The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2d – men getting fr

I really hate men having sex with me for free. To be fair, I am okay with it as long as I get dinner or some other benefit. For instance, my married Muslim friend from my first grad program not only always fed me dinner but also provided a quiet place for me to sleep. His apartment did not have nearly the same noise issues that my residence hall and subsequent apartments had, and it was such a relief not to be awakened as frequently. Also, he lived so close to campus that I could sleep in much later and still make it in time to any morning meetings.

Plus, I loved being able to talk with him about how much I like women and my frustrations in that arena. At the time he was one of the few friends in NYC I could talk to about liking girls.

“Dan,” the Filipino guy I was willing to help get a fiance visa, was more of a leech. Such a lazy and unmotivated person, but he has such beautiful children. I loved his family and I loved that his mother thought of me as a daughter, but I was really only willing to take a chance on him because of a free trip to the Philippines and the opportunity to have frequent group sex. And also to be far away from the United States, meaning, the chance of anyone finding out about our sexual adventures was slim.

And also, Dan had such beautiful children, though I still have no idea where they got their looks and intellect from, since, although I thought Dan was nice, I never thought he was attractive (though apparently all the Filipinas did), and certainly not smart!

I knew if we did have to get married I would love to help take care of his children, and since he would only be able to stay in the US because of me, I would be the one in charge, and I would get to see as many women as I wanted, and to be fair, he did try to find me women when we were together. So although he had sex with me for free, it was frequently with other girls, so I was okay with it.

And when his male friends would have sex with me, it was in group sex settings, and again, I was okay with it – I was so naïve, I thought enough group sex would get me to orgasm with a guy and then I wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  I look back on my thinking now and wonder how I ever could have believed that, but I did.  I also would have been okay getting pregnant by any of them (even though most of them were married or had girlfriends and I would have to be a single mother) because I felt my biological clock ticking and I’ve always thought Filipino children are so beautiful.

So I can’t begrudge those guys for having sex with me for free because I thought I would finally be getting an orgasm with a man, and maybe even a baby.

So most of the men who’ve had sex with me for free I am okay with. There are always reasons. But that Friday night at the swing club I was disgusted with myself for letting so many men have me for free.

And pretty much every swing party I’ve been to where I wasn’t getting paid, I let men have sex with me for free.  In most of the cases, it was because I was hoping to get a girl too, but the guys were single.  I thought if we had sex, then we could approach a couple together but it never worked out that way.

And I regret the times I’ve had one-night stands for free – again, I was always hoping for a threesome or to find a partner with whom I could pursue threesomes.  But that never happened.

I regret all those times having sex with men for free – whether at swing parties or at sex clubs or with single men alone. Men need to realize that we get nothing out of sex unless they pay us.

(1/13/11) The Men Right Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2c – swing club men

Robert Hannibal occupied my mind and heart during the aforementioned Thanksgiving weekend. Although I was pretty sure he was married, I anxiously and foolishly awaited an email or text from him.

Friday night I was hanging out with one of my friends, “Persia,” and I was just feeling so enamored of Robert Hannibal that I told her all about him. I couldn’t keep my love and desire for him quiet and I wanted to share what I felt for him. I told her I was afraid he was married, but I told her a more sanitized version of how we met.

She was very open about this (a couple has actually been trying to get with her, although she has thus far refused) and so I told her I was thinking about going to a swing club that night.

(I did not tell Persia that I prefer girls – I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable around me, especially since she is so beautiful and I would love to even just kiss her, but I want to keep our friendship and don’t want to jeopardize it). So I just told her I needed to get my mind off Robert Hannibal and that’s why I was going.

In reality, I hoped to meet a good-looking couple with a woman who would want to continue alone with me at other times, or a nice-looking man who would be a “couple” with me to go to “couples-only” parties. This was my first time at this club, and apparently single women can always enter this club, but this night was a night they let single men enter as well.

I was so disappointed with the selection. I saw millions of men and a few unattractive and overweight women who were standing together in a group, and one couple. I was too worried to approach the couple as an obvious and desperate lesbian, and wished I had a man to do the approaching for me.

