The Weed: Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary
When I read the “Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling. I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed. After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex.
This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:
“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I've gone through, only a different gender. All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men. But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him. However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that's too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women. I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference. So thank you for sharing.”
Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage.
I find all these concerns misplaced. Let me address each one.
1) Is it real love? - Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love. They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex. A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love.
So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex? Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife. How is that not considered real, or true?
2) Mixed orientation marriages - Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc. Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa.
What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage. The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage. That commitment is more important than anything else.
3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife.
I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly. Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on. And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast.
In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women. Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on. And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together.
That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women. This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal. And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved. If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win. It is not even a contest.
Why is that? As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.” The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm. Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment.
4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself - How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself? Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself?
If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise? How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed? How do they know better than Josh Weed does?
What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man? Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife? And she him?
Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship. If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself?
To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore. Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits. Is this person being true to himself?
Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled. And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself.