I Love Fred Willard!

Fred Willard has always been one of my favorites.  I first became a fan while watching the talk show parody “Fernwood 2 Night” (which later changed its title to “America 2-Night”) on Nick at Nite with my brother. 

Martin Mull, who played the host of the fictional late night talk show, was so funny, truly great, but Fred Willard was, if possible, even better.  Perfect.  He was mine and my brother’s favorite part of the already hysterical show.

Fred Willard has shown his amazing comedic talents in everything he’s been in.  He was my favorite part of “A Mighty Wind,” and I loved that entire movie and every song.  I even faithfully watched a show that no one else saw, called “Maybe It’s Me,” simply because Fred Willard played the dad.  He was, of course, hilarious in the role.

Obviously, I’m writing about Fred Willard at this time because he was recently arrested for “engaging in a lewd act” at Tiki Theatre in California.  Now, it is no surprise that people go to Tiki Theatre to watch porn and masturbate.   That is known. 

So why would cops waste their valuable time arresting someone who may have been masturbating at a porn theater?  Don’t they have better things to do, real crimes to investigate? 

Yes, I know that under California Penal Code 647, it is against the law to publicly engage in lewd acts.  Presumably such a law is in place to protect the larger public from being subjected to such a lewd act.  However, is a porn theater really considered a public place where lewd acts would be offensive to those in such a venue?

Anyone who is offended by someone masturbating likely would not go to a theater that shows porn.  Whether Mr. Willard did or did not “engage in a lewd act” at the theater (and given that no one else was arrested, the only lewd act that comes to mind is masturbation), is not important.  He was at a porn theater.  Who cares if he was masturbating?  Isn’t that what people do at porn theaters?  Or should do, at any rate?

Police arresting someone masturbating at a porn theater reminds me of my jobs in the sex industry, where there’s frequently the nervous undercurrent of fear of an undercover cop showing up and busting everyone.

But that should not be a fear.  Voluntary sex work, especially in the controlled indoor venues where I’ve worked, should be legalized.  No one in the public space is affected, for the sex all happens indoors.  

Anyone paying to attend a sex party knows that they are likely to see sex acts performed, and most people expect to actually participate.  They may not realize that we girls are paid to have sex with the party attendees, but it doesn’t matter.  No one is harmed by what goes on at these parties.  There is no reason for me and the other girls to have to worry that we could be arrested merely for having sex for money. 

Likewise, anyone should lawfully be able to freely masturbate in a porn theater. The movies shown in a porn theater would not be shown at your corner AMC theater.  And the customers at a porn theater understand that – they are paying for porn. 

Somehow this country’s laws need to evolve when it comes to matters of sex.

Regardless, Fred Willard, the gifted comedian, will now likely always have this pointless and stupid arrest tied to his name, even if he is later cleared.  Truly, I’m ashamed that he was arrested for something so ridiculous, something that should not even be a crime.  

Two Hours with the Handsome Young Man at Onie’s on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 – written March 10, 2011

After Robert Hannibal left, I wanted the next two hours to pass quickly.  When I went back into the bar area, I saw the handsome young man standing against a wall.  I introduced myself to him, asking if it was his first time here, and how he found out about it.  I told him I always ask people that.  It’s part of my journalistic nature.

The handsome young man, “Hans,” told me he’d found this place on Craigslist – most guys tell me that.  Apparently, “PR,” the promoter, posts regularly on CL about the wild sex party going on at “Onie’s” club, and that’s how all these guys find out about it.  But Hans told me if he hadn’t seen me, he would have gone home.  A lot of guys tell me that. 

Not that the other girls at Onie’s are unattractive.   It’s just that I’m considered the most attractive, though in real life I’m definitely not among the most attractive girls in New York.  No way!  Everyday I see really stunning, beautiful, gorgeous girls.   Everyday.

Hans is seriously probably the best-looking guy I have ever seen in my entire life.  However, Hans is not only very handsome in the traditional manly sense, with a legitimate abdominal six-pack, pectoral muscles, handsome face, broad shoulders, etc. but he is very smart.  I really enjoyed talking with him.  When I told him I was a Journalism grad student at [my school], he told me he has friends in the law school at [my school].  He had gone to Brown for undergrad, and was planning on going to med school soon. 

He could figure out that the others girls and I were getting paid to work here, and he asked why I do it.  I told him I like having extra money and it’s not a big deal for me to have sex, as long as my rules are followed – no hand-jobs or blow-jobs. 

I had a lot of fun with Hans.  We had sex a total of four times, and after the first time he said it was the most intense orgasm he’d had in a couple weeks.  I said, “a couple weeks?” And he said, “okay, maybe months.”  I don’t know if that was really true or if he thought I would like to hear it because of my job. 

But truth be told, guys tell me that all the time.  And I don’t know if it’s really true or they’re just saying it.  It doesn’t matter – I don’t get extra money if they have an intense orgasm.  Regardless, I still don’t do anything.  I just lie there, either front or back.  I’m not going to do any more work than is required of me in this job.

With Hans, however, since he was so good-looking, I let him kiss me also and make out with me.   Sometimes I do let the better-looking guys kiss me – it just depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  Still, the only guy I really like kissing is Robert Hannibal!

