Trying to Like Men in the Past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)

In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to "try to like" a guy.   

In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I'm a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I've ever been attracted to.  My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was "trying to like," before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!  

This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011: 

no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn't try to set me up with them.

as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn't attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you're not attracted? that's how it was with him. 

but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy. 

plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn't believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry. 

and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it's so weird when i say that but that's what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk. 

but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn't there - that he wasn't interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn't attracted to him, but i didn't expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.

but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it's hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.

In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008. This was right after I had been seeing "Dan," the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends.  I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children.  And I want to be a mother more than anything. 

So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.  

One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email.  I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that.  I've always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen. 

Besides, now that i know what it's like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can't just marry anyone.  I want to love who I marry. 

My Response to "In Defense of Cynthia Nixon"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-baim/cynthia-nixon-choice_b_1224241.html

i agree with this. cynthia nixon has a right to express her own feelings. i went through the opposite situation - i only was attracted to women, but then i fell in love with a man.

My Response to: Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (Shashauna P. Thomas)

Beyond Romance: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality

I love this post by Shashauna P. Thomas! I definitely agree with the human sexuality spectrum. Although most of my life I have been one of the few people in the far-flung homosexuality end of the spectrum, I have fallen in love with a man so hard, and when I'm with him, I have no desire for women at all.

The polyamorous and monogamous spectrum I also think is very fluid. I used to only be able to imagine marriage in polygamous or polyamorous forms. Now I think it can be most fulfilling in a monogamous form, but there are times I think occasional polyamory might need to creep in as well.

Sexuality and positions, whether dominant or submissive, as well as relationship ideals, whether polyamorous or monogamous, are definitely fluid. So much depends on where we are in life, who we are loving.

However, I worry that this very common-sense approach of human sexuality as fluid will be repressed by those who want to press for LGBT rights. Having been in the LGBT camp, I know it is important to stress the "born that way" idea.

Yet i think the "born that way" idea still applies, but to a much lesser degree. Human sexuality is indeed a spectrum, but some of us start on the spectrum, as pointed out in this excellent post, near the ends, not clustered in the middle with the majority. Our spectrum may not be as wide or fluid as often, but we definitely have fluidity, we definitely have a spectrum. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Thanks again to Shashauna P. Thomas for sharing!

Talking of Robert Hannibal with my Mormon friends - March 1, 2011

It seems to be my lot in life that whenever I am in love with someone, I am never able to share this with people openly. In the past, this was because I only loved woman, and I could only trust very few close friends.

The irony is that now that I finally like someone who is male, I can’t talk openly about him either, given that he’s married. But I want to talk about him all the time! I have talked about him with my open-minded friend “Persia,” my open-minded Mormon friend “Jane,” who wrote the contract which I signed, my gay friend “Gay” from school, my friend from school and work (my schoolmate and workmate), “Mate.”

I have shared more sanitary and softer versions of Robert Hannibal with some of my Mormon church friends, notably my good friend “Friend” who talks to me often about his dates with girls.

Before my sixth “date” with Robert Hannibal, one of my Mormon friends, “Shila,” had a dinner party and after most people left, she and another friend, “Betsy,” and I remained. We are all old maids, in the real world but especially in the Mormon world, though they are both slightly older than I am.

As the three of us were sitting in Shila’s living room, the conversation turned to men, and Shila and Betsy asked if I was dating anyone.

Most people know my preference for brown skin, but few know that my preference is, or was, actually for women. Certainly none of my church friends here in New York, other than two of my gay Mormon guy friends.

But I was so happy that now I could legitimately talk about being in love with a man. I loved being able to tell them I was in love with Robert Hannibal. Deeply, truly in love. The first man I’ve ever loved or been attracted to. But there is no future with him.

They couldn’t understand why there would be no future. “Introduce him to the church!” they said. “Convert him!” I couldn’t tell them he was married, so I explained that he was not into monogamy, that he was into polyamory.

