Frank Discussions of Sexuality in a Bedouin Shop in Jerusalem – written March 21, 2011

This Saturday morning after “Abdul” took me to breakfast, he brought me to a Bedouin shop that his brother co-managed.  His brother, “Mahmoud,” spoke nearly perfect English. Mahmoud told me Abdul had told him I was Mormon and a journalism student.  I told Mahmoud I was writing about nonviolent resistance and asked if I could talk with him about that.  He told me, “I am against fighting and against danger, except in bed.”

So I knew this wouldn’t be an ordinary interview.  Initially I tried to steer the conversation to my story topic, but he kept asking me questions, wanting to know about me, especially my being Mormon.  He told me he had worked at the BYU Jerusalem Center twelve years ago, and even dated a Mormon girl for 18 months.

He asked about my dating life, and at first I only told him about “New,” the Indian from New Jersey I met at my swing party job, as that seemed the most normal of my dating (though of course none of my dating is normal).  Somehow he deduced that I was not a typical Mormon girl and had mostly dated non-Mormons and had had sex outside of marriage.  “So you’re a bad Mormon,” he said. 

I was a little taken aback, because even though I may not follow all the commandments, I still have a very strong testimony of the Gospel and eventually I do plan on being completely faithful.  Why would I have signed a contract otherwise stating that eventually I will be fully committed to the Lord? 

However, as soon as I protested, he responded, “You break the rules, you’re a bad Mormon. It’s okay, my ex-girlfriend was a bad Mormon too, back then.”

Mahmoud calling me a “bad Mormon” released the secrets of my shadow life, and I spoke very frankly with him.  I explained that even though I believe the LDS Church is true, I don’t understand the law of chastity, so I don’t keep it, though I plan to in the future. 

I also told him that all my life I thought I was a lesbian and was only attracted to women.  I told him this is why prostitution is easy for me because I could never imagine any woman wanting to have sex with a man unless she gets paid for it.  I explained that I felt this way until I met Robert Hannibal, whom I met at my prostitution-like job, where I’m paid to have sex with the men who attend the swing party. 

I even admitted that a couple years ago I was going to marry a Filipino guy just to get him to the States and to make me seem a somewhat normal Mormon by being married, since I’m an unmarried woman and that makes me not a normal Mormon.  I told him how “Dan” and I had an agreement that if we got married, it would only be for a year, and I told Mahmoud that most of the time Dan and I did not have sex alone but rather in group settings.  Love of orgies and women – that’s all Dan and I had in common.

I told Mahmoud I never enjoyed sex alone with a man before and always wanted women there to make it enjoyable for me, and that was why I liked orgies.  I told him Robert Hannibal was the first man I ever enjoyed sex alone with, the first man I ever was attracted to, the first man I ever loved, the first man I ever made love to.

Mahmoud laughed and said that’s because I’d dated an Indian and a Filipino, and he said “they’re not real men.”  He asked if I’d ever been with an Arab, and I said I had been with Arabs and they meant nothing to me, same as with every other man.  I told him that through my job in college and my current job, in addition to my limited dating, I’ve been with hundreds of guys, that I’ve been with every single race, actually, and many different nationalities: black, white, Asian, Latin American, Iranian, Arab, Kurdish, Dominican, etc.  Though I told him I wasn’t sure if I’d been with a Pacific Islander. 

He asked what race Robert Hannibal is, and when I said he was from Jamaica, Mahmoud said that he’d heard black men are good in bed. I told him I’d been with many black men and none of them were any good; only Robert Hannibal is good.  And I don’t consider Robert Hannibal black.  Or any race.  Robert Hannibal is in his own category. 

Mahmoud asked what I like about sex with Robert Hannibal and I said I didn’t know how to explain it but I love sex with him so much.  I love him so much I want to be as close as possible to him and the closest way is through sex.  But during sex with every other guy I don’t feel anything (unless it hurts). 

He asked if I ever orgasmed with Robert Hannibal and I told him I’d never orgasmed with any guy, only with women, but with Robert Hannibal I loved being with him so much that I didn’t need to orgasm.  I feel so wonderful having sex with him.  It’s the best feeling in the world, but it’s not an orgasm, it’s something else entirely.

