Trying to Like Men in the Past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)

In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to "try to like" a guy.   

In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I'm a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I've ever been attracted to.  My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was "trying to like," before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!  

This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011: 

no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn't try to set me up with them.

as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn't attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you're not attracted? that's how it was with him. 

but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy. 

plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn't believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry. 

and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it's so weird when i say that but that's what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk. 

but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn't there - that he wasn't interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn't attracted to him, but i didn't expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.

but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it's hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.

In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008. This was right after I had been seeing "Dan," the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends.  I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children.  And I want to be a mother more than anything. 

So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.  

One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email.  I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that.  I've always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen. 

Besides, now that i know what it's like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can't just marry anyone.  I want to love who I marry. 

Mormon Lesbian Version of The Weed: Club Unicorn: June 2012

The Weed: Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary

When I read the “Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling.  I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed.  After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex. 

This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:

“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I've gone through, only a different gender.  All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men.  But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him.  However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that's too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women.  I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference.  So thank you for sharing.”

Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage.

I find all these concerns misplaced.  Let me address each one.

1) Is it real love? - Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love.  They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex.   A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love.

So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex?  Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife.  How is that not considered real, or true?

2) Mixed orientation marriages - Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc.  Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa. 

What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage.  The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage.  That commitment is more important than anything else.

3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife. 

I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly.  Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on.  And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast. 

In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women.  Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on.  And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together. 

That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women.  This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal.  And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved.  If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win.  It is not even a contest. 

Why is that?  As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.”  The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm.  Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment. 

4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself - How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself?  Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself? 

If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise?  How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed?  How do they know better than Josh Weed does? 

What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man?  Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife?  And she him? 

Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship.  If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself? 

To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore.  Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits.  Is this person being true to himself? 

Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled.  And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself.  

5th Date with Robert Hannibal – January 27, 2011 (written Feb. 2, 2011)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Part 3 – Dates (3a – First Date) (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

My first date with Robert Hannibal was Friday, Dec. 3rd, almost exactly one month after we had first met at my first night of working at Onie’s club. This date was greatly-anticipated – I was so excited to see him again. That night one of my friends had a music concert at our school, so first I went to that with one of my other school friends. Again, I was sure Robert Hannibal was not married because he said he would just be hanging out with one of his friends who was DJ-ing somewhere downtown while I was at the concert. It was a Friday night – surely if he had a wife she would not let him free like that?

When we met up, I loved how handsome he looked. We started off looking for hot chocolate, but didn’t find any, and then took a cab to a place called Trapeze, which Robert Hannibal said was one of the first swing clubs from back in the ‘70’s and that the décor looks like it had never been updated. I didn’t care, I just wanted to be with him.

At Trapeze everyone wears towels to walk around in. We kept going upstairs to see the various rooms and the large orgy-room downstairs. There was a really old couple and some other couples, but I was very picky because I only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal.

Eventually, we went down to the lounge area and sat on one of the couches and talked, with me somewhat sitting on his lap. He told me that although he had had girlfriends, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 25. I thought that was so adorable. I am guessing he is in his late 30’s. He looked so cute when he told me that.

He also explained his first threesome – a woman he was dating, whom he had thought he would marry, told him if they got married she was sure he would cheat on her, so she arranged a threesome with him and another woman. He said he didn’t end up marrying that woman, but I was afraid to press if he ended up marrying anyone else.

He also talked more about being from Jamaica. He had told me he was from Jamaica when I met him my first night at Onie’s club, but this night he told me had moved to the US when he was ten and so had basically grown up in the states. (He had also told me my first night at work that he had gone to school at Dartmouth after I told him I was in grad school.) I just pictured him as this cute little boy arriving in the States , probably bewildered and scared, and now look how far he’s come – going to school at Dartmouth, working on Wall Street, etc. He’s just so smart and so handsome and so attractive and I just loved having a conversation with him there in the lobby area.

We went back to the orgy room and had it pretty much to ourselves. There are mirrors all around and on the ceiling. He said he remembered how good I tasted (he had gone down on me my first night working at Onie’s club before he first had sex with me) and went down on me again at Trapeze. Then we began having sex and I loved it so much. I don’t know what it is he does differently from all other men but he is so wonderful in bed. The night to me was already complete because I had sex with Robert Hannibal.

But he wanted to find other couples and kept asking me what women I thought were attractive. There was a couple with a woman I found attractive – she was slightly older, probably 40, and her man was probably late 40’s, but she was definitely attractive. I pointed her out to Robert Hannibal while we were laying down in the orgy room as the couple went up the staircase.

