Temporary Intimacy with Robert Hannibal - written March 10, 2011

On Tuesday, March 8^th, I worked at “Onie’s” club and was hoping Robert Hannibal would be there.  It would be my last chance to see him before my trip, as I was leaving the next day with my class! 

The first 20 minutes I was on the large bed talking to “Mansion,” who’s around 30 years old, and I think from some Eastern European country.  He’s been going to Onie’s club pretty regularly and he always tells me he’s going to take me to a fancy swing party at some rich Russian guy’s mansion.

That’s still my goal while working at Onie’s, besides just making extra money – to find a guy who will take me to a “One Leg Up” party and any other nice fancy swing party.  But Mansion just kept talking without giving me details. 

Finally, in my worry that Robert Hannibal would not show and my annoyance with Mansion for talking so much about the fancy swing party but not giving me concrete information or formally inviting me, I got off the bed and went to the bar area to get some water to drink.  I talked to “Bartender” for awhile and tried to practice my Japanese with her, but I am very rusty.

Then I returned to the main large room and sat on the large bed.  Mansion had moved over to one of the smaller beds against the far wall, and “Tatoo” was on the small bed next to the large bed I was sitting on.  She and I began talking about the guys and she made me laugh so much.  I like her humor because she says exactly what she thinks and says it in such a brash manner. 

I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed, but thought it was Mansion, so I didn’t acknowledge him, and kept talking and laughing with Tattoo.  Suddenly the person next to me said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much here.”  It was Robert Hannibal!  I turned to him and hugged him tightly and said, “I didn’t know it was you!  I thought it was [Mansion]!  I’m so glad to see you!”

I kept my arms around him and asked if he’d gotten my last two emails, and he said no.  He had gotten a new phone and couldn’t update his other email to that phone in case his wife saw it.  Everytime  I think perhaps his wife knows he’s still swinging, I get a reminder that she doesn’t know.  Even though I’ve really always known that Robert Hannibal and I are in fact stepping out behind his wife’s back. 

I told Robert Hannibal I was so happy to see him that night because the next day I would leave for Israel with my class and wouldn’t be back until the evening of March 21^st . He told me he and his wife and kids were leaving for two weeks on March 22^nd to vacation in the Dominican Republic.  I asked if I could see him on the 21^st when I got back and before he left, but he said he didn’t know.

We sat on the bed and continued talking, and he brought up the idea of having another threesome with me.  He said if I had liked the woman who gave us the sensual massage we could go back there, but since I didn’t, we could find someone else.  I was flattered that, in a threesome at least, he considered me the other half of the couple!  I know we’re not a real couple, but if this is the only way he’ll consider us as a couple, I won’t complain!

I suggested one of the twins, either “Cinnamon” or “Desire,” since I love both of them, but he said he wanted someone different. He knows I like Indian girls and brown-skinned girls, but he said he wanted someone aggressive, like “Tatoo,” but not as aggressive as she is.  He said she was too aggressive for him. 

I said we should find someone like Angelina Jolie, because she’s so beautiful but she would definitely be aggressive in just the right way.  He said we could put an ad out on Craigslist for an “Angelina Jolie” type.  I was so excited to think of us as a couple, albeit a false CL couple!

But of course I didn’t actually want another threesome with him because I like being alone with him. As alone as I can, given that we are only together at Onie’s or at other swing clubs.  But for him to think of us a couple, of any sort, was still an honor for me.

Then he asked if I wanted to play, and of course I said yes.  I was lying down on the bed and he was above, and he would lean down to kiss me and I would rise up to meet him.  At one point he hesitated a little and furrowed his brow.  He didn’t kiss me, but said, “the more time I spend with you, the more intimate I feel towards you.” 

I rose up and said, “You know I would never want to ruin your marriage, right?” and I kissed him and he met my kiss and said, ‘Yes.” Then I laid back down but rose up again to say, “and you know my contract ends soon.” And we kissed again and I said, “So it’s just temporary intimacy.  So it’s okay.” 

Then we kissed some more and began making love.  We had the large bed all to ourselves.  When I’m making love to him at Onie’s, I forget that there are other people in the room.  I feel like it’s just Robert Hannibal and me, alone. 

After he orgasmed, he lay down next to me, leaning on his elbow and resting his head on his hand, and faced me, smiling, and said, “You, you, you!”  I really love him so much. 