He asked if Robert Hannibal had gone down on me, and I said yes, a few times, but I prefer to have him inside me because we’re closer that way.  He asked how I feel when guys go down on me and I said, “again, nothing.”  He asked what about when I go down on guys and I said I have done that, but I don’t like it. 

I said, “In my job now, I don’t do anything – I don’t give hand-jobs or blow-jobs – I just have sex. I just receive, but I’ll receive any kind of sex – vaginal, oral, anal – it doesn’t matter.”

“I figured you out – you don’t want to do any work,” Mahmoud said.  “You’re lazy.”

“You’re right,” I said.  “And why should I work when I don’t need to?  I don’t need to do anything at all, and they have a good time and they cum.  So why should I do any work? I don’t need to and I don’t want to.”

He said he would take me to the King David Hotel.  “I’ll treat you like a princess.  I’ll do everything.  You just lay there.  You don’t need to do anything.”

“No. Journalists can’t do anything sexual with their sources – that’s unethical.”

“Don’t quote me in your article and I’m not a source.”

“Regardless, I’m not gonna do anything with you, or with anyone, while I’m here,” I said.  “I’m here for a school trip.  That’s all.” 

I didn’t want to tell him that I only have sex for money because I was worried he may offer payment.  I didn’t want that temptation.  Besides, even though it was clear from our first moment of conversation that he was not going to be one of my sources for my story, I still considered him a source in the general sense of helping me get acquainted with Arab life in Jerusalem.

He asked if I wanted to marry Robert Hannibal, and I told him Robert Hannibal was already married.  But I told Mahmoud I wanted to keep seeing Robert Hannibal even though I knew there was no future with him because this was my first time to like a guy, to love a guy, and I wanted to experience that.  I’d only known what it was like to be a lesbian and I wanted to experience actually loving a man. 

I said I was still mostly a lesbian because so far Robert Hannibal was the only guy I liked, but I liked him more than any of the women I’d dated, even the ones I was currently dating (as far as women, I’m really only seeing “Cinnamon” and “Desire” from my job).  I said I hoped I could love another guy sometime in the future, and I didn’t want to live a lesbian life anymore like I used to when I was younger.

He told me of his friend who was a lesbian, and she didn’t want children (he seemed to think that all lesbians wanted to be childless).  “It’s a good thing you’re not a lesbian anymore because children make everything worthwhile.  If you don’t have children, what are you?  What have you done in this life?  You’ve done nothing.  Children are everything and you could be the richest and most powerful leader in the world but if you have no children, you are nothing.” 

“I completely agree,” and I tried to explain that even when I was living primarily a lesbian life and not seeing any men, I still wanted children in my future, but he kept going on.  He was saying how he felt sorry for his lesbian friend and he was glad I was realizing how important it was to have kids before it was too late.  “Children are your only legacy,” he said. “You are nothing without them.  Life has no meaning without them.”

I loved seeing how passionate Mahmoud became discussing children. I didn’t ask if he had any.  Come to think of it, I didn’t even ask if he was married.  I didn’t even ask Abdul if he was married, though I don’t think so, since he took a photo of me and him together on his phone, and if he was married, his wife would likely see the photo (the photo was simply me and Abdul standing next to each other, but still, if he was married, I’m sure his wife wouldn’t like it, so I’m certain he’s not married). 

We also discussed religion and politics in his beautiful shop. Religion, politics, and sexuality are my three favorite topics to discuss, but they can also be the most divisive.  So I love meeting people who can discuss these subjects with me, and I really enjoyed talking with Mahmoud. 

He introduced me to one of his business partners or co-workers, who asked if I was “a believer.”  I said yes, and he smiled.  I love the connection that believers have.  We may have different ideas of God and the purpose of this life, etc. but the fact that we believe in God provides an immediate bond. 

(I remembered how the night before, when I met Abdul, I met another Muslim shopkeeper also on Salaheddin Street who spoke very good English.  We talked about God and when I told him I was Mormon, he told me about the BYU Jerusalem Center and he said he was impressed with how nice the students there were.  We had a great little conversation – I love talking about religion and spirituality with people.  And then I met Abdul, but I wish I would have gotten the other shopkeeper’s contact information.  He told me he sells pictures near the Garden Tomb, but I didn’t have a chance to see him again before our class left Israel.)

