Two Hours with the Handsome Young Man at Onie’s on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 – written March 10, 2011

After Robert Hannibal left, I wanted the next two hours to pass quickly.  When I went back into the bar area, I saw the handsome young man standing against a wall.  I introduced myself to him, asking if it was his first time here, and how he found out about it.  I told him I always ask people that.  It’s part of my journalistic nature.

The handsome young man, “Hans,” told me he’d found this place on Craigslist – most guys tell me that.  Apparently, “PR,” the promoter, posts regularly on CL about the wild sex party going on at “Onie’s” club, and that’s how all these guys find out about it.  But Hans told me if he hadn’t seen me, he would have gone home.  A lot of guys tell me that. 

Not that the other girls at Onie’s are unattractive.   It’s just that I’m considered the most attractive, though in real life I’m definitely not among the most attractive girls in New York.  No way!  Everyday I see really stunning, beautiful, gorgeous girls.   Everyday.

Hans is seriously probably the best-looking guy I have ever seen in my entire life.  However, Hans is not only very handsome in the traditional manly sense, with a legitimate abdominal six-pack, pectoral muscles, handsome face, broad shoulders, etc. but he is very smart.  I really enjoyed talking with him.  When I told him I was a Journalism grad student at [my school], he told me he has friends in the law school at [my school].  He had gone to Brown for undergrad, and was planning on going to med school soon. 

He could figure out that the others girls and I were getting paid to work here, and he asked why I do it.  I told him I like having extra money and it’s not a big deal for me to have sex, as long as my rules are followed – no hand-jobs or blow-jobs. 

I had a lot of fun with Hans.  We had sex a total of four times, and after the first time he said it was the most intense orgasm he’d had in a couple weeks.  I said, “a couple weeks?” And he said, “okay, maybe months.”  I don’t know if that was really true or if he thought I would like to hear it because of my job. 

But truth be told, guys tell me that all the time.  And I don’t know if it’s really true or they’re just saying it.  It doesn’t matter – I don’t get extra money if they have an intense orgasm.  Regardless, I still don’t do anything.  I just lie there, either front or back.  I’m not going to do any more work than is required of me in this job.

With Hans, however, since he was so good-looking, I let him kiss me also and make out with me.   Sometimes I do let the better-looking guys kiss me – it just depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  Still, the only guy I really like kissing is Robert Hannibal!

But Hans was really fun.  I admitted to him that I really only like girls but met the first guy I’ve ever been attracted to at this job.  I told him it was Robert Hannibal, and that he was the guy I was walking out with when Hans entered. 

I told Hans I really want more experience with girls, and asked if he knew any girls that would have a threesome with me and him, and he said he did.  He said he would definitely arrange some threesomes for us.  I was so excited!  Hans being so good-looking, I knew the girls would be beautiful!

He asked if he could get my contact information, but I said it would be better to wait until I get off work at 11pm.  We girls could get in trouble if anyone saw us giving out our contact information.

Now, after the first time we had sex, Hans and I had sex two more times, with him carrying me to different areas of the room for sex.  By this time it was 10:30pm, and Onie’s nephew, “Nephew,” who works at the club, told me Onie wanted to see me.   When Nephew left, I said to Hans, “How do they think no one will figure out we’re getting paid when they come up to us like that?”  Hans just laughed.  He walked out with me and I went into Onie’s office alone. 

Onie said it was a slow night and I could go home now if I wanted.  I was worried I wouldn’t get as much pay if I left even half an hour early, but Onie said I would.  I went out and told Hans I could leave early but didn’t want to lose any pay.  Hans picked me up and carried me over to the swing where we had sex. 

At 11pm, it was time to go and I was still with Hans.  We had had sex four times between 9pm and 11pm, talking and kissing throughout.  He really is very smart and very good-looking.  And I was so excited to think of the girls he would get me for threesomes. 

I told Hans I had to shower and change, and then I would give him my contact information, and it should only take me a few minutes.  But Onie wanted to talk to me and brought me into his office. 

Onie said the other girls had complained that I spent the whole night with only two guys and they had to do all the work for the rest of the guys.  “But you said yourself it was a slow night,” I said, though, to be honest, since I’d been with Robert Hannibal and Hans the whole time, I hadn’t noticed it was slow.  “So it’s not like they had to do so much extra.”