Both were surprised that I would like someone like that, let alone that I was even having sex, as they think of me as an active Mormon. I explained that although I am active in the sense that I go to church every week and try to go to all the activities, I’m not worthy to go to the temple or even take the Sacrament.

I told them this isn’t my first time having sex, but I never enjoyed sex with men before, and I told them that I used to be completely inactive, where I didn’t even go to church. There was obviously no need to get into my previously-exclusive attraction to women

Shila was a little worried for my sake. She was concerned about my breaking the law of chastity by having sex, and even worse having sex with someone who I wasn’t even in a committed relationship with. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone who wasn’t monogamous.

I explained that Robert Hannibal is a good person, but his lifestyle choices are different. Betsy chimed in that she understood what I was saying, and she tried to explain it to Shila.

Both Shila and Betsy are virgins, and the idea of sex outside of marriage as being such a grave sin is so ingrained in their psyche. Betsy is a little more worldly and understanding, since she is an aspiring singer and interacts with non-Mormons all the time, so she was able to help Shila understand that good people break the law of chastity and non-Mormons should not be held to the same standard as Mormons regarding sexual purity.

I told them that although I know the Lord can’t approve of what I’m doing with Robert Hannibal, and I do plan on stopping all of this and being a fully committed temple-worthy Mormon, I am not ready to yet. I want to enjoy loving a man for the first time in my life.

Now, Shila, who hosted the dinner party, often tells me how nervous she gets around guys she has crushes on. Previously, I would always say the same thing to her that I say to all my female friends:

“We women are so much better than men, there is no reason to get nervous around them. We are so much more beautiful than they are, we are smarter, kinder, more empathetic, and sexier. Men are lucky just to be around us, and even luckier when they get to have us. We should never try to make ourselves be something we aren’t just to please a man.”

I had always believed this and would get so frustrated with my friends when they would obsess over a guy. But I realized I am now similarly obsessed.

I acknowledged to Shila and Betsy that I am embarrassed because when Robert Hannibal calls me last-minute to go somewhere (of course I didn’t tell them it’s usually to a swing club), I will immediately cancel whatever plans I may have just to be with him. I told them that I never understood how women could act like this towards men before, but now I completely understand.

I explained that this experience with Robert Hannibal helps me have more empathy towards my friends, Shila and Betsy included, because now I know what it’s like to be so in love with a guy that I will do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, just to please him, just to not lose him. And of course my case is even worse than any of my friends’ since I know there is no possibility of a future with Robert Hannibal.

I told them I know how pathetic I am – anxiously awaiting any text or email from him, thinking of him all the time even though I know he thinks of me rarely, if at all. I was quite ashamed to admit that he only thinks of me when he wants sex, and they were sympathetic to my plight.

(But I couldn’t even tell them the whole story. Yes, he thinks of me only when he wants sex, but it’s not sex alone with me that he wants. He wants sex with me only in a group setting. He wants sex with other women. I am just the means for him to be able to have swinger sex.

The sad thing is I don’t care. If that is the only way I get to have sex with him, then so be it. As long as I can have sex with him, it doesn’t matter what else happens. )

At the end, Shila and Betsy hugged me and wished me the best. They are good friends and care about me. And I’m just so glad I got to talk about Robert Hannibal. I love talking about him.

After that dinner party and almost a week after Robert Hannibal’s sixth “date” with me, one of my open-minded Mormon friends from Los Angeles, “Bondi,” visited NYC because the father she nannies for was getting married.

Bondi knew I only loved women, for I had told her about my relationship with “Dee” after Dee broke up with me, nearly ten years ago. That was a devastating, near-suicidal period for me. Bondi never judged my love for women, nor the prostitute-like work I’ve done (and still do), nor the adulterous situations I’ve had.

Now I was so happy to be able to inform Bondi that finally, for the first time in my creeping-on-middle-age life, I am attracted to a man. I love a man.

Yes, the man is married. Yes, I met him at my NSA sex swing party job. Yes, he doesn’t love me back the way I love him. But I love him. He’s a man. And that’s a first.