I took pictures of Mahmoud’s beautiful shop inside and outside – my horrible photography skills were helped by the beautiful antiques and fabrics in the shop and the effect nightfall had on the shop outside.  I met more of Mahmoud’s co-workers and spoke a little with them, and despite the language barriers, everyone was just so kind to me. 

Mahmoud took me driving a little bit to see the city and we passed by the King David Hotel a few times – each time Mahmoud said, “Do you want to be a princess? You don’t have to do anything at all.”  Each time I said no. 

What men don’t understand is I get no pleasure out of having things done to me if I am not attracted to the person doing them to me – man or woman (though women do have a better touch).  If I’m not attracted, there’s absolutely nothing that can be done to me to give me pleasure.  Therefore, it is a waste of my time - even if I am just laying there - unless I am being paid. 

But I didn’t want to keep reminding him that I’m a lesbian except for Robert Hannibal.  So each time he made the suggestion, I just said “No.”  He’s very nice and fun to talk with, but also persistent. But I’m glad I met him.

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

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(1/13/2011) - Part4 – The Contract - Remember Lot’s Wife

Because I realized I was in love with Robert Hannibal but also that there was no future with him, I felt a mass of friction inside me. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, but I didn’t want to take him away from his wife and kids. Though if he was feeling restless and needing sexual adventure, and would be away from his family anyway, then I wanted to be the one he would be with. I would put up with partner swaps. I would put up with whatever he wanted in his sexual restlessness, just so I could be with him.

Yet as I said earlier, in August when I first began my quest to have more women and to experience swinging, it was done with the idea that this would be my last time engaging in sexual transgression. I really do believe in the Mormon Church, and I do want to be a fully committed Mormon, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any regrets. I didn’t want to look back – “Remember Lot’s wife.”

Also, I had only been attracted to women and had only loved women, and thought that I was a lesbian inside. When I first went to the temple, it was before I had ever really dated a girl or done anything other than French kiss a girl (which happened when I was 11). At my hostess dancing job my last semester in college, some of the other girls would flirt a bit and play around a bit, but I never really had anything substantial with any of them. So when I went to the temple the first time, I had repented of my hostess dancing work with men and was completely woman-less, but made the temple covenants to be completely chaste and only have any kind of sexual relations within the bonds of marriage.

However, the night after I went through the temple to make these covenants, and after my family had left, I came home and cried. I still had feelings for women and they seemed stronger than ever. I tore my garments off, and that’s a huge thing because garments are very sacred - they symbolize the covenants we make in the temple. We are supposed to treat garments, and our temple covenants, very reverently.

But I was so mad. I cursed at G-d and yelled at him and said it wasn’t fair that I had never gotten to be with a woman and now here I had made these covenants and I couldn’t break them. I was so upset that I would never get to really be with a woman. I cried and swore all night, with my garments on the floor.

But the next morning, I wore my garments, and for the next eight months I lived a temple-worthy life. But after eight months, “Dee” and I had our first night together, and thus I broke my temple covenants. That was not quite a decade ago, and I have never been temple-worthy since.

Now, with this new decision to be a fully committed Mormon, I would go back to the temple and be temple-worthy , but I didn’t want to have another night like I did my first night after going through the temple. This time I wanted to be fully prepared and know that I have done everything sexual I could possibly do so that I would have no regrets. I decided that when I went back to the temple again, I wanted to be completely and full committed. I didn’t want to ever break temple covenants again once I made them.

As every temple-worthy Mormon is supposed to aim for temple marriage, I knew that’s what I needed to aim for and really desire. I’ve never been able to picture myself married to a man, but I’ve always known it’s the right thing to do. And I’ve always wanted to be a mother – more than anything else.

With my advancing age, I knew that time to be a mother is running out, and I also knew that being a single mother would not be the best situation for my kids. I should marry a man I could marry in the temple, and raise children with, in the Mormon church. That would be my new life – complete, and no looking back.

