6th “Date” with Robert Hannibal – Feb. 17, 2011 – written Feb. 28, 2011

After our last “date” at Trapeze on Jan. 27, 2011, I couldn’t wait to see Robert Hannibal again. When I refer to going out with Robert Hannibal, I realize that I need to use the word “date” only in quotes – where we go are not proper dates. I understand that he is primarily using me in order to go to couples clubs.

But he also likes me, I’m sure of it. I know he likes sex with me, but he likes talking with me also. He likes me as a person. And I think he likes the fact that he is introducing me to these swing clubs – as if he is sort of a teacher for me.

Logically, I know our “relationship” is nothing more than that. I know he has a wife and kids. And I know I will eventually be a fully committed Mormon. I don’t think he considers me his girlfriend or his mistress, though to be honest, part of me wants that and part of me wants him just to use me for swing clubs so that emotionally he can still be connected to his wife.

I know there is no future for us, and there is not even anything substantive holding us together – just my love for him and his desire to go to swing clubs with a partner.

But even though I know all that, and I know he doesn’t like me as much as I like him (nor should he – I really want him to love his wife), I just can’t get enough of him. I ache for him so much. I know I can’t realistically expect to hear from him more than once every few weeks, but waiting to see him is so hard.

I even had a dream about him that he was at Onie’s club and a group of women, including me, were on one bed and another group, including “Kayla,” the older white woman who also loves Robert Hannibal, was on another bed. Robert Hannibal chose the bed Kayla was on, and I was so devastated in my dream!

I couldn’t wait any longer and emailed him on Feb. 3rd, asking if he wanted to go to the bi club he had told me about. I had a school event that night but I would gladly go all the way to Brooklyn just to see him, club or no club.

He said he had a dinner to go to so he didn’t know if he could make it. After my school event, I emailed him again to see if he would go to the club, but didn’t hear from him, so I ended up working at Onie’s club.

Work at Onie’s was slow that night as there weren’t many guys, and I didn’t get paid that much, but that was the night I met Don and India, who organize classy couples parties, so it wasn’t a total loss of a night. But when I checked my iPhone afterwards, I saw that Robert Hannibal had emailed me that he was going to the bi club after all.

I was so angry – I missed out on the chance to see him! I emailed him that he should have given me more notice, and he replied: “It was a spontaneous decision - my dinner ended later than I [thought] but early enough to allow me to spend an hour and leave by 11. I would have hated for you to get out there if it wasn't a good party and then have to go all the way back uptown.”

Of course, I could care less about the party itself. In fact, if it wasn’t a good party, that would increase my chances of having him to myself.

My life has certainly changed since meeting Robert Hannibal. Before, yes, I would have wanted there to be at least one pretty girl who was interested in getting with me in order to make the trek out there worth it. But after Robert Hannibal, swing clubs were just a pretext for me to get to see him.

But I couldn’t tell him that.

I replied on Feb. 7th, still a little angry that I had missed out on seeing him, but I asked him if we could go to a club that week. He never responded.

On Feb. 13, I emailed him about my experience working at Don and India’s classy upscale couples party, and I told him if I work there again, he and his wife should attend and we could all have a threesome. Then I told him to let me know if he goes to the bi club again.

I brought up the threesome again because I want to connect with his wife, the only woman who has a legitimate claim to Robert Hannibal. I will feel like I am not helping him cheat if his wife is involved, and maybe once we have a threesome, she will have sex with him more often. I love him so much, I really want him to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But as much as I honestly do want that for him, I want him to myself while I can have him. I was so sad that he hadn’t responded to my email.

On Feb. 17, 2011, my friend “Persia,” who I had first told about Robert Hannibal over Thanksgiving weekend when I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, visited me at my real full-time day job. I mostly talked with her about Robert Hannibal – I just love him so much and want to talk about him as much as I can, but given that he’s married and that I met him at my part-time job at an NSA swing club, there are not a lot of people I can talk to him about.

Persia, being so open-minded, does not judge my situation at all. She understands that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever loved (though she doesn’t know I was previously only attracted to women, she just thinks I’m picky). She knows Robert Hannibal is the first (and so far, only) man I’ve ever enjoyed sex with, and she knows I just want to enjoy being with him while I can.