Onie said I still could have had at least one or two other guys and I said, “No.”  I explained that when Robert Hannibal is here, I want to spend all my time with him.  I told Onie that Robert Hannibal takes me to couples-only clubs and I really like him and only want to be with him when he’s here, and that it’s not fair to ask me not to be with him when I like him so much. 

Onie said, “Okay, but after he left, you were only with one guy.”  I told Onie that normally I do a lot of work and guys are waiting in line for me.  He admitted that this was true.  “When I find a guy that’s good-looking and smart and I want to spend my time with him, I deserve this because I am with so many other guys all the other nights,” I told Onie. 

He agreed with me, but just asked me not to do this too often.  He paid me the same as he usually pays me, perhaps knowing that I would have thrown a fit if I’d been paid less than normal.

But by the time I’d left Onie’s office, I realized I’d been in there nearly 20 minutes and Hans was gone!  I was so sad.  I wish I had gotten his contact information before I went into Onie’s office but I didn’t know I’d be talking with Onie so long. 

I hope Hans comes back.  It’s so nice to be with a good-looking and smart guy, and I really wanted to have the threesomes with him and the girls he knows.  He would be my best chance to have hot threesomes.   Plus, he’s just a really great guy.

But somehow I know he won’t be back.   He’s so good-looking, girls will probably do anything he says and he can organize his own orgies and threesomes.  He doesn’t need me at all.  But I really need him.  I don’t know anyone I can have orgies or threesomes with, other than going to swing parties. 

So I feel really sad. 

I’m also really sad because yesterday in the airport before our class left, I texted Robert Hannibal to ask if there was any way I could see him on the 21^st when we get back into the city, since he and his family are leaving the very next day for their vacation.  He texted back: “Have a great trip.  That night would be rough; have to pack and have an early flight.”

This means I won’t see Robert Hannibal for at least a month, as I’ll be in Israel these ten days and then as soon as I get back, he’ll be in the DR for two weeks.  I miss him already. 

It is funny because most girls would miss Hans and not Robert Hannibal.  Hans is the typical good-looking guy.  He’s young, handsome, has a perfect man’s body.  Robert Hannibal is a little older and, although handsome, not as traditionally handsome as Hans, and Robert Hannibal has a little bit of a belly.   Hans has a six-pack. 

Sex with Hans is wild, and most girls would probably choose sex with him over Robert Hannibal.  But not me.  I feel something with Robert Hannibal that no other guy can get me to feel.  Even someone as handsome as Hans. 

Robert Hannibal is who I prefer.  To me, it is not even a contest.  If I am being paid to have sex with men, then naturally I am going to choose the best-looking and smartest guys at Onie’s, and with Robert Hannibal gone, Hans clearly was the next best choice.  But if I could choose who I really want to be with, who I love, who I’m attracted to, the answer is easily Robert Hannibal.

I miss Hans for the possibilities of orgies and threesomes with beautiful girls.  But I miss Robert Hannibal for him.

Logically, I can tell Hans is better-looking than Robert Hannibal.  Hans is who I should be attracted to.  But I’m not attracted to him.  I’m attracted to Robert Hannibal. I love Robert Hannibal.  

Temporary Intimacy with Robert Hannibal - written March 10, 2011

On Tuesday, March 8^th, I worked at “Onie’s” club and was hoping Robert Hannibal would be there.  It would be my last chance to see him before my trip, as I was leaving the next day with my class! 

The first 20 minutes I was on the large bed talking to “Mansion,” who’s around 30 years old, and I think from some Eastern European country.  He’s been going to Onie’s club pretty regularly and he always tells me he’s going to take me to a fancy swing party at some rich Russian guy’s mansion.

That’s still my goal while working at Onie’s, besides just making extra money – to find a guy who will take me to a “One Leg Up” party and any other nice fancy swing party.  But Mansion just kept talking without giving me details. 

Finally, in my worry that Robert Hannibal would not show and my annoyance with Mansion for talking so much about the fancy swing party but not giving me concrete information or formally inviting me, I got off the bed and went to the bar area to get some water to drink.  I talked to “Bartender” for awhile and tried to practice my Japanese with her, but I am very rusty.

Then I returned to the main large room and sat on the large bed.  Mansion had moved over to one of the smaller beds against the far wall, and “Tatoo” was on the small bed next to the large bed I was sitting on.  She and I began talking about the guys and she made me laugh so much.  I like her humor because she says exactly what she thinks and says it in such a brash manner. 

