In response to “Open Thread: Self-Identification and the importance of labels.” (http://raspberrymousse.net/site/?p=2493) - Nov. 5, 2010

Because sexuality is so personal, I don't think anyone has a right to say that people should not label themselves as gay or lesbian if they have had opposite-sex relationships in the past.  If Cynthia Nixon and Ricky Martin want to identify as gay, let them.  Identity is how you perceive yourself.  We do not know enough scientifically to say definitively that someone is 100% gay, straight, or even bisexual.  But if someone identifies as a certain way, why stop them?  Likewise, why get upset if someone eschews labels altogether?  Your sexual identity is your sexual identity, and if you do or don't want to be identified as gay, straight, bisexual, or other, then that is your prerogative. 

Sexuality is not like race - it is not fixed from the moment we are born.  Our race is, certainly.  But other things about us can change.  Our hair color, even eye color, in some cases, can change, as can our body size, etc.  A person may be tall as a child but short as an adult.  A person may be fat as a child but thin as an adult.  A person may be an outgoing child but a shy adult.  Traits sometimes change, and sometimes they just intensify.  Sexuality is the same way. 

So however someone wants to identify himself, or not identify himself, is fine with me. I certainly don't want someone defining who I am for me.  I used to think I was a lesbian, and then I thought I more logically should identify as bisexual, given my behaviors.  But now I don't identify as either.  I have only loved women and have only been attracted to women, but I have slept with more men than women. More than that, I want to love and be attracted to a man. So don't label me at all.

Dream about John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono Oct. 10 2010

Oct. 10, 2010

With it being John Lennon’s 70^th birthday, I had read an interview with Yoko Ono the day before.  In my dream, I was talking with Paul McCartney, who told me he was going to write a book about the Beatles, and he was going to call it “Help! I Need Somebody.” I thought it was nice that he would use a John song for the title, and he said he either knew John but didn’t know the Beatles, or he knew the Beatles but didn’t know John.  I didn’t understand and didn’t know why it had to be an either/or.  Then I suggested Yoko Ono could help write the book, but then I said it might not be balanced because she was too close to John.  Yoko chimed in at this point and agreed.  Weird dream.

Subway Encounter with Another Older Man Sept. 2010

Recently I was getting off the subway and about to exit the turnstile when this man called out to me and ran up behind me.  I thought I had left something on the subway and thought it was very nice of him to come after me like that.  He was tall, black, probably in his 50’s.  I couldn’t hear what he was saying because I had my music in, so I paused the song and asked him to repeat. 

He said he thought I was cute and he had gotten off the subway so he could get my number.  I asked him if that was the only reason he had gotten off the subway and he said, yes, for he still had to get downtown.  I told him I don’t give my number out to strangers, and I forgot that I had met someone on the subway about a year and a half ago, and we ended up dating.  Though it didn’t last – that was right after my religious turnaround and I wouldn’t sleep with him and I didn’t really know what I wanted.  With this guy, he seemed nice so I took his number but I knew I wouldn't really call him.  And I haven’t. 

Now, I relate these stories not to show how desirable and attractive I am.   Considering how often I am on the subway, these are very low statistics.  I know people who get hit on almost everyday.  I am pretty, but dress very plain and don’t feel the need to deliberately try to draw attention to myself.   

But I share these stories because I think it’s worthwhile that I at least took their numbers.  I am definitely not anti-man.  I really hope someday I can fall in love with a man and live a normal life and totally forget about women.  If women really can fall in love with men, that is, and it’s not some fantasy that has been fed to us.

But at the same time, I’m wondering if a girl will ever hit on me on the subway?  I am on the subway all the time and I have seen so many pretty girls.   But I really want to see what other women see in men.  Or do they really see anything? Isn’t it society-dictated?  That’s my theory.  But I’m too afraid to test it out and ask my friends. 

A dream about the Steven Hayes murder trial

A dream about the Steven Hayes murder trial

Wednesday, Oct. 6, 2010

I am so bothered by this murder by Steven Hayes and his accomplice.  I try not to write out what they did because words are powerful and etch graphic images into my mind.  My mind can’t handle it.  I went through so much crying after reading those words that I can’t bear to write them myself. 

Last night I had a dream that his accomplice was talking to me and he was telling me he wasn’t going to go to trial for another year.  I told him he had better not do what he did to those poor girls to anyone else during that time (I don’t know why he wasn’t in jail, nor do I know why we were at a house together, with other people around as well).  He said he wouldn’t.  We actually had a conversation but I don’t remember what it was about. 

It is very hard for me to read the news when something horrible has happened to someone.  It is bad enough if someone dies a horrible death due to nature or some accident, but when it’s caused by another human, I can’t handle it. 