I also told her about the contract my Mormon friend “Jane” had me sign – stipulating that I would not do anything that would keep me outside the Mormon temple after March 31, 2011. Persia said I needed to extend the contract – she said now that I finally enjoy sex with a man, I can’t give it up so soon. She is right – I will definitely extend the contract – through the summer, I think.

About an hour after she left, Robert Hannibal emailed me to ask if I could make it to the bi party in Brooklyn by 9pm that night! I was so happy to see his email! Of course I responded that I could make it, and I texted Persia to let her know. She responded: “It was written in the stars that you and I would meet today, talk about [Robert Hannibal], then he would contact you :)” – it did seem perfect that he emailed me when he did.

We met up at the subway station, and I had to restrain myself from wrapping myself around him and kissing him. I would never show my affection for him in public – if someone who knew that he’s a married man happened to see him kissing me, a woman not his wife, I would feel so terrible. But even if I couldn’t show how much I loved him in public, I just appreciated the chance to be near him, to talk with him.

Somehow we started talking about jury duty, and he told me about being called to serve on a jury for a man who was accused of molesting his daughter. He said that was hard, given that he has a daughter himself. I love Robert Hannibal - he’s such a good father!

I told him about my uncle who was falsely accused of molestation by his wife’s gay brother – the gay brother had an unrequited crush on my uncle and lied. Fortunately, the truth won out and my uncle was cleared, but it was still a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and so I told Robert Hannibal I’m sensitive about the issue.

When we got to the club, I realized it was the same club I had gone to over Thanksgiving weekend, that fateful weekend when I was waiting for an email from Robert Hannibal, still unsure if he was married or not, and wanting to find a guy to take me to couples clubs in case Robert Hannibal really was married, and also hoping to find a girl or a couple for a threesome. None of that happened, but those ugly memories of those men having me for free were dimmed when I entered the club with Robert Hannibal. Just holding his hand can cleanse me.

We got the club tour and then sat and watched the porn that was showing. I told him if tonight is a “bi” night, the porn should be girl-on-girl, and then we made the suggestion to the manager, but she said they didn’t have any. I really don’t like porn, and only like it if it is girl-on-girl.

Then we kept walking around, Robert Hannibal earnestly looking for couples or single women, me earnestly hoping not to find any. There weren’t many couples, and anyone he pointed out to me was not attractive to me. No one could compete with Robert Hannibal.

He knows my ultimate preference for a woman is an Indian woman, and there was a couple where the man was white and the woman appeared Indian. Robert Hannibal kept asking me about her, and I said she was okay, but I also said I didn’t want to get with the man.

Robert Hannibal said “women have the power” in these situations, and I don’t have to get with the woman’s man if I didn’t want to. But I still had memories from our first “date” at Trapeze where I had to have sex with the Asian woman’s boyfriend.

The couple left at some point, and Robert Hannibal said I missed my chance. I hoped Robert Hannibal would then be content to just have sex alone with me, but he kept looking around.

I never thought I would prefer to have sex alone with a man. But Robert Hannibal is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. Swinging with lots of different women, which had been my fantasy for so long, was completely unappealing to me when Robert Hannibal was next to me.

Yet I started getting worried that if I was not into swinging enough, he would find someone else to go to these places with. I was so torn between wanting him all to myself but also understanding that I could lose any opportunity to be with him at all if I was too selfish. So I pretended to look around at the relatively few other couples, but I told him none of the other women were attractive to me.

Finally, he gave up and we went to one of the couples rooms. It was an open room with large connecting beds, so any other couple could enter if they wanted, but of course I hoped they wouldn’t.

Sex with Robert Hannibal was, as always, wonderful and amazing. I feel he is making love to me. Maybe he’s not. But I am definitely making love to him. I felt an increased intimacy with him and I couldn’t stop kissing him. The bed was so large and comfortable, he said he wished he could spend the night there.

I didn’t respond, but I wished it too. I would love to be able to actually spend the night with him, to be able to wake up with him. His wife is so lucky to have that.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay the night, and we both had work in the morning, so we couldn’t stay past midnight and had to leave. Even as Robert Hannibal and I were saying good-bye and the driver was waiting to take me home, I couldn’t stop kissing Robert Hannibal.

I have never liked kissing a guy before. Although I consider kissing more intimate than sex, it is not because kissing is so passionate for me. Often, kissing is pretty neutral for me. I can kiss just like I can have sex, with it meaning nothing to me. But I prefer having sex with a man than kissing him because I don’t like my mouth to be on anything ugly. I can kiss good-looking guys and be okay with it, but I still don’t feel anything. I’ve never gotten turned on by or enjoyed kissing a man.

But with Robert Hannibal, I love kissing him. This is so new for me. As we stood outside the club, it was so hard to pull myself away from him and get in the car to go home. I love him so much.

I think of him everyday, although he has not contacted me since that night. I will have to email him soon. I am leaving for a trip to Israel with my classmates over Spring Break, and I have to see him before I go. I will beg, if need be. I love him so much I have no shame.

Dreams of My Ex-Girlfriend (written Fall 2008)

I had a few dreams that I was performing in a play I had been in in college, but this time my ex-girlfriend was in the audience. All I could think about was if she would think I did a good job and I hoped to impress her and make her want to take me back.

I had several dreams that my ex-girlfriend would appear on my campus all of a sudden and I would run up to her, so excited to see her, and she would ignore me and walk away from me. I would be so upset that she would travel so far, and end up in the same place I was, yet not want to see me.

I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend and I were driving and fighting and suddenly we got in an accident. Then I realized that there was going to be an oil tank explosion and we would all be burned. I ran away and hid somewhere and my girlfriend stayed on the road. The fire didn’t happen, or at least not before I awoke, but I woke up with such a sense of foreboding and concern for my ex-girlfriend, who I will always love. I don’t know if we survived or not.

Dream of My Child (written Fall 2008)

Dream of My Child

I’ve always wanted dark children. I’ve always been fascinated with dark skin. When I lived in Utah, there was one girl who was Native American, and I thought she was so cute.  When I stayed in a small Peruvian village as a teenager for a charity trip, I thought the children were adorable.  I loved their big brown eyes and black hair and brown skin.  I wanted to take them home with me and adopt them, but of course I couldn't take them away from their families! And of course I was just a teenager and could not provide for them.

A few years later, I had a dream that my first baby was a baby with brown skin, and the father had dark brown skin, with long thick black hair and bangs that kept getting in his eyes.  However, he was very ugly with a huge nose and he was tall and skinny. Not what I would find attractive.

The baby was also very ugly, with hair coming out of his ears and crying the whole time. But regardless of how ugly the man and the baby were, I’ve always felt this dream was a premonition, that, if I’m supposed to marry a man, and I have been brought up believing this my whole life, that the man will have brown skin and I will have brown children.

That is what I’ve always thought will let me know if a man is to be my husband – he will have brown skin. And I hope I would be sexually attracted to this man but that’s not a guarantee. So if he is to be my husband, I want to make sure that I will be a good wife and enjoy sex with him but my main goal with him would be to get pregnant. If he even exists.

Childhood Dreams – First Fantasy Woman Dream (written 2005)

Fantasy/Women Dreams

In another early dream, when I was about five or six, I had a beautiful mannequin. She had long black curly hair and a perfect woman’s body. I was staring at her longingly when she suddenly raised her arms and started twirling around and dancing.

I was so excited that she had come to life for me and would be mine, but she kept twirling and dancing away from me and left the room and went outside and twirled down the road away from me forever. I cried and cried and went to my mom and told her my mannequin had left me.

Celebrity Dreams ( written in 2005)

As a young teenager, I had one dream about James Dean, who was my idol at that time. In the dream he was a very old man, but still trying to act like a young kid, and was trying to pressure me into drinking a beer, but I didn’t. I felt like that dream showed me that what’s cool when you’re young is only pathetic in full adulthood, but I still continued to idolize him throughout my adolescence.

My idolhood for James Dean diminished over time, notably toward the end of college, but I will always have a fond place for him because he was who I wanted to be in junior high and high school. I felt a connection with him, as if we were one in the same, especially since he had several homosexual affairs and many believe he was much more attracted to men than women. 

Because I was afraid that I was only sexually attracted to women (I wasn’t even sexually attracted to James Dean!), I felt that we were two parts of the same person and could be whole if we were together. I thought he was the person I was supposed to marry (in the afterlife, of course), and for the longest time, I thought I was only supposed to get married to a man in this life if he were homosexual.