But somehow we ended up with another couple who took us to a private, closed room with them. They asked us our names, and Robert Hannibal said his name was [Robert Hannibal]. I was surprised because at Onie’s club he never actually told me his name, but PR told me his name was R. So I thought that was his name.

But then I remembered when he called me earlier that evening to confirm a meeting spot, he said, "Hi [Polly], this is [Robert Hannibal]," and I thought I had just mis-heard it. The couple asked us if those were our real names, because some couples lie, and Robert Hannibal laughed and said, yes, it was his real name. But I was worried why he would have a different name he would use at Onie’s club? He must be married. But then I thought he was just trying to be discreet at Onie’s club, because it’s slightly less respectable than going to a strictly couples-only club.

The woman of the couple was Asian and I wasn’t physically attracted to her but I liked her a lot as a person and we had a good conversation. She went down on me and was quite good. Then her man said that she needed to come, and that she had a hard time orgasming (she and I had both bonded over that in our conversation). So her man said Robert Hannibal should go down on her, and he did, for what seemed like half an hour. I was so bored (and jealous) during that time. Then we did the full couples swap and her man was kneeling over me and asked me to put on his condom.

Now, I hate touching men’s package thing. I hate everything about it. I think it looks ugly, I think it feels disgusting, I don’t like anything about it. So I said “I don’t do that.” The man got up and was so angry and said, “you should speak to your partner before so people don’t think you’ll swap if you won’t.” His girlfriend asked him what was wrong and I realized that I needed to do the partner swap, and if it meant I had to touch the guy’s thing to put the condom on, I had to just do it. Robert Hannibal took me to a swing club to swing, he kept looking for couples, he wasn’t there just to be with me, even though I would have been satisfied just being with him.

So I played it off like it was a misunderstanding, “Oh, I thought you wanted me to go down on you first, and I don’t do that.” And I pointed to Robert Hannibal and said, “I don’t even do that to him.” So the man laughed and said he understood, and I put the condom on his ugly thing and let him have sex with me while Robert Hannibal had sex with the man’s lucky girlfriend. All I thought was that I wanted the man to hurry up and come, just like when I’m working at Onie’s club.

When we all finished, we were laughing and talking like we were best friends but I secretly wondered if I’d be able to do this very often with Robert Hannibal. If we did couple swaps, the woman of any couple would always get the best end of the deal, and I would get the worst. I decided I could handle it as long as I got to have alone time with Robert Hannibal. I was glad I got to have sex with Robert Hannibal alone before we were with this couple.

Then we went back and searched for more couples. We went back down to the orgy room and started making out and the couple with the woman that I thought was attractive entered. Robert Hannibal moved us over to where the couple was, literally right next to them. The woman said I had “beautiful” breasts and asked if she could kiss them, so while her man was with her she leaned over and kissed my breasts. Then she and I started kissing and making out and then she would suck my breasts again.

Robert Hannibal told the guy that I had picked his girlfriend out as someone I thought was attractive, and he also told the man that he liked watching the two of them together. The man said, “we thought the same about you two.” The man said they weren’t ready to partner swap yet as they were still new to the swing thing, but they liked the idea of having sex in the open with people watching. I was so glad. If only all the couples were like that, then I could just stay with Robert Hannibal.

Then Robert Hannibal and I had sex again and it was awesome. I could totally handle swing clubs if I got to kiss other women but only have sex with Robert Hannibal. That would be the best scenario for me, and it would still make Robert Hannibal happy because he would get the excitement and sexual adventure.

But he wasn’t satisfied with that. After that couple, he wanted to find another couple. I started getting annoyed because I just wanted to be alone with him, or with pretty girls, and so many of the women were older and unattractive to me. Yet he was fascinated with just standing there and staring at all the play going on and holding his thing.

Finally we found a couple upstairs where the woman was somewhat attractive to me (but not nearly as attractive as the other woman) and we started chatting them up and laying down next to them. I hoped they, like the previous couple, weren’t interested in swapping but just liked the idea of open sex. They were a fun couple and we laughed a lot with them, and we all went downstairs to the orgy room again. They were together and Robert Hannibal and I were together, but we didn’t have sex, but I like just being with him.

After that Robert Hannibal and I showered together. I loved showering with him. He was just so handsome and attractive to me. I loved how his body felt against mine. No other man could make me enjoy being with him, sex or no sex.

At the end of the night, we talked with the different couples we had been with and exchanged contact information but I didn’t care about seeing any of them again, unless it was the only way to see Robert Hannibal again. Robert Hannibal told the couples they should check out the “One Leg Up” parties. That was the high-class party he had told me about my second time meeting him, when we exchanged email addresses. That party sounded like my ideal swing party, with everyone elegant and good-looking, and dressed up like the 1920’s, and I told Robert Hannibal that I wanted him to take me to one of those parties. He never quite committed, and so I still wasn’t sure about his personal life. I hoped so bad he wasn’t married. He put me in a cab and all I could think about was when I would see him again.

