Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2d – men getting fr

I really hate men having sex with me for free. To be fair, I am okay with it as long as I get dinner or some other benefit. For instance, my married Muslim friend from my first grad program not only always fed me dinner but also provided a quiet place for me to sleep. His apartment did not have nearly the same noise issues that my residence hall and subsequent apartments had, and it was such a relief not to be awakened as frequently. Also, he lived so close to campus that I could sleep in much later and still make it in time to any morning meetings.

Plus, I loved being able to talk with him about how much I like women and my frustrations in that arena. At the time he was one of the few friends in NYC I could talk to about liking girls.

“Dan,” the Filipino guy I was willing to help get a fiance visa, was more of a leech. Such a lazy and unmotivated person, but he has such beautiful children. I loved his family and I loved that his mother thought of me as a daughter, but I was really only willing to take a chance on him because of a free trip to the Philippines and the opportunity to have frequent group sex. And also to be far away from the United States, meaning, the chance of anyone finding out about our sexual adventures was slim.

And also, Dan had such beautiful children, though I still have no idea where they got their looks and intellect from, since, although I thought Dan was nice, I never thought he was attractive (though apparently all the Filipinas did), and certainly not smart!

I knew if we did have to get married I would love to help take care of his children, and since he would only be able to stay in the US because of me, I would be the one in charge, and I would get to see as many women as I wanted, and to be fair, he did try to find me women when we were together. So although he had sex with me for free, it was frequently with other girls, so I was okay with it.

And when his male friends would have sex with me, it was in group sex settings, and again, I was okay with it – I was so naïve, I thought enough group sex would get me to orgasm with a guy and then I wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  I look back on my thinking now and wonder how I ever could have believed that, but I did.  I also would have been okay getting pregnant by any of them (even though most of them were married or had girlfriends and I would have to be a single mother) because I felt my biological clock ticking and I’ve always thought Filipino children are so beautiful.

So I can’t begrudge those guys for having sex with me for free because I thought I would finally be getting an orgasm with a man, and maybe even a baby.

So most of the men who’ve had sex with me for free I am okay with. There are always reasons. But that Friday night at the swing club I was disgusted with myself for letting so many men have me for free.

And pretty much every swing party I’ve been to where I wasn’t getting paid, I let men have sex with me for free.  In most of the cases, it was because I was hoping to get a girl too, but the guys were single.  I thought if we had sex, then we could approach a couple together but it never worked out that way.

And I regret the times I’ve had one-night stands for free – again, I was always hoping for a threesome or to find a partner with whom I could pursue threesomes.  But that never happened.

I regret all those times having sex with men for free – whether at swing parties or at sex clubs or with single men alone. Men need to realize that we get nothing out of sex unless they pay us.

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