I thus wanted to have experience with enough women so that I could forget about women once I was married, and I wanted to have sex with enough men so that at least one of them could get me to orgasm. If that happened, I reasoned I would see men as sexual beings and wouldn’t be so disgusted with them. Then I could really be married to a man in the temple and have a decent sex life with him.

I didn’t want to spend more than a year living this “shadow life,” and I had decided that April 1, 2011, would be a good time to start living a temple-worthy life. It takes a year of living temple-worthy after one has had sexual relations outside of marriage, which meant I could go back to the temple in April 2012. I chose this date because one of my good Mormon friends, “Jane”, wants me to be her Maid of Honor or bridesmaid if she marries a certain guy and it wouldn’t be the same if I can’t go in the temple. Also, the Mormon Church has General Conference in April, which is always a good time to be starting anew.

I knew that giving up my job at Onie’s club would not be hard, other than missing out on getting such easy money. I really do like the easy money. But I know G-d sees my job as wrong, even though I have never understood why. Prostitution has always made sense to me. But to be honest, I wouldn’t really miss the work itself, even the orgy situations. They are old news to me. And none of the women I've been with here in NYC  have had a huge effect on me.

So the only thing I would miss would be sex with Robert Hannibal. I would miss it so much!

“Jane,” my Mormon friend who wants me to be her Maid of Honor, is very understanding of those who vary from the traditional Mormon culture, and she’s also very picky when it comes to men. She does not fall in love easily, so I told her about Robert Hannibal and how he is the first man I’ve ever been in love with. I didn’t tell her this is because I always only loved girls before and thought I was a lesbian – I do not like telling my female friends about my same-sex attraction - but I just told her I don’t fall in love easily, and since she doesn’t either, she could related to me.

As she asked me more questions about Robert Hannibal, I had to admit that he was married, but I explained that he and his wife are swingers. (Robert Hannibal never told me that his wife condones his gallivanting about, but he also never told me explicitly that she even knows about it, so I prefer to think of it as tacit understanding – I don’t want to think that I am contributing to cheating, although I certainly have in many, many other situations, but with Robert Hannibal I just love him so much and I don’t want to ruin his marriage, and I don’t want to think of him as an adulterer, and I can rationalize that it’s not cheating if the wife knows).

Jane thought that was so strange to be in love with a married man, and a swinger at that, but I told her I fell in love with him before I knew he was married.

I told her this wouldn’t last forever, and probably only a few months, but I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be with a man that I actually love! It’s never happened before! I told her I planned on ending it April 1, 2011, and she promptly got out a piece of paper and wrote a contract.

Jane does not approve of any kind of sex outside marriage, so of course I didn’t tell her about my job at Onie’s. I was a little worried the contract would be too specific, like only referring to Robert Hannibal and not my job at Onie’s or my desire for women, but, fortunately, she wrote the contract to be as broad as possible.

Dated January 2, 2011, the contract states: “I, [Polly Yobek], will not purposely do anything that could keep me outside of the temple after March 31, 2011.” Then she had me sign it, and she signed it as a “Witness.”

So that is the contract. Like I said, I will not miss anything other than sex with Robert Hannibal. Not even being with women, which is amazing in itself.

I know G-d can’t condone any kind of sin, I understand that, but I also think He knows us so well, since He is our Father, and He knows everything we will do. He knew I would want to get all this out of my system before going back to the temple, and He knew I would accidentally go to Onie’s club the first time, thinking it was a lesbian night, and He knows how greedy I am with money so He knew I would take the job there.

And Robert Hannibal had been attending Onie’s club often prior to my starting work there, so G-d knew I would meet Robert Hannibal my first night. And G-d knew I would be attracted to Robert Hannibal. He knew I would fall in love with Robert Hannibal, which I have. G-d knew that my love for Robert Hannibal would overtake my love for women, which it has.

Robert Hannibal and Dee, my first real girlfriend, are the two people I have loved more than anyone else. If I can love a man as much as I can love Dee, which is how much I love Robert Hannibal, then I can love a man! I can be married to a man!