I also felt James Dean and I looked somewhat alike, both of us having very strong jaw-lines and similar body types with a large rib-cage, being short-waisted, with a large head in proportion to our bodies. I didn’t know if he had big hands and feet like I did, but he seemed to have a barrel chest, which is mostly common in men but which I (in addition to my other unfortunate masculine qualities) definitely have, and he was only a few inches taller than me. 

Our hair color was comparable as well, and although he had prettier lips than me and more prominent cheekbones, and was quite prettier than me in general, to be honest, I felt our similarities were striking. I actually felt he was more feminine and I was more masculine, so together we could be a complete person. Mostly, I identified with his portrayal of Cal Trask in “East of Eden,” for I, too, was rejected by my parents. (Granted, he was only acting, but it was so real to me that I incorporated Cal into James Dean.)

My first sexual dream occurred when I was a young teenager, and it starred my first celebrity sexual fantasy, Marilyn Monroe (not my first celebrity crush, which is Stevie Nicks, but my first sexual fantasy). Marilyn’s perfect, succulent body had fascinated me to no end, and she and James Dean were my twin idols in adolescence.

The scene in this dream was shot from overhead - on a large white bed with no sheets, some man was having sex with me, both of us lying on our sides facing each other, his arms all over me.  His face couldn’t be seen as he was turned to my neck, though I remember my face was looking away, completely bored. 

Then Marilyn Monroe entered the room and climbed onto the bed, on top of me, pushing the man away, and the man somehow disappeared.  The scene showed me smiling gratefully as I turned from my side and lay on my back in the bed, reaching out to Marilyn and pulling her tightly onto me.  The rest of the dream was just me and Marilyn Monroe together and it was wonderful.  

(During junior high and high school I was so sexually fascinated with Marilyn Monroe, but as I got into college, I became more attracted to Elizabeth Taylor, who represented true natural beauty to me while Marilyn mainly represented sexiness and artificial beauty. But like my fondness for James Dean, I will always hold a place for Marilyn, because she represented the ideal female sexual body and in my first ever sexual dream, she showed me how right it could be with another woman.)

I’ve had two dreams with Angelina Jolie, but in both cases I was only able to kiss her. I was too scared and overcome to do more, though I woke up angry both times, wishing my dream had gone further.

I’ve had several dreams about Elizabeth Taylor, but in most of them I was either just collecting dolls of her or pictures of her because I’m just so mesmerized by her beauty. In one dream, however, I was actually able to kiss her, and in this dream she was only in her late teens, not yet married, and I felt so guilty for corrupting her that I started crying and had to stop kissing her. Again, I woke up angry, wishing I had gone further. The most beautiful woman ever!

I had a dream that I was a guest at Mick Jagger’s house, and so was a beautiful blonde woman. When Mick saw me looking at her, he had sex with her in front of me, just to show me that I would never be able to get her. The whole time he was smirking at me and sneering and I was very angry and jealous when I woke up.

I had a spiritual dream about the four members of Led Zeppelin, but because it is such a sacred dream, I can’t share it with anyone (unless the surviving members of Led Zeppelin themselves want to hear it).

I had a dream that Mark Wahlberg and I were roommates, and he had heard me telling some of “our” friends that he was a bad actor and should be in jail for brutally beating up a guy in a bar fight a long time ago (gouging out the poor guy’s eye, which is horrible and makes me sick, and I really don’t know if Wahlberg was ever properly punished for that), and so he planned to kill me when I came home. I hid in my room the whole time and pretended not to be home.

Dreams of My Ex-Girlfriend (Nov. 2002)

Dreams of My Ex-Girlfriend, the Love of My Life

After my ex-girlfriend brutally broke up with me for the final time, I had a dream that she was whispering to this girl who had evil powers and was pointing to various people for the girl with evil powers to kill. The evil girl could kill by making the people catch on fire or by sending a hailstorm of swords to pierce them to death, and fortunately, in my dream, she killed them all with swords. It would have been too much for me to handle the fire. I kept trying to hide from my ex-girlfriend because I knew she would point at me next and make the evil girl kill me. And I was afraid that if she did point at me, the evil girl would kill me with fire instead of with the swords.

When I woke up, I realized that my dream was based on a particular video game my girlfriend and I had seen our friend Max play (Max is the one who was closest to both of us and was always rooting for us to be together and not to break up.  He was one of the few who knew my girlfriend and I were dating while we were dating, as most people didn’t find out until after we broke up).  I didn't like the video game because I thought it was too violent.