How I Got into Being Paid to Swing– January 2, 2011

I have always been fascinated by the idea of group sex (I remember in elementary school seeing a photo in TV Guide, I believe, of the film “Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice” with all the characters in bed together, and I loved that idea).

Because I grew up being so attracted to women, I thought the only way to enjoy sex with a man was if women were there as well. I never actually got to try full-on group sex with women until I met “Dan,” and as I said in an earlier post, the only thing Dan and I had in common was group sex.

In August of 2010 it had been over two years since I’d had any orgies, and any women at all, and I was sorely missing them. On Craigslist I was looking for threesomes, but I am too scared to send my picture over the internet and never got anyone to respond when I answered their ads.

I decided that I should find a guy who also wanted a threesome and we could post our own ads, or even go as a couple to a swing club. But all of my hope for being with a woman just resulted in me being with men. I had such a fantasy of an all-women-orgy and I knew it was possible - I just needed to find it.

One night, after I had dinner with some of my church friends, I stayed a little behind and ventured off to a swing club. I had found some information via Craigslist about a club and there was a gay night on Saturdays. Because I’d been looking for women on CL, I had in my head that this would be an all-woman club, a lesbian club, but in hindsight I realize that if it was a lesbian club, it would have said “lesbian” not “gay.”

 At any rate, I showed up at the door and the doorman explained that this was a gay men’s party, and I was so disappointed. He told me that his boss also did swinger’s parties and ladies’ night parties, and he got my contact information so he could let me know when these parties would be happening.

For awhile I got frequent texts from him about different parties, but was never able to make it to them. Then I stopped hearing from him for awhile, and so I texted him to ask if they were still doing the swing and ladies’ night parties. Suddenly I received a call from the club’s promoter – I’ll call him “PR.” “PR” said the doorman told him I was pretty and PR said that there might be an opportunity for me to work at their parties.

We arranged for an interview right before I was on my way to go to a swing party I had found out about online which I was led to believe would have lots of women (though it was about equal men and women, most people there were very overweight – so not my type and so not attractive to me!!! But the hostess was decent and she went down on me and did a pretty good job).

In our “interview” PR told me that he and I would be the hosting couple, and so we would pretend like we were dating, meaning I would have to have sex with him and also with the other men of the couples who attended. I told him that was not a big deal for me, and told him a little about my hostess job I had my last semester of college. I also mentioned that I really prefer women and am not really attracted to a man and have definitely never orgasmed with a man. Of course he said he could change that (I really shouldn’t tell guys that – it’s not a contest to get me to orgasm).

So PR took me out a few times before I started working at the club, and we had sex twice (once in his storage facility – I thought if I had to pretend to be his girlfriend I had to have sex wherever he wanted).

I had so many school events the nights that the “swing” parties happened, so I wasn’t able to start working right away. But PR would call me and say things like, “this girl wants to eat you out so bad.” He also kept telling me we would have threesomes with him and his girlfriend (he’s also married but has a steady girlfriend – he told me his wife hadn’t slept with him for months). I was really looking forward to working at the club and I imagined all the women I would get to have.

That is not what happened. My first day of work was Nov. 2nd, election day, and PR introduced me as the hostess but there were no couples. The only other girls were those who worked there, like me. And there were tons of guys. And the regulars all wanted to have sex with me since I was the new girl. It was similar to my college hostess dancing work – when you were new, all the guys wanted you.

But it was definitely not my fantasy of hot couples and me being with so many hot and beautiful women. We workers were there to be partners with the men. Because the bed areas were open, often these times resulted in group sex, but it was usually me with a bunch of men around me, and only sometimes would the other girls be involved with us all at once. Or often the men would be shy, and would want to be with me in a more private area of the club.

The worst part was, after I got paid by “Onie,” the owner, I kept my cash in my bag and kept forgetting to take it to the bank. Eventually I completely misplaced the cash or it got stolen – but all my work that night was for nothing !

However, although PR greatly misled me about the true nature of the job and I quickly realized that PR had told me about all the couples and women to get me interested in the job, I didn’t quit. I’m still doing the job (and of course, I met Robert Hannibal here!).

I like having the extra money, first and foremost. A month of this work pays my rent, monthly metrocard, utilities, entertainment, and the rest goes into my savings account. This means all the salary I get at my day job goes straight to the bank. Given how expensive it is to live in New York, I feel like this night job is a true perk and is helping out the bottom line.