I told her how Robert Hannibal affects me in every way, how when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with any women, how I actually love having sex with a man for the first time in my life, how I think of him so much everyday.

Bondi was surprised that I don’t consider myself lesbian anymore. But she was glad to hear that knowing that I can actually love a man gives me hope that there is another man out there who I can fall in love with and marry.

I told her I thought I would probably marry a non-Mormon or someone who converted to the LDS church, because, given my lesbian and prostitute and adulterous and swinger past, no Mormon guy would want to marry me.

Nor did I think I could marry a Mormon guy who was a virgin. Not after being with Robert Hannibal, the best lover in the world.

Bondi is very understanding. She dated a non-Mormon guy before and is not a virgin, and she is also my same advancing-on-old age. She knows how hard it is to find single men our age in general, especially in the Mormon world, and she doesn’t judge me for my “relationship” with Robert Hannibal. I told her of my contract, but also that I will extend it. I want to enjoy my time with Robert Hannibal as long as I can.

I’m just so glad I have understanding friends with whom I can share my very weird “love” life.

Part 6 – Not a Lesbian Anymore(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

After my two times meeting Robert Hannibal at Onie's club, and then my four subsequent dates with him, I now knew for sure that I wasn’t a lesbian.

All my life I have only found women attractive and could never see what women saw in men other than the ability to raise social status. Yet I always knew that the best fit for society to function was not two women together or two men together or even one man and many women or vice versa.

(For much of my life, in fact, I had even held out the hope that plural marriage would come back to the Mormon church somehow, and then I could have a sanctioned marriage but still get to have sex with women, with my sister-wives. But realistically, I knew that would never happen. Our church really believes in one man/one woman marriage).

I wondered when, how, I would find a man I would want to marry, and now I have finally found a man I would absolutely love to marry! But he’s already married.

But how I love him! And how he makes me forget about women! I always wanted a husband who could do that for me. There has to be another one – Robert Hannibal can’t be the only man who can do that for me – that would be too cruel!

Now I realize that I cannot call myself a lesbian because now I know what it's like to like a guy. So no matter what, my view of homosexuality has changed. I had always believed in the possibility of change, that what I and others deal with are tendencies, and when we act on these tendencies, they grow, of course. But if we don't feed those tendencies, they can shrink, and we can grow other tendencies. And now I have proof that it's true.

So I'm telling you all this to say that I understand that everything I did that led me to Robert Hannibal - working at a club where I am paid to have sex with multiple men and where my only enjoyment is when I am with the other girls at the club - are all sins.

And even seeing Robert Hannibal in a swing setting is a sin, and just having sex with him outside of marriage is a sin, and the fact that he is married makes it even more of a sin, but I don't regret any of it. I have never known what it's like to really like a guy - I didn't know it was possible for me to actually like a guy. And I definitely never thought it was possible for me to actually like having sex with a guy!

So if it took me doing all these sinful things in order for me to realize that I actually *can* like a guy, then I think Heavenly Father can understand. I'm not saying He would ever condone sin - He couldn't, or He would cease to be G-d. But I think He knows what's going to happen and what decisions we are going to make and that, yes, I would make these decisions but these decisions would enable me to realize that I am capable of really, really, really liking a man. Of loving a man.

Because I really, really, really like Robert Hannibal. I love him so much. I think of him all the time. And this gives me hope to actually marry a man I could like and that my sexual life with him could be fulfilling. I was always afraid that if I got married to a man I would always miss women and would never be able to really connect with my husband sexually.

But after being with Robert Hannibal, and actually liking being alone with him and actually preferring to be alone with him, I know it's possible.

So that is my story. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that there is another guy out there who can fulfill me the same way - sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. There only needs to be one other guy. As long as the other guy isn't married, that is, so I can marry him!

Then I can finally be a normal Mormon woman and have a normal, temple marriage.

