right away this email address was not the one he used for friends and family, and I was worried he might be married. 

Now, I’ve been with many married men before.  But I’ve never been in love with any of them, never been in love with any man before.   I’ve never even really been attracted to a man before.  But this man was so attractive.  So handsome and intelligent and funny and kind and attractive! My thoughts never dwelled on a man before.  My heart never rose up for a man before.  And I realized that I was falling in love with Robert Hannibal.