Also, similarly to how I ended up feeling compassion (while at the same time feeling disgust) for the men at my hostess dancing job in college, I feel the same for the men here. They just want to have a good time. I don’t do any work, really, because I just lay there. I let them do whatever they want to me (except, as always my rule always applies – no one is allowed to come on me anywhere).

It’s such easy money because I exert no energy. I don’t even make any sound. The men (and the other women workers) often ask me if I’m always so quiet in bed and the answer is yes. There is only one time where I've actually screamed - nearly ten years ago, when a girl I was dating (also named Polly but spelled Polli) was going down on me. I was so loud that my next-door neighbors banged on the wall – one of my all-time embarrassing moments.

But with men, no sound, no emotion, but no problem, either. I let them have a good time, and I get paid for it.

*The next day I apologized to my neighbor for the noise, but outright lied and told my neighbor that my newlywed friends had spent the night in my apartment – why did I even say anything?  I’m a horrible liar so I know she saw right through me.  In fact, that it was the last time I have outright lied (about something other than my age or weight) to anyone. My face is just too vocal and I really can’t get my mouth to say an outright lie. That lie to my neighbor was the last time. Now, lies of omission have always been very common for me, especially when I didn’t want someone to know I was dating girls or doing prostitution or going to swing parties, or I didn’t want to reveal my age or weight, and again, I admit that I still outright lie to hide my age or weight if don’t want the person to know, but I can’t outright lie about anything else. 

I am in Love with a Man for the First Time in My Life – Robert Hannibal, Part 1– January 13, 2011

My first night of work at this club, as I said earlier, was Nov. 2, 2010 – Election Day.  As I said, my expectation of hot couples and girls did not materialize, and I was left with only men.  As the new girl, I was surrounded by men, and after about an hour and a half “PR” came over to me.  He hugged me and lifted me up and kissed me and asked how my first night of work was going.  I told him I was frustrated because I’d already had sex with seven guys that night and there weren’t any women except for the other women working at Onie’s.  PR told me I should slow down and pace myself, and that there weren’t always couples every night.

Then I started talking with “Mississippi,” one of the other women working at Onie’s, and asked her where all the couples were.  She said there weren’t usually couples, that this party was usually just for single men.   I felt angry and misled by PR.  Mississippi  told me to just find the men I found most attractive and have sex with them.  “But I don’t like men!” I told her.

Then I laid down on one of the beds, and one man caught my eye.  To my surprise, I was attracted to him, and I wanted him to have sex with me.   That had never happened before.

If I were in a different situation, I wonder if I would have wanted him to have sex with me.  Given that I was paid to have sex with these men, I naturally wanted to choose the better-looking men, since I had to be with someone regardless. But this man just stood out to me, somehow.  I’ve always felt I would marry a dark-skinned man, with some sort of brown skin color, but I wasn’t sure what race, and have never been able to see myself being attracted to a white man or a black man.  This man was brown-skinned, and he seemed to me to be a cross between an Islander and/or a Polynesian man.  More importantly, he just seemed so handsome and yes, sexy, to me.  That word never appeared in the same sentence as a man before.

As if in a movie, our eyes met across the room and he came over to where I was and we started talking.  We had rapport immediately, and when I told him I was getting my Master’s in Journalism at Columbia, he smiled and said he went to Dartmouth for undergrad.  He asked if this was my first time at a sex party, and I told him no, I’d gone to sex parties before, and that my previous relationship with Dan was interesting because the only thing we had in common was that we both liked orgies.  This man asked why I like orgies so much and I told him sex with men was boring.  I told him the best sex was in an orgy.  I told him I didn’t really like men, but preferred women, but in an orgy setting, I could have sex with men because it wasn’t as boring as being alone with a man.

We started kissing and having sex, and with this man, “Robert Hannibal,” I felt like I was finally feeling what all the “sex” fuss was about.  I didn’t come or get even close to orgasm, but I loved being with him.  I loved every single moment.  I didn’t want it to end.  That is so different from my usual thoughts during sex, because usually I am wishing the guy would hurry up and come already.  That is the constant refrain going through my mind when I am having sex.  But not with Robert Hannibal. 