We continued kissing and talking about his music.  Robert Hannibal composes trip-hop music, and I wasn’t familiar with that genre of music. He told me he would try to play some for me on his new phone.  We kept talking and kissing but then he said he had to leave.  I tried to hold onto him but he said he needed to go. 

We’d spent nearly two hours together from 7pm on and it was almost 9pm at that point.  As we left the bed, holding hands, “J-Star,” one of the other girls who works at Onie’s and is good friends with Onie, smiled and said, “There’s the couple” to me.  She said that because with all the other guys, I don’t have any emotion and I just want to be done as soon as possible.  Robert Hannibal is the only guy who brings any emotion out of me, the only guy I want to spend time with, the only guy where it appears that I am actually enjoying sex, because with him, I am.

Robert Hannibal and I kept holding hands and kissing and as we left the bar area and went into the lobby/changing area, we crossed paths with a very handsome young man with thick black eyebrows.  I noticed him even though I was with Robert Hannibal because he’s probably the best-looking man I’ve ever seen.  I knew all the other girls working at Onie’s would want him.  But I was sure I would get him.

As we entered the lobby/changing area, I put my arms around Robert Hannibal’s neck and he hugged me and held me and we kept kissing.  Onie said, laughing, to Robert Hannibal, “You can’t take her home!” Oh, if only he could.  If only there wasn’t a wife already at home.  I would go home with him so gladly.

Robert Hannibal got out his new phone and gave me his new number, and I made sure his new phone had my number.  I asked him to play me one of his songs before he left and he tried to log onto a music website.  I saw as he entered his user information that his last name was “Tanner” – I mentally made note of this.  I had never asked him his last name, although he knew my full name from my email address. I wanted to give him his privacy and also to reassure him that he could trust me.  That I would never try to follow him or notify his wife.  But I was so happy to know his last name. 

He didn’t realize I had seen his last name.  He was just trying to get onto the site, and wasn’t able to.  “It’s okay,” I said.  “Next time.”  As much as I wanted to hear his music, I was elated that I knew his last name.  Such a personal piece of information.  I felt closer to him, even if only deceptively. 

We hugged and kissed some more and it was so hard to say good-bye to him.  I am so glad I got to see him before leaving on my trip.  I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. 

When he left, I looked at the clock.  It was exactly 9pm.  I had two more hours to go.  But I was so glad I had spent the past two hours with Robert Hannibal!  If only every night working at Onie’s could be like that!

Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011

In examining my love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism.  How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert Hannibal so much?

In an earlier entry, I declared that I wasn’t a lesbian because I was in love with a man.  But I don’t know if that’s really true.  Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find women very attractive.  And I still don’t find men attractive.  Except for Robert Hannibal. 

However, if I had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t consider myself a lesbian.  I would rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy, when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal? 

But I didn’t meet him then. 

Now, at a very young age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you.  But also at a very young age, I had legitimate crushes on teenage girls.  They were so beautiful to me.

In purely aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to women.  The ideal female body, an hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered and angular, can’t really compare.  Who wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?

And even so, most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit.  I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

But what really attracts me in others is the face.  I love faces.  Simply put: the average female face is always better-looking than the average male face.  In a heterosexual couple, the female is nearly always better-looking than the male. 

(I say “nearly” because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I'm not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can't think of men as manly if they're blonde. He has always been better-looking than his female partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina Jolie.  Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to be better-looking than him.  She is the perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this planet).

Suffice it to say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in the first place, in body or face.  But it is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale.  It is quite another to be on the negative side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side. 

This is because men are disgusting.  It’s not their fault.  The hormones and chemicals that form the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good.  Men give off disgusting odors all the time, especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do not.  And men grunt, especially during exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.  Quite unattractive.

On the whole, I do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear perfume myself).  But cologne, on the other hand, always smells horrible.  I have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh air.  Men just need to stay extra-clean and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse.

In terms of sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting.  I hate the names for it, I hate the way it looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate having it inside me.  But I would rather have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or blow-jobs.  Why would I want to touch something so ugly, especially with my mouth?

One of the ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my elementary school had brought to school.  It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ.  It was so repulsive.  I could not understand why women would do that, except for money. 

Yes, even in elementary school I could understand prostitution.

I contrast this experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary school.  Our babysitter’s dad had “Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was at their house. 

But it wasn’t just naked women I loved looking at.  Any pictures of beautiful women.  I loved reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most beautiful women on TV.  Although I was only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and the metro newspaper faithfully.  Partly I loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections.  And I really loved reading about actresses and seeing their pictures. 

Although my appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a man-hater at such a young age.  I even told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and I chose the best-looking one for myself.  But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all.

As I grew older, I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl, could not.  I really started resenting guys.  I almost hated them.  And I hated that I had to pretend to have crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal.

Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are?  Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were.

Then gradually I started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for being so inferior to women in looks and complexity.  When I worked my hostess dancing job my last semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but also heightened pity towards them. 

I began to think that if a man ever got me to orgasm, and if I could have a real sexual dream about a man (not like my Marilyn Monroe threesome dream I had as a young teen where the man disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual attraction towards men.  But these scenarios have not happened.

As a Mormon who overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage).  

I didn’t think it would be too hard.  Although I still think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my girl friends like.  Most of all, conversation is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and being around them.  That is pretty much how I’ve felt ever since.

Until I met Robert Hannibal. 

When I first saw him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive.  I consider people attractive if I want to kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before.  But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt attraction for him immediately and immensely.  And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized.  I had finally had good sex with a man.  I finally made love to a man.

He hasn’t made me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him.  But I love him so much that I don’t need those things.

So what is it about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve met? 

First, it’s his looks.  I always felt the first man I would be attracted to would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or some mixture of those.  Some race that wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head, but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used to actually be quite afraid of it.

Robert Hannibal is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him. I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric.  

His skin is beautiful and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting like most men’s.  Also, he doesn’t have hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I haven’t touched it and won’t). 

His face is really so handsome, and cute and endearing.  His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind.  He has a face I love looking at. 

He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves it.  Ironically, although I don’t like baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look like he has a high forehead.  Yet on him, it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse at the same time.

Robert Hannibal's smile is so cute.  His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile.  It’s not a broad smile or a smile that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him with his cute underbite.  Whether his teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.  He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his skin is so smooth, it’s flawless.

I always thought I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their beauty.  But because his eyes are part of him, they are so beautiful.

He’s not really tall, maybe 5’9" or 5'10", and again, I always thought the first man I liked would be tall.  His shoulders are rounded and his upper arms are short, like mine.  He has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s, where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks like an Islander.  

Everything about him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him.  I remember the second night I saw him at Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having sex with him.  It hurt me too much to look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet.  They’re beautiful.  When he orgasmed, I remember his feet shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms.  When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing to have him inside me.  I am so in love with him.

We have undeniable sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry.  We can talk about anything.  He is so intelligent.  And he’s not pretentious at all.  He went to [Ivy League school] and now works in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it.  He doesn’t treat anyone rudely.  He always makes sure to tip “Bartender” (though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits). 

Conversation with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant.  He uses graceful language, not in a condescending manner, but just in a natural manner.  He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth. 

And he’s such a gentleman.  The second night I met him (third time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work at Onie’s, he made sure to walk on the outside, closest to the street.  He told me his mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his side.  Most times when I’m walking with him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again his mother teaching him that.  I love that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her.  I love that he’s a gentleman.

When we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s always very respectful of others as well as of me.  It’s such a contrast to other men I see on the subway who are not gentlemen at all. 

This afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I had to hold on to the railing above my head.  I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could sit.  I looked down the subway car and saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted me to marry). 

[My condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head at him.  He’s not a gentleman.  Robert Hannibal is.  Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.

Not only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor while at the same time being a strong, manly man.  I don’t know how he can be both, but he is.  He is most definitely a MAN.  But he’s so kind too. 

The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character.  But kindness must be integral to him as well.  Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am). 

And I love his humor.  He’s not a clown but he has a nice, easy-going humor.  He’s so intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly with each other.  We really have such good conversations with each other.  We talk religion, politics, sexuality.  Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people steer away from such charged subjects. 

Yet Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations.  I always have such enjoyable conversations with him.  I love talking with him.  His voice itself is just the right timbre.  Most men’s voices are annoying.  They speak either too high or too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.  But not Robert Hannibal.  His voice is just the right tone, the right color.  I love listening to him.

I love hugging him.  I love sitting on his lap.  I love kissing him.  I love making love to him and having him make love to me.  I love being with him.  And he’s a man.  And I would rather be with him than with anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman.

So am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man?  In my first grad school program, I tried to write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other women.  It’s not about being lesbian, it’s about wanting beauty.  And women are beautiful.

I wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized to find men attractive, because men can provide for us.  This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I felt alone and different.  But as I aged and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the socialization to find men attractive.  That’s when I wrote “Jack, Jane and Jill.”

Maybe if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys attractive?  Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to compare boys and girls?  Women are the fairer sex, so is it even right to compare? 

Perhaps I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one.

At any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the only.  I guess the possibility was always there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me.  

Part of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to.  That’s a lot of responsibility to give to someone.  Especially someone who’s already married. 

Travolta Gay Rumors, Scotty Bowers Book Re: Secret Sex Lives of the Stars and Book Describing Marilyn's Lesbian Affairs

Regarding accusations that John Travolta sexually harassed male masseurs - that is one thing. No one should take advantage of his/her power or influence and harass anyone else, sexually or otherwise.

But all the talk about these accusations proving that Travolta is gay reminds me of the recent book by Scotty Bowers, “Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars” (see NY Times review here and laweekly.com review here). Some of the stars named in the book were predominately “straight” but had same-sex affairs. Bowers himself, who had flings with many of the male stars, married a woman.

Now, is it really so unusual for someone who identifies as “straight” to be attracted to the same sex? Years ago I briefly dated “Lisa,” who worked in the film industry. She told me that literally all the girls on set, basically straight girls, flirted with her and tried to get with her.

I asked Lisa why in the film industry there seems to be so much same-sex action, even among primarily straight people. I mentioned that I never heard of any same-sex flirtation at my job, or in other industries where my other friends worked. Lisa said that, for many people, the entertainment industry represents a fantasy where people can do what they want. They’re not limited to being gay or straight – they can be with whomever they want to be with.

Now, “Full Service” is certainly not the first book or article to say that many stars of yesteryear had same-sex affairs, nor will it be the last. For instance, my major celebrity crush as a teenager, Marilyn Monroe, had at least two lesbian encounters, one with her drama coach and one with Joan Crawford, according to the recently released transcript of tapes she gave her psychologist shortly before her death.

Though to be sure, many books are written expressly to cause controversy and thus gain sales. For instance, celebrity journalist Darwin Porter’s new book, “Marilyn at Rainbow’s End,” claims that Monroe had lesbian flings with Marlene Dietrich, Barbara Stanwyck, the aforementioned Joan Crawford, and the simply luscious Elizabeth Taylor. “The Globe” tabloid writes regarding the rumors in this book: “But in her diary, Liz wrote about a sexual encounter with Marilyn after a June 1961 Frank Sinatra party. ‘Her touch was electric,’ Taylor said. ‘I wanted to see how far the b**** would go. But she had to do all the work.’”

Granted, a “celebrity journalist” and a tabloid are sparking these rumors. Who knows if the stories are really true? I have not read Porter’s book, and cannot verify any of the author’s claims. (But I hope the Elizabeth Taylor rumor is true, as she will always be the celebrity I am most in love with, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived!)

And regarding the Marilyn transcripts, who knows how accurate the transcription is? Though I have to say I don’t see any reason for the tapes to have been transcribed incorrectly. Regardless, I don’t find it outlandish at all that Monroe, who starred in my first sexual dream, could have had many lesbian encounters, and in fact I find it quite believable.

I have not read Bowers’ book either, but from the reviews and interviews with Bowers that I have read, I don’t think the book is a fraud or just a sales ploy. Bowers seems very candid, decent, and genuine in interviews. Besides, I think it perfectly reasonable that celebrities in the past had same-sex affairs. And if stars in the past had same-sex affairs, why not today’s stars?

Further, why would celebrities be any different from everyday, ordinary people? Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all sexual beings? Don’t straight girls talk about girl crushes and straight men talk about man crushes? What if a straight girl acted on her girl crush? Would that automatically make her a lesbian?

No. Somehow we need to get past the binary world of gay/straight. On Kinsey’s scale, most people, although they may be closer to one end or the other, do not fall completely on one side. I am convinced that most people are some level of bisexual. Freud introduced the concept of innate bisexuality in all humans, and I agree with that. The potential is there for everyone, but individual experiences and behaviors can strengthen certain feelings and lessen other feelings. And not everyone is born with the same degree of bisexuality, let alone acts on such feelings.