Part 5 – The First Threesome I Didn’t Want(1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

A few days after Christmas, on Dec. 29, Robert Hannibal texted me and said he hoped my Christmas was good and then he said, “2 weeks until tantra!” I was so glad he had thought of me over Christmas break. Of course I had thought of him constantly, but I couldn’t expect the same level of attention from him, a married father. I was excited about the tantra club, but more excited about seeing him.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a about a week and a half, so on Jan. 11 I emailed him to ask him when the tantra club would open, and he said he hadn’t gotten any confirmation that it was happening, but he would check again.

Then he sent me another email: “If you're up for it, we could do a sensual massage session this evening. There is lovely lady who will do a 90 min couples session.” And he said it would be a 15-minute bus ride but of course I would go any distance to see him. I told him I had never had a sensual massage before in a couples situation before.

The woman was attractive, probably in her late 40’s, and said she preferred giving sensual massages to couples rather than single men. I felt guilty because we weren’t a real couple and she asked if we were married or boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no, and Robert Hannibal said we were “sexual adventurers.”

She still took this to mean we were a couple of sorts, but I knew what Robert Hannibal meant. I am simply his partner in seeking sexual adventure. Yet could I ask to be anything more than that, knowing that he’s married? I should just be glad I get to be with him.

The masseuse said she wouldn’t engage in sex herself, but of course Robert Hannibal and I were free to do so. We laid down on the bed, facedown and naked, while she was on top of us. The massage was nice and sensual and she had a very nice touch. Robert Hannibal saw me smile at something she did, and he made some comment, like, “someone’s happy.” She played more with me than with him, and it was fun.

Robert Hannibal went down on me and then asked the masseuse if he could lick her as well, and I was glad when she said no. But she stimulated Robert Hannibal and then he and I had sex. The masseuse was involved and it was a nice threesome, but she was more involved with me than with him. I was glad. If she had been more involved with him than with me, I would have been jealous, but for the first time I would have been jealous of the woman and not the man.

But I did find myself getting jealous of her that he was touching her while he was having sex with me. I realized that I would have preferred to have been alone with Robert Hannibal! That is something I never thought I would ever wish, to be alone with a man instead of having a woman there! But I wished the other woman wasn't there and that it was just me and Robert Hannibal.

Afterwards, she said we could shower and I thought Robert Hannibal would shower with me, but he spent the entire time I was in the shower talking with the masseuse. This made me so upset. I was so jealous. I couldn’t believe how upset I was. I guess there is no way I can deny that I really like him. I still can’t quite believe it. But I really do. I really love him.

When we left her apartment, I was still so mad and I can’t hide how I feel so I just told the masseuse “bye” but I couldn’t say “thank you.” Although she had a great touch and had enabled Robert Hannibal and me to have another amazing sexual experience, I couldn’t thank her because at the end he was with her instead of with me.

When we were on the bus back to the city, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was expecting a real massage for muscle tension with a sensual flare added. I told him I had had real massages that were also sensual, given either by another woman or by a man, and I thought that’s what she was going to do – give a real massage to get knots out but also make it sensual.

He told me most people who are trained as massage therapists might not do the sensual part as well, but I told him I had had it in individual situations. I also told him I wasn’t attracted to her – I wanted someone more feminine. Not that the woman was unfeminine. I was just unhappy because Robert Hannibal had not showered with me but had talked to the woman instead.

But how could I tell him that? I had no claim on him. He was another woman’s husband. I was just his “sexual adventure” partner. And I realized if I kept up a bad attitude, he wouldn’t even want to share any more sexual adventures with me. So I changed the subject and talked about bright, cheerful subjects. I was so happy when he said he might be able to go to another swing club on Saturday night with me, but he wasn’t sure. I was so happy at the prospect of possibly seeing him again so soon!

He told me about another elegant swing party, similar to the “One Leg Up” parties, but this party was called “Do you know George.” He said that he and his wife were actually going to go to this party for New Year’s Eve, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought of how lucky his wife was, to have the opportunity to get to go to these fancy swing parties and see beautiful women but get to go home with the best lover in the world.