After we had sex and while I was having sex with another guy, Robert Hannibal continued to talk with me, and the other men around us were amazed that I was able to carry on a conversation while being pounded, but for me, it’s not that difficult.  Then Robert Hannibal had sex with me again, and it was just as amazing.  The other men asked me and Robert Hannibal how long we  had known each other and everyone laughed when we told them we had just met that night.  That was the first time I have ever experienced attraction and chemistry with a man, and the fact that it was instant made it even more amazing for me.   

Then a long-haired guy, who’d had sex with me earlier, started going down on me and ended up with a condom in his mouth.  Robert Hannibal realized, as the last man who’d had sex with me before this guy, that the condom was his.  He, very seriously, told me, “that’s my condom, I’m sorry.  I’ll help to take care of anything,” and I knew he meant an abortion.   Because I was far enough along in my cycle, I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant, but I felt a twinge of sadness.  Here was a man I would actually like to get pregnant with – a smart, handsome man, and yet I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant by him. At least not at this time.

I told him, “Don’t worry, I won’t be pregnant, but I’m clean.  Are you clean?” And he said he was, and so I told him everything was fine.  Then the other guy pulled me down and kept going down on me all over, but I kept thinking about Robert Hannibal.  I have usually used protection, but remembered the two pregnancy scares I had had – one with Dan, from the Philippines, where I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant, but in reality, I was just messed up from being on the Pill for so long and manipulating it.  

And I remembered another guy I had a one-night stand with – that I had hoped would be a threesome, or would lead to a threesome, but didn’t.  And the thought of being pregnant by that guy was terrifying to me because I didn’t want a baby by him.  At that time, I had missed the five day window for Plan B, and was seriously going to get an abortion if I ended up not getting my period.  But luckily my period arrived soon after, and I wasn’t pregnant by that guy.   But now I’d met a guy I actually wanted to get pregnant by!

After the long-haired guy finished going down on me, Robert Hannibal made a joke about the porn that was showing and I told him I’d rather just see girl-on-girl porn and he told me that sometimes Onie showed it and he would check on that.  He went to ask PR about the porn and a couple other guys had sex with me during that time.

Then  I took a break and went to the restroom.  As I was leaving the restroom, Robert Hannibal asked me if I was interested in art and told me about an art show that was happening the next day, but I told him I had school and couldn’t make it. I didn’t even think to give him my contact information even so.  

I continued my job, having sex with a couple more guys, and noticed Robert Hannibal wasn’t there anymore.  I asked PR where he was (and that was when I realized Robert Hannibal had never told me his name!).  But PR said, “Rob? The guy you were with earlier two times?  He left.”  I was very upset but tried to cover up my hurt by saying, “he was supposed to tell me about some girl-on-girl porn that you guys sometimes show!  How could he leave without telling me that?”  PR said, “Oh, he did ask about that porn but I told him I didn’t think we have it anymore.  He’s a regular, he should know that.”  Because PR called him a regular, I knew I would see him again, and Robert Hannibal had made several references to the fact that he frequently attended Onie’s parties.  The next few times at work, I didn’t see him, and was so busy at work I didn’t have much time to think about him, though he was always in the back of my mind.  

But then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he was there.  I was so excited to see him again, but before I could do anything one of the older white women, “Kayla,” who is in her mid-40’s, grabbed him.  One of the unwritten rules is that we don’t intercept when one of the other girls has chosen a guy – we may join them in a threesome if it’s cool with both of them, but we don’t try to take the guy away.  So all I could do was watch as she gave him a hand job and a blow job and then had sex with him.  I was so angry.  Normally I like Kayla, but I almost hated her then.  I didn’t want to be with anyone else, even though it was my job to do so.  It became too painful to watch Robert Hannibal’s face or body, so my eyes turned to his feet – when they shook, I knew he was having a full-body orgasm.

When Kayla and Robert Hannibal were done, they sat down by me and my face is so vocal I cannot hide my emotions.  I put my head in my hand because watching the two of them together had truly given me a headache.  Kayla kept asking me what was wrong, and I said I was tired, but in reality, I just wanted to talk with Robert Hannibal.  

Finally, Robert Hannibal started talking to me, and our ease of conversation continued just as if we had seen each other recently.  He talked about how he was so lazy for Thanksgiving he was “ordering in,” and I laughed, saying “that is really lazy!”  How I hoped he was single!  If he was married or had a girlfriend, surely he wouldn’t be ordering in on Thanksgiving!  He sat closer to me, and asked how I was doing, calling me, “Miss Journalism.”