I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed, but thought it was Mansion, so I didn’t acknowledge him, and kept talking and laughing with Tattoo.  Suddenly the person next to me said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much here.”  It was Robert Hannibal!  I turned to him and hugged him tightly and said, “I didn’t know it was you!  I thought it was [Mansion]!  I’m so glad to see you!”

I kept my arms around him and asked if he’d gotten my last two emails, and he said no.  He had gotten a new phone and couldn’t update his other email to that phone in case his wife saw it.  Everytime  I think perhaps his wife knows he’s still swinging, I get a reminder that she doesn’t know.  Even though I’ve really always known that Robert Hannibal and I are in fact stepping out behind his wife’s back. 

I told Robert Hannibal I was so happy to see him that night because the next day I would leave for Israel with my class and wouldn’t be back until the evening of March 21^st . He told me he and his wife and kids were leaving for two weeks on March 22^nd to vacation in the Dominican Republic.  I asked if I could see him on the 21^st when I got back and before he left, but he said he didn’t know.

We sat on the bed and continued talking, and he brought up the idea of having another threesome with me.  He said if I had liked the woman who gave us the sensual massage we could go back there, but since I didn’t, we could find someone else.  I was flattered that, in a threesome at least, he considered me the other half of the couple!  I know we’re not a real couple, but if this is the only way he’ll consider us as a couple, I won’t complain!

I suggested one of the twins, either “Cinnamon” or “Desire,” since I love both of them, but he said he wanted someone different. He knows I like Indian girls and brown-skinned girls, but he said he wanted someone aggressive, like “Tatoo,” but not as aggressive as she is.  He said she was too aggressive for him. 

I said we should find someone like Angelina Jolie, because she’s so beautiful but she would definitely be aggressive in just the right way.  He said we could put an ad out on Craigslist for an “Angelina Jolie” type.  I was so excited to think of us as a couple, albeit a false CL couple!

But of course I didn’t actually want another threesome with him because I like being alone with him. As alone as I can, given that we are only together at Onie’s or at other swing clubs.  But for him to think of us a couple, of any sort, was still an honor for me.

Then he asked if I wanted to play, and of course I said yes.  I was lying down on the bed and he was above, and he would lean down to kiss me and I would rise up to meet him.  At one point he hesitated a little and furrowed his brow.  He didn’t kiss me, but said, “the more time I spend with you, the more intimate I feel towards you.” 

I rose up and said, “You know I would never want to ruin your marriage, right?” and I kissed him and he met my kiss and said, ‘Yes.” Then I laid back down but rose up again to say, “and you know my contract ends soon.” And we kissed again and I said, “So it’s just temporary intimacy.  So it’s okay.” 

Then we kissed some more and began making love.  We had the large bed all to ourselves.  When I’m making love to him at Onie’s, I forget that there are other people in the room.  I feel like it’s just Robert Hannibal and me, alone. 

After he orgasmed, he lay down next to me, leaning on his elbow and resting his head on his hand, and faced me, smiling, and said, “You, you, you!”  I really love him so much. 

We continued kissing and talking about his music.  Robert Hannibal composes trip-hop music, and I wasn’t familiar with that genre of music. He told me he would try to play some for me on his new phone.  We kept talking and kissing but then he said he had to leave.  I tried to hold onto him but he said he needed to go. 

We’d spent nearly two hours together from 7pm on and it was almost 9pm at that point.  As we left the bed, holding hands, “J-Star,” one of the other girls who works at Onie’s and is good friends with Onie, smiled and said, “There’s the couple” to me.  She said that because with all the other guys, I don’t have any emotion and I just want to be done as soon as possible.  Robert Hannibal is the only guy who brings any emotion out of me, the only guy I want to spend time with, the only guy where it appears that I am actually enjoying sex, because with him, I am.

Robert Hannibal and I kept holding hands and kissing and as we left the bar area and went into the lobby/changing area, we crossed paths with a very handsome young man with thick black eyebrows.  I noticed him even though I was with Robert Hannibal because he’s probably the best-looking man I’ve ever seen.  I knew all the other girls working at Onie’s would want him.  But I was sure I would get him.

As we entered the lobby/changing area, I put my arms around Robert Hannibal’s neck and he hugged me and held me and we kept kissing.  Onie said, laughing, to Robert Hannibal, “You can’t take her home!” Oh, if only he could.  If only there wasn’t a wife already at home.  I would go home with him so gladly.