I wondered why his wife didn’t want to go to those parties anymore, but I didn’t ask him. I could understand if she just wanted Robert Hannibal to herself – who wouldn’t? But I gathered that she and he were not as intimate as they once were, though I didn’t ask him that either. Sometimes I want to know everything about his wife, who I think is the luckiest woman in the world, and sometimes I don’t want to know anything about her.

When we were at the subway station, I told him to let me know about this Saturday, and he said he would see, but he had to live his “regular life too.” I told him about my deadline, that I had to get all this done by April 1st, and that I called all of this my “shadow life.” He laughed, and I told him that since I'm on limited time, I’m willing to have my “shadow life” dig into my “real life” a little. But really, I just wanted more time with him, but didn’t say so. I just told him I really wanted to go to a “One Leg Up” party before my deadline. Then we parted ways.

The whole subway ride home I thought about Robert Hannibal and how being in the very situation I had been searching for back in August 2010, namely a sensual threesome, had happened that night and I didn’t want it. I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. It was amazing that a man could make me not want to be with another woman.

A woman right next to me, kissing me, touching me, and I didn’t want it. I only wanted Robert Hannibal!

Part 3 – Dates (3c – Third Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

The Sunday after our Wednesday date, I emailed him and said I had fun and asked him if he wanted to go to any clubs this week. He said there was “better out there,” and mentioned a place called “Checkmates.” And he sent me a link to a Jamaican dancehall video in reference to my classmate’s project.

On Tuesday he emailed and said he may stop by Onie’s, the club where I work and where we met. I had a school event that night so was not able to work that night, but I emailed him this: “But let me know if you decide to go and I'll go just when you are there and I won't get paid.”

Then at 9:30, he said he would just go home instead, but at 10pm he emailed again and said he changed his mind and was going to Onie’s. I was kind of upset – I had basically told him straight up that I would go in to work only to see him, and not even get paid for it, and I felt he should have given me more notice. It would take me half an hour to get to Onie’s from school, which means I wouldn’t get there until 10:30pm, and the club closed at 11pm. I was kind of embarrassed to show up at my place of work just to be with Robert Hannibal, so I didn’t go at all.

He emailed me the next day and said Onie’s “was so ghetto. I'm over it; would have been a waste for you. How about this tonight?” and included a link to a tantra club. I was so excited, but we discovered that the tantra place was closed until after the new year.

We exchanged a few more emails throughout the week. Then, on Dec. 21st, I emailed him to see if he was going to Onie’s, and he replied: “No, the last time I went was really disappointing. The quality of the crowd has really deteriorated. I spent most my time talking to [Bartender].
I'd much prefer to hang out with you separately and explore different more mutually appealing scenes..
I'm curious - what does [Onie] usually give you? I can help offset that.”
I was so happy at this email. I told him I would prefer that too (of course I would!) and told him how much I usually get paid at Onie’s. He responded: “Sounds good. I'm limited through year end but don't mind treating a hard working student.”

Then he made a date for us to go back to Carousel the next night, another Wednesday. I was so happy. I would get paid just to be with the most amazing man in the world! (In my hostess dancing job that I had my last semester of college, when I would go out on dates with my customers, whether to a hotel or just a restaurant, I always got paid. But with this new job at Onie’s, I had only gone out with the shy divorced Filipino, and didn’t get paid. A week after this date with Robert Hannibal, I did go home with one of the customers at Onie’s, and did spend the night and get paid, but before this date with Robert Hannibal, I had not done so. And I hadn’t gotten paid for any of my dates with Robert Hannibal, but I didn’t need to. I just loved being with him so much. But now, if he wanted to pay me to be with him, that would make it even better! Getting paid to have the most amazing sex with the most wonderful man in the whole world! )

As we were emailing back and forth I told him he would have to text me because my iPhone was stolen. Then he sent me an email saying he was sorry to hear that, and another email a few hours later saying that he had misplaced my number. I was so sad at that point. If he really cared about me and was not married, he would not have misplaced my number. If he was married, then it didn’t matter if he cared about me or not, but it would certainly make sense that he would have lost my number.