He asked if I wanted to “play” and I said of course, and then he was so cute – he said he got shy, and I asked him, laughingly, “why are you shy?” Then I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the bed against the wall.  At first we just lay there, him facing me and me lying on my right side.  Kayla came over and put her arm around him, saying to him and gesturing to me, “Isn’t she beautiful?” and he stroked my hips and the outside of my left leg and said, without looking at her and keeping his eyes on me, “she’s lovely.”  

Then we began having sex  and once again it was an amazing experience.  I don’t know what it is he does differently but somehow he is worlds away from any other guy in the bedroom.  PR, the promoter came by and said, “you two are making love,” and he kissed my breast then walked away.  PR always tries to cop a feel when we are with any guy, and I didn’t want him ruining my time with Robert Hannibal so I just ignored him.  There are jokes at the club that we are not there to make love, only to have sex, but with Robert Hannibal, I really do feel that we are making love. 

When he finished, he smiled and said, “You’re fabulous.”  But I’m not. I don’t do anything during sex.  But it’s a different way of not doing anything when I’m with Robert Hannibal than not doing anything with other guys.  Whereas with other guys I am literally bored and feel like a board, in every sense, being nailed, with Robert Hannibal I am moving with him – we really are two bodies joining as one.  I never felt that with any man before, and with only a few women.  We are really dancing together in sex.  I follow his lead, which is ironic because in true partner dances I’ve never been able to follow the lead.  But with Robert Hannibal, it feels so natural – I want to be wherever he is. 

Laying in bed, he talked with me about “real” swing clubs, where you have to be a couple to get in, and he told me about a fancy one that intrigued me so much.  He said he knew of quite a few that were high class and he would email me the links.  I told him I could get in trouble if I gave out my contact information, so he memorized my email address.  He told me we would go to one of the clubs together.  My excitement surged.  I have never so eagerly anticipated a date before, with a man or woman.  Never. 

He mentioned it was getting late and that he would have to go, and I asked if he could stay til 11.  I told him I have to stay til 11, and if he leaves then I’d have to be with some other guy, but as long as he stayed and I stayed with him, then I’d be fine.  He told me he’d stay with me. Then, when it was 11pm and my shift was over, he walked me to the subway and told me his email address.  I knew right away this email address was not the one he used for friends and family, and I was worried he might be married. 

Now, I’ve been with many married men before.  But I’ve never been in love with any of them, never been in love with any man before.   I’ve never even really been attracted to a man before.  But this man was so attractive.  So handsome and intelligent and funny and kind and attractive! My thoughts never dwelled on a man before.  My heart never rose up for a man before.  And I realized that I was falling in love with Robert Hannibal.

Orgies and World Peace – Part 3

My favorite situation is having several people involved with me at once while I lay down (unless there are hot women – then I like being more active).  These situations have occurred at this club where I recently started working – I get paid to have sex with the guys in “orgy” settings.   Most of the guys don’t know we women are getting paid, and there are only four or five of us women working at a time.  Usually, when I have several people on me at once at this club, it is other men who are on me/in me.  But recently, I had an experience with three other women (who all work at the club with me) and only two men.   That I really enjoyed.

My first few nights of work at this club, I started thinking about orgies and world peace.  Once I was laying down with several men involved with me, some white, some Latin, some black, and two Hasidic Jews.  When one of the black men was inside me, one of the white men said that my skin (I’m white) looked really cool against his dark black skin.  Another white man told one of the other black men that he had heard black men were big, but he had never seen a black man’s [sex organ] before until that night.  There was no jealousy – just acknowledgement.  And no race or cultural barrier – just enjoyment of sex (and me).

I observed that the men were very respectful of each other and of me, never demanding me to do anything I didn’t want to do (though certainly much asking! But they accepted my refusal to do hand-jobs and/or blow-jobs).  The men, concerned that Hasidic Jews were very strict in sexual matters, and attending this club was a chance for them to fully enjoy and release themselves (not sure if that’s true, though), made sure to give the Hasidic Jews plenty of time with my body.  All the guys were getting along so well that I just lay there and thought that this is how the world needs to operate – with respect and understanding.

In my sex work experiences, I usually enjoy my conversations with these men – they’re all very nice people. Many of them are married or have girlfriends, and express to me their frustration that their significant others don’t want a part of this swinging or orgy life.  I think it’s sad – I think their relationship would strengthen if both participated in swinging and group sex.  There wouldn’t be cheating or lying – if the couple swings together, it’s all in the open.