A harmless looking very tall white guy with glasses came over and started talking to me, and asked me to go in a back room with him, so we did. Curtains leading to the room were open so that people could watch, and as we were the first people to get started, we soon had a small crowd watching us. After the glasses guy and I finished, one of the men watching us tried to go in, and the glasses guy said he had to ask me first if he could enter the room.

Then something strange happened. I forgot that I had gone to this club to find a guy to be a “swing partner” with me, which the glasses guy very well could have been, and I started thinking I was working at Onie’s club. At Onie’s club, when a guy wants to “play” with us, we always say yes because that is what we are paid to do. So I let the guy in, and the glasses guy left, and when the second guy finished, there soon were four other guys I let in.

Fortunately, after the fourth guy, I heard a woman’s voice say to some men who were watching, “No, she likes it, go ahead and ask.” This woke me from my stupor and I pushed off the poor fifth guy who was on top of me, put on my clothes and rushed out to the exit.

And I realized that none of the guys had actually asked me if they could have sex with me.  They just saw me having sex and assumed they could have sex with me too.  At least at Onie’s club, the men ask.  

I angrily told the guy who runs the place that he needs more women, and he said the reason there were so many men was because Friday night was the only night men were allowed. He told me to come back on Saturday, because it was for couples-only and single women, and I shouldn’t have the same problem.

I was so mad at myself for letting all those men have sex with me for free. I felt like the club should give me a cut of their profits that night, but of course I couldn’t ask them to do so, considering it’s illegal.

And I was so mad because my original purpose in finding a guy to be my “swing partner” didn’t happen at all, and yet I let so many guys have me for free that night. Especially now that I know that I can really enjoy sex with a man, as long as the man is Robert Hannibal, I don’t want any man to have sex with me for free ever again. Unless it is Robert Hannibal, or my husband, and I was hoping the two would be one in the same.

(1/13/2011) - The Men I Was Dealing with Before Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2b – Craigslist Men)

In thinking about Robert Hannibal, which my mind loves doing, I thought that no matter what happens with him, the way I look at men has changed. Now that I really understood what it was like to be attracted to men, I didn’t think I could tolerate men the way I had done recently. I thought of some of the men I had recently been with and I didn’t think I would have patience to do it for free anymore.

For instance, early this past fall, when I decided I really wanted to have threesomes and try “swinging,” before I give up entirely on this life and become a fully-fledged and committed Mormon, I searched on Craigslist. Unfortunately, I still only ended up with men, not women.

My Craigslist searching for threesomes paralleled how, after my break-up with “Dee,” my first love that was actually returned, I scoured Craigslist looking for other girls to ease my break-up pain. Although I ended up meeting some good-looking and fun and cute girls, I discovered that many lied about their looks. Now, after looking for threesomes, I found that men lied also.

I had previously only looked for single women on CL, but since I knew I would end up returning fully to my Mormon church, and would thus not be able to have a girlfriend, I didn’t want to search for a girlfriend. I just wanted to have some NSA sex with women, but many lesbian or bi women on CL wanted a relationship or were simply too masculine for me.

Thus, I decided that finding CL threesomes would be the best way to get a feminine girl, and there would be no long-term consequences, so I could still go fully back into the Mormon church after about a year. Yet, even with this CL threesome searching, I ended up only with men, and I realized that “attractive” is a word people feel too free attach to themselves. But who do they think they are attracting?

There were several men I ended up corresponding with from Craigslist, and a few I met up with, unfortunately. One described himself as Italian and referenced a girl who was his “f—k-buddy” and so I imagined a good-looking Italian guy with a hot girl who would join us for threesomes. But no – he was scrawny and white, and I definitely think he lied about the girl “f—k-buddy” – she never appeared.

Another guy I met, “Jay,” described himself as an Orthodox Jew with handsome or attractive dark features – I can’t remember exactly, but he definitely made himself out to be good-looking. My married friend with whom I had a two-year affair in grad school was Muslim, and I thought it would be interesting to balance that out with an Orthodox Jew.