But I was too excited to see him again to worry about that. There were even fewer people there at Carousel that night, probably because it was the Wednesday right before Christmas. We walked around for a bit and upon seeing not many people there, and no couples really, we went in the room with the large bed and closed the door.

I will always remember that night. When we started having sex, and beginning, middle, and end with him is always amazing, I just felt myself go. He turned me over at one point and as I looked back at him, I saw the expression on his face. He was so completely overcome. I’ve seen other men have that expression when they’re with me but the way Robert Hannibal’s face looked was even more overcome. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I felt such compassion and love for him at that moment, more even than I usually feel for him. After he orgasmed, he lay on top of me, my back to his front, and said softly, in almost a whisper, his breath to the back of my neck, “Oh, [Polly, Polly].”

Hearing him say my name like that meant more than when anyone else has said it, with the exception of my ex-girlfriend “Dee.” I was completely in love. I had known for awhile that I was falling in love with him, and definitely that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know how to fully own up to those facts. I had never been attracted to a man before, had never loved a man before. I didn’t know how to process it. But I loved loving him. And I felt so much love for him.

I guess sex with him is so amazing because it is really making love. Whether he is making love to me or having sex, it feels like he’s making love. Maybe every woman feels that with him. But when I’ve seen him at Onie’s club or at Trapeze, he is usually standing or kneeling when he’s having sex – with me, our bodies are intertwined. I do feel like it’s making love. Regardless, I am making love to him. And I’ve never made love to a man before.

After awhile, the owner of the club knocked on the door and said we weren’t allowed to close the door here. I was glad he hadn’t interrupted us earlier. As Robert Hannibal and I were getting dressed, I asked him questions about his kids (a girl and boy). He talked about how his kids were so excited because his mother was coming to stay with them for Christmas. “Grandma’s here!” he told me his kids will say, and they will wake up so early just to see her. I fell even more in love with him at that. He was such a good father to his children.

I always feel more compassion for men who are fathers. “Dan,” the lazy Filipino into group sex, disgusted me at first but when I saw how he was with his son and two daughters, I felt so much compassion for him. Something about fatherhood always softens me, and I just thought how lucky Robert Hannibal’s children were to have such a great father.

I was more in love with Robert Hannibal the more he talked about his kids, and the more he talked about them, the more I was sure he wasn’t married. So I finally had courage to ask him if he was married. I was fully expecting him to say he was divorced, or he was married but they were separated and were getting a divorce. But he just said, “yes.”

I didn’t miss a beat and said we should all do a threesome! I asked how long they’d been married (seven years) and asked what his wife looked like (white, European-looking). We went out to the common area and sat on one of the chairs, me sitting on his lap, and I asked him more questions. Apparently, he and his wife used to swing together, but now she’s busy “being a mom.” (“That’s important,” I told him, “She should be.”). He also said that his wife didn’t like white men (“She sounds like me,” I said). I told him he was lucky to have a wife who was cool with swinging, even if she wasn’t into it right now. At least they had in the past. “You know how many husbands would want that?” I said. I told him again I wanted a threesome with his wife, and he said he wasn’t sure his wife was in the right headspace for it, but it was a possibility.

He told me married life is different. He mentioned some TV program he and his wife were watching that said something about two people who live in the same house and don’t have sex and his wife said, “just like a married couple!” Robert Hannibal laughed when he told me this.

Now, many of the men at my hostess dancing job in college were married, and so I had already developed some compassion and understanding for married men in general, and the sexual frustrations they often feel in their marriage. My hostess dancing work taught me not to completely blame the men who committed adultery – there was usually more to the story. I figured Robert Hannibal and his wife were in the “Seven Year Itch” phase of their marriage, where sex has gotten stale, especially for him, if he is used to wild swing parties with his wife in the past.

I felt lucky to be able to be with Robert Hannibal, even if there was no future with him. This is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to, the first man I’ve ever enjoyed having sex with, the first man I’ve ever been in love with. But I didn’t want to tell him any of this. I felt like it would be disrespectful to his wife. I care about his wife, because she is the woman married to the man I love, the one that he chose.