To that end, sexuality is even more precisely described as a spectrum, as I first discovered in a post by Shashauna P. Thomas, to which I eagerly responded. Sexuality on a spectrum allows for greater fluidity. And as such, I don’t think John Travolta is completely gay or completely straight. He probably enjoys sex with men but I think he really loves his wife as well. His sexuality, like everyone’s, falls on a spectrum. In fact, I think very few people are completely homosexual. (Though I used to think I was. Until I met Robert Hannibal.)

For me, the larger issues with Travolta concern sexual harassment and adultery. If he did sexually harass others, that is wrong. If the Travolta-Preston marriage is a monogamous one, and these accusations of affairs are true, then he did cheat, and that is wrong.

But if he and his wife are in an open marriage and have a polyamorous relationship and understanding, then he did not cheat. Yet, notwithstanding the openness of the marriage, any harassment is wrong.

Regardless, I am tired of people assuming that because someone has had same-sex affairs it must mean the person is gay. No, it just means the person is a human, a sexual being. Aren’t we all?

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Part 6 – Not a Lesbian Anymore(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

After my two times meeting Robert Hannibal at Onie's club, and then my four subsequent dates with him, I now knew for sure that I wasn’t a lesbian.

All my life I have only found women attractive and could never see what women saw in men other than the ability to raise social status. Yet I always knew that the best fit for society to function was not two women together or two men together or even one man and many women or vice versa.

(For much of my life, in fact, I had even held out the hope that plural marriage would come back to the Mormon church somehow, and then I could have a sanctioned marriage but still get to have sex with women, with my sister-wives. But realistically, I knew that would never happen. Our church really believes in one man/one woman marriage).

I wondered when, how, I would find a man I would want to marry, and now I have finally found a man I would absolutely love to marry! But he’s already married.

But how I love him! And how he makes me forget about women! I always wanted a husband who could do that for me. There has to be another one – Robert Hannibal can’t be the only man who can do that for me – that would be too cruel!

Now I realize that I cannot call myself a lesbian because now I know what it's like to like a guy. So no matter what, my view of homosexuality has changed. I had always believed in the possibility of change, that what I and others deal with are tendencies, and when we act on these tendencies, they grow, of course. But if we don't feed those tendencies, they can shrink, and we can grow other tendencies. And now I have proof that it's true.

So I'm telling you all this to say that I understand that everything I did that led me to Robert Hannibal - working at a club where I am paid to have sex with multiple men and where my only enjoyment is when I am with the other girls at the club - are all sins.

And even seeing Robert Hannibal in a swing setting is a sin, and just having sex with him outside of marriage is a sin, and the fact that he is married makes it even more of a sin, but I don't regret any of it. I have never known what it's like to really like a guy - I didn't know it was possible for me to actually like a guy. And I definitely never thought it was possible for me to actually like having sex with a guy!

So if it took me doing all these sinful things in order for me to realize that I actually *can* like a guy, then I think Heavenly Father can understand. I'm not saying He would ever condone sin - He couldn't, or He would cease to be G-d. But I think He knows what's going to happen and what decisions we are going to make and that, yes, I would make these decisions but these decisions would enable me to realize that I am capable of really, really, really liking a man. Of loving a man.

Because I really, really, really like Robert Hannibal. I love him so much. I think of him all the time. And this gives me hope to actually marry a man I could like and that my sexual life with him could be fulfilling. I was always afraid that if I got married to a man I would always miss women and would never be able to really connect with my husband sexually.

But after being with Robert Hannibal, and actually liking being alone with him and actually preferring to be alone with him, I know it's possible.

So that is my story. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that there is another guy out there who can fulfill me the same way - sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. There only needs to be one other guy. As long as the other guy isn't married, that is, so I can marry him!

Then I can finally be a normal Mormon woman and have a normal, temple marriage.

Part 5 – The First Threesome I Didn’t Want(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

A few days after Christmas, on Dec. 29, Robert Hannibal texted me and said he hoped my Christmas was good and then he said, “2 weeks until tantra!” I was so glad he had thought of me over Christmas break. Of course I had thought of him constantly, but I couldn’t expect the same level of attention from him, a married father. I was excited about the tantra club, but more excited about seeing him.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a about a week and a half, so on Jan. 11 I emailed him to ask him when the tantra club would open, and he said he hadn’t gotten any confirmation that it was happening, but he would check again.

Then he sent me another email: “If you're up for it, we could do a sensual massage session this evening. There is lovely lady who will do a 90 min couples session.” And he said it would be a 15-minute bus ride but of course I would go any distance to see him. I told him I had never had a sensual massage before in a couples situation before.