I was also interested in Jay politically, as I figured we could have great conversations – I love discussing politics and religion and world events, but I was also intrigued with how he described himself as physically dark. I was still hoping a man could get me to orgasm, especially since eventually I want to get married and have kids and a normal life, and I really have always thought only someone who was handsome with dark skin could do it to me.

When I met Jay, I realized he had a vastly different opinion of what handsome meant than I did, and also “dark” for him was simply very light olive skin. Most importantly, he neglected to mention his completely bald head. Baldness is the biggest turnoff for me. I wanted to walk away when I saw him but he had already spotted me.

After we talked, I decided it would be good to be his friend because immediately we had a good conversation about religion and politics, and he bought me food. We hung out several times and he always fed me and we always had great conversations.

We had such great conversations that we never touched, and I was so glad. Unfortunately, after I texted him once about a Jewish magazine, he texted me back asking if I was attracted to him. I didn’t know how to answer, because truthfully, I was not physically attracted to him at all.

But I really liked our conversations, and I thought I was learning a lot from him. I can’t really lie to other people about what I feel about them, but I wanted to still talk to him about politics and religion, so I texted back “yes.” I meant yes, I was attracted to the fact that we could talk so openly about politics and religion. But of course he thought I meant physically, so he texted me a very crude text having to do with me going down on him. I was so disgusted.

I told Jay I don’t do that, but I thought we would still have fun anyway. The next few times we hung out in his apartment he would make out with me and finger me (I never understand why guys do that, I actually hate being fingered by guys, and find it only okay with girls). Then finally he would feed me and we could talk about politics.

Jay never had sex with me, which I thought strange since he talked about how he was such a dominant man, and at first I thought that if he was so dominant he could get me to orgasm, but then I realized it would not happen. He was too physically unattractive to me. Our great conversations were one thing, but having no physical chemistry between us would prevent any sort of orgasm, I realized.

But after meeting Robert Hannibal, I really didn’t want to see Jay anymore. We still correspond occasionally via email, but I don’t feel any interest even politically anymore. I regret that I ever let Jay do anything to me.

With Robert Hannibal, I can talk about anything and everything and I love the person I’m talking to. I realized I couldn’t really settle for less. So I haven’t really heard from Jay in awhile, and I don’t miss him. But how I missed Robert Hannibal every single day!

The Men I Was Dealing with Before My First Date with Robert Hannibal (I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Part 2a) – January 13, 2

After Robert Hannibal told me his email address, I was, as I said, worried that he was married because the email address did not have his name in it, but the name Hannibal instead – “not Hannibal Lecter” - he didn’t want to scare me. He said his email referenced Hannibal the military leader, and I said, “yes, the one who went over the Alps with the elephants.” Robert Hannibal said he chose this name because Hannibal was “an African.” I had no idea that Hannibal the military commander was African – see how Robert Hannibal teaches me so much!

But knowing this was his email address, I was very concerned that he might be married. We just hugged good-bye when he walked me to the subway, he didn’t try to kiss me outside of the club where I worked (though inside, of course, he kissed me everywhere, and I even kissed him back! And I hate having guys kiss me. But I loved it with Robert Hannibal).

I went home still hopeful that he was single, or at least separated. Yet I knew I needed to keep my options open for a guy to be my “swing partner” for couples parties in case Robert Hannibal really was married and was not able to be a regular swing partner for me.

On Wednesday, he sent me an email telling me he would send me links to swing clubs “in a few days.” The email subject was “Good to see you again,” which made me happy, but given the fact that he wasn’t sending the links right away, I was certain he was married.

Therefore, I kept my “date” that night with a guy I had met at the club the week prior. He was Filipino, and he had been too shy to have sex at the club and I felt sorry for him, so I agreed to a dinner date even though I knew he would want sex after. I didn’t even expect him to pay for private sex with me because I felt so sorry for him. He was newly divorced but hadn’t had sex for a long time.

I told this Filipino guy via text after he asked me out, very apologetic about monopolizing my time, that he was “the only one at the club I wanted to have sex with” to ease him and calm him down.