So even if G-d cannot condone my being a prostitute and adulterer and swinger, He will be happy when I’m actually married in the temple to a man I love. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that it can happen. Out of billions of men in the world, it only takes two for me to love – 1. Robert Hannibal, just so that I know it’s possible for me and that I’m not totally a lesbian, and 2. One for me to marry.

Part 3 – Dates (3b – Second Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

Robert Hannibal emailed me the Monday after our date, late at night, which was a warning sign he was married, but I chose to believe that he was simply too busy to email any earlier. And I wanted to believe that his email address really was the one he used for friends and family; I rationalized this because I have a few friends who have email addresses that don’t include their real names.

Because I thought about Robert Hannibal all the time, any mention of anything having to do with anything that reminded me of him struck my ears. One of my roommates is from Trinidad, and he always talks with me about economics, etc. He was telling me about Michael Manley, who had been a leader of Jamaica, and my roommate said Manley was one of his idols and was so good for the Jamaican economy. And one of my classmates is writing a story on Jamaican dancehall queens, and so I offered to help her if I could, and find out information about it.

So in response to Robert Hannibal’s four-sentence email to me, I replied with a six-paragraph essay asking him about Michael Manley, Jamaican dancehall queens, etc. I just wanted to converse with him. I thought of how I would often roll my eyes at my friends who would find out any topic of conversation they thought would interest a guy they had a crush on and then bombard him, and now here I was doing the same thing! But I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to be with Robert Hannibal again, even if it was only via email. And I also mentioned I had fun at the club and wanted to go again.

He responded: “Sure, would love to check out some more events. I usually see my kids on weekends so I'm typically not available Fridays and Saturdays. I'm happy to alert you to weekend events if you can find a partner. That beig said, there is stuff happening during the week as as well. If you're interested in checking out a Brooklyn club tonight, I'll be free around 10:30.”

In a second email, he commented on Michael Manly and dancehall culture (not his thing) and I just fell in love with him even more for some reason reading that email. But it was his first email that cautioned me, referring to his kids. However, since he said he usually saw his kids on the weekends, I had hope. I thought he might be divorced, and that the weekend arrangement was with his ex-wife. I recalled the recently-divorced Filipino guy whom I had met at Onie’s club, who saw his son every other day. I also thought of “Dan,” the Filipino who I had group sex with and that was the only thing I liked about him, other than his kids. He and his ex-wife had a flexible arrangement with the kids. So it was possible Robert Hannibal was divorced or separated.

But I didn’t want to get my hopes too much. So I responded that I was definitely interested in the Brooklyn club, since they had ‘bi’ nights, and I told him I understood about weekends not working out for him. I mentioned that the only person who could be a partner for me to go to swing clubs with would be “PR,” the promoter for Onie’s club (PR is always saying he wants to go to swing clubs or parties with me, even though he has a wife and a girlfriend). But I added in my email that PR “has the same reasons as you why he can't do weekends, because of his kids and his wife.”

Robert Hannibal didn’t respond to that last bit, only to the club part, saying that he had the day wrong and the “bi” night was actually the next night. Since he didn’t address the “kids and his wife” part of my email, I wondered if he really was married and was acknowledging that by not correcting me. But I hoped that he was divorced, or at least separated. He had to be if he only saw his kids on the weekend – if he were still married, he would see his kids everyday. That comforted me.

Then Robert Hannibal sent me another email that day about trying a different swing club that night, called Carousel. When I arrived at Carousel, Robert Hannibal was waiting, and I realized this was the same club where I had gone the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, the couples-only event where the Asian woman and her man had flirted with me and I didn’t do anything.

But because it was a Wednesday, a weeknight, and there wasn’t a specific party going on, the club was much less-crowded than it had been the night I went. There were absolutely no women I was interested in, let alone any men, but Robert Hannibal had us watch an older couple, probably in their late 50’s, on the bed in one of the rooms. He touched the woman and I couldn’t understand what he saw attractive in her, although for an older woman she was nice-looking. When the couple finished, they told us it was their first time at a swing club, and I said, “Congratulations!” But I hadn’t touched either one of them.