The next day, Saturday evening, I was at a dinner party with my school friends and I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal. Was I really in love with him? Or was I just attracted to him, and wanting to enjoy the opportunity to actually be attracted to a man – for the first time in my life! The first man to make me feel like a real woman, to make me feel like a woman who actually enjoys sex with a man? I didn’t know if it was just that he was so good at sex, the first man I ever enjoyed sex with, that made me like him, but I thought it was more than that. I thought I was really falling in love with him. But I wasn’t sure.

And I wasn’t sure if he was married or not. How I wanted him not to be! And how I wanted to see him again! So in the middle of the dinner party, I texted him to see if he wanted to go to another club later that night. He texted back and said that he was too tired. Then I remembered that after our late night at the club he told me he had had to be up at 8am because he had an appointment with a plumber.

A plumber appointment – that’s what responsible married men do. But he also could be separated or divorced. I recalled that the Orthodox Jew, “Jay,” was separated from his wife. I even told my friend, the one who was hosting the dinner party, that I thought I was falling in love with this guy but I was worried he might be married. She sympathized with me, and afterwards I walked home from the dinner party with one of my gay friends. We discussed Robert Hannibal and my friend’s boy troubles. I couldn’t stop thinking about Robert Hannibal. How I loved talking about Robert Hannibal!

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2a) – January 13, 2

After Robert Hannibal told me his email address, I was, as I said, worried that he was married because the email address did not have his name in it, but the name Hannibal instead – “not Hannibal Lecter” - he didn’t want to scare me. He said his email referenced Hannibal the military leader, and I said, “yes, the one who went over the Alps with the elephants.” Robert Hannibal said he chose this name because Hannibal was “an African.” I had no idea that Hannibal the military commander was African – see how Robert Hannibal teaches me so much!

But knowing this was his email address, I was very concerned that he might be married. We just hugged good-bye when he walked me to the subway, he didn’t try to kiss me outside of the club where I worked (though inside, of course, he kissed me everywhere, and I even kissed him back! And I hate having guys kiss me. But I loved it with Robert Hannibal).

I went home still hopeful that he was single, or at least separated. Yet I knew I needed to keep my options open for a guy to be my “swing partner” for couples parties in case Robert Hannibal really was married and was not able to be a regular swing partner for me.

On Wednesday, he sent me an email telling me he would send me links to swing clubs “in a few days.” The email subject was “Good to see you again,” which made me happy, but given the fact that he wasn’t sending the links right away, I was certain he was married.

Therefore, I kept my “date” that night with a guy I had met at the club the week prior. He was Filipino, and he had been too shy to have sex at the club and I felt sorry for him, so I agreed to a dinner date even though I knew he would want sex after. I didn’t even expect him to pay for private sex with me because I felt so sorry for him. He was newly divorced but hadn’t had sex for a long time.

I told this Filipino guy via text after he asked me out, very apologetic about monopolizing my time, that he was “the only one at the club I wanted to have sex with” to ease him and calm him down.

But of course he didn’t understand that although I meant every single word, I didn’t mean it in the way normal people mean it when they say that phrase. I have to have sex with men at Onie’s club – that is my job. If I am going to have to have sex with men, I would rather have sex with men who are not old, preferably with dark skin and who aren’t hairy, and this Filipino guy was the only one the night I met him at the club who had all those characteristics.

We had dinner but it was hard to concentrate because the night before I’d been with Robert Hannibal at Onie’s club, and that day I had received Robert Hannibal’s email which led me to really think he was married. After dinner, I put off sex with the Filipino as long as I could, but finally I just let him do it, and it was good for him to break the ice, so to speak, after his many sexless months.

But I just kept thinking of Robert Hannibal and remembering how amazing he was at sex and hoping I was wrong about him being married.

I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Robert Hannibal, Part 1– January 13, 2011

My first night of work at this club, as I said earlier, was Nov. 2, 2010 – Election Day.  As I said, my expectation of hot couples and girls did not materialize, and I was left with only men.  As the new girl, I was surrounded by men, and after about an hour and a half “PR” came over to me.  He hugged me and lifted me up and kissed me and asked how my first night of work was going.  I told him I was frustrated because I’d already had sex with seven guys that night and there weren’t any women except for the other women working at Onie’s.  PR told me I should slow down and pace myself, and that there weren’t always couples every night.