But of course he didn’t understand that although I meant every single word, I didn’t mean it in the way normal people mean it when they say that phrase. I have to have sex with men at Onie’s club – that is my job. If I am going to have to have sex with men, I would rather have sex with men who are not old, preferably with dark skin and who aren’t hairy, and this Filipino guy was the only one the night I met him at the club who had all those characteristics.

We had dinner but it was hard to concentrate because the night before I’d been with Robert Hannibal at Onie’s club, and that day I had received Robert Hannibal’s email which led me to really think he was married. After dinner, I put off sex with the Filipino as long as I could, but finally I just let him do it, and it was good for him to break the ice, so to speak, after his many sexless months.

But I just kept thinking of Robert Hannibal and remembering how amazing he was at sex and hoping I was wrong about him being married.

How I Got into Being Paid to Swing– January 2, 2011

I have always been fascinated by the idea of group sex (I remember in elementary school seeing a photo in TV Guide, I believe, of the film “Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice” with all the characters in bed together, and I loved that idea).

Because I grew up being so attracted to women, I thought the only way to enjoy sex with a man was if women were there as well. I never actually got to try full-on group sex with women until I met “Dan,” and as I said in an earlier post, the only thing Dan and I had in common was group sex.

In August of 2010 it had been over two years since I’d had any orgies, and any women at all, and I was sorely missing them. On Craigslist I was looking for threesomes, but I am too scared to send my picture over the internet and never got anyone to respond when I answered their ads.

I decided that I should find a guy who also wanted a threesome and we could post our own ads, or even go as a couple to a swing club. But all of my hope for being with a woman just resulted in me being with men. I had such a fantasy of an all-women-orgy and I knew it was possible - I just needed to find it.

One night, after I had dinner with some of my church friends, I stayed a little behind and ventured off to a swing club. I had found some information via Craigslist about a club and there was a gay night on Saturdays. Because I’d been looking for women on CL, I had in my head that this would be an all-woman club, a lesbian club, but in hindsight I realize that if it was a lesbian club, it would have said “lesbian” not “gay.”

 At any rate, I showed up at the door and the doorman explained that this was a gay men’s party, and I was so disappointed. He told me that his boss also did swinger’s parties and ladies’ night parties, and he got my contact information so he could let me know when these parties would be happening.

For awhile I got frequent texts from him about different parties, but was never able to make it to them. Then I stopped hearing from him for awhile, and so I texted him to ask if they were still doing the swing and ladies’ night parties. Suddenly I received a call from the club’s promoter – I’ll call him “PR.” “PR” said the doorman told him I was pretty and PR said that there might be an opportunity for me to work at their parties.

We arranged for an interview right before I was on my way to go to a swing party I had found out about online which I was led to believe would have lots of women (though it was about equal men and women, most people there were very overweight – so not my type and so not attractive to me!!! But the hostess was decent and she went down on me and did a pretty good job).

In our “interview” PR told me that he and I would be the hosting couple, and so we would pretend like we were dating, meaning I would have to have sex with him and also with the other men of the couples who attended. I told him that was not a big deal for me, and told him a little about my hostess job I had my last semester of college. I also mentioned that I really prefer women and am not really attracted to a man and have definitely never orgasmed with a man. Of course he said he could change that (I really shouldn’t tell guys that – it’s not a contest to get me to orgasm).

So PR took me out a few times before I started working at the club, and we had sex twice (once in his storage facility – I thought if I had to pretend to be his girlfriend I had to have sex wherever he wanted).

I had so many school events the nights that the “swing” parties happened, so I wasn’t able to start working right away. But PR would call me and say things like, “this girl wants to eat you out so bad.” He also kept telling me we would have threesomes with him and his girlfriend (he’s also married but has a steady girlfriend – he told me his wife hadn’t slept with him for months). I was really looking forward to working at the club and I imagined all the women I would get to have.

That is not what happened. My first day of work was Nov. 2nd, election day, and PR introduced me as the hostess but there were no couples. The only other girls were those who worked there, like me. And there were tons of guys. And the regulars all wanted to have sex with me since I was the new girl. It was similar to my college hostess dancing work – when you were new, all the guys wanted you.