Many years ago, after the OJ Simpson trial, I had a dream about Nicole, and somehow I was talking with her after she died.  What bothers me the most is the terror anyone must feel as their life is about to end.  Why would anyone want to make anyone else feel that way?  I really can’t comprehend it. 

Murder Trial of Steven Hayes

Monday, Oct. 4, 2010

Trial of Steven Hayes in Connecticut Home Invasion and Murder
When I first read about these indescribable (for me) murders, I cried non-stop. Everytime I had a spare moment in my thoughts, I thought about the poor girls he killed. I thought of their terror. No one should die like that. I have sleeping problems as it is, but this horrible murder upset me so much that my sleep was even further disrupted. All I could think about was those poor girls and what they must have been feeling.
I am against the death penalty, but what is justice in this instance? Cruel and unusual punishment would be to kill Steven Hayes and his accomplice in the same way they killed those girls. I don’t want anyone to suffer like that.
I am very disturbed at the mindset of these men. When I read that one of their texts said he “was chomping at the bit” to do this, I cried even more. I don’t understand that mindset. Pure evil. Even the barbaric part of my brain, although it is willing to mete out punishment, it does not relish pain for anyone.
Several years ago, I read an article about a woman who was killed by a man and his step-son in a similar manner. I cried for days about that. The barbaric part of me wanted the men to experience some of that poor woman’s pain, even if just a hand, or an entire arm. I was so angry that anyone could do anything like that to anyone else. No one should have to suffer that. It’s the worst way to die.
With these two men, the barbaric part of me feels the same. But mostly I don’t think about the men. I think about those two daughters. I am so sad for them. I wish somehow they could have felt no pain, that somehow they could have died before any pain hit them – I wish this wish could come true.
But the bottom line is I don’t want anyone to suffer pain. Although I do have a barbaric part of me, it is very small. It is getting smaller each year. But it’s still there, unfortunately. Yet the part of me that doesn’t want anyone to suffer pain is the largest part of me. I don’t even like watching movies where the villain suffers a horrible death. I hate when the audience cheers. No one deserves a horrible death.
I don’t know what kind of justice can be done to these men. I don’t want them to do to anyone else what they did to those daughters. But I don’t want anyone to do that to them either.

Sexual Dreams – Sept. 7, 2010

September 7, 2010

Last night I had a dream that a girl I had met was sitting with me and some of my friends from my church. The implication in the dream was that this was a girl who I was interested in and was likewise interested in me. As she sat next to me she started kissing me, and it made my friends from church uncomfortable, so they asked her to stop. I told her we could go somewhere private but we never made it there. This dream occurred because I was planning on meeting a girl I had met on CraigsList and I was hopeful that things would develop between us. I gave up on trying to be a good Mormon, at least for a little bit.

Subway Encounter with Older Man – Aug. 27, 2010

Subway Encounter with Older Man

August 27, 2010

As I was walking to connect to a train, this older white man in a suit passed by and said he liked my hair. Of course I said, “Thanks,” and then he said he would give me the best sex I ever had, but he said it in a cruder way. I was surprised because people usually don’t approach me like that. I dress very plainly and very conservatively and I don’t draw attention to myself with my clothes. I was in my usual uniform of a plain skirt and shirt. Then he said, “Is it because I’m too old? Too white? I’m 47, but I can [censored].”

(I don’t know how he knew white men are not attractive to me, although black men are not attractive to me at all either, and no men, really, but if I have to choose I would assume a brown Islander would be attractive to me? Since I've still never enjoyed sex with a man and never been attracted to a man, I don't know for sure who would be attractive to me. But I know who's not!

And older men are definitely not attractive to me, but I don't know how he knew that because I didn’t say anything. Truth be told, if he was young, handsome, brown-skinned, I might have taken him up on it. That is due to my illogical logic. I had slept with an idiot about a week prior and that was because I was missing women so much, and I thought this idiot guy was going to have another girl with him, so we could have a threesome, but it was just me and him.

 And I’m so frustrated with not being with women I would have slept with this older man just to get back at G-d for keeping me away from women, and maybe tell him he needs to pay me, or at least get a free meal while I'm at it. But he was white and older, so punishing G-d would be punishing myself as well, and wouldn't be worth it.)

And the man said if I look this good how I am now, he can only imagine how I look when I dress up and put on make-up. I told him I never get dressed up and I never wear make-up, and he said with my legs and my eyes I didn’t need to. And he gave me his number and said to at least let him take me out for dinner. I said, “Okay,” because I was hungry and I was thinking dinner sounded good. But I’m not hungry anymore.