In the past when I wanted a threesome, it was for me to be able to have a woman in a socially accepted situation. Even when married men would flirt with me, I would always imagine having a threesome with the wife. A threesome was the way for me to deal with the man but get to have the woman at the same time.

But in this case I didn’t want the threesome for the woman. I wanted it to legitimize being with Robert Hannibal, to make it not be cheating. A threesome would be a way of me getting to have Robert Hannibal in an open share with his wife. It would be a compromise. I couldn’t have him to myself, and I didn’t want to take him away from his wife, when it came down to it. But if we could both have him together…

Plus, I felt like Robert Hannibal’s wife and I had so much in common. Neither of us like white men, although we are both white ourselves. As for me, though, I don’t like black men either. I don’t like men in general, but I’ve always felt someone with brown skin, probably from South Asia, would be the most attractive to me. Robert Hannibal has brown skin but is from Jamaica, yet he doesn’t seem black to me. His features are not African. He is just him.

Before Robert Hannibal put me in a cab that night, he showed me a picture of his wife holding his son. It wasn’t a good picture of her, so I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like, but his little son had nice dark skin. “He has my complexion,” Robert Hannibal said. He’s such a good father!

Then I told him I still wanted to go to the “One Leg Up” parties, and he said the parties were on the weekends, and he added, “I can’t be your guy.” But he said during the week, we could still go to places together. It was almost a relief to know that he was in fact married and there is no future with him, and I think he was glad he could now be open about it as well. But it didn’t stop me from loving him.

We smiled and kissed and told each other, “Merry Christmas.” He said he would contact me after the holidays. I didn’t even ask him what he meant when he had emailed that he could “help offset” the money I get at Onie’s club – I didn’t care about being paid when I was with him. I just loved him so much.

I resolved to just enjoy the time I had with him. When I first started trying to get into this swinging world, back in August 2010, I knew my time would be short because I eventually wanted to go back fully and completely in the Mormon church. I just wanted to get this out of my system, especially being with women, because once I was totally back in the church, I would only be able to have sex with my husband. I never expected I’d be able to enjoy sex with my husband, but I know I could tolerate it.

But having met Robert Hannibal, I thought there must be another man out there that I could really love. The Lord would not be so cruel as to make the only man I could love be one who was already married.

In Response to “My Ex-Gay Friend” (NY Times, Sunday, June 19, 2011)

I can identify with Michael. All my life I have only been attracted to and loved women. I knew I was a lesbian, though sometimes my sexual behavior was of a bisexual woman, thinking that would enable me to find attraction to a man. But I never did find men attractive. I didn't think I ever would until over six months ago when I was finally sexually attracted to a man and fell in love with him immediately.

Don't tell me my feelings for women weren't real or that my feelings for this man aren't real. Why, when someone lives a "heterosexual" life and then comes out as homosexual it is okay, but if it's the other away around, people question and doubt?

I know from experience that sexuality is fluid. Those who insist otherwise are fooling themselves. Why do so many "straight" women talk of attraction to other women?

"Homosexual" is not a label that should be applied so rigidly. Don't blame those who have found that the label no longer applies, for whatever reason.

Link to original article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/magazine/my-ex-gay-friend.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha210

Sexual Dreams – March 2010

March 2010

I’ve had quite a few dreams where I find out that younger girls that I know (in my dream) are having girlfriends, and it’s no big deal. I’m always so sad in my dream, wishing I had been able to have those experiences when I was a teen. Had I been born even 10 years later, I am sure I would have, as acceptance of bisexuality has grown enormously among teens in the past ten years. But when I was a pre-teen and a teen, it was completely forbidden and I was the only one I knew who wanted it.

