In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to "try to like" a guy.
In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I'm a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I've ever been attracted to. My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was "trying to like," before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!
This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011:
In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008. This was right after I had been seeing "Dan," the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends. I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children. And I want to be a mother more than anything.
So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.
One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email. I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that. I've always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen.
Besides, now that i know what it's like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can't just marry anyone. I want to love who I marry.