Robert Hannibal has changed my attitudes – written March 6, 2011 (email to my younger sister)

It’s getting close for me to leave on my class trip to Israel and I am hoping to see Robert Hannibal at least one time before I leave!  I realize he has really changed my attitude about sex, about love, about men. 

I try to explain to my younger sister how my viewpoint has changed, and I try to give her advice on her own struggles.   Just like me, she doesn’t live a conventional Mormon life, but also like me, she believes the LDS Church is true.  So we both struggle, just in different ways.  

This is from the email I sent to my sister tonight (I removed the parts that are personal for her and only included the section that refers to Robert Hannibal, but of course, it’s a long section!):

with robert hannibal, i have realized something similar.  i used to only be able to picture marriage if it was an open marriage, meaning i could date girls on the side and we could have orgies and threesomes.  my relationship with “dan” in the philippines was only that, and i was willing to marry him if i had to because i'd be able to have a marriage in the only way i could possibly picture it.  plus, i thought his kids were gorgeous and so smart and so adorable.  but i could only picture a marriage with me having girls and orgies and threesomes.

but meeting robert hannibal has changed that.  i feel so much more fulfilled when we are alone together. i love sex with him alone more than i like having another girl or other people alone.  i realize that if i had a choice, i would choose to only have sex with robert hannibal for the rest of my life. i would give up women. 

he makes me forget about everyone except for him.  now i know this is possible and now i don't believe in an open marriage anymore. i don't even believe in swinging anymore, though i used to think it was essential for marriages, so that partners could have variety but not be “cheating."  but now i truly believe monogamy is the most fulfilling marriage.  because of robert hannibal.  he is so amazing.

i've never had an orgasm with him, but i enjoy sex so much with him.  if we were married to each other, there would be plenty of time for us to work on that together, but as it is, i really don't feel i need it.  i just love being with him so much.  this is such new thought for me.  never would i have thought this before. 

i really really love him so much. even if we don't go to all the swinging parties, which is what i originally wanted with him, i even more just want to be alone with him.  i get jealous of other girls.  that has never happened to me with a guy before! this is so strange for me to be in love with a man, really and truly!

but of course he's married with two kids and i want him to have a monogamous relationship with his wife - once i'm done. 

i realize that when couples are into swinging and it makes them free, it might make them more free than a couple that is married and doesn't swing but it doesn't make them more free than a couple that is covenant in the temple - i realize that temple sealing and covenant between the couple make the crucial difference.  with that covenant, the marriage is at a higher level.  i realize that is what i want.  if i can just find someone that i can love as much as i love robert hannibal.

so [sister], i am so old and it has taken me this long to come to the realization, and i'm not even ready to fully make the commitment yet to prepare to go to the temple because i still want to be with robert hannibal more and i still want to go to more swinging parties, and i still want to make more money having sex. 

even though i know the swinging parties and the prostitution are not fulfilling, and that even sex with robert hannibal, as wonderful as it is, is not the ultimate fulfillment because it is not sealed in marriage and sealed in the temple, i want to do more of it just to really get it out of my system.  i want a few more months.

so with you, make the goal of where you want to be.  and try for it.  i hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize where you want to be. 

I talk about LDS Temple Marriage because I really believe that will provide the most fulfilling marriage and the sex life I think will be even more spiritual and rewarding than what I currently have with Robert Hannibal.  

Trying to Like Men in the Past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)

In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to "try to like" a guy.   

In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I'm a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I've ever been attracted to.  My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was "trying to like," before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!  

This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011: 

no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn't try to set me up with them.

as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn't attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you're not attracted? that's how it was with him. 

but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy. 

plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn't believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry. 

and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it's so weird when i say that but that's what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk. 

but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn't there - that he wasn't interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn't attracted to him, but i didn't expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.

but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it's hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.

In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008. This was right after I had been seeing "Dan," the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends.  I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children.  And I want to be a mother more than anything. 

So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.  

One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email.  I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that.  I've always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen. 

Besides, now that i know what it's like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can't just marry anyone.  I want to love who I marry.