Even we women who work at the club get along – we all know we are there to work and make sure the men leave satisfied, but since we don’t get paid per customer, there is no jealousy.  In fact, we are very supportive of each other, and as I related earlier, the best times are when we are all together sexually.

I actually find our getting paid to have sex with the men analogous to women dating and marrying men for stability and security.  Getting actual cash or a roof over your head is basically the same thing.

Would women stop being jealous of other women if they could enjoy each other sexually?  Yes! I am positive of that.  Orgies provide a perfect opportunity for women to appreciate each other as women.

Both men and women can be sexually pleased in orgies and communicate with other men and women at the same time.  I have not really seen any jealousy – just appreciation and arousal.

On the whole, an orgy is an uplifting experience and brings people closer together.  Although orgies are sexual, those involved are not reduced to sex objects.  On the contrary, personhood is deepened when you commune with others sexually – boundaries are transcended and friendships forged.

I wish orgies and swinging were more accepted, and to go on a slight tangent, that sex work was legal. When I finished college and got involved in sex work, I was ashamed to let anyone know about the true nature of my work, but I was angry that I felt I had to be ashamed – I felt the world needed to catch up with my attitude that if men want to pay for sex, they should be allowed to, as long as the woman is above age and willing, and the woman herself should not be stigmatized.

However, now that I am older and wiser, I would have no problem seeing anyone from the club out in public – I would smile and say hi and ask how he is doing – and really mean it.

When I consider the variety of races and religions of the men I’ve had sex with at these orgies, and how the men all got along, united in a common pursuit of sexual pleasure, I think of the potential for peace, and how easy it could be to achieve.

Despite all our differences (and differences are fine! Differences make us human and don’t need to divide us – we don’t want to be identical robots), we can all learn to value each other and bond with each other if we all join in an orgy together.

Wouldn’t we then regard each other with more kindness, having witnessed each other naked, at our most vulnerable, at our most present, in the height of ecstasy?  Vulnerability is key to openness, to understanding, to empathy, and in an orgy we all see each other at our most vulnerable.

World peace – just an orgy away.

Orgies and World Peace – Part 2

Continuing with the theme of orgies and world peace, I will relate a few of the many positive aspects of structured orgies. 

The structured orgies I have participated in have been at sex parties or swing clubs.  I use the term orgy loosely here – with the spontaneous orgies, we had a large group of people all on one bed, usually several people all involved at once with only a few watching.  Structured orgies (in my experience) involve fewer people, and often not more than eight people are all involved at once.  Many more watch.

However, the structured orgies at both swing clubs and private sex parties have rules.  Ask before you touch.  No means no.  Respect others at all times.  At the clubs and parties I’ve gone to, people follow the rules and everyone has a good time.  Also, swing clubs and parties require payment, so there is a certain value or exchange expected.  Most people leave satisfied, I think, though I only left satisfied if I got to have a chance with at least one other woman.

In these clubs and parties, there are rooms designated for couples only, for watching, and some private rooms where you can lock the door.  Most have big open spaces where everyone can be together, but I’ve only seen true orgies (in my opinion) at parties where there is a literal orgy room with dozens of people and everyone could be and was involved with everyone. 

These clubs and parties are great because every room is designated for something different, so you know what to do and you know what is expected.  People (usually couples) walk around in towels (naked underneath) and go to different rooms or open spaces, depending on what they want at the time. Each party/club is different and has its own vibe, but I appreciate having a variety of different experiences.  

Plus, there is a certain bonding you do with other people when you are in towels or naked.  Any cultural or social barrier is removed and you can all interact in open and fresh ways.  People from all walks of life that you might never have met otherwise go to these clubs.  

I used to think the gym was the great equalizer – everyone’s sweaty, everyone’s trying to get fit/strong, everyone’s trying to improve their health/body, and no one looks good.

But now I realize an orgy is the true great equalizer.  When all are naked, class distinctions disappear. We’re all vulnerable in our nakedness.

Although looks and age are still obvious in an orgy, and even though not everyone is going to find everyone else attractive, there is a certain camaraderie that develops with others in an orgy, whether or not you have sex with them.  We’re all there to relax and have fun. An orgy is quite literally a shared experience.

I have seen young couples, middle-aged couples, and very old couples at these swing parties - there’s no age limit to wanting sexual adventure and satisfaction.  Old couples still want to have a healthy and exciting sex life.