The woman was attractive, probably in her late 40’s, and said she preferred giving sensual massages to couples rather than single men. I felt guilty because we weren’t a real couple and she asked if we were married or boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no, and Robert Hannibal said we were “sexual adventurers.”

She still took this to mean we were a couple of sorts, but I knew what Robert Hannibal meant. I am simply his partner in seeking sexual adventure. Yet could I ask to be anything more than that, knowing that he’s married? I should just be glad I get to be with him.

The masseuse said she wouldn’t engage in sex herself, but of course Robert Hannibal and I were free to do so. We laid down on the bed, facedown and naked, while she was on top of us. The massage was nice and sensual and she had a very nice touch. Robert Hannibal saw me smile at something she did, and he made some comment, like, “someone’s happy.” She played more with me than with him, and it was fun.

Robert Hannibal went down on me and then asked the masseuse if he could lick her as well, and I was glad when she said no. But she stimulated Robert Hannibal and then he and I had sex. The masseuse was involved and it was a nice threesome, but she was more involved with me than with him. I was glad. If she had been more involved with him than with me, I would have been jealous, but for the first time I would have been jealous of the woman and not the man.

But I did find myself getting jealous of her that he was touching her while he was having sex with me. I realized that I would have preferred to have been alone with Robert Hannibal! That is something I never thought I would ever wish, to be alone with a man instead of having a woman there! But I wished the other woman wasn't there and that it was just me and Robert Hannibal.

Afterwards, she said we could shower and I thought Robert Hannibal would shower with me, but he spent the entire time I was in the shower talking with the masseuse. This made me so upset. I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe how upset I was. I guess there is no way I can deny that I really like him. I still can’t quite believe it. But I really do. I really love him.

When we left her apartment, I was still so mad and I can’t hide how I feel so I just told the masseuse “bye” but I couldn’t say “thank you.” Although she had a great touch and had enabled Robert Hannibal and me to have another amazing sexual experience, I couldn’t thank her because at the end he was with her instead of with me.

When we were on the bus back to the city, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was expecting a real massage for muscle tension with a sensual flare added. I told him I had had real massages that were also sensual, given either by another woman or by a man, and I thought that’s what she was going to do – give a real massage to get knots out but also make it sensual.

He told me most people who are trained as massage therapists might not do the sensual part as well, but I told him I had had it in individual situations. I also told him I wasn’t attracted to her – I wanted someone more feminine. Not that the woman was unfeminine. I was just unhappy because Robert Hannibal had not showered with me but had talked to the woman instead.

But how could I tell him that? I had no claim on him. He was another woman’s husband. I was just his “sexual adventure” partner. And I realized if I kept up a bad attitude, he wouldn’t even want to share any more sexual adventures with me. So I changed the subject and talked about bright, cheerful subjects. I was so happy when he said he might be able to go to another swing club on Saturday night with me, but he wasn’t sure. I was so happy at the prospect of possibly seeing him again so soon!

He told me about another elegant swing party, similar to the “One Leg Up” parties, but this party was called “Do you know George.” He said that he and his wife were actually going to go to this party for New Year’s Eve, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought of how lucky his wife was, to have the opportunity to get to go to these fancy swing parties and see beautiful women but get to go home with the best lover in the world.

I wondered why his wife didn’t want to go to those parties anymore, but I didn’t ask him. I could understand if she just wanted Robert Hannibal to herself – who wouldn’t? But I gathered that she and he were not as intimate as they once were, though I didn’t ask him that either. Sometimes I want to know everything about his wife, who I think is the luckiest woman in the world, and sometimes I don’t want to know anything about her.

When we were at the subway station, I told him to let me know about this Saturday, and he said he would see, but he had to live his “regular life too.” I told him about my deadline, that I had to get all this done by April 1st, and that I called all of this my “shadow life.” He laughed, and I told him that since I'm on limited time, I’m willing to have my “shadow life” dig into my “real life” a little. But really, I just wanted more time with him, but didn’t say so. I just told him I really wanted to go to a “One Leg Up” party before my deadline. Then we parted ways.

The whole subway ride home I thought about Robert Hannibal and how being in the very situation I had been searching for back in August 2010, namely a sensual threesome, had happened that night and I didn’t want it. I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. It was amazing that a man could make me not want to be with another woman.

A woman right next to me, kissing me, touching me, and I didn’t want it. I only wanted Robert Hannibal!