But it was definitely not my fantasy of hot couples and me being with so many hot and beautiful women. We workers were there to be partners with the men. Because the bed areas were open, often these times resulted in group sex, but it was usually me with a bunch of men around me, and only sometimes would the other girls be involved with us all at once. Or often the men would be shy, and would want to be with me in a more private area of the club.

The worst part was, after I got paid by “Onie,” the owner, I kept my cash in my bag and kept forgetting to take it to the bank. Eventually I completely misplaced the cash or it got stolen – but all my work that night was for nothing !

However, although PR greatly misled me about the true nature of the job and I quickly realized that PR had told me about all the couples and women to get me interested in the job, I didn’t quit. I’m still doing the job (and of course, I met Robert Hannibal here!).

I like having the extra money, first and foremost. A month of this work pays my rent, monthly metrocard, utilities, entertainment, and the rest goes into my savings account. This means all the salary I get at my day job goes straight to the bank. Given how expensive it is to live in New York, I feel like this night job is a true perk and is helping out the bottom line.

Also, similarly to how I ended up feeling compassion (while at the same time feeling disgust) for the men at my hostess dancing job in college, I feel the same for the men here. They just want to have a good time. I don’t do any work, really, because I just lay there. I let them do whatever they want to me (except, as always my rule always applies – no one is allowed to come on me anywhere).

It’s such easy money because I exert no energy. I don’t even make any sound. The men (and the other women workers) often ask me if I’m always so quiet in bed and the answer is yes. There is only one time where I've actually screamed - nearly ten years ago, when a girl I was dating (also named Polly but spelled Polli) was going down on me. I was so loud that my next-door neighbors banged on the wall – one of my all-time embarrassing moments.

But with men, no sound, no emotion, but no problem, either. I let them have a good time, and I get paid for it.

*The next day I apologized to my neighbor for the noise, but outright lied and told my neighbor that my newlywed friends had spent the night in my apartment – why did I even say anything?  I’m a horrible liar so I know she saw right through me.  In fact, that it was the last time I have outright lied (about something other than my age or weight) to anyone. My face is just too vocal and I really can’t get my mouth to say an outright lie. That lie to my neighbor was the last time. Now, lies of omission have always been very common for me, especially when I didn’t want someone to know I was dating girls or doing prostitution or going to swing parties, or I didn’t want to reveal my age or weight, and again, I admit that I still outright lie to hide my age or weight if don’t want the person to know, but I can’t outright lie about anything else. 

I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Robert Hannibal, Part 1– January 13, 2011

My first night of work at this club, as I said earlier, was Nov. 2, 2010 – Election Day.  As I said, my expectation of hot couples and girls did not materialize, and I was left with only men.  As the new girl, I was surrounded by men, and after about an hour and a half “PR” came over to me.  He hugged me and lifted me up and kissed me and asked how my first night of work was going.  I told him I was frustrated because I’d already had sex with seven guys that night and there weren’t any women except for the other women working at Onie’s.  PR told me I should slow down and pace myself, and that there weren’t always couples every night.

Then I started talking with “Mississippi,” one of the other women working at Onie’s, and asked her where all the couples were.  She said there weren’t usually couples, that this party was usually just for single men.   I felt angry and misled by PR.  Mississippi  told me to just find the men I found most attractive and have sex with them.  “But I don’t like men!” I told her.

Then I laid down on one of the beds, and one man caught my eye.  To my surprise, I was attracted to him, and I wanted him to have sex with me.   That had never happened before.

If I were in a different situation, I wonder if I would have wanted him to have sex with me.  Given that I was paid to have sex with these men, I naturally wanted to choose the better-looking men, since I had to be with someone regardless. But this man just stood out to me, somehow.  I’ve always felt I would marry a dark-skinned man, with some sort of brown skin color, but I wasn’t sure what race, and have never been able to see myself being attracted to a white man or a black man.  This man was brown-skinned, and he seemed to me to be a cross between an Islander and/or a Polynesian man.  More importantly, he just seemed so handsome and yes, sexy, to me.  That word never appeared in the same sentence as a man before.