Then I started talking with “Mississippi,” one of the other women working at Onie’s, and asked her where all the couples were.  She said there weren’t usually couples, that this party was usually just for single men.   I felt angry and misled by PR.  Mississippi  told me to just find the men I found most attractive and have sex with them.  “But I don’t like men!” I told her.

Then I laid down on one of the beds, and one man caught my eye.  To my surprise, I was attracted to him, and I wanted him to have sex with me.   That had never happened before.

If I were in a different situation, I wonder if I would have wanted him to have sex with me.  Given that I was paid to have sex with these men, I naturally wanted to choose the better-looking men, since I had to be with someone regardless. But this man just stood out to me, somehow.  I’ve always felt I would marry a dark-skinned man, with some sort of brown skin color, but I wasn’t sure what race, and have never been able to see myself being attracted to a white man or a black man.  This man was brown-skinned, and he seemed to me to be a cross between an Islander and/or a Polynesian man.  More importantly, he just seemed so handsome and yes, sexy, to me.  That word never appeared in the same sentence as a man before.

As if in a movie, our eyes met across the room and he came over to where I was and we started talking.  We had rapport immediately, and when I told him I was getting my Master’s in Journalism at Columbia, he smiled and said he went to Dartmouth for undergrad.  He asked if this was my first time at a sex party, and I told him no, I’d gone to sex parties before, and that my previous relationship with Dan was interesting because the only thing we had in common was that we both liked orgies.  This man asked why I like orgies so much and I told him sex with men was boring.  I told him the best sex was in an orgy.  I told him I didn’t really like men, but preferred women, but in an orgy setting, I could have sex with men because it wasn’t as boring as being alone with a man.

We started kissing and having sex, and with this man, “Robert Hannibal,” I felt like I was finally feeling what all the “sex” fuss was about.  I didn’t come or get even close to orgasm, but I loved being with him.  I loved every single moment.  I didn’t want it to end.  That is so different from my usual thoughts during sex, because usually I am wishing the guy would hurry up and come already.  That is the constant refrain going through my mind when I am having sex.  But not with Robert Hannibal. 

After we had sex and while I was having sex with another guy, Robert Hannibal continued to talk with me, and the other men around us were amazed that I was able to carry on a conversation while being pounded, but for me, it’s not that difficult.  Then Robert Hannibal had sex with me again, and it was just as amazing.  The other men asked me and Robert Hannibal how long we  had known each other and everyone laughed when we told them we had just met that night.  That was the first time I have ever experienced attraction and chemistry with a man, and the fact that it was instant made it even more amazing for me.   

Then a long-haired guy, who’d had sex with me earlier, started going down on me and ended up with a condom in his mouth.  Robert Hannibal realized, as the last man who’d had sex with me before this guy, that the condom was his.  He, very seriously, told me, “that’s my condom, I’m sorry.  I’ll help to take care of anything,” and I knew he meant an abortion.   Because I was far enough along in my cycle, I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant, but I felt a twinge of sadness.  Here was a man I would actually like to get pregnant with – a smart, handsome man, and yet I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant by him. At least not at this time.

I told him, “Don’t worry, I won’t be pregnant, but I’m clean.  Are you clean?” And he said he was, and so I told him everything was fine.  Then the other guy pulled me down and kept going down on me all over, but I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal.  I have usually used protection, but remembered the two pregnancy scares I had had – one with Dan, from the Philippines, where I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant, but in reality, I was just messed up from being on the Pill for so long and manipulating it.  

And I remembered another guy I had a one-night stand with – that I had hoped would be a threesome, or would lead to a threesome, but didn’t.  And the thought of being pregnant by that guy was terrifying to me because I didn’t want a baby by him.  At that time, I had missed the five day window for Plan B, and was seriously going to get an abortion if I ended up not getting my period.  But luckily my period arrived soon after, and I wasn’t pregnant by that guy.   But now I’d met a guy I actually wanted to get pregnant by!

After the long-haired guy finished going down on me, Robert Hannibal made a joke about the porn that was showing and I told him I’d rather just see girl-on-girl porn and he told me that sometimes Onie showed it and he would check on that.  He went to ask PR about the porn and a couple other guys had sex with me during that time.

Then  I took a break and went to the restroom.  As I was leaving the restroom, Robert Hannibal asked me if I was interested in art and told me about an art show that was happening the next day, but I told him I had school and couldn’t make it. I didn’t even think to give him my contact information even so.  