Robert Hannibal got out his new phone and gave me his new number, and I made sure his new phone had my number.  I asked him to play me one of his songs before he left and he tried to log onto a music website.  I saw as he entered his user information that his last name was “Tanner” – I mentally made note of this.  I had never asked him his last name, although he knew my full name from my email address. I wanted to give him his privacy and also to reassure him that he could trust me.  That I would never try to follow him or notify his wife.  But I was so happy to know his last name. 

He didn’t realize I had seen his last name.  He was just trying to get onto the site, and wasn’t able to.  “It’s okay,” I said.  “Next time.”  As much as I wanted to hear his music, I was elated that I knew his last name.  Such a personal piece of information.  I felt closer to him, even if only deceptively. 

We hugged and kissed some more and it was so hard to say good-bye to him.  I am so glad I got to see him before leaving on my trip.  I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. 

When he left, I looked at the clock.  It was exactly 9pm.  I had two more hours to go.  But I was so glad I had spent the past two hours with Robert Hannibal!  If only every night working at Onie’s could be like that!

Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011

In examining my love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism.  How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert Hannibal so much?

In an earlier entry, I declared that I wasn’t a lesbian because I was in love with a man.  But I don’t know if that’s really true.  Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find women very attractive.  And I still don’t find men attractive.  Except for Robert Hannibal. 

However, if I had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t consider myself a lesbian.  I would rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy, when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal? 

But I didn’t meet him then. 

Now, at a very young age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you.  But also at a very young age, I had legitimate crushes on teenage girls.  They were so beautiful to me.

In purely aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to women.  The ideal female body, an hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered and angular, can’t really compare.  Who wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?

And even so, most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit.  I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

But what really attracts me in others is the face.  I love faces.  Simply put: the average female face is always better-looking than the average male face.  In a heterosexual couple, the female is nearly always better-looking than the male. 

(I say “nearly” because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I'm not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can't think of men as manly if they're blonde. He has always been better-looking than his female partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina Jolie.  Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to be better-looking than him.  She is the perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this planet).

Suffice it to say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in the first place, in body or face.  But it is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale.  It is quite another to be on the negative side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side. 

This is because men are disgusting.  It’s not their fault.  The hormones and chemicals that form the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good.  Men give off disgusting odors all the time, especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do not.  And men grunt, especially during exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.  Quite unattractive.

On the whole, I do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear perfume myself).  But cologne, on the other hand, always smells horrible.  I have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh air.  Men just need to stay extra-clean and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse.

In terms of sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting.  I hate the names for it, I hate the way it looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate having it inside me.  But I would rather have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or blow-jobs.  Why would I want to touch something so ugly, especially with my mouth?

One of the ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my elementary school had brought to school.  It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ.  It was so repulsive.  I could not understand why women would do that, except for money. 

Yes, even in elementary school I could understand prostitution.

I contrast this experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary school.  Our babysitter’s dad had “Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was at their house. 

But it wasn’t just naked women I loved looking at.  Any pictures of beautiful women.  I loved reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most beautiful women on TV.  Although I was only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and the metro newspaper faithfully.  Partly I loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections.  And I really loved reading about actresses and seeing their pictures. 

Although my appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a man-hater at such a young age.  I even told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and I chose the best-looking one for myself.  But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all.

As I grew older, I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl, could not.  I really started resenting guys.  I almost hated them.  And I hated that I had to pretend to have crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal.

Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are?  Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were.

Then gradually I started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for being so inferior to women in looks and complexity.  When I worked my hostess dancing job my last semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but also heightened pity towards them. 

I began to think that if a man ever got me to orgasm, and if I could have a real sexual dream about a man (not like my Marilyn Monroe threesome dream I had as a young teen where the man disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual attraction towards men.  But these scenarios have not happened.

As a Mormon who overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage).  

I didn’t think it would be too hard.  Although I still think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my girl friends like.  Most of all, conversation is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and being around them.  That is pretty much how I’ve felt ever since.

Until I met Robert Hannibal. 

When I first saw him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive.  I consider people attractive if I want to kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before.  But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt attraction for him immediately and immensely.  And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized.  I had finally had good sex with a man.  I finally made love to a man.

He hasn’t made me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him.  But I love him so much that I don’t need those things.

So what is it about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve met? 