But Hans was really fun.  I admitted to him that I really only like girls but met the first guy I’ve ever been attracted to at this job.  I told him it was Robert Hannibal, and that he was the guy I was walking out with when Hans entered. 

I told Hans I really want more experience with girls, and asked if he knew any girls that would have a threesome with me and him, and he said he did.  He said he would definitely arrange some threesomes for us.  I was so excited!  Hans being so good-looking, I knew the girls would be beautiful!

He asked if he could get my contact information, but I said it would be better to wait until I get off work at 11pm.  We girls could get in trouble if anyone saw us giving out our contact information.

Now, after the first time we had sex, Hans and I had sex two more times, with him carrying me to different areas of the room for sex.  By this time it was 10:30pm, and Onie’s nephew, “Nephew,” who works at the club, told me Onie wanted to see me.   When Nephew left, I said to Hans, “How do they think no one will figure out we’re getting paid when they come up to us like that?”  Hans just laughed.  He walked out with me and I went into Onie’s office alone. 

Onie said it was a slow night and I could go home now if I wanted.  I was worried I wouldn’t get as much pay if I left even half an hour early, but Onie said I would.  I went out and told Hans I could leave early but didn’t want to lose any pay.  Hans picked me up and carried me over to the swing where we had sex. 

At 11pm, it was time to go and I was still with Hans.  We had had sex four times between 9pm and 11pm, talking and kissing throughout.  He really is very smart and very good-looking.  And I was so excited to think of the girls he would get me for threesomes. 

I told Hans I had to shower and change, and then I would give him my contact information, and it should only take me a few minutes.  But Onie wanted to talk to me and brought me into his office. 

Onie said the other girls had complained that I spent the whole night with only two guys and they had to do all the work for the rest of the guys.  “But you said yourself it was a slow night,” I said, though, to be honest, since I’d been with Robert Hannibal and Hans the whole time, I hadn’t noticed it was slow.  “So it’s not like they had to do so much extra.”

Onie said I still could have had at least one or two other guys and I said, “No.”  I explained that when Robert Hannibal is here, I want to spend all my time with him.  I told Onie that Robert Hannibal takes me to couples-only clubs and I really like him and only want to be with him when he’s here, and that it’s not fair to ask me not to be with him when I like him so much. 

Onie said, “Okay, but after he left, you were only with one guy.”  I told Onie that normally I do a lot of work and guys are waiting in line for me.  He admitted that this was true.  “When I find a guy that’s good-looking and smart and I want to spend my time with him, I deserve this because I am with so many other guys all the other nights,” I told Onie. 

He agreed with me, but just asked me not to do this too often.  He paid me the same as he usually pays me, perhaps knowing that I would have thrown a fit if I’d been paid less than normal.

But by the time I’d left Onie’s office, I realized I’d been in there nearly 20 minutes and Hans was gone!  I was so sad.  I wish I had gotten his contact information before I went into Onie’s office but I didn’t know I’d be talking with Onie so long. 

I hope Hans comes back.  It’s so nice to be with a good-looking and smart guy, and I really wanted to have the threesomes with him and the girls he knows.  He would be my best chance to have hot threesomes.   Plus, he’s just a really great guy.

But somehow I know he won’t be back.   He’s so good-looking, girls will probably do anything he says and he can organize his own orgies and threesomes.  He doesn’t need me at all.  But I really need him.  I don’t know anyone I can have orgies or threesomes with, other than going to swing parties. 

So I feel really sad. 

I’m also really sad because yesterday in the airport before our class left, I texted Robert Hannibal to ask if there was any way I could see him on the 21^st when we get back into the city, since he and his family are leaving the very next day for their vacation.  He texted back: “Have a great trip.  That night would be rough; have to pack and have an early flight.”

This means I won’t see Robert Hannibal for at least a month, as I’ll be in Israel these ten days and then as soon as I get back, he’ll be in the DR for two weeks.  I miss him already. 

It is funny because most girls would miss Hans and not Robert Hannibal.  Hans is the typical good-looking guy.  He’s young, handsome, has a perfect man’s body.  Robert Hannibal is a little older and, although handsome, not as traditionally handsome as Hans, and Robert Hannibal has a little bit of a belly.   Hans has a six-pack. 

Sex with Hans is wild, and most girls would probably choose sex with him over Robert Hannibal.  But not me.  I feel something with Robert Hannibal that no other guy can get me to feel.  Even someone as handsome as Hans. 

Robert Hannibal is who I prefer.  To me, it is not even a contest.  If I am being paid to have sex with men, then naturally I am going to choose the best-looking and smartest guys at Onie’s, and with Robert Hannibal gone, Hans clearly was the next best choice.  But if I could choose who I really want to be with, who I love, who I’m attracted to, the answer is easily Robert Hannibal.

I miss Hans for the possibilities of orgies and threesomes with beautiful girls.  But I miss Robert Hannibal for him.

Logically, I can tell Hans is better-looking than Robert Hannibal.  Hans is who I should be attracted to.  But I’m not attracted to him.  I’m attracted to Robert Hannibal. I love Robert Hannibal.