As if in a movie, our eyes met across the room and he came over to where I was and we started talking.  We had rapport immediately, and when I told him I was getting my Master’s in Journalism at Columbia, he smiled and said he went to Dartmouth for undergrad.  He asked if this was my first time at a sex party, and I told him no, I’d gone to sex parties before, and that my previous relationship with Dan was interesting because the only thing we had in common was that we both liked orgies.  This man asked why I like orgies so much and I told him sex with men was boring.  I told him the best sex was in an orgy.  I told him I didn’t really like men, but preferred women, but in an orgy setting, I could have sex with men because it wasn’t as boring as being alone with a man.

We started kissing and having sex, and with this man, “Robert Hannibal,” I felt like I was finally feeling what all the “sex” fuss was about.  I didn’t come or get even close to orgasm, but I loved being with him.  I loved every single moment.  I didn’t want it to end.  That is so different from my usual thoughts during sex, because usually I am wishing the guy would hurry up and come already.  That is the constant refrain going through my mind when I am having sex.  But not with Robert Hannibal. 

After we had sex and while I was having sex with another guy, Robert Hannibal continued to talk with me, and the other men around us were amazed that I was able to carry on a conversation while being pounded, but for me, it’s not that difficult.  Then Robert Hannibal had sex with me again, and it was just as amazing.  The other men asked me and Robert Hannibal how long we  had known each other and everyone laughed when we told them we had just met that night.  That was the first time I have ever experienced attraction and chemistry with a man, and the fact that it was instant made it even more amazing for me.   

Then a long-haired guy, who’d had sex with me earlier, started going down on me and ended up with a condom in his mouth.  Robert Hannibal realized, as the last man who’d had sex with me before this guy, that the condom was his.  He, very seriously, told me, “that’s my condom, I’m sorry.  I’ll help to take care of anything,” and I knew he meant an abortion.   Because I was far enough along in my cycle, I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant, but I felt a twinge of sadness.  Here was a man I would actually like to get pregnant with – a smart, handsome man, and yet I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant by him. At least not at this time.

I told him, “Don’t worry, I won’t be pregnant, but I’m clean.  Are you clean?” And he said he was, and so I told him everything was fine.  Then the other guy pulled me down and kept going down on me all over, but I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal.  I have usually used protection, but remembered the two pregnancy scares I had had – one with Dan, from the Philippines, where I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant, but in reality, I was just messed up from being on the Pill for so long and manipulating it.  

And I remembered another guy I had a one-night stand with – that I had hoped would be a threesome, or would lead to a threesome, but didn’t.  And the thought of being pregnant by that guy was terrifying to me because I didn’t want a baby by him.  At that time, I had missed the five day window for Plan B, and was seriously going to get an abortion if I ended up not getting my period.  But luckily my period arrived soon after, and I wasn’t pregnant by that guy.   But now I’d met a guy I actually wanted to get pregnant by!

After the long-haired guy finished going down on me, Robert Hannibal made a joke about the porn that was showing and I told him I’d rather just see girl-on-girl porn and he told me that sometimes Onie showed it and he would check on that.  He went to ask PR about the porn and a couple other guys had sex with me during that time.

Then  I took a break and went to the restroom.  As I was leaving the restroom, Robert Hannibal asked me if I was interested in art and told me about an art show that was happening the next day, but I told him I had school and couldn’t make it. I didn’t even think to give him my contact information even so.  

I continued my job, having sex with a couple more guys, and noticed Robert Hannibal wasn’t there anymore.  I asked PR where he was (and that was when I realized Robert Hannibal had never told me his name!).  But PR said, “Rob? The guy you were with earlier two times?  He left.”  I was very upset but tried to cover up my hurt by saying, “he was supposed to tell me about some girl-on-girl porn that you guys sometimes show!  How could he leave without telling me that?”  PR said, “Oh, he did ask about that porn but I told him I didn’t think we have it anymore.  He’s a regular, he should know that.”  Because PR called him a regular, I knew I would see him again, and Robert Hannibal had made several references to the fact that he frequently attended Onie’s parties.  The next few times at work, I didn’t see him, and was so busy at work I didn’t have much time to think about him, though he was always in the back of my mind.  