Many of these private parties become a sort of family (though not for me – I haven’t gone to enough consistently to be part of any swinging family) and the people I’ve met at these clubs and parties are some of the kindest people I have ever met in my life.  Although I consider the people at my church to be kind, some of them can be judgmental.  At these clubs and parties there is no judgment, as long as you respect others’ boundaries. 

Bottom line, I think the rules aspect of all these places is very favorable.  Having guidelines allows for everyone to be mindful of others.  Everyone can have a good time and no one does anything they don’t want to do.  Everyone is treated with respect.  Such respect for others, and seeing others not as strangers but as potential friends with social and cultural barriers removed, and thus joining together most intimately, will pave the way for world peace.

Orgies and World Peace - Part 1

Orgies could help bring about world peace. In an orgy, everyone is the same – naked. Everyone is sharing the same bed. Everyone is vulnerable. If everyone could just get in bed naked together, we could all love and appreciate each other.

Now, my different experiences in orgy situations lead me to believe that some fundamental rules of respect are important. There is a difference between spontaneous orgies and structured orgies. Spontaneous orgies may be more exciting due to the impulsive nature, but also less respectful. I will relay two encounters in two different spontaneous orgies that could have been avoided had certain rules of respect been given beforehand.

I briefly dated someone I’ll call “Dan,” and lived with him in the Philippines. Dan was nice but the only thing we had in common was that we both liked group sex. The first orgy we had together was after he and a group of his friends came over for drinking and karaoke. I had a big crush on one of the girls, Cecil, and told Dan so. Cecil was upset because several of the guys were dancing disrespectfully with her. So I comforted Cecil, and she and I went to the bedroom together, and I loved being alone with her. She couldn’t speak English but we had a wonderful time together, albeit too short, as we were eventually joined by the rest of the guys (the other girls must have left).

During the course of the night, one of the guys, “Rick,” slapped Cecil twice on the face. I reached over and punched Rick and told him not to do that. He apologized. Later, Rick explained that he saw Cecil in a servitude role because she was dark-skinned and from the provinces. Had there been rules upfront about treating each person with respect, Rick wouldn’t have slapped Cecil and I wouldn’t have punched him.

In another orgy, Rick was climbing over other guys and standing over my face, begging me to go down on him while I lay down with another guy going down on me. I kept telling Rick no because I don’t like going down on guys, and he knew it, but he kept begging. Rick got so excited that he came right on my face. I was so angry I got up and punched him in the nose, giving him a bad bruise. Two of my personal rules are: 1) I don’t go down on guys, and 2) I don’t like anyone to come anywhere on my body, especially not on my face. Never on my face!!! Again, rules upfront would have made a difference, and I wouldn’t have punched Rick twice in two different orgies.

That being said, I enjoy the impetuous and “anything goes” nature of spontaneous orgies and wish more people were open to them.

In response to “Open Thread: Self-Identification and the importance of labels.” (http://raspberrymousse.net/site/?p=2493) - Nov. 5, 2010

Because sexuality is so personal, I don't think anyone has a right to say that people should not label themselves as gay or lesbian if they have had opposite-sex relationships in the past.  If Cynthia Nixon and Ricky Martin want to identify as gay, let them.  Identity is how you perceive yourself.  We do not know enough scientifically to say definitively that someone is 100% gay, straight, or even bisexual.  But if someone identifies as a certain way, why stop them?  Likewise, why get upset if someone eschews labels altogether?  Your sexual identity is your sexual identity, and if you do or don't want to be identified as gay, straight, bisexual, or other, then that is your prerogative. 

Sexuality is not like race - it is not fixed from the moment we are born.  Our race is, certainly.  But other things about us can change.  Our hair color, even eye color, in some cases, can change, as can our body size, etc.  A person may be tall as a child but short as an adult.  A person may be fat as a child but thin as an adult.  A person may be an outgoing child but a shy adult.  Traits sometimes change, and sometimes they just intensify.  Sexuality is the same way. 

So however someone wants to identify himself, or not identify himself, is fine with me. I certainly don't want someone defining who I am for me.  I used to think I was a lesbian, and then I thought I more logically should identify as bisexual, given my behaviors.  But now I don't identify as either.  I have only loved women and have only been attracted to women, but I have slept with more men than women. More than that, I want to love and be attracted to a man. So don't label me at all.