Sexual Dreams – Jan. 2009

Jan 2009

This is so unfair. I changed my values and made a promise to God that I would only have sex again when I was married and that I would never have sex with a woman again. So why did I have to have a dream about one of my friends who I had a huge crush on? I’d had dreams about her before, and once very unsuccessfully tried to seduce her in real life, at which point she stopped talking to me and I don’t know if she knew what I was trying to do (as we had a cultural barrier), and it took months for her to be my friend again, but I still was in love with her.

But when I made this promise to God, I thought my unconscious would keep the promise as well. But it didn’t! Why did I have to have this dream? In this dream, she was the aggressor and wouldn’t leave me alone and I was so happy. And it felt so real that when I woke up it took me awhile to shake it off. And it just made me miss women, and her especially, even more. If I ever see her again, I will die if she decides to come on to me. I don’t know how I would handle that. I would probably run away crying. Because I made a promise to God. I’ve made promises to Him before and broken them, but I can’t break this promise this time. I’ve been through too much. And He’s given me too much.

Sexual Dreams 2007

2007

Several years ago one of my friends told me about a guy who thought he was gay his whole life, but then he had a sexual dream about a woman and now he’s married to a woman and living a normal life!  With kids! 

I’ve even known some lesbian-identified women, some old, some young, some who’ve had sex with men and some who haven’t, who have had sexual dreams about men, and still do.  One even said she usually dreams about men when she is feeling particularly sexual, but she’s never been with a man and is a total lesbian-queer!  And I’ve known many straight-identified girls who haven’t yet had sex with a man but still have had sexual dreams about men! 

I’m the only one I know who hasn’t had any sexual dreams about men, other than my Marilyn dream.  I’m also the only one I know who’s never come close to having an orgasm with a man, though I’m not sure how strange that makes me.  Given my bizarre sexual experience with men, whether I orgasmed or not was not the concern, so maybe if I was with a man in a normal situation I would orgasm. 

But maybe not.  I hear about faking orgasms, so even though I never pretended, I at least have the comfort of knowing I’m not the only girl who’s never had an orgasm with a man.  At least I don’t think so, or at least other girls don’t orgasm often. 

(But who am I kidding?  I don’t orgasm with other girls all the time either, though at least I have. The difference is that with girls, even when I don’t orgasm, I like kissing them and touching them, but I am completely passive with men, even when I let them kiss me and make out with me, I just go with the flow, I don’t add anything). 

Maybe I just need more normal experiences, as my experience in general is not normal. Most of my sexual experience with men was from my hostess dancing job, and although several of those men tried to have relationships with me, I've never had a real sexual relationship with a man where no exchange of money was involved. So maybe I just need more normal, non-transactional sexual experience with men. 

I have been with a lot of girls all for free, but only a few that could be called real relationships. I would love to have more girlfriends, of course, but I think for my own well-being I will need to have more men, and not just for money. But I can't even imagine what it's like to want to be with a man just for him, just to be with him and not get anything out of it.

I think if I orgasm with a man, my whole perspective will change.  I will think differently.  I will think of myself differently.  There is no way I could think of myself as lesbian if I orgasm with a man, that’s for sure.

 But how on earth could I ever orgasm with a man? Whether it’s vaginal or anal intercourse, I don’t feel anything with them, and even when they go down on me it’s not good. 

And most importantly, everything about a man is so ugly.  The male body is so ugly and disgusting, especially the male sex organ.  How can anyone be attracted to that?  I truly don’t think there is an object in existence that is uglier than the male sex organ.  If there is anything guaranteed to repel sexual desire, surely it is that.  So what is wrong with me if other women like it? And how will an orgasm ever happen for me with a man? 

And even if I did miraculously orgasm with a man, it’s such an abnormal way to try to be normal!  I’ve oscillated throughout my life between thinking I was very strange and completely abnormal in many ways, not just this (especially as a teenager) to thinking I’m just like all other girls, or other girls are just like me, to thinking I’m slightly different, but not too much so, to wondering if I really am, after all, quite anomalous. 

I guess I will always have to admit that, in addition to many things being wrong with me, this is all wrong with me, too, unfortunately.  Because it’s not normal!  People really have to understand normal!