Then the couple left and Robert Hannibal and I were alone and had wonderful, amazing sex. I don’t know why he is so good and how sex with him affects me so much when sex with any other men doesn’t affect me at all. At ALL! I don’t come close to orgasm with Robert Hannibal, or any man, of course, but I just love, love being with him and only him.

Now, although I didn’t come close to orgasm with him, for me to actually be present while having sex with a man and to actually *like* it and not just tolerate it or hope he cums soon is a completely new experience. I can’t explain it. But from the very first time we had sex, and every single time since, I am present in the experience. I am with him. And I love it.

Then we got up to get a drink. At this club, they don’t have robes or towels, so we were walking around totally naked. As I stood on one side of the bar and he on the other, he just stared at me, and so I said, “What?” And he said, “I’m just looking at your breasts.” Normally, a statement like that would be so creepy and rude, but from him, it sounded thoughtful and contemplative.

He also said he would take me somewhere I would really like, and I asked him where. He said he wouldn’t tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise. I hoped it was the “One Leg Up” parties. I was so intrigued by what he had told me about those parties – the elegant atmosphere, sometimes on a yacht!
After getting a drink, he took me on the dancefloor. We were the only ones on the floor and we just started dancing very close with our arms around each other, both of us still naked, and I could feel him getting hard again. Then he ran with me, grabbing my hand, to one of the secluded couch areas and we had sex again. Again, it was amazing. I didn’t think I would ever get tired of sex with Robert Hannibal. How can he be so different from any other guy?

Then we hung out some more, and ended up having sex one more time. Still, I was not bored with him. I loved being with him each and every time. And all the time in between. Sex with him three times in one night, just the two of us. That was perfect for me.

At the end of the night, a cute black girl as part of a couple arrived at Carousel and she touched my breasts. It was late so Robert Hannibal and I had to leave and I didn’t mind missing out on more of the touch of a woman.

Once again, he put me in a cab and sent me on my way, and I eagerly awaited when I would see him next.

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2e – shadow life

After the Friday night swing club fiasco, I was so annoyed. The next day was Saturday, and still no email from Robert Hannibal. I was so sad, but decided to go to another club that night, one that was for couples-only and single women. I didn’t want to go back to the same club I had gone to on Friday because the memory of letting all those men have me for free was still in my mind.

Regardless, I was determined to check out another club because the weekend was Thanksgiving weekend, and so a lot of my friends were out of town, and thus my “real life” could give way more easily to my “shadow life.”

I call my desire to “swing” and be with women, and my job at Onie’s club all part of my “shadow life.” I like my “shadow life” to operate in the off-hours, so as not to interfere with my real life.  Usually my weekends are pretty busy because  I like to hang out with friends from church and from school.

I don’t like to miss any parties or activities my friends are doing because 1) I love my friends and I love being with them and 2) I want to keep my real and normal life as vibrant as possible so as to give no indication that I even have a shadow life.

The club I went to on Saturday was a much better crowd than the club I went to on Friday. Everyone was young and good-looking, and they were almost all couples. A few groups of single women were there, but it was mostly young, good-looking couples. And no single men!

A sexy Asian girl, whose partner was a nice-looking man, flirted with me, but I was too worried about appearing as an obvious lesbian. I really wanted Robert Hannibal there with me. Even though the girl was the one flirting with me, I felt that it was too apparent that my primary interest was girls because I was there by myself.

If Robert Hannibal was with me, or any guy, then it could seem like I was just there because my partner wanted me to be there, or this was just something we did on the side, not an integral part of my life.

So I left. Two disappointed nights in one Thanksgiving weekend. Finally, Sunday afternoon, I emailed Robert Hannibal and asked when he would send me the links. Sunday late night, after midnight, he emailed me back with the links.

Then Monday morning, he said if I was free Friday night “and so inclined,” he would see if there were any parties going on or he would schedule a tantric massage for us.

I was so happy! At this point, I decided he must not be married after all. Perhaps divorced, even separated, but not married. How could he have the freedom to go out on a Friday night if he was married?

That was the best email I had ever received and I emailed him soon after to tell him that Friday sounded fun. I had the best week ever because I was anticipating seeing Robert Hannibal again and I had fantasies of marrying him – I had never felt this for any man before in my life.