But then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he was there.  I was so excited to see him again, but before I could do anything one of the older white women, “Kayla,” who is in her mid-40’s, grabbed him.  One of the unwritten rules is that we don’t intercept when one of the other girls has chosen a guy – we may join them in a threesome if it’s cool with both of them, but we don’t try to take the guy away.  So all I could do was watch as she gave him a hand job and a blow job and then had sex with him.  I was so angry.  Normally I like Kayla, but I almost hated her then.  I didn’t want to be with anyone else, even though it was my job to do so.  It became too painful to watch Robert Hannibal’s face or body, so my eyes turned to his feet – when they shook, I knew he was having a full-body orgasm.

When Kayla and Robert Hannibal were done, they sat down by me and my face is so vocal I cannot hide my emotions.  I put my head in my hand because watching the two of them together had truly given me a headache.  Kayla kept asking me what was wrong, and I said I was tired, but in reality, I just wanted to talk with Robert Hannibal.  

Finally, Robert Hannibal started talking to me, and our ease of conversation continued just as if we had seen each other recently.  He talked about how he was so lazy for Thanksgiving he was “ordering in,” and I laughed, saying “that is really lazy!”  How I hoped he was single!  If he was married or had a girlfriend, surely he wouldn’t be ordering in on Thanksgiving!  He sat closer to me, and asked how I was doing, calling me, “Miss Journalism.”

He asked if I wanted to “play” and I said of course, and then he was so cute – he said he got shy, and I asked him, laughingly, “why are you shy?” Then I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the bed against the wall.  At first we just lay there, him facing me and me lying on my right side.  Kayla came over and put her arm around him, saying to him and gesturing to me, “Isn’t she beautiful?” and he stroked my hips and the outside of my left leg and said, without looking at her and keeping his eyes on me, “she’s lovely.”  

Then we began having sex  and once again it was an amazing experience.  I don’t know what it is he does differently but somehow he is worlds away from any other guy in the bedroom.  PR, the promoter came by and said, “you two are making love,” and he kissed my breast then walked away.  PR always tries to cop a feel when we are with any guy, and I didn’t want him ruining my time with Robert Hannibal so I just ignored him.  There are jokes at the club that we are not there to make love, only to have sex, but with Robert Hannibal, I really do feel that we are making love. 

When he finished, he smiled and said, “You’re fabulous.”  But I’m not. I don’t do anything during sex.  But it’s a different way of not doing anything when I’m with Robert Hannibal than not doing anything with other guys.  Whereas with other guys I am literally bored and feel like a board, in every sense, being nailed, with Robert Hannibal I am moving with him – we really are two bodies joining as one.  I never felt that with any man before, and with only a few women.  We are really dancing together in sex.  I follow his lead, which is ironic because in true partner dances I’ve never been able to follow the lead.  But with Robert Hannibal, it feels so natural – I want to be wherever he is. 

Laying in bed, he talked with me about “real” swing clubs, where you have to be a couple to get in, and he told me about a fancy one that intrigued me so much.  He said he knew of quite a few that were high class and he would email me the links.  I told him I could get in trouble if I gave out my contact information, so he memorized my email address.  He told me we would go to one of the clubs together.  My excitement surged.  I have never so eagerly anticipated a date before, with a man or woman.  Never. 

He mentioned it was getting late and that he would have to go, and I asked if he could stay til 11.  I told him I have to stay til 11, and if he leaves then I’d have to be with some other guy, but as long as he stayed and I stayed with him, then I’d be fine.  He told me he’d stay with me. Then, when it was 11pm and my shift was over, he walked me to the subway and told me his email address.  I knew right away this email address was not the one he used for friends and family, and I was worried he might be married. 

Now, I’ve been with many married men before.  But I’ve never been in love with any of them, never been in love with any man before.   I’ve never even really been attracted to a man before.  But this man was so attractive.  So handsome and intelligent and funny and kind and attractive! My thoughts never dwelled on a man before.  My heart never rose up for a man before.  And I realized that I was falling in love with Robert Hannibal.