I continued my job, having sex with a couple more guys, and noticed Robert Hannibal wasn’t there anymore.  I asked PR where he was (and that was when I realized Robert Hannibal had never told me his name!).  But PR said, “Rob? The guy you were with earlier two times?  He left.”  I was very upset but tried to cover up my hurt by saying, “he was supposed to tell me about some girl-on-girl porn that you guys sometimes show!  How could he leave without telling me that?”  PR said, “Oh, he did ask about that porn but I told him I didn’t think we have it anymore.  He’s a regular, he should know that.”  Because PR called him a regular, I knew I would see him again, and Robert Hannibal had made several references to the fact that he frequently attended Onie’s parties.  The next few times at work, I didn’t see him, and was so busy at work I didn’t have much time to think about him, though he was always in the back of my mind.  

But then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he was there.  I was so excited to see him again, but before I could do anything one of the older white women, “Kayla,” who is in her mid-40’s, grabbed him.  One of the unwritten rules is that we don’t intercept when one of the other girls has chosen a guy – we may join them in a threesome if it’s cool with both of them, but we don’t try to take the guy away.  So all I could do was watch as she gave him a hand job and a blow job and then had sex with him.  I was so angry.  Normally I like Kayla, but I almost hated her then.  I didn’t want to be with anyone else, even though it was my job to do so.  It became too painful to watch Robert Hannibal’s face or body, so my eyes turned to his feet – when they shook, I knew he was having a full-body orgasm.

When Kayla and Robert Hannibal were done, they sat down by me and my face is so vocal I cannot hide my emotions.  I put my head in my hand because watching the two of them together had truly given me a headache.  Kayla kept asking me what was wrong, and I said I was tired, but in reality, I just wanted to talk with Robert Hannibal.  

Finally, Robert Hannibal started talking to me, and our ease of conversation continued just as if we had seen each other recently.  He talked about how he was so lazy for Thanksgiving he was “ordering in,” and I laughed, saying “that is really lazy!”  How I hoped he was single!  If he was married or had a girlfriend, surely he wouldn’t be ordering in on Thanksgiving!  He sat closer to me, and asked how I was doing, calling me, “Miss Journalism.”

He asked if I wanted to “play” and I said of course, and then he was so cute – he said he got shy, and I asked him, laughingly, “why are you shy?” Then I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the bed against the wall.  At first we just lay there, him facing me and me lying on my right side.  Kayla came over and put her arm around him, saying to him and gesturing to me, “Isn’t she beautiful?” and he stroked my hips and the outside of my left leg and said, without looking at her and keeping his eyes on me, “she’s lovely.”  

Then we began having sex  and once again it was an amazing experience.  I don’t know what it is he does differently but somehow he is worlds away from any other guy in the bedroom.  PR, the promoter came by and said, “you two are making love,” and he kissed my breast then walked away.  PR always tries to cop a feel when we are with any guy, and I didn’t want him ruining my time with Robert Hannibal so I just ignored him.  There are jokes at the club that we are not there to make love, only to have sex, but with Robert Hannibal, I really do feel that we are making love. 

When he finished, he smiled and said, “You’re fabulous.”  But I’m not. I don’t do anything during sex.  But it’s a different way of not doing anything when I’m with Robert Hannibal than not doing anything with other guys.  Whereas with other guys I am literally bored and feel like a board, in every sense, being nailed, with Robert Hannibal I am moving with him – we really are two bodies joining as one.  I never felt that with any man before, and with only a few women.  We are really dancing together in sex.  I follow his lead, which is ironic because in true partner dances I’ve never been able to follow the lead.  But with Robert Hannibal, it feels so natural – I want to be wherever he is. 

Laying in bed, he talked with me about “real” swing clubs, where you have to be a couple to get in, and he told me about a fancy one that intrigued me so much.  He said he knew of quite a few that were high class and he would email me the links.  I told him I could get in trouble if I gave out my contact information, so he memorized my email address.  He told me we would go to one of the clubs together.  My excitement surged.  I have never so eagerly anticipated a date before, with a man or woman.  Never. 

He mentioned it was getting late and that he would have to go, and I asked if he could stay til 11.  I told him I have to stay til 11, and if he leaves then I’d have to be with some other guy, but as long as he stayed and I stayed with him, then I’d be fine.  He told me he’d stay with me. Then, when it was 11pm and my shift was over, he walked me to the subway and told me his email address.  I knew right away this email address was not the one he used for friends and family, and I was worried he might be married. 

Now, I’ve been with many married men before.  But I’ve never been in love with any of them, never been in love with any man before.   I’ve never even really been attracted to a man before.  But this man was so attractive.  So handsome and intelligent and funny and kind and attractive! My thoughts never dwelled on a man before.  My heart never rose up for a man before.  And I realized that I was falling in love with Robert Hannibal.