First, it’s his looks.  I always felt the first man I would be attracted to would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or some mixture of those.  Some race that wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head, but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used to actually be quite afraid of it.

Robert Hannibal is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him. I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric.  

His skin is beautiful and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting like most men’s.  Also, he doesn’t have hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I haven’t touched it and won’t). 

His face is really so handsome, and cute and endearing.  His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind.  He has a face I love looking at. 

He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves it.  Ironically, although I don’t like baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look like he has a high forehead.  Yet on him, it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse at the same time.

Robert Hannibal's smile is so cute.  His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile.  It’s not a broad smile or a smile that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him with his cute underbite.  Whether his teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.  He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his skin is so smooth, it’s flawless.

I always thought I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their beauty.  But because his eyes are part of him, they are so beautiful.

He’s not really tall, maybe 5’9" or 5'10", and again, I always thought the first man I liked would be tall.  His shoulders are rounded and his upper arms are short, like mine.  He has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s, where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks like an Islander.  

Everything about him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him.  I remember the second night I saw him at Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having sex with him.  It hurt me too much to look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet.  They’re beautiful.  When he orgasmed, I remember his feet shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms.  When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing to have him inside me.  I am so in love with him.

We have undeniable sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry.  We can talk about anything.  He is so intelligent.  And he’s not pretentious at all.  He went to [Ivy League school] and now works in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it.  He doesn’t treat anyone rudely.  He always makes sure to tip “Bartender” (though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits). 

Conversation with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant.  He uses graceful language, not in a condescending manner, but just in a natural manner.  He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth. 

And he’s such a gentleman.  The second night I met him (third time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work at Onie’s, he made sure to walk on the outside, closest to the street.  He told me his mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his side.  Most times when I’m walking with him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again his mother teaching him that.  I love that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her.  I love that he’s a gentleman.

When we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s always very respectful of others as well as of me.  It’s such a contrast to other men I see on the subway who are not gentlemen at all. 

This afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I had to hold on to the railing above my head.  I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could sit.  I looked down the subway car and saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted me to marry). 

[My condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head at him.  He’s not a gentleman.  Robert Hannibal is.  Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.

Not only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor while at the same time being a strong, manly man.  I don’t know how he can be both, but he is.  He is most definitely a MAN.  But he’s so kind too. 

The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character.  But kindness must be integral to him as well.  Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am). 

And I love his humor.  He’s not a clown but he has a nice, easy-going humor.  He’s so intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly with each other.  We really have such good conversations with each other.  We talk religion, politics, sexuality.  Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people steer away from such charged subjects. 

Yet Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations.  I always have such enjoyable conversations with him.  I love talking with him.  His voice itself is just the right timbre.  Most men’s voices are annoying.  They speak either too high or too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.  But not Robert Hannibal.  His voice is just the right tone, the right color.  I love listening to him.

I love hugging him.  I love sitting on his lap.  I love kissing him.  I love making love to him and having him make love to me.  I love being with him.  And he’s a man.  And I would rather be with him than with anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman.

So am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man?  In my first grad school program, I tried to write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other women.  It’s not about being lesbian, it’s about wanting beauty.  And women are beautiful.

I wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized to find men attractive, because men can provide for us.  This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I felt alone and different.  But as I aged and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the socialization to find men attractive.  That’s when I wrote “Jack, Jane and Jill.”

Maybe if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys attractive?  Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to compare boys and girls?  Women are the fairer sex, so is it even right to compare? 

Perhaps I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one.

At any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the only.  I guess the possibility was always there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me.  

Part of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to.  That’s a lot of responsibility to give to someone.  Especially someone who’s already married. 

Wanting to see Robert Hannibal Before My Trip – written March 7, 2011

 I am getting so desperate. I haven’t seen Robert Hannibal since the time we went to the “bi club” on Feb. 17^th, and we haven’t communicated since then.  I emailed him on March 2^nd to ask if he ever heard back from the tantra place, and he didn’t respond. Then I emailed him earlier today to ask if there was any way I could see him before I leave for Israel – he still hasn’t responded!  And I leave on Wednesday!

Tomorrow I’ll work my regular Tuesday night shift at Onie’s club, and I hope Robert Hannibal is there.  I really don’t know what I will do if I don’t see him before I leave for my trip.  If I don’t see him before my trip I will be anxious the entire time!  I love him so much!