Orgies and World Peace – Part 3

My favorite situation is having several people involved with me at once while I lay down (unless there are hot women – then I like being more active).  These situations have occurred at this club where I recently started working – I get paid to have sex with the guys in “orgy” settings.   Most of the guys don’t know we women are getting paid, and there are only four or five of us women working at a time.  Usually, when I have several people on me at once at this club, it is other men who are on me/in me.  But recently, I had an experience with three other women (who all work at the club with me) and only two men.   That I really enjoyed.

My first few nights of work at this club, I started thinking about orgies and world peace.  Once I was laying down with several men involved with me, some white, some Latin, some black, and two Hasidic Jews.  When one of the black men was inside me, one of the white men said that my skin (I’m white) looked really cool against his dark black skin.  Another white man told one of the other black men that he had heard black men were big, but he had never seen a black man’s [sex organ] before until that night.  There was no jealousy – just acknowledgement.  And no race or cultural barrier – just enjoyment of sex (and me).

I observed that the men were very respectful of each other and of me, never demanding me to do anything I didn’t want to do (though certainly much asking! But they accepted my refusal to do hand-jobs and/or blow-jobs).  The men, concerned that Hasidic Jews were very strict in sexual matters, and attending this club was a chance for them to fully enjoy and release themselves (not sure if that’s true, though), made sure to give the Hasidic Jews plenty of time with my body.  All the guys were getting along so well that I just lay there and thought that this is how the world needs to operate – with respect and understanding.

In my sex work experiences, I usually enjoy my conversations with these men – they’re all very nice people. Many of them are married or have girlfriends, and express to me their frustration that their significant others don’t want a part of this swinging or orgy life.  I think it’s sad – I think their relationship would strengthen if both participated in swinging and group sex.  There wouldn’t be cheating or lying – if the couple swings together, it’s all in the open.

Even we women who work at the club get along – we all know we are there to work and make sure the men leave satisfied, but since we don’t get paid per customer, there is no jealousy.  In fact, we are very supportive of each other, and as I related earlier, the best times are when we are all together sexually.

I actually find our getting paid to have sex with the men analogous to women dating and marrying men for stability and security.  Getting actual cash or a roof over your head is basically the same thing.

Would women stop being jealous of other women if they could enjoy each other sexually?  Yes! I am positive of that.  Orgies provide a perfect opportunity for women to appreciate each other as women.

Both men and women can be sexually pleased in orgies and communicate with other men and women at the same time.  I have not really seen any jealousy – just appreciation and arousal.

On the whole, an orgy is an uplifting experience and brings people closer together.  Although orgies are sexual, those involved are not reduced to sex objects.  On the contrary, personhood is deepened when you commune with others sexually – boundaries are transcended and friendships forged.

I wish orgies and swinging were more accepted, and to go on a slight tangent, that sex work was legal. When I finished college and got involved in sex work, I was ashamed to let anyone know about the true nature of my work, but I was angry that I felt I had to be ashamed – I felt the world needed to catch up with my attitude that if men want to pay for sex, they should be allowed to, as long as the woman is above age and willing, and the woman herself should not be stigmatized.

However, now that I am older and wiser, I would have no problem seeing anyone from the club out in public – I would smile and say hi and ask how he is doing – and really mean it.

When I consider the variety of races and religions of the men I’ve had sex with at these orgies, and how the men all got along, united in a common pursuit of sexual pleasure, I think of the potential for peace, and how easy it could be to achieve.

Despite all our differences (and differences are fine! Differences make us human and don’t need to divide us – we don’t want to be identical robots), we can all learn to value each other and bond with each other if we all join in an orgy together.

Wouldn’t we then regard each other with more kindness, having witnessed each other naked, at our most vulnerable, at our most present, in the height of ecstasy?  Vulnerability is key to openness, to understanding, to empathy, and in an orgy we all see each other at our most vulnerable.

